For my daughter.
I hope you know I love you
And that no matter what
Everything I've ever done has been
What's best for you.
When you're older I hope
That you're proud of the mother
I have become.
I won't ever be perfect.
And you'll get mad at me
More then I'd like to admit to myself.
You'll think I'm ruining your life,
And if you say you hate me
Know that I immediately forgive you.
I'll get mad and sometimes yell.
I'll lose my cool and regret my
Anger immediately.
I won't always say yes to you,
But know if I don't I promise I have a reason.
But most importantly I need
You to know,
No matter what you do
No matter where you are
If you're mad at me or not
I'm here for you always.
If need be with no questions.
I've got you.

My days consist of
an Acrobats walk
along this black hole
within my chest.
Balancing among the rubble
within my heart.
Stumbling into its blackness to drown.
But climbing out
to walk along the edges again.
A little further away from the edge each time.
My grief a balancing act.
One where
During the day I circle
the edge of the darkness.
But at night
I fall into the darkness.
Only to resurface again in the morning.

Somewhere between here
and then.
Between what was and what could be.
I lost you.
And then I found him.
The boy!
The one you promised I'd find.
The one who would
change my mind.
Would crumble my wall.
But how do I move
Forward without your steady hand?
You won't be there at a wedding.
Or the birth of a grandchild.
How do I have a child,
that will never know you.
You knew him and liked him.
But how do I give myself
Permission to have a life.
A new life where you
can't be here for it.
How do I let that be okay?
Becusem,
I'd really like to keep him.
But i gotta keep going if i want to keep him.
So tell me Dad........
How do I let myself have a happy life
without you here with me?

My control has become
the thing I grasp onto
My OCD on high alert
Rewriting a planner
13 times in 6 months.
More rewriting then months.
But the mistakes
grate at me
rubbing me raw.
The white out,
Like a black mark
on my life.
Another reminder
that I failed
to save you.
and then I realize
I have no control
my life run by failed
attempts to remain flawless.
only to be reminded by whiteout.
That I failed you
I couldn't save you.
And I stayed.
I let you go
And I stayed.
Like a black stain on me,
I stayed.

Love is a fickle thing.
It's great until it doesn't get its way.
When the object of the love
Is removed,
Love turns to decay.
Blackening the heart.
Without you here the love rots.
And decays.
Creating a black hole
******* the rest of the joy
And happiness in other parts of my life
into it.
And grief is what they call it.
Soul *******,
World crushing
Grief.
And the love I want to give to you
Turns to sadness with no where to go.
Rots and decays within my chest.
Until the grief swallows it whole.

How wonderful it would be if
May was just a month
And grey was just a color
If the 27th was just a day
And 0319 just a time
If 20 was just a number.
And the brain just another body part.

But that's not the case
That's just not true
Because every single one of those
Correlates to you.

Grey like this
Or gray like that.
At least with May
It's spelt one way.
It's one word
Two spellings is just absurd.
But how do I honor you,
What you went through.
If I can't figure out
Without a doubt,
What the hell way
To spell the word grey/gray.