Death it's a pool
Made out of every single thought
That kills me a bit more everytime
It spawns in my mind
And they keep spiraling down
In a wave of thoughts too hard to think
And in the end I just want to

Throw up my arms in surrender
Throw up my phone across the room
Throw up all the alcohol I took in to get home faster
Throw my head against the wall so the thoughts

Stop

Water through my hands,
wind through my hair.

The resource I lacked the most,
and now I have time
coming at me in bulk
But the amount of free time drowns me.

Then next the realization,
isn't the amount of time I have that matters
its what I make out of it

I just spiral
all the possibilities;
I could write a book,
I could finish reading those,
I could beat up a game,
I could learn a new language.

And the more I spiral with the possibilities
time rushes right pass me
till I have no time left

And I just keep tightening the spiral
Spiraling down

I'm tired
I mean physically
And mentally as well

I'm tired
I can't see things clearly
It doesn't help much your "I wish you well"

I'm tired
But somehow when I lay I can't sleep
I know life isn't fair to you
It also isn't fair to me

I'm tired
I don't know how to slow down
Doing a thousand things altogether
Wanting to rest my mind
But I have never learned how

I hate everything you say
I hate everything you do
But why the hell I ain't able to hate you?
You only make me mad
You only turn me blue
So why I don't know how to turn my back on you?
Maybe I'm just stupid
Maybe I'm just dumb
Maybe I'm a lost cause
Maybe I think it's fun
Perhaps one day I'll learn
Perhaps one day I will
See that friendship won't replace the hole that love fill

But I can't take it right now
I can't fight for you
I really think we were meant to be
But you have to fight for me too
I can't wish for both of us
You can't ask me to hold onto trust
I can't fight for you
And for me too

Today was bad
But at least
It was the only
"Today"
I will ever had

- tomorrow might not be better, but it's another day

I dont have the mind
Neither the time
To be thinking about this
To be feeling like this
To be so overwhelmed
To say the damns farewells
I just wanna
I just gonna
I don't know

-Maybe if I keep myself busy I won't have time to remember

I'm not sleepy
I'm sad
And somehow it took me

A very,
               very
                           long time

to separate both things

To write,
To take an intangible thing—
A feeling,
An idea—
And translate it into coherent words
That another rational being can grasp,
Through these structured arrangements of letters,
The emotions and thoughts
Of someone entirely unique.
How can one not be awed by writing?
How can one not see its magic
In our capacity to share
What resides deep within our souls?

Trigger me
You don't need much
Just the right word

Trigger me
Till the point I need
To numb everything

A pull
An intrusive thought
I could so easily drown in the pool

But night's young
And ******* long
So let's crack our drinks
And light it up
Make some steam

My head's pounding with no med
So let's soak it in
Till I can't see two feets ahead

I know you all will be up till morning
But I can't stand this much longer
So I'll knock myself out
Send down my throat whatever your handing
Till I pass out fourteen hours straight
Numb to the point I won't hear the words you're saying

And I got lost into emotions

Of the past
Of others
Of moments

Of every emotion
That buried my own

- how much it's too much?

I allowed me to trust
Now I can't bring myself to understand
That your safety isn't an option anymore
Every now and then
I catch a thought,
A plan or move that includes you
And I have to remember
You gave away my trust
Passed me up
Had just enough fun
And took away everything you brought
Now when I think of us
It takes so much to realize we were
But we are no more

Somethings are unfixable
You just have to learn
How to live with it broken

- the family I was given

It all blends together
The heat of the flashes
The giggling in the hazy
Hair strands on yours cheeks
A faint voice tripping on my ear
Yours hands sliding down my jeans
And it's so loud
I can't really tell which part
Is the music pumping in my veins?
Or the raining voices gossiping?
The shadows come and go
And the only thing I can actually process
Is how drunk on you I am
The rest is a blur
A distant dream
There's dance and there's drinking
But I only see the honey of your eyes
And the rest is confetti

I miss who I was with you
Now I'm just someone I don't want around

- I wonder who you are now

.
   .
      .
         .  
             .




