Wrong day, wrong start
Wrong clothes, wrong hair, wrong voice
I'm scared
Wrong moves, wrong words, wrong thoughts
To loud, to bright, to much
Can't stay
I need to get away
Don't talk to me

Kind thoughts, self talk
Forced
Avoid all mirrors, avoid all triggers
So any input at all
Hide in your room
Closed curtains, cold showers
Something bland to eat
A comfort show on in the background, on repeat

Wait till the day is over
Go to sleep
It's okay

But what if tomorrow looks the same?

One day, at the children's faire
You find yourself stuck at the mirrors cabinett

Out of sight of your parents
You follow your friends
Walk beside them like you always did
But all of the sudden there is no room for you left besidse them
"Just have to walk behind them then"
You think

Spaced out for a moment
They just went straight ahead
In confindence and innocence, unbothered
But stepping where they stepped
You hit glass
"What's this now? I don't want this"
The road is blocked for you
While others just continue to walk on by

Your face, a slightly damp reflection
Shows suprise, anger and irritation
It looks scared
"Why can't I just go on, like they are?"

Okay then, you think
"I'll just have to find my own way now"
After taking a break
Crying and whining for weeks
"He missed school, whatever happend to him?
Let's write a get well soon card"
Getting further and further away from them
Being left behind really hurts
"Don't you love, me what did I do wrong?"

Sure you can call out, you can scream and shout
And struggle all you want
Adults have a word for that, he's "acting out"
Maybe some even will wait for you, for a while
Try to help and understand
The fewest do, and only for so long
They can offer you a hand
Before they have to turn away, go back to their own lifes
You're holding them back
Can't you see?

There is much excitement a little up the way
Once you're out of the labyrinth
Promises of popcorn and sugary delights
Of first nervous dates and bumpy faire rides
Blinking lights and short harmless frights
Nobody wants to stumble at the starting line
When it's about finishing the race in time

Life is decided in moments
A bag of decisions and "things that just happend to me"
To carry along, as long it's not to heavy
As long as it's not pulling you down
Deep underwater in darkness you will drown
Just struggeling to breathe normally
While watching others run marathons
From your enclosed space

Always watching your refelcetion in the mrror
Looking back at you, judging you
Which side is real?
Who hates whom more?
Try to ignore the panic building up inside
Transforming in time to fear, to anger, sadness,  self pity
To loneliness, hate and then just emptiness
Full cicle

Did you fail the game or did the game fail you?
For how long can you hold out, stuck in the same place
With nothing but promises and a hole in your tummy
Eating yourself up from the inside out?

I wrote this back then
Thinking of you
It's not my best work
But I thought I'd try
I don't know


Maybe you'd like it

Am I a boy or am I the man?

I've been so fixiated on getting it right
When life is really about getting it wrong sometimes
Over and over
Don't overthink it, let's just try that again
Hitting walls head first for an epiphany
Until you figure it out

It's not about avoiding the mess
Ir's abot going through
Come up for air once in a while
When you need to
Take a break

We can make sense of things in hindsight
When we're old and have the time
To be a little more than none the wiser

Double standarts left and right
I like a man who knows what he wants
Who knows how to **** but not **** around
Emotional available, mature
A little silly maybe, but not insecure

Take the lead and take what he wants
You take the leap for me, bear the risk
I'll watch and judge
Respectfully degrading
Know all the subtleties, get the que right and act fast
Never get it wrong, always right
Don't mansplain to me
Get away you creep
Wait, I like your jawline

I like nice
But only sometimes
In theory
When I have to force it out
You know, like the minimal amount?
He's so full of red flags
Oh my gosh girrrrrrrl you gotta get out
Gotta have something to talk about, later
...
My X is typing

Oh come on don't be boring
Oh are you crying?
xD, lol, screenshot saved
How lame, who's next?

Yes you can have a soft side, need to even
For her to exploit
But only the right kinda soft
The right kind of weak

Don't dress for the male gaze
Fat shaming is wrong
I grow hair where I want
It shouldn't define my atractivness
Societies norms are wrong
So how tall are you?

