I miss when I thought you cared
With every little gesture
Every sympathetic stare
But that was just conjecture
Now a desiccated air
Barbaric to my beautiful glass fixtures
The colored windows I saw you through
That made everything nostalgic
Even if it was shrouded in blue
It all shatters when you say I'm not even close to churlish
But i've never been an ingenue
My mind goes to places of dark hues
As they are beautiful, they are ruby red

I am being tugged by invincible hands
This way and that
Fingers in my hair to tie it up with rubber bands
But I might break before the bands do
Tasting sour so often on my tongue my palette has gone numb
Unable to taste the flavors that crooned to remind me of my humanity
Traveling in circles but can't find my center
Bending every which way, never left upright for long

i've been reliving the same day for a while
in fact I don't know when it stopped

I've embraced the idea that you don't care
You opened the door and a dog barked, i was there
I wondered if it was mad at me
But there I was, walking not on the street but sniffly on the sidewalk
I didn't see the car pass
It was if i had jumped forward in time and blacked out
And jumped with my feet but they never left that gravel
And as I stumbled along the doldrums
The silence was deafening
But the boat was not sinking
And neither was my resolve to pedal through
Looking for a warm wind
To catch my drift and lift me into a bend
I think my empty gaze scared that lady
But she evidently won't be scared tomorrow
Certainly not of a schoolboy like me
Which leaves my feet to be clumsy
Walking one over the other in a death march to-be

need of my soul
to be somewhere else
but i can't let go
so i'm numb and pretending to be somebody else
in a huge trench-coat sneaking into the movie theater
showing up
in hopes of finding light
that dissuades me from the anger that is binding me
that tells me my suffering is all a dream

there's a ghost waiting for me at the dinner table
it tells me stories as I make black coffee
of how adult sadness awaits
how the acrid isn't enough to wash my sins away
i've grown close to this ghost as it tells me more truth
than the people who pretend they don't hear when i'm rude
the silence filling up the space of needed rebuke
embarrassment to rehabilitate my crimes
but i wonder
will it ever leave me?
my closest friend
but it often deceives
lying for survival
selling my heart for free
so on this rainy day perhaps i'll put milk in
to soften my grown-up gaze
to let the ghost slip away
find happiness in the fog so gray
and stop haunting my repeating days

I'm a person ready and able
And not for sale
to live a life worth living
pursuing contribution to the world
to unfurl the flower that is my soul
and to know it's intricate petals well
I will shout from the hilltops
my voice carries the waves of individuals not gone
legacies hidden in my dimple's folds
and I love with bold fire
just as many else have told
I have a story to tell
and am a character in many to come
just as anyone else I care in a pining matter
leaving judgement of other souls to those more refined
(in other words, not you or anyone else!)
don't you dare put me in a box
***** you politicians who say those nothing words matter more than my four:
my right to privacy!
I will sneak like a fox
out through corridors of creativity
Out of spite, breaking the lock
While you shiver as to how impossibly I'm right:labels and life have a too short clock