When I was younger, I saw a meteorite
It fell from the orange sky
I watched it fly in front of me
I was sitting in the back of my family's jeep
Pointing forward,
Eyes glistening,
“Dad..”
“Look there..”
Before him was a white streak in the sky heading down
As if something was announcing
I was here
“It's a plane..” He said
Quickly diminishing my dream
Quickly disregarding what I think
That could have made me lose hope but I didn’t
My eyes still glistened
Looked up knowing it wasnt of this world
That this white streak was all that was left behind
As something miraculous came from the sky
It was special
Different and I knew it
No matter how many times he told me it was nothing
How many times I reiterated that it was more than that
That it was everything
That it was mysterious
And out of this world
He claimed it was nothing
That it  was the same
No ounce of doubt in his mind
He saw a plane
But I saw a meteorite

Throughout my life
I never saw someone that special
So beautiful  that they left white streaks in their wake
So amazing that I would of risked wrecking my car
Just to see the allure they can create
I knew she was out of this world
And what we had was special
Different
But my dad claimed it was nothing
We were just friends
And my love was misinterpreted
Quickly diminishing my dream
Quickly disregarding what I think
But my eyes still glistened  
As the sight of her
There was no one I loved more
My dad swore what we had was nothing
While I swore it was the opposite
That it was everything
That it was beauty
And it was special
And it was different

Later on the news
The reporter spoke of a meteorite that fell in my county
The picture he showed was exactly what I thought it would be
“Wow” my dad said
“You were right”

Pick me like a flower
Like there was an entire field of daisies and for some reason you just picked me
In no way am I the most beautiful
But you choose me first
And chose me only

Chose me like a crayon
When your a toddler drawing a picture for mommy
And you just know the sky has to be that shade of......green
In no way am I perfect for you
But you don’t care
And you choose me anyway

Fight for me like I’m favorite food place
And your dad just asked you where you wanted to eat
And they want pizza but you are in love with the Chinese spot right down the street
I’m not cheapest
But I’m worth it

So pick me
Cause you don’t mind mediocre daisies
green skies
Or Chinese food that you know you don’t need

I can’t lose anymore
My heart can’t take being broken further
I am barely holding myself together
And i know how devastating  it is when my heart is torn

But I have a feeling the second time will be worse
Because I opened myself to **** I knew would hurt
Because I thought you loved me more then her
But now you can’t even mutter those three words

I feel my heart being torn
When I let my walls down so you could feel more
And told myself you deserved the love even if it made me hurt
But I never thought a day would come you wouldn’t want it anymore

I took the best parts of me and gave them to you
I offered my most precious memories
And displayed my most sacred thoughts too
But you didn’t want to hear anymore

As if The best parts of me
Still aren’t worth a second glance from you
And now I don’t know what to do

Because I can’t lose anymore
I know how devastating it will be when my heart is torn
I don’t wanna go on any further
Because then I won’t have **** to live for

I can’t lose anymore
I don’t know what I will do if I lose anymore

I miss him
I would give anything right now to hear his voice
To look into his eyes
And touch his hair
Sometimes I forget what people say about him
I forget he was 'abusive'
I guess love does make you blind
Because while everyone sees this monster
I see the only guy who ever loved me
And I guess only monsters can love me
Or only hurt people who hurt people can love me
Or only he can love me
Regardless that's over now
And the only thing I can think of is sneaking out like I use to
Knock on his door  at 3 am
Just to see his face
Hear whatever he has to say
But I can't do that anymore
I burned that bridge when everyone told me to
And all I want is to take that back
Because now my life lacks
I miss him
But I guess the doesn't matter now
I wonder of how if how i feel ever did