Guess we all **** each other
Up

Just joking of course
You're so tense, lighten up, be chill
You don't have to take everything so personally you know
We're just playing

Get your knives out
Get your grandads pitchforks
Today we march and march
No more benefit of the doubt
They had it coming, they did
With all their lies spread around
Can't trust the media
Get your facts straight, check your sources

Time to carve, time to shout
We'll be heard, we'll be loud
For love, for peace, for the motherland
To right past wrongs
Against the pale opression
We do it for the kids

Get up, get out
We hit the streets tonight
Dig in lemming before you starve
It's time to follow the one true voice
In blindness we walk
Eyes shut, don't look up
Only kick down, push back left and right

Listen only to the voice
Everyone else is lying to you, using you, manipulating bunch
Fella can't even say what he thinks anymore
Around these parts
We'll make it right

So only trust me, all you have to do is
Follow, don't think
Do as I say, jump Simon says
Off with ya, off the cliff
Have a nice flight
Make out a way for me
To walk upon
Piled up lifes, a mountain of bodies

So I'll get out
Richer still
Pawn to E4
#Atruebeliever
"Necessary sacrifice"

Don't forget to pick up my dry cleaning

I'll give it to you
If you earn it

Collecting tear drops in a swimming pool
The drip, drop on demand
Round and round it goes
But never away

No runing allowed around here
No jumping from the sides
Salty water wept in time
Turns to dust
Maybe as in star but more likely as in dirt

Sweat it out, squeeze hard
Nourish me
The pool remains empty
You take the plunge still
For me, you give
Head first to the concrete
Thick red to fill what's empty
You went heavy on the lipstick

Sweet screams I wanna hear
Loud and clear
Prove yourself
I am a god, to you
I require a sacrifice

Embrace me
But cut off your ugly parts first
Take off your head, your arms, your legs
Give your liver too and your heart
I am hungry for more
Lay em all out for me to discard
Premium cut, main course

It's time now
Take the jump

I'm watching

Skin on glass
Day dreaming, I'm not sleeping
Enough
Sweaty ***, another train ride
Downtown  
I get up in the morning
To late, to bad
Coffe  
Bad times
Continue to frown

I feel like I've grown
Up,  a little after all
In time, still always to late for the call
Missed so many meetings, opportunities
You
Are you still up, still there
For me?

What is it all for
What's the point
Where did I go wrong?
Exit the lane at the turnaround

The pain and the struggle
The everyday hustle
Wearing clean, white silk on a ***** body
***** mind
Filled with garbage to the rim
Hit me baby, one more time

That ***** needs some pounding
Feel me, fill me out
I'm empty and worn, all bottomed out
Choke till I blush red for you
Like I used to, back then
When things still ment something
To me, to us
Give me a good reason why breathing feels so hard now

One more day
And then I'll wake up
My life is the dream that I am living
I've never been in control of my dreams

Punish yourself
To make you feel
Better / something
You're worthless, it all adds up

Are you still there?

Bite my nails
Rip out my hair
Burn my skin
My head splits open
The best die youg
R.I.P.

Cut, cut, cut
Bleed out, a few thick drops
To the puddle
Drip, drop, drop
One arm in the bathtub

Why are you crying little dove?
It is late, look away
Go back to bed

Don't you remeber?
You asked me to open up

Ich bin ich
Der, der hinterm Mikro steht
Wer bin ich? Einer wie du eigentlich
Nur ganz anders

Anderes Geschlecht, andere Herkunft, Sexualität
Ein anderes Gesicht
Andere Persönlichkeit und Denkweise
Aber doch sind wir irgendwie gleich
Siehst dus nicht?

Grundlegend gleich
Gleiche Bedürfnisse und Emotionen
Gleiche Wünsche und Ängste
Irgendwie ironisch

Also warum verstehen wir uns nicht
Treffen, sprechen, einigen wir uns nicht?
Komm lass dich doch einfach mal ein auf mich

Vielleicht finden wir ja einen Weg
Gemeinsam
Am Ende einfach gemeinsam gleich, anders glücklich zu sein

Das sollte doch nicht so schwer sein
Komm, trau dich

I have stuffed in front off my pants
A big fat buldge
Skin on stretched out fabric
It is my ****
Rocking it rock hard

At the rear end sits
"The collective history of feminism since 1789"
Its a small book
You could read it in a day
If you chose to
Care

**** me
How poetic is that

Kneel down before my genius baby

Money doesn't mean much
I think
Against a lifetime lived
Between grief and happiness
Love and despair

I wished

Money doesn't mean much
Where heads rest at shoulders
In a world of morning dew and sundowns over the ocean
Where clouds lay down over the mountain ridge
Like white water turned golden

I hoped
Surely it couldn't

And when it all comes tumbling down
All gears stop turning for a day or two
I'll hold on to a thought
I once had
That money doesn't mean much
In the end

I've lost my footing
My feet ran away from me
Trying to get away as fast as possible
Abandonm ship
These waters are unfamiliar

I'm losing my head
Slowly coming undone
The everyday now is a fever dream
The good old times are gone
Yet each days remains the same
The same, same same all over again
I'm going insane
Can only pretend everything is fine for so long

Everything is changed and nothing changes
It's in the details
You could see it, feel it if you'd look
A change of mood
But people don't change
Fast enough
Who cares about history, the past
In present times?

