Pinching my arm
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't let them see
Ow
Not enough
Don't cry
Don't cry
Pinch
Harder
Harder
Something interrupts me

"You okay?"
She asked
Didn't believe me when I said I was
She wrapped her arm around me
It fell at my waist
She held it
As if to say "It's okay now, I've got you"
Gently
Finally someone gentle

Room dark
Only midnight
I usually wait a few hours to sleep
But it was different
I didn't need to do anything
I could just be there
Let myself be held

For the first few minutes
I was tense
Thinking about how sleep seemed so far
And how the monsters were too close
But then I realized
I was okay now
I can exist in someone's arms

No one was trying to hurt me
But it was hard to believe at first
For the only touch I know is aggressive
Angry
But this one was safe
And I just let myself be there
By the end
I just enjoyed the fact someone cared
Someone didn't hate me
At least enough to be so close

This wasn't threatening
This was safe
This was kind
This was gentle

we learn
the abcs
by repeating them.
we learn
how to do things right
by doing them
every day.
so why is it
so hard
to learn kindness?
don’t we
repeat it
every day?

"you don't really get angry, I do"
He says

And he's right
Right now I find myself unable to be so full of rage
I feel as though I just can't afford to be
But
There was a point in my life
Where anger ran through my veins
It filled my entire body
Every fiber
Every breathe I took
It consumed me

Mad
I didn't get what the other kids got
Mad
My dad just had to ruin it all
Mad
Everyone thought I was okay
Mad
Everyone said he was acting okay
Mad
I had to exist in this world

"No one loves an angry girl"
"Don't be angry"
"Anger is ugly"
"Anger is like your father"
They said as a clenched my fists

Now
When he does something unacceptable
The anger instead appears as blood pouring down my arm
Out of my body

Now
I am no longer angry
Just exhausted
Done with it
Again and again
It doesn't surprise me
It just ***** out my livelihood
And leaves me one inch closer
To giving up
Everytime

I don't get angry now
I get even more broken

It hurts the most when it's the people who were supposed to bandage the wounds
Protect you from the monsters
And be a rock for you
Unconditionally
And forever
to lean on
End up being one
That just falls on you
Again and again
Until each bone is broken
And you can't move
Not dead yet
But you are just
Bleeding out slowly

Pinching myself is
Not enough for me right now
I need to see blood

"I'm sorry"
"Why are you sorry"
"My peices are making a mess"
"I'm okay with mess"

I may be quiet
But that's just because my mind is loud