I don't like to call myself anorexic anymore
because I no longer skip meals
I haven't thrown up over a toilet
and I haven't weighed myself in a year
but the thoughts still exist
my mind still counts calories
for example there are 420 in the saltine ******* I just ate
which is already half way over my daily calorie intake
or would be half way over my daily calorie intake
if I was still anorexic
which I'm not
even though I haven't thrown away my scale yet
It just sits in my room like a prized possesion
Like a priceless talesmen I gained from my last adventure
sometimes I look at thinspiration
just to remember how good it felt
not that I save the photos to my phone anymore
not that I recite the words they say in my head
my favorite one though
not that I have a favorite one
would be having collar bones that collect raindrops
because I could do that
If I really tried I could get skinny enough to capture the rain
to walk outside, feel the drops, and have them stay
I still never finish my food
not that I'm counting calories anymore
but if I was the extra pieces of food on my plate would still count \
even when I eat food just to spit it out
not that I do that anymore
not that I'm anorexic again
because I'm not
I still think I'm fat
but who doesnt
I mean if you saw me in a dress you would know what I mean
I started wearing baggy clothes again
not that I have to hide how skinny I am
Because I'm not even starving myself
You know I gained 22 pounds?
Not that that's a problem
105 was underweight
but being in the 120s is not okay
maybe I'll cut back a little on what I eat
but I'm not anorexic
trust me

He's the reason I flinch
Because when I'm with him he doesn't hesitate when hitting me
When you move to fast all I see is his fist

He's the reason I say sorry so much
Because he always made me apologize for everything I was
Everything I am And everything I will be

He's the reason I hesitate when saying love you
Why I can't trust like I want to
And why the people around me think I hate them for loving me

But maybe one day I won't flinch anymore
I won't say sorry as compulsively
And I'll be able to say I love you
To the people I trust

Maybe one day
I'll unlearn all the lessons he taught me
I'll forget how I loved when he hurt me
And move on

Maybe one day
I'll be happy

To be honest
I'm done with it
All of it
Since about 2 months ago when I first saw the monster in him
When my rose colored glasses came off and I saw what he truely is
But that didn't matter
Not in his eyes
And I've never been one to force goodbyes
I tried
Believe me I did
But this situation im in is no longer my decision
I don't have a choice
Because I can't bear the consequences
If I don't agree
If I don't appear when he needs me
I'm like a genie in bottle
Always doing what he wishes
Even though he never asks me anything
He Just tells me
All he does is scream
And yeah he buys me things
Keeps my wallet full
says he loves me
But I don't think he cares for me
I'm just an object to him
Like a stray dog he took under his wing
Locked in a cage
And won't let free
I just want to be let free
Breathe the fresh air
And not be scared if he sees me
Free to have my own friends
And not be scared he takes them away from me
I just want him to leave
But he won't
So now I'm stuck living like an animal
Trained to obey
And I still have to smile
Like everything is okay

You never ask me if I'm okay anymore
Is that because you know the answer
Or do you no longer care enough to find out

You never ask me if I'm okay anymore
And I don't know why you didn't stop sooner
I lie everytime, so there's no reason for you to do it

You never ask me if I'm okay anymore
I guess you could say I never ask you
But that's only bacause I know there I things that you don't want to talk me through


You never ask me if I'm okay anymore
And I think this is where I start to lose you

I use to tell myself I liked celery
That I loved the tasteless crunch
And how it always got stuck in my teeth
I told myself I loved eating it
And it was all I ate
"Celery helps you lose calories I said"
Not that that's why I was eating it
Not that think I need to lose weight
I mean have you seen me
Even though deep. Down I wish y haven't
I use to cut them up into small pieces
And eat them each slowly because
"It's takes your body 20 minuets to realize its full"
As if 3 cut up pieces of celery would fill me
You never finish your plate
One of the lesser rules of the Ana commandments
And yes I followed the Ana commandments
But i didn't have a problem
You see al I wanted to be as light as a feather
So light that when trouble came the wind would take me away
So light that I will float higher than their expectations
So far up and I can't see how I let them down
It wasn't an addiction
I wasn't mentally Ill
I just wanted to be thin
I wanted to be so tiny that I became translucent
People can look through me and see all the things I was to scared to say out loud
I was never a good liar
So when asked if I eat I just laughed and changed the subject
You see people don't look to hard at you
If you learn how to smile and nod
I could see my ribs piercing at the edge of my skin
My shoulder blades looked like wings so maybe one day I could know how it felt to truly fly
And truly be free
My spine riddled my back as if it spelled out help me in Brail
My collar bone perturded  out so I could follow it to my shoulder
I had no muscle
All the widget I had came from my burden of trying to be perfect
Held on my back as my knees buckled under the weight of my own requirements
I was 5'6
And I weighed 105 pounds
Oh how I wanted to get under 3 digits
The numbers were important to me
The number of calories in my lunch and how I could lower them
How many days I would starve
Until my hip bones looked like hers
I was so skinny I started to see the girl in magazines as fat
And every time I stood up the room would go black
But I knew how to hid he dizziness
And he bruises I would get from little things
Baggy clothes
And jokes about high metabolism
Kept people from looking to hard
No one looked close enough
I wanted to be porcelain
As rare as a diamond
And as fragile as my self esteem
So I taught myself to love celery
But never how to love myself