It's happening again
Again and again and again
Right here too, but espacially over there
This isn't real, I'm not ...
What is? This
May just be the best way to live

Ignore, look away, zone out
Sedate yourself
Drown in all the noise
White screens in the dark, double tap
Swipe right, don't fight
back Shut yourself
away, become real quiet
And small
and Give up your voice

So you can stand the injustice
Double standarts all over
It's not fair
HA, what else is new?
You knew, you've known it since you were a child
All grown up now, a cynic, didn't you?
Incredible
What damage a little bit of hope can do
To you

Living in a world of predesign
The system is working against you
Just a bunch of made up rules
Making us miserable
We stand divided together
Children will always fight at the school yard

Capitalism
Modern day cancer
Limitless growth in a finite system
Value money over peoples needs
What could possibly go wrong?
When you only matter as much as your numbers add up
Working for them, the few
Whoever they are
The big bad behind the picture
Behind curtains or office windows
Step out on stage, into the spotlight
Let me draw you
A pretty picture

The world is ******
And so are you
****** before you got here, not even a thought yet
****** while you're here
And ****** long after you're gone
Maybe, hopefully, finally
At peace

Freedom
Freedom is a loaded gun under your bed
Plan B,C,D... Z
A way out

Maybe the scariest thing you can do is to become a parent

Give some hope to the hopless
Youth
Shine a little light
It's so dark and cold
Here,in some random back alley
I'm all alone
Sunk into the wall, I'm on the ground

On my last couple breaths
I don't feel strong, I'm afraid, but
Bleeding out from all the wounds and scars
That I've collected over the years
I can't help but smile faintly
Knowingly
It's an inside joke, you wouldn't get it

I'm dying
Here
Going out, together with the rest of the world

Will you hold my hand?
Gift me some warmth
Pad my head one last time
Like my mom used to do

Last words
Tell me, was I any good?

There are 7164 known languages spoken in the world
The largest dictionary contains 1.100.373 words
You guessed it, it's korean
Does it make it easier to say how you feel?
About me, about your life?
What phrase do you think is the most used of them all?
Is it "thank you"," hi", or" I'm sorry"?

The most people are born in September
Namely the 9th
New Years, a night to remember
There are ten numbers that make up many times infinity
Describing a lifetime

The average life expectancy of men are 68.9 years
For women it's 73.9
How many of them die in peace?

How many people go by an intersection in a miunte
To meet breefly without noticing?
How many looks do you exchange with strangers
Each day on average?
How many of them touch your soul?
What's the ratio?

Did Schrödingers cat meow in the box?
Asking for pets in the dark
The most fundamental question in the world
Is it time for lunch yet?

Dear David USA, NY

200 pairs of socks owned, the crazier the better he says
I'll have them all
Been a president already for 15 years and stil going strong
They're still counting
On you

It takes about 6 cups a day for him to warm a heart
Learn from the Italians David!
Glasses of wine aren't ment to be counted
4 cats, 2 hedgehogs, 1 goldfish
Make for a big family
Sounds like a good one

Just LOVES the ocean and the snow he says
To cool his mind with something beautiful
Find peace in the vast
And watch the reflection shine a little light back into your life
Let it brighten your day
Maybe we need more men who love in capital letters

So many numbers make up a life
The stroy basically writes itself
It's right there
All you have to do is take a moment to look
Imagine a screen, watch it unfold
Try to hold on too
Numbers add up fast
If you're not careful
And blink twice
Present becomes the past

Stay safe and smile bright

I'm a lonely cup of coffe
A quick takeout
Left in the metro
Just standing there
No one'a paying particular mind
No one is noticing me

Long gone cold
Still remembering the soft lips I once have hold
Dear
Take a sip to test the heat
Than chug me down
Till I'm all empty
I've served my purpose
And got left behind

Waiting to be picked up
And thrown to the trash
Where I belong

Gotta keep the streets clean

I want a dog and a cat
A wall with shelf after shelf
Filled with all the books that I’ve read
I want a house in the forest, near a lake
And a place to grow old and slowly forget
A peacful way to live

I’d like you to join me there
If you can
To stay by my side
Watching the time go by
Everyday that I wake up
With a smile

Eternally grateful for the day that we met
And the nights that came after

Currently there are 7164 known languages
Spoken in the world
Most use words
Some sounds, some signs
Some are almost dead, some sparkle full of life
Sometimes they’re used to freely too
Words hold power, mind you
So think before you speak!
Or at least apologize after you’ve done the deed

Sorry I misspoke
Sorry, I don’t understand
I don’t speak your world
Bodishi, ar mesmis
No entiendo
Try to get by with hands and feet
Flash a smile
Can you teach me maybe?

