These words which I write
From the lead of my pencil
Are words of not only truth
But also of hope

Hope
Which I give to myself

These words flow out of me
As if they are my last words
While I am still alive

My creation from ashes and sadness
Swirling its colours so lightly
Watching it create a world of its own

My safe place
Where I long to keep my secrets

A silent haven
The depths of my mind and heart
Where every piece of me is stored

I feel invincible
When  lost in this world

With a heavy heart
In return
It fuels me

To weave through my mind
Finding the hidden source
That's corrupting my sanity

And there, I find peace again
Intertwining myself and I
Where I belong

I hear the quiet voices in the water
As the waves gently roll on to the shore.

He calls my name
and I remember once again.

Why I was put here.
He takes me back to the better days.

A carefree child roaming the world.

He holds my hand
To catch me when I fall.

As the waves splash my ankles.
I squeal with delight
And look up at him
As a silent gesture
To make him hold me.

Where I can feel safe
In his arms.

The good old days.
On the beach.

With the hot sand on my feet
And sunlight in my eyes.

With the cool ocean breeze breathing in to my hair.
As I let it fall on to my face.

I miss those days with him

As much as I know
those days are far gone.
Maybe still,
They can be remade in to a
new memory

Filled with laughter and warm hugs.

I hope one day you can remember and see
Just how much I've missed being with you
Bonding over meals and beer.
Other times
just peaceful silence
Helped me feel closer to you.

Tell me if it's odd to still feel this way.
At my current age.

I only hope
That one day
You and I
Can spend time
To bond closely again.

Like how it used to be
in the past.

At the beach or
in the pool.

This poem doesn't rhyme at all.
But I don't care about that
right now.

I wish you will read this someday
Only to recall our happy memories
That we had before.

And I hope it could be the same again.
Just you and I
On the back porch of your house.

Beer in our hands,
Just looking over the beautiful horizon,
We called home.

So it calls out to me once again.
This dark abyss I call my home.

It's too familiar
A grip so nostalgic
I can't let go.

A sickness that makes me feel alone.
Like a soothing drug
Yet a plague.

It's hard to feel or think
When in this state
I don't feel at all.

I let it take me there.
An invisible lead takes me whole.

I lose my self.
I'm broken once more.

I fill these pages
with long overdue confessions
of you.

Things may have been better between us
if some words were left unsaid.

I still think momentarily
of the things you said.

The anger in your voice
And hatred in your eyes.

You never would have expected me
to ask you such a heart-stopping question
that night.

I close my eyes
whenever I recall that night.

I take myself back
in to the depths of my fears.

A place you have long made me forget.

By now
you and I
are like any other family.

Even now
I feel I am still carrying a burden.
A piece of the past that I need to forget.

I will be okay.

One step forward
and two steps back.

I know that in the end
My life will feel whole again.

Like glass.
He saw right through me.

Right down to my core-
Where everything was in pieces.
Lost with a fragile heart.

Verbally and emotionally abused.
Shunned from reality.

To bleed was her escape.
She had her words taken away one night.

Voiceless
Suicidal.

Too distorted to have a mind of her own.
Selling herself to strangers.
She'd never left so numb.

The world was bleak.
She only lived in her shadow.
The memories of him.

She took her luck too far
She made a deal with life-

Choose the wrong path and you'll come face to face with Death.

Death came and took her soul.
Ripped it apart.

Naked on deaths bed.
She was cremated into a lost soul.

No number of cuts were enough
To take the agony away.

An imprint of her identity was sewn on to her heart.

How much longer will I have to remember?
How many times will I have to tell myself to 'just forget it'?

I can not seek revenge,
I mustn't let death win.

One day
I will have the power to cease these memories of you.

I remember the day you came in to my life.
You said you'll help me change.

I thought I'd finally be able to love myself.
but instead
You showed me greed and insecurity.

Distorting my self image.
I only wanted your love.

You gave it to me
when I lost the pounds.

From then on
You were my addiction.

From time to time
you resurface in to my mind.

You come to me
in the most needed times.

But I know what you want.
To only diminish my self worth.

Only to make yourself feel whole.

You feed off of those who have low self-esteem.
Giving them the illusion that they are worthless without you.

I truly feel that you never loved yourself.
So you prey on the weak
and vulnerable.

How you saw me.
The night I gave in to your tempting words.

But here is the truth-
You will never take over me.

I still feel broken.
Lost in time
When I was left alone
In the cold.
Without a hand to hold.

I was small and weakened
By his words of hate.
He hated me,
Betrayed me.

He took my trust and disfigured my soul.
I felt abandoned and alone.
Lost in the cold.

He left me to bleed.
I tried to breathe

Instead I was used
Convinced that I was wrong.

I was too chained up
in denial to see.
Lost in their fantasies.

No words can describe any of this.
I only wish he never hurt me the way he did.

If only I knew none of it happened because of me.
I might just have been able to stay clean and untouched.

Like a drug
His words poisoned me
Creating a world of self hate.

I only wanted to feel free.
I had to keep bleeding
So I wouldn't remember what he did to me.

I had to replace everything with the feeling of its release.

My thinking is still distorted by his confusing lies.
Maybe someday I can tell him to speak the truth.

He tore out my heart.

So I thought,
Only to feel the real thing later on.

I want to blame him for setting my life up.
For making me feel so ******* worthless
that I would have felt happy to die for him if that made him forgive me.

For being the wrong one instead of him.

He hurt me for so long.
My heart and mind still needs mending.

My family never had a care in the world about me.
They didn't believe me.

And even now
It hurts like ****.

He made me voiceless.
It's why I used my skin instead.