He's beautiful
A lot of my friends disagreed
Said why **** a guy who isn't ****
But I don't see him that way
I guess you could say "love makes you blind"
Though I'm not in love, and I can see just fine
But I miss him
Obviously
Or else I wouldn't be in my room right now crying about leaving
But I made a choice
A decision
That no matter what happens I wasn't happy with him
I'm gonna look back and remeber the hard times too
I  will remeber the times the left me
And the times he broke me
When he toyed with my sanity
Just to watch me squirm
Blackmailed that he would tell my family
If I didn't stay with him longer
Our relationship was complicated
But he did call me pretty
Or beautiful
I was his little ray of sunshine
And his diamond in the rough
He sang to me on the good days
And hugged me when I was having a bad one
He invited me out with his friends
When none of his other girls could come
He cared for me
More than most people do
And I needed that
I wanted that
And your crazy if you call that a abuse
maybe I couldn't see it
Maybe I still can't see it
But I made a choice
A decision
That no matter what happens I wasn't happy with him
I will get over it
And find somone new
Just maybe they will love me
As much as he use to

I want to text him
So bad
It's as if I'm going through rehab
Addicted to the touch of his skin
And the sting of his words
But I won't
I can't
For you

i don't know what it is
But you make me feel like I can do better than this
Like the person I pretend to be
Could actually be me

You remind me of her
So much it hurts to talk to you
Or To look at you for to long
Because she is at the edge of everything you do
It seems as if she is behind everything you say
But more than that

You  are more than just her memory
You make me happy
Something I said I would never be
I Didn't know I could smile without her
And it's been so long since I truely have

I figured out why you are so special
I discovered what you can do
But I'm not going to tell you because if you don't believe it for yourself
You will never see it

I hope one day somone makes you as happy
As you make me
Because your changing my world
And I hope one day somone can change yours

You remind me of her
All to well
From the suicide jokes to the lack of faith in me
Your so similar it scares me to hell
Because she died
And you did too
And now I'm stuck here torturing myself wondering what would happen if I lost you
And it could  happen
Any day now
Any second
And you wouldn't of known...
Please
Don't go
Because if you go to heaven
I can't follow you
As much as I would like too
I have people here
And I promised myself never to leave somone like she left me
No matter how hard life got
No one deserves to know that type of grief
And your my best friend
I won't tell you no to a lot of things
But you can't die from this
You can't leave me
Again

I know this is selfish of me
But you can't die
not again
And I know she wasn't you
And I know it's not the same
I know that was different
And I know your gonna be okay
But I just want to let you know
You can't die
Because then
I Won't have a reason to live

How am I here again
How did I let my self slip this low
Feel for somone again
I guess I just have a bad taste in men
I need them abusive and ****
Treat me like your ***** *****
And I'll be begging for more
**** me over
And you couldn't keep me away
I'm trying not to look at your text
But I want to know what you have to say
This cycle of destruction
Keeping me at bay
Telling myself that it will all be okay
But it won't be
And I'm not
Okay

Hearts don't lie
But why do I feel as if none of my emotions are true?
Why don't I believe the 'love' I feel for you?
I should hate you
With every fiber of my body I should despise you
Want to rip your sanity to shreds
And keep your heart with the others I've broken
But I can't
Because I need you to be happy
And I hate it
Cause without you I feel as if I'm nothing
And your moving on to better things
And I'm trying to smile for you
But the pain inside me is more than I can control
I'm sorry
But I hate you right now
And I also love you at the same time
So just give me a minute
To blame myself for this wrong
and figure out how to make it right