So many different ways to say hi and goodbye
I miss you, I love you and it’s over
It’s not your fault, let me help!
Or what about lunch?
What’s the most spoken phrase?
Is it hello?
I’m sorry or maybe thank you after all?

I can’t wait to hear sounds I’ve never heard before
Speak of familiar things

What would I be like in your language
Who else could I be?
Show me my name
Send me a sign
A glimpse of your life
A moment of your time

I’d like to try it on
And try to make it mine

Just
Talk to me

You raised me
In love and bliss
Held me for years
Made me feel safe
Taught me
Values of family and community

Just so
One day you could just barge in
No greetings, no warnings
I've been snatched
And decide now is the time I get to know pain
Pin me down to the ground
You'll scar me forever

Called in a "specialist"
Old woman torturer
It's a full time job
Who with ***** nails and wrinkled hands
With whatever sharp tool they could find
Laying around, what's on demand
Starts to cut, to etch
To scratch and scrape out parts of me
Touch sacred ground
Taking away what's mine forever
What I didn't yet know much about
But one thing I do know
They made sure it hurt

I don't understand, Ma
What have I done to deserve this?
White and red flashes
Dots of light
Someone is screaming
Loud
Till my voice cracks and finally gives out
After how long I couldn't tell
I passed out
But not for long

Conscious again just in time
Blurry eyes
To feel the faceless monster
Use thorns to mend
Trying to held together
What she has destroyed almost completly
Taken from me
Forever

And you're the orchesstrator of the crime
Almost unspeakable
Even if I'd regain my voice
You let this happen to me
Even helped!
Why? Why? Why?
What have I done to you?
Where did we go wrong?

"She's lost her innocence
She's all grown now"

No not lost but taken
In the most violent, cruel way
The highest sin, the biggest betrayal
For it came from within,
From the most trusted, my own, my family
Literally raised me as a lamb
To the slaughter

Threw me in the dirt
Kept me on the ground
And watched me get cut with open eyes
Who listened to my voice break and give out
Begging, sobbing, shaking
Mommy make it stop

And you still call me dear daughter
After?
What nerve
How did you feel
When you saw me rest
Barely alive
While infections running wild
In my body?
Lying there helplessly
Still somewhat there, alive but not really
Caged in some ditch
Hidden away for weeks or eternity
Who can say

If I'm "lucky" I won't die here
In a poddle of my own ***, pus and blood
Unable to move, eat or sleep
A stick stuck between my legs
What once was a *****
To clog the drain
I have no tears left in me to weep

It was done as it has been for generations
It is our culture, normal in our tribe
You outsider can't possibly understand
It is proper
To torture your own daughter
Do like she did to me before
My own mother

So some man can check later
That you're ready for marrige
To make sure
Your body never know pleasure
Where's the **** lover boy?
So you forever know your place
Before you really know anything
Marked for life

We'll tell your friends, your children later
About the honour
Don't worry
We'll cut you open and sew you up again
When you get into labour
We'll do it again and again
We got you sister, you and your sisters sister

Only then do you belong
When yu're cut down to form
To fit the norm

Maybe in another life
Another lifetime
You can begin to understand
And heal
In another world maybe
You could get your revenge
On your perpetrators and their friends

Soldier boy
Be a good boy
Chained up
To your little hut
Closed off space
Only a yard or two to pace
Back and forth, back and forth

They raised you well
Only one purpose
All bark and bite
At everything that's new
That smells, seems strange

It's all you've been taught
All they see you fit for
How could you be anything else
Anything more?
Do you have any friends?
Does anyone come closer
See past the shell
Unafraid of the pain you promise
Gently offering you a hand
Trying to make peace?

What a lonely life you must lead
Dear leader of the pack
I hope soon things will change
And turn out for the better
May you find kindess, a little freedom even
Locked away from the world
In your cage

In the heart of the storm
Only there it is
That your rage goes quiet
Settles down
Drowned out, under the sound
Of weeping winds roaring loud
An fade and fade
Gone at once
Just swept away

Lost importance
Together with the rest of the world
Doesn't matter
All things change
Raising the question
Like a whisper amongst the noise
What now?

What now? What now? What now?