- I'm so numb it's like I could be absorbed into my mattress

I don't expect for nothing
I'm just a spectator

I take a long bath
I convince myself the feeling won't last
I wait for the water to heal
My eyes get red, they know the drill
I wash my cheeks
It's been weeks
I drown my head
Thought I could bear
I let it down my back
Next hours I'll be numb on bed
I try to wash it away
But I dont think I can

-will I forever feel this *****?

And I'm in that place again
Can't listen
Can't comprehend

I try to make sense
Out of a heavy chest
And wet eyes
But my thoughts are too dense

I can't build sentences
To form a proper line
When I need to pour out the most
I'm just incapable of write

- my ink doesn't work when it's blue

We were two damage floaters
Trying to manage to stay afloat leaning on each other

-we realized too late we were sinking faster together

We all sleep
We all sleep
And by our skins goes the breeze
Yeah we all sleep
We're clever, aren't we?

The stars are too fondly
Oh, way too fondly for me
These stars are making me feel
These, can I keep?

In the deep
Way into the deep
It's all about to want
Not about to be

We all sleep
We all sleep
Not really thinking how to
But how to skip
And oh we all sleep
When I'm not awake I can't remember what I did

- When I'm asleep time goes by faster, closer and closer I get (to the final stop)

I write to heal
but the ink burns harder
than any wound I had before

I write to relieve
But every time the pen hits the paper
Those memories weights down on me

I write to pour out the madness
But as I try to put it out to make sense
The knots and turns just intertwine more and more

I write for me
So I can know who I was yesterday
Because tomorrow I'll be someone else
So I at least have to know who I'm morning for

What's there to celebrate?
Wow, really is it the end of the decade?
Very cool, yeah, great
You will still going to the same job on monday
You still having the same flaws like before
And the lock won't be undone on the doors
Chill out, my dude
We still haven't paid ours dues
It may be new years
But nothing it's really new

I don't even love you anymore, but
I'm still in love with the couple we were

-A picture was all it took to bring me back

I wanna die but don't feel any pain
I don't wanna melt down again
I wanna disappear without a sound
I wanna break every bound
Every vow
I wanna see my blood running
As life itself run away
Before realise it was all in vain
I wanna die
I wanna die
But in a special way
I wanna feel
But not pain
Will it be realisation?
Or sorrow till the end?
Will it be cries and howls
Or rest for my brain?
I wanna know
I wanna know
And it might be just pain
And not a single drop of relieve
I don't doubt
Because all the blame will be in me
For being wrong again
But at least "again"
Won't happen again, then.

My pyjama doesn't fit me loose anymore
And my favorite cartoon seems so silly
I never want to go outdoors
My room are my safe place lately
And I don't remember when I stopped to like that TV show
I wanted to be those girls when I got older
But they seem so empty now,
So boring now.
I never really wanted to grow up, just to people treat me like one.
When did I grow up?
Back there I would always be loud,
Now I'm always shut
When did I grow up?
Promised myself I'd never change
But the old me became dust.

- Always had a plenty of ideas of what I would become when I grew old, now I get none.

One day
I'll build an empire
I don't know what it will be made of
But I hope it doesn't end on fire

When the clock finish the circle
And the world goes into a blur
We will be nothing more
Than bad photos on someone's phone

I'm proud of my blood,
proud of my hair.
I'm proud of the culture
and the flag at my back.

And I got lost:

Of words.
Of me.

I'm so much
At the same time - so little
I do not comprehend who I was yesterday
I do not know certainly who I am today
And I can't tell if it's excitement or fear
for who I'll be tomorrow

All I know is uncertain
Thought I would stand my ground
For this or for that
But when the travel starts
I change my path
Who I am
And who I want to be
Doesn't seem to intertwined

I write down how I feel
I read it out
Trying to make out sense
Of whose stranger is on these lines

I want to be so many things
I pursue so many paths
I try to be all kind of people in one
And in the end that's the result
In the end - I am no one

Love can be great
But it can also be a grave
You've overcome my own personality
I don't even know who I am anymore if you're not here
I'm on my own now and I'm completely lost
I feel like since I've met you my life have been frost
Now I'm someone I've never met
I search into my mind for who I am but nobody's there
I look to my room and it is decorate like it belongs to someone I would love to meet
I wonder how my things looks so cool if not even I know who is "me"

-I was so used to "us" that I guess when you left you took us both

I love you. I really do.
You're the best thing I've ever knew.
When gets dark and nothing is left to do
I keep here, just thinking about you.
Did you ever tried? Did even wanted to mark me like that?
Cause all I'm today is on you.
Every line and every song I sang,
Every tear and buttlerflies on dance.
All I think it's worth to live for,
its you who brought.

