The real life Matilda
She never escaped
The real life Matilda
She lives in grief
The real life Matilda
She has her magic only within herself
The real life Matilda
She buried her feelings deep
The real life Matilda
She sheltered her spirit like a dying ember in the rain
The real life Matilda
She is ragged and broken and beaten by life
The real life Matilda
She lost her Miss Honey
The real life Matilda
She never got to stand up to the bullies
The real life Matilda
She lived in sorrow
The real life Matilda
She cut her wrists
The real life Matilda
She begged for her life to end alone in a bathroom at school alone in the dark at night
Alone alone alone
The real life Matilda
She knows there is no happy ending
The real life Matilda
She is me

My confidence
Is the biggest lie
Ever told

Yet people still treated me
As if I was durable
And were disappointed
When I shattered

The only words that fell
From my tear stained lips
As I brutally hit the floor

“Never trust a pretty vase”

I could slash my wrists
but what good would it do
no one would give me the love I desire
no touch would be gentle and sweet
or wrap my wounds with a kiss

no
not when I look like a monster
this is why you give up on me
this is why you
left me


yes I could cut deep
but it would only hurt again later
when the blood is dry
and my heart is depleted
the oxygen spent on wailing


Yet the urge to hurt me
runs so deep within me
as if it is the only embrace I have ever known
how can I resist a moments relief
when I am denied a lifetime

tell me

That name used to be different
It used to sound so gentle
Now it sounds like a rusty saw
Gnawing at my existence

Its been years yet I still see you
Hiding in my despair
You’re the blonde I saw in the bookstore
Or the one laughing at the fair

I wish you’d leave me alone
But the scars you cut are deep
I watch them contort my soul
As if that’ll help me sleep

You ruined my ******* life
Took the fire from my heart
I am nothing but ice now
A statue, a mockery of art

Burn in hell

I’m a gen z baby
Emotionally messed up baby
Snowflake little baby baby
You think you know me baby

**** that…
Apathetic, rude *****
Cut you off without a worry
I wont whine unless I want you to be ******* sorry

***** mouthed lady
Twenty-one and failing
Honey I don’t really care how you wanna see me
In these times, it’s about how I see me

Maybe since I lived in chaos
Now it’s where I thrive
Tried to tie my hands and control me
Now I run my hive

Tellin’ me to simply smile
Ain’t gon heal the child
It’s about my self-respect
It’s learning to take the wild

Hit me once hit me twice
You won’t knock me down
I take the sorrow and I swear
I won’t hit the ground

Lived through a pandemic
You expected me to study?
My trauma came back to haunt me
But you where too busy makin money

Tellin me to look up to Thunberg
All she did is skip school
I could have done that any day
But it won’t have gone my way

Yeah I’m going all dark knight rises
Quoting Joker and blaming society
I went and got my ******* Pfizer
But none of it will repay me

For all I have lost throughout the years
That took you a disease to realise
I doubt you’ll ******* learn
Ignorant and idealised

Maybe I’m always on my phone
Because I was raised wirelessly
Relying on a wifi rather than integrity
Go on and blame me once again

Yeah I sound like a bratty child
But have you ever considered
Why the attitude is needed
Nah of course you don’t listen

Ever since I was born it’s always been this way
You start the fires and let it burn
Leaving us with the ashes
You let us take all these lashes

Over and over again
The consequence simply does not leave
You pollute our lungs and sit there
Wondering why we can’t breathe

An open letter to our abusers
I hack up tar on a daily basis
And yeah I blame you for my strife
You had no right to ruin my life

"Remember"
My brain says
"No one likes you"

I sit here and listen as if
A mental illness knows
Everyone in the world

its funny
i thought that maybe i’d grow happier
that the fantasy of death would fade

i thought i was being melodramatic
a silly girl like you said
but here i am aged 21
and i still wish my life was over
i look at my scars and realise
this
this is what i became
not the successful and brave women i longed to be

but a hollowed out ghost tethered to the past
trapped in her sorrowful ways
i would blame myself
but what good would that do

i was a child
i still am

There once was a girl
So small a pale
Her voice was soft
Her body frail

She cared too much
She cried like a saint
Nothing was nothing
Her words where like paint

Vast worlds unfolded
Beneath her gentle touch
A forest of poetry
The horizon never enough

She would do no harm
And suffer evermore
She was too selfless
Her brutal fatal flaw

I do not know what happened
To that sweet and lovely maid
Only that her soul broke
Darkness makes light fade

At night I sit and wonder
If she can be reborn
But I know that innocence
Can never be untorn

To me the world is a chessboard
Painted in black and white
I cannot see the grey unless I tilt it in the light

My head is full of pieces which I pick and choose at will
The knight protects me so I place her in front
Yet I frantically make my moves

King, Queen, pawn or bishop
Who can save me from this mess
I don’t know which way to turn
Where is up or down or left

Am I simply a faded Alice with no wonderland to tread
Trapped in a fractured game
All alone inside my head

I’ll never understand the rules of this distant and shimmery life
So I sit and dream up figures clothed in shining sunlight