My inner child
is still here
with me
watching

Staring blankly into space
his eyes tired, arms drooping
yet his legs still dangling in the air

Looking up
a quick flash of a sad smile, crooked
he looks so thin, so weak
it's hard for me to bear

He's beaten
but still here
with me
still has hope

Waiting