despite what you may think
this soul is still janglin
danglin
on the edge
of running towards your closed palms
when I know they will not open for me
I know you'll leave me hangin
or at least I hope you will

Do you know how badly I wanted to sing you a lullaby with my body on that restless Wednesday morning, when it seemed that sleep was impossible for your tired mind?
To lightly and slowly kiss down your torso, to softly hum against you, hypnotizing your heart to decelerate and your breath to deepen and eyes grow heavy in hopes of dreaming.
But I didn't.
Not because of the fear of rejection, I'm past that.
Just the avoidance of it.

I feel it building up in me
brick by maddened brick
I felt it breaking down in me
break by bothered break

Slow it down
Soften it up
Let vines grow and make their way through the cracks in the walls and shatter the confinements around you
Let the vines sprout violet soft velvet petaled petunias
Stop and find them
Stop and smell them
Stop and touch them
Stop and study them
Stop and learn how they got that way
Stop and get that way

Feel it growing inside of you
seed by watered seed

I don't want you to think of me when I'm gone if it hurts to reminisce.
File the details in the back of your mind and please don't pull them out in fear of forgetting them, for they will only feed the already heavy heart.
In a few weeks, or months, or whenever you're ready, really ready,  I'll have them here for you to read and recollect.

I always freaked out when you licked my face and nostrils and tried to kiss my armpits and toes, but secretly enjoyed the attention and slight aggravation because i knew one day all of it would end, so I tried not to overreact every time in case you decided to actually stop for good. I knew I'd miss it when it was gone.

I liked to shower with the lights off but you had to let me get in first.

I loved your shoulders and wrists and rubbing them softly through the night with my fingertips.

I tried to cuddle you every second i could but i think I put off so much body heat it was hard for you to sleep.

I watched all of the Kevin Gates and Logic interviews because i knew you wanted me to be interested in them because you were.

I wanted to take you to see the ocean and every sunset.

I didn't mind holding your hand and the steering while at the same time, although i wished sometimes i could nap in the passenger seat or be the one shoving fries into your mouth at midnight.

I drank every bottle of wine you bought for me and saw the conscious love in that simple gesture.

I wanted more than you could give, more than anyone could, more than i could give myself.

I wanted nothing more than to be able to love you and for you to love me back in the same way.

I was insecure and worried that I wouldnt ever live up to the first idea you had of me.

I love you. I don't want you to leave. But I will feel so pathetic if I fight for something I know you don't want anymore. I am trying to make this easy although it is killing me.

I wonder how long you've been waiting for an excuse to leave me..
I wonder if she is worth throwing it all away with me. I hope so. Genuinely.
I wonder if she is even the reason.
Maybe I was just too clingy, too needy, too crazy, too much to put up with.  
I hope that if she is the reason, there is longevity in your relationship.
It would hurt even worse if I let you go and you still were unhappy.

The thought of you not wanting me anymore breaks me.

Your kiss on my shoulder through my soft denim shattered me.
I ran away, like I always do, and I sliced my foot open and it still took everything in me not to turn around and run to you.
I even tried, I almost made it, but I turned around again.
I will not fight someone who won't fight back.
.

Have you ever heard the story about the girl who started counting seconds between the lighting and the thunder, to see how far away the rain was?

We sat there, two weathered minds, on the wooden swing chained to your porch,
the delicate wind chimes were at war with the tumultuous thunder.
The little metal pipes singing, begging us not to speak.
The explosions in the sky shouting, demanding us to yell even if in comparison our voices were weak.

Maybe it was the tension between us, sitting so close yet so far, not a single space of skin touching, that cracked the sky with white lines.
Maybe it was the shaky thoughts in our heads that rattled the house the way it did.


I don't remember the name of the story, or how it went really.
All I know is that I was singing quietly to the rain and I realized that I stopped counting the seconds between me and you.

im not saying i need you but
my headaches get worse when you're not around and the creases in my chapped lips taste slightly bloodier than the cracks of my knuckles and my nails are rugged and angled from my crooked teeth gnawing at the chipped cerulean paint
and i know i always say cerulean wrong because i was never taught how to
and i know i'm clingy and i might love wrong but please forgive me

i was never taught how to

new beginnings. correct beginnings. things that were supposed to end. a perfect last sentence, a book with no desire to be reread. reshoveling snow off my driveway, rewinding to the time and place it fell from the sky, lighter than rain and about as heavy as your heart.

honesty.

for when shovels give way to snow plows. for when it all freezes over. for when it thaws, and then begins to decay. for when the flowers grow in the sidewalk cracks, the ones that no one bothered to mend. for spring. for that color red, the most accurate one there is. the one you can hear. the one that only shows up in sunsets and tubes of paint. for the day you fell out of love with her.