Sometimes
You meet people
Like her

Welcoming you in
Without being asked to
Gentlly and slowly
In your own time
There's no rush

She just stands there
In the living room
The evening light hitting the mirror on the wall
At just the right angle
Her hair's ******* to a bun
But a strand falls in her face

Another case of accidental Barouque

Sometimes you do get lucky
You meet people who don't use you
Up
Don't wear you
Out
Like the rest of them

Who don't just try you on for size
Force you down
Rip something
Wear and tear
And then throw it back on the shelf
For someone else to sort out

What's that about?

When will we be finally able
To bottle

The silence of mountain tops
After a long walk up and the wind just drops
That smell
After the first summer rain
Just stopped
Of fresh cut grass and fig leaves in the sun
The bite of a cold winter night
And the taste of your lips on mine?

Had enough?
Looking to stop
A quick way out, taking the exit?
There's two at the front, two at the back and four in the middle
Pull the cover and push to the side
All you have to do is jump
Feeling anxious again?
Yeah that *****

But look
Imagine how far you could go
Where you could be one, two, three, ten years from now
You'll be taking off, flying
To hot to handle

Gran says be careful around the stove
Wear mittens

I'm so sick of it

Sick of all the insecurity
Sick of being silent and invisible
Of being used and exploited
Just another number in some system
That I grew into
Sick of being forced to do things
That are "mandatory"
But without reason or logic behind them
Outdatet
Sick of being taken for granted
All the disrespect
I'm sick of nodding along, being understanding
I want to be done with it

But can't get out of my skin
Not for long
Not running on a dead line or anything
But I'm feeling like I'm running out of time
I'm missing out on so much
Again no better yet still
I can feel it slipping through

So I go away
Looking for a better place
For me, to stay
Look for people who care, who appreciate me
And know how to show it
Maybe
One day I can call a place my home
One day
It's gonna be okay

Walk a mile in my shoes
No, better even
Try running

Borrow my eyes for one evening
To see the world
From my point of view
To see as I do
To see how I see you

Maybe then you'll believe me
How great you really are
I do
I really love you

Maybe then you could see it too

In der Hose, im Pulli
In meinen Taschen
Eine handvoll Pennies
Im Mund und im Kopf
Lächeln mit Zahnlücke und ADHD
Das hab ich selbst diagnostiziert
Schubladen sind nur zum Verschließen gut

Und im Herz, ja im Herz
Da herrscht Leere
Du fehlst halt

Aber immerhin weg
Nicht mehr hier
Mit dir

In Wien
Budapest, Berlgrad, Istanbul
...
Und wieder zurück
Immer wieder
In Berlin

I am
I am left
Wanting nothing
But not in a good way

There is just nothing left
Here
To want

As the story still continues
After
- the end -

It takes some salt
Some water and some wheat
To bake up a story
Could be my story
Could be a good stroy
Of a life filled with worry

I took some beatings in my time
You see
I tried and failed
Took some beatings
Crushed again and again
I choose poorly

To be fair
I might have been
An ***
Savory and juciy
Call it a pastry

Still there is some beauty
Left in me
Leftovers
Blooming like a delicate flour
Sorry, I'm a little drunk
It's meant to be "flour"

Then one night it happens
You're out
A she enters the scene
Gets her hands on you
Hot and steaming
"You're so sweet"
Put some sugar on top
Smear it on my mouth
Mouth to mouth
Don't forget to swallow
You're toasted, breathing shallow


3,2,1 time's up
She got bored of you
Bored of your taste
Lost interest and turns away
Another oppurtunity gone
Again
Got your hopes up
Again
Over time you can't help it
You turn sour

I'm tired
Please
Lay me down to rest
I only ever wanted
To live freely
You can only do what you can
With what you have
And try your best

The next day
Another night, another girl
It's late
We are at mine
You have me
For one night
Now
Leave your marks on me
Add scars to my back
Might be to much for me
You crush me a little, make it crack

After you're done with me
You just stand there
Wait and watch
Patiently
You have time, no rush

Watch me turn and turn
In my sleep, in my dreams
You watch me suffer
Watch me, rise and fall under the heat
I'm under preassure
How I beat myself up
You add to it too
Inflated ego
On the rise
Getting bigger and bigger

Let's wait some more
The moment I cool off
Back at room temp
And let myself fall
Right into your arms
You'll strike
Dig in your nails again
Tear me apart
Pull out my insides for the world to see
See, I told you I was soft there
And warm too
Hot even, just for you

A fair trade
I eat you out, you eat me up
Devour me whole
That's the deal
And yet you're hungry still
For more

The world is your oyster
Tell me now

What's for desert?

Das Problem ist bekannt
Du bist was du isst
Und du bist hungrig
Auf mehr
Also friss
Mir aus der Hand