Hearts don't lie
But why do I feel betrayed by everything it tells me
I'm suffocating because my heart is convincing me I need you to breathe
But I was breathing alone just fine before you
I was being alone just find before you
I'm trying not to be angry
I'm trying not to hate you
Because I understand it's not your fault
This is not what you want
But you had a choice
You have a choice
And your decisions have hurt me
I told you this would happen
But when I said it I should of believed
I should of listened to myself
But instead I'm here again
Hating somone I love with a passion
For being happy
Without me

It's starting again
Like a cycle of depressing hopelessness
I'm going through it again
Different name and different face
But the script is still the same
I'm still the villain in this ******* play
And they treat me like a game
Eveytime it's the same
I always lose, so why do I even play?
I'm always forgetten so why do I always recognize your face?
I See you in everything and I know it's not okay
I try to forget you
But I can't bring myself to push you away
I have to bring myself to push you away
So maybe this time I can stay sane
And maybe we can both end up being okay
But I need you now
In this instant
Because it's starting again
I can't sleep
I can't eat
I can't think
I can't feel anything
The numbness is worse this time
It's like I'm color blind and the only time I can see the different shades of light
Is when I'm with you.
But I don't want to hurt you
Like I always do
I have to leave this time
Before I break you too
I have to leave you

If home is where the heart is
Then I guess my home is you

I can't breathe
Like there is something pressing down on my lungs
Stealing the oxygen right out of me
Ripping the strength from every fiber of my body

I'm tired
But I don't want to sleep
Because if I drift away into that abyss
I'm not sure I'll ever leave it
I'm not sure I'll wake up

It's one in the morning
My heart is racing and I can feel the pain I've felt for centuries
I can feel you leaving me
I can feel the tearing of my heart strings
The blades of betrayal in my back
And the tears running down my cheeks
I'm scared
More than I've ever been
Of losing you, Somone I love, again
OF going through that loniless
And depression again
OF losing another part of me
Because I'm not sure I have enough left to live with myself without you there
I need you
But you don't need me in fact you probably never did
I should accept it
Now
Before it happens
I should block your number
Stop going to lunch
Skip study hall and pretend we never met
Pretend you didn't soften my heart like I did
Pretend you didn't show me how to be happy again
How to truely feel again
Pretend you never existed
Forget all the jokes and remeber how to be alone again
I should just push you away
So I won't have to lose someone I love
Again

Blades like ceasure
but i suffer from amnesia
learned how to swim but never how to breathe under water
come to far but forgot what i lost
Im the definition of what never was

tried to breathe but ****** on nothing but vapors
second hand smoke full of generational curses
i tried praying but that wasnt really working
I tried getting lit but that wasnt really worth it
consume all that was around me till I was alone
and now im on my own
hakuna matata
but im too stressed for my own good
faith trust and pixie dust
but I'm not exactly sure where to find any of those things anymore
True loves kiss heals all
but how can somone love me if I dont love myself?
obssed with beauty
but cant find it in the mirror
i dived w=right into this life
but i cant breathe under water
the lady of the lake lured me by telling me I was beautiful
and that she needed me
but her 'true love's" kiss did nothing but drown me
im filled with blades like ceasur
petruding out my back from all the times ive been called a heathen
evertime they lied and said im what someone needed
so now im bleeding and pretending im living
but I must have amnesia
cause I just keep letting it happen
over and over and over
Im over it
come to far to forget what I lost
but the memories are whats keeping me for moving on
Trying so hard to stay strong
but im so
very
weak
im so gone im the definition of what never was
all thats left is a faint memory of me
thats not even who i really was

but i got blades like ceasure
i suffer from amnesia
learned how to swim but never how to breathe under water
come to far but forgot what i lost
Im the definition of what never was

Forget all you lost
all you had
all you wished for
but never got

leave all the pain  
the tears
the things that brought you nothing but fear

forget the abuse
the loneliness and the rage
the monsters that you use to call your friends

forget it all
and start to begin again

I've tasted sin
Smelled the liquid and
Let the substance drip through my lips
I love how it tasted
Burned my throat and ****