- Tell me, may I one day means that much to you too?

I don't know who are my friends anymore,
I don't even know if I have any at all.
I just know I got drunk super fast so I could come back home.
In the end I just wish I could feel around them like I did before.
When we were young,
When the world was two neighborhood long,
When I could tell them anything and they would made me feel like I belong.
Yeah, I guess these days are long gone.


- I don't even see the same person when I look in your eyes anymore

You've put me into this world
Yet you despise me
Not looking on my face
Not asking if I'm ok
Just want to know
When I'm moving out
Why did you bring me into your life
If you hate the fact that I have one?

- the disgusting look in your eyes kills me everyday mom

Why do I have lungs
If I can't breathe
Why it's dark
If I can't sleep
Why is there silence
If I'm so anxious
Why isn't right
When isn't wrong
These nights
Have me wide awake
Trying to learn
How much I can take
My mind it's pounding
Words, flashes and sounds
I wish I could stop
But I don't know how

They said:
"You'll find your way"
But
There's irony in every step

- it's brutal out here

I wish I could
But I can't

-Anything at all

I want a bullet through my skull
Right outta my head
Oh I wish I was dead
I wanna die
And it kills me to be alive

Beating and beating
till it bleeds
Oh, I just wish to disappear
Some days out of thin air
Others to let a scene of full bloodbath
But most days are the same
I wish I wasn't
But I suppose I am

You love me
But just when I'm away
You care
Just when I treat you the same

You love me but don't even understand
I love you but not enough to stay

I thought being good with words
Meant I would be good dealing with people
But these two things are so far
From each other

What use is it knowing what to say
If I can't bring myself to open my mouth?

Once upon a time
I wanted to be a writer
I wrote and rewrote
All the things I had inside my mind
But it was never good enough

Then the colors got shattered
And red dripped from everywhere
I thought it was ironic
Words flood on the pages
After, and only after
I felt like there was nothing inside to give

- I got the writing and gave all else in exchange

Words whirl
In chaotic flight
Left and right
A pandemonium of linguistic might

Words engage
In a battle on rage
To see who will make it to the page

When did it get so hard to put them out?
When did I stop writing down?
When did the fire burn out?

Amidst the guts and smashed brain, I know
I cannot weave words I don't truly believe
I only pen what my mind's conceived

I halted my writing, afraid to confront my thoughts
To preserve the mask I've carefully wrought
But I'm suffocating in me, I need the writing
And the ink dont cease calling me

Told myself I was too happy to write
And art can't come out of good things
How can this be happiness
With my mind flooding with words like this ?
Why deceive myself?
Why stifle happiness?
When the situation I'm in
Is just enough to forget the pain
Not to let it go away

There's words dancing
All around you
They're floating
I try to adjust them in order
But how I could
When you're glowing
So bright all I can do is smile?

You make me feel dumb
Every arrogant tone
Every correction of my actions
Every rewritten of my words
Let them be messy
Let them be clumsy
They're mine

You make me feel dumb
And just laugh it off
Because "I'm gonna be mad
If you just try to help
With best intentions"

In the end
You just make me feel dumb
And like to feel superior
Somehow makes you feel better
About yourself
And all the things you done
That made you feel dumb

I just turned twenty
Somehow I still feel like twelve
I don't feel prepared to be an adult
But it never mattered how I felt

- I should have believed when they said time fly

You ran dry my words
I've put down the pen
Cause I had someone
To talk
And listen
To all the words glimmering and blistering
But you never heard
I caught you asking the same question over and over again
I caught you asking the same question over and over again
I caught you asking the same question over and over again
Like a tired sentence
That you read and reread when you're half asleep
I gave you all my words
I gave you my poet soul
But you never read it
You never wanted to know the scent of my ink
You just wanted I gave you all of me
To take care of your own disorganized and scribbles words
You wanted me,
The part that took care of your words
But never wanted me,
The part that longed to be heard