The first time
I cut
Was with the pocket knife
My mother gifted to me
For my coming of age

"In case something need fixing"

Pinks like teeth
Ripping on flesh
Dragged through my skin

I didn't go very deep

No courage to life
No courage to die
Back then

A total failure
What an embarrassment
Lost  in a stalemate
Of heritage and upbringing

Left alone between
A loving broken home
And a suffocating society

Different ages call for different cages
Different in size and shape
But all the same in it's function

I'm out now
Free,
Free to lock myself away
To go looking on my own
For the familiar safety
That is found behind bars.

There is this one question
Which seems to manifest
Waiting, lurking
Behind every turn
And every corner
A reacurring visitor

Tell me
Where did I go wrong?
What did I miss?

Tell me
What is wrong with me?

It's true
I can be
whoever I want
When I'm with you

No pressure to be
Anything
No preassure to perform

But I'm left asking myself
Now,
As I see less an less of you
As you're out with your new friends
Spend time with your girl
All this time

Was it because you saw me
And accepted me as I am
Or was it because
You don't  really know
How to care?

I feel myself slipping
Growing weaker by the day
I chose to soften
To slow down
Go easy, take five

The more I do
The less I want to go back
To the before
To get up and try again

Why try again?
Let's just lay down
Hide
And fade away

Choosing peace
I lost
My edge

It's true
I can adapt
I can recover

Rebuild,
Reconnect
And suffer and suffer

But why should I
Why fail
And lose again?

If I'm hard wired
To seek comfort in familiarity
Then why bother?

Because
As long as I choose not to
My body draws it's next breath
And each day still passes the next

My life my be lost on me
For now
But to you a world with me in it
Is not all meaningless yet

Dear Mister
Suit man,

Did you choose this life?
To lock your power away
Buried in layers
Half buttoned
Slim fit
Not much room left here
To breathe

In an attempt to control oneself,
Make yourself seem composed
A small plea perhaps
For compassion?
Hide away the threat within
Trying to appear harmless
Who are you fooling?

Dialing down your strength
To function in society
To be accepted
Or are you just holding back?

Pacing in a cage
Is a beast,
Waiting
For the right time
To break out, to roar

Are these broad shoulders yours?
Or are you wearing patts?
Could it be?
Insecurity?
And worn so close to your chest,
On open display
Custom fitted

Does it hold you back?
Keep you reserved
Keep the rage in check?
I doubt it

Keep you upright,
Keep you going?
When your backbone doesn't hold
Does it help safe face ?

In this masked ball
We call life
You're beginning to stumble
Begining to crack

When the suit comes off
After a long day
Out in the open, under fire
When all the pressure stored up within
Leaks out, at once
When the chains fall off,
To the ground
cling, cling

Do the bars still hold?
Or do you let the monsters out
Into the light of day
Off the leash
To roam free and get some fresh air

Do you manage to supress yourself?
To continue this farce
The dark white rage
Luring within
Starving embers, running cold
There is no warmth left in you

What do those hands do?
Without a collar to the wrist
In remote rooms
Behind closed doors
In the shady corner of the street
Who has his eyes on you here?

Do you feel your farthers gaze
perhaps?
Your mothers absence,
The absence of love
A sting in your chest

Hear the white noise
Growing louder and louder
Every day
Penetrating your skull
Demanding to be heard

The hole in your torso
Growing and growing
You're collapsing, imploding
There's no stopping it now.

You can losen your tie,
Unbutton your shirt
But you can't losen the grip
Around your neck
The weight on your shoulders
Doesn't lessen
The show must go on

Do remind me
To buy me a new suit

Custom made

Kann man eine Beziehung führen
Ohne sich dabei selbst zu verlieren?
Seine Selbstständigkeit aufgeben,
Um miteinander
Zusammen auf zu gehen?

Wo setze ich meine Grenzen
Damit es funktioniert
Und nicht kaputt geht?
Damit ich nicht an dir,
Mit dir zu Grunde geh?

Wieviel kann ich abgeben?
Wie viele Kompromisse bin ich bereit einzugehen?
Von Zufriedenheit zu Glück zur Liebe
Oder immer im Kreis
Wieder von vorn?

Hallo,
Schön dich zu sehen,
Na dann, auf Wiedersehen
Wieder alleine sein,
Lieber alleine bleiben?
Muss das so sein?

Gehört das Wirklich dazu?
Wenn achtzig Prozent stimmen,
Dann ist es perfekt
Sagen sie
Kannst dich glücklich schätzen
Welche achtzig genau?

Wer bin ich überhaupt?
Ohne dich , mit dir, nach dir?
Was will ich, was brauch ich?
Was weiß ich,
Schon?
Nichts davon

War da mehr bevor oder nachdem wir uns trafen?
Vor oder nach den ersten drei Monaten,
Dem ersten halbem Jahr,
Nach drei, nach sieben
Fünfzehn, dreißig ...?

Werde ich je Gewissheit haben?
Das es das ist
Das du es mir wert bist?
Bin ich schon angekommen,
Oder sollte ich weitersuchen?
Bekomme ich Klarheit, ohne dich dabei zu riskieren?
Dich zu verlieren?

Bleib bei mir,
Sieh mir nicht ins Gesicht
Komm mir nicht zu nah,
Aber bitte warte noch,
Bitte
Verlass mich nicht