I fell in love with disappointment
And she sure was beautiful
Tempted me in the best ways possible
She taught me tricks to lure my next *****

I've smoked betrayal
And gave it my sanity
The last whole piece of me
Coughed my lungs up in disbelief
And it felt so ******* good to be free

I've spoken shame
Let the poison pass through my lips
But this time the way I led it
Ive vomited all the tainted substances I have taken in
And it feels amazing to let it out

And then take in some more

But I've tasted sin
And I can't get enough of that ****

I used to sing about a girl with a fire inside of her
As a kid I always craved the flames
Wanted them licking and my mind
At The very essence of who I was

I craved the heat they created
The warmth I could surround myself in
That others would run from

Now I became that girl
But my fire got out of hand
Like a forest fire all I needed was one dead branch
For my flame to devour
Till everything started to go sour
I was burning on the inside
By the flame I craved
The heat I once  controlled
Started to capture me
The warmth imprisoned my mind
Until it started to shake my body
My fire was suppose to be something i loved
Little did I know
Flames can't love you back
They just take you
All of you
Until only a shell of your self is left

I'm sorry I'm awake right now
I fully regret all of my actions that lead me here
Pacing through my room at 2 or 3 in the morning
Worrying about a girl that doesn't love me
A test I'm not gonna pass
And a God I'm not sure is real anymore
I fully regret being gay
Being an abomination
A stain on this precious earth
I regret getting drunk
Having ***
Getting high
I regret the lies
But most of all I regret the pain
The struggle I put myself and others through
I regret who I was
Who I am
And whatever pile of disappointment  I  will turn out to be
I regret writing this to you
But I wanted to say I'm sorrowful
Because of what I've done to you
And what I will do

I have a horrible taste in men
I don't care if they're short or thin
but I need them to hit me
as in physically hurt me
take me bones and break them in ways I didn't think possible

Twist my mind
take my beliefs and shatter them
take the walls I built and bulldoze through them

lock me in your basement
keep me there rotting for years
tell me you love me
as long as I let you in

I need to feel that abuse
I want a love that hurts me
I need you to treat me
just like my father did

im hungry
as in i didnt eat dinner
my stomach is caving in on its self
and i dont know how to fix it
i could eat food
but honestly i dont have any
so i keep watching others that are eating
and hoping i get some of that feeling

I'm hungry for hope
as in I stopped believing
my faith is caving in on itself
and i dont know how to fix it
I could find joy
but honestly  i dont have any
so i keep watching other that are smiling
hoping i get some of that feeling

We have a desire to matter
To be remembered
To have a life that was more than the standard
Work to die
Or always be dieing to work
We live wanting more than average
But won't take the big risk
Because if they don't work out
You die
So we all strive for the middle
A secure life where we are truly happy
And mean something
To someone
Anyone
It's a roll of dice
But I will ask you one thing
How do you expect to be remembered
If all you do is work a 9 to 5
How do you want to be the greatest writer of all time
If all you do is just enough to survive
It's not going to be easy
But it will be worth it
Because you will finally find joy in your work
Until you aren't working anymore
So it's really a roll of the dice
But the it will never roll in your favour
If you don't try

I really do
If I could just stop pretending around him
He would know it too
I'm just so stupid
Just so young and dumb
I don't know how to act
Now that I'm in....

Hold on to me
As we treat carefully
Through our feelings
I know I say I don't
And I know I push you away
But it's because I love you baby
I love you and I don't want to hurt you
Like I did to her

I don't want to be black anymore
Strip me of my melanin
My natural curls
Take my lips
My hips
Remove the rhythm from my steps

I don't want to be black anymore
Because in this society that means fear
That means your death is warranted
no justice exist here

I don't want to be black anymore
Because that means my son
Or daughter
Is a victim of the world before us
Where thier deaths are seen as collateral
For the peace of all those lighter than them

I don't want to be black anymore
Because I am a walking target
Aim your gun at me
Because my life means nothing

I don't want to be black anymore
I was so proud of my ethnicity
But now my race only means one thing
Death

So no I don't want to be black anymore
Because I don't want to be scared of everything
I want society to love me
And I want my life to be worth something

This is the world we live in
And I don't feel safe here
Scared to walk down the street in broad daylight
Hiding in fright
While people **** in pure spite

This is the world we live in
And I'm scared as hell
The bad guys are everywhere
And some of them wear uniforms
So who do I call when I'm hurt?

