I can't breathe
Like there is something pressing down on my lungs
Stealing the oxygen right out of me
Ripping the strength from every fiber of my body

I'm tired
But I don't want to sleep
Because if I drift away into that abyss
I'm not sure I'll ever leave it
I'm not sure I'll wake up

It's one in the morning
My heart is racing and I can feel the pain I've felt for centuries
I can feel you leaving me
I can feel the tearing of my heart strings
The blades of betrayal in my back
And the tears running down my cheeks
I'm scared
More than I've ever been
Of losing you, Somone I love, again
OF going through that loniless
And depression again
OF losing another part of me
Because I'm not sure I have enough left to live with myself without you there
I need you
But you don't need me in fact you probably never did
I should accept it
Now
Before it happens
I should block your number
Stop going to lunch
Skip study hall and pretend we never met
Pretend you didn't soften my heart like I did
Pretend you didn't show me how to be happy again
How to truely feel again
Pretend you never existed
Forget all the jokes and remeber how to be alone again
I should just push you away
So I won't have to lose someone I love
Again

Blades like ceasure
but i suffer from amnesia
learned how to swim but never how to breathe under water
come to far but forgot what i lost
Im the definition of what never was

tried to breathe but ****** on nothing but vapors
second hand smoke full of generational curses
i tried praying but that wasnt really working
I tried getting lit but that wasnt really worth it
consume all that was around me till I was alone
and now im on my own
hakuna matata
but im too stressed for my own good
faith trust and pixie dust
but I'm not exactly sure where to find any of those things anymore
True loves kiss heals all
but how can somone love me if I dont love myself?
obssed with beauty
but cant find it in the mirror
i dived w=right into this life
but i cant breathe under water
the lady of the lake lured me by telling me I was beautiful
and that she needed me
but her 'true love's" kiss did nothing but drown me
im filled with blades like ceasur
petruding out my back from all the times ive been called a heathen
evertime they lied and said im what someone needed
so now im bleeding and pretending im living
but I must have amnesia
cause I just keep letting it happen
over and over and over
Im over it
come to far to forget what I lost
but the memories are whats keeping me for moving on
Trying so hard to stay strong
but im so
very
weak
im so gone im the definition of what never was
all thats left is a faint memory of me
thats not even who i really was

but i got blades like ceasure
i suffer from amnesia
learned how to swim but never how to breathe under water
come to far but forgot what i lost
Im the definition of what never was

Forget all you lost
all you had
all you wished for
but never got

leave all the pain  
the tears
the things that brought you nothing but fear

forget the abuse
the loneliness and the rage
the monsters that you use to call your friends

forget it all
and start to begin again

I've tasted sin
Smelled the liquid and
Let the substance drip through my lips
I love how it tasted
Burned my throat and ****

I fell in love with disappointment
And she sure was beautiful
Tempted me in the best ways possible
She taught me tricks to lure my next *****

I've smoked betrayal
And gave it my sanity
The last whole piece of me
Coughed my lungs up in disbelief
And it felt so ******* good to be free

I've spoken shame
Let the poison pass through my lips
But this time the way I led it
Ive vomited all the tainted substances I have taken in
And it feels amazing to let it out

And then take in some more

But I've tasted sin
And I can't get enough of that ****

I used to sing about a girl with a fire inside of her
As a kid I always craved the flames
Wanted them licking and my mind
At The very essence of who I was

I craved the heat they created
The warmth I could surround myself in
That others would run from

Now I became that girl
But my fire got out of hand
Like a forest fire all I needed was one dead branch
For my flame to devour
Till everything started to go sour
I was burning on the inside
By the flame I craved
The heat I once  controlled
Started to capture me
The warmth imprisoned my mind
Until it started to shake my body
My fire was suppose to be something i loved
Little did I know
Flames can't love you back
They just take you
All of you
Until only a shell of your self is left

I'm sorry I'm awake right now
I fully regret all of my actions that lead me here
Pacing through my room at 2 or 3 in the morning
Worrying about a girl that doesn't love me
A test I'm not gonna pass
And a God I'm not sure is real anymore
I fully regret being gay
Being an abomination
A stain on this precious earth
I regret getting drunk
Having ***
Getting high
I regret the lies
But most of all I regret the pain
The struggle I put myself and others through
I regret who I was
Who I am
And whatever pile of disappointment  I  will turn out to be
I regret writing this to you
But I wanted to say I'm sorrowful
Because of what I've done to you
And what I will do