I am a grenade... A ticking time bomb.
No one knows when I will go off, or how much destruction I will cause. I don’t even know that myself.
I have seen in my dreams the end result of the explosion. How it will shatter and crush the lives of those that cherish me.
When my mind deteriorates and my mental state collapses in on me, my dark thoughts tell me to let go. To pull the pin. But I know I can not give in to those voices.
That’s why no matter what happens, no matter how bad my mind gets, I MUST FIGHT. I am not allowed to leave this world yet. Too many lives rely on me. My light, soul and essence are still needed in this world.
I am a grenade, but I will not pull the pin.

Sunday morning - 8:30AM
You wake up slowly, opening your eyes to life.
You turn on your favourite song and get lost in the music.
You are warm and cozy, the world feels still.

9:00AM
You get out of bed, the scent of fresh coffee fills the air.
Your first smile of the day, taking a deep breath in.

9:05AM
Your first sip of the delicious coffee, as you stare out the window into the world.
The sun is shining and there is not a single cloud in the sky.

Your mind is clear, not a worry to be seen.
Rest up, you deserve it!

That night, I fell to the floor, my mind broken and shattered. With the harsh, cold flush of steel against my throat, followed closely by a chilling sensation washing over me. The hooded figure of death appeared before my eyes. My vision strayed and all control slipped away, the ground below me cracked and shattered into darkness.
As I collapsed and hit the ground, Death stood tall over me and spoke, in a harsh voice offering… “Are you ready to come with me and escape this world? Have you given up on life?”
With all the strength I could possibly muster, deep inside my core, I rose and stared death in the hollow of his eyes, the cold chill still ripping down my spine.
“No, I am not.” I replied fiercely, my pain and fear shrouded behind a wall of stone built over the years.
“It is your time, I need you to come with me and you can leave this world quietly.” Death stated coldly with his empty red orbs, staring through the shell of my being.
“NO!” I yell out. “I am not ready to go yet. I can’t. I still have too much in this world to do. Too much to say. You leave me be until I am old and grey; then I will gladly leave with you. Until that point in time, you will not show your lifeless face again…”
As the dull sound of steel clashed to the ground, death smiled and asked, “Aren’t you a brave soul, to stand against death, so tall and mighty and not cower?”
At that, I turned and walked the other way, leaving death behind in the dust. I couldn’t leave this world. It wasn’t my time.
That was the day I defied death.

When the voices in my head arise, they say, "You are weak. You will never amount to anything in life. Give up, You are nothing..."
I reply back, a bright fire in my eyes, "You do not know me. You do not know what I have been through and where I am going in my life. I am shaking the stars and rattling the earth. I am climbing mountains, and I am NOT letting you win. You can not take me out of this life. I will silence you... Now leave me be. I have so much still to do, so much I need to say."
And at that, I silenced those doubtful voices in my head. They know nothing.

Welcome to my mind
My crazy, scattered, chaotic, wonderful, powerful mind.
Some days in my head, it is a bright blue sky and the sun is shining. All feels warm and happy. Those are my clear headed days.
And other days, My mind is a hurricane of a million different thoughts hitting all at once from different directions. The most intense storm you can think of.
But even in those storms, there is beauty behind the chaos. Power in the destruction. Strength within the cyclone.
My mind is a chaotic yet beautiful place, and one hell of an insane ride!
So, are you willing to go on an adventure with me?