This is the world we live in
Where safety is unheard of
A terrorist attack is more likely
than a black man getting arrested calmly
And **** whistles are a necessity

This is the world we live in
And this world *scares me

I don't **** with no rumours
I know your the truth
Trusted everything you told me
Believe it all to be true
I ain't me without you
And that **** ain't nothing new
So i don't **** with know rumours
Won't believe what they say about you

I stopped creating
For a long time I didn't make anything
I wasn't writing
Singing
Dancing
Or Expressing
I was depressed
But didn't know it
Smiling through it
I lost myself
And that's scary
I lost my self
And didn't care for thinking
It was bliss
But a false paradise
Seriously
That struck fear inside my body
I'm stuck here trying to figure out
What's wrong with me

A poem a day keeps depression away
Self expression makes it all okay
Emotions aren't that scary
When you let them out voluntarily
A poem a day keeps depression away
I guess I better start writing

The real reason I don't go to the doctors about my mental health, is because I'm scared they will tell me nothing is wrong.

I dont matter
I'm full of sonder
sometimes I wonder
what does it truly mean
its all so empty
nothing matters
souls scattered
hearts tattered
sanity ripped at the seams
nothing matters
and nothing is sadder
than realizing it

I'm friends with the kids who smoke cigarettes
Instead of marijuana
The ones who drink vodak
instead of margaritas
The kids who wear all black
And pick pocket lighters
The ones who find home under bridges
And Mark them with graffiti
I'm friends with the kids who go to jail for joy riding thier parents Jeep
And not for getting into fights
We don't sleep at night
But instead we ride
Midnight fries at McDonald's
And 3am confessions
I'm friends with the weirdos
The druggies
The kids who listen to halsey
Before we listen to fetty
The kids who go to prom
Just to sneak out the back
And you may hate us
But we don't care
Because I'm friends with the people who are free
I'm friends with people who are happy

Love was fractured
Down in her soul
faith was tattered
Hope was torn
she was all together broken
What a notion
Giving somone the key to your heart
And letting them destroy it
Tear you apart
Then force you to live with it
Or don't
Live, that is
For they no longer care
It's not fair
Only your trust was teared
Wings were ripped from your back
To prevent you from flying
And they end up fine
With sanity in thier mind
No wonder you want to die
But sweety, there is time
You are stronger than this
You have strength fight
Don't give up
Continue to try
Because one day it will be alright
One day you will get your wings back
And one day you will fly

I'm really sad right now
But I have no reason to be

Im really anxious right now
And I have no reason to be

Im really craving her right now
And I have no reason to be

I'm alive right now
And I have no reason to be

Never once did I say I love you
the words always rose in the back of my throat
but never passed through my lips
something about them just didn't fit
It seemed, cheasy
almost fake
as if saying I loved her
would put my life at stake,
and thinking about it,
it probably would
I didn't know her that well
and we weren't exactly dating
in fact,
she probably didn't even like me
but I did, indeed
love her
but never once did the words leave my lips
because I learned from pass experiences
that when you say it
everything from there goes down hill
so never once did I say I love you
and I don't regret it
because I lost her either way
but this way I have nothing to miss

I wonder if they remeber me
if im a force to be reckoned with
if when I speak I change atmospheres
or does no one really care?

Do I fill people with emotions
and do I cause a change
Am I someone people are scared to lose?
or someone no one wants to gain

I have lived my life
not wanting to have these questions answered
I have just always been so scared
that I have to come to terms with being normal

again

I dont understand him
one second he loves me
and the next
the next
well the next girl is already in his DMs
and I'm left as nothing

I dont understand her
she smiles at all I say
yet cries when shes alone
pretend she has no one
yet its my heart she owns

I dont understand anything
its to complicated for me
I can't discuss spatial topics
because I'm not open minded enough see

I dont get it
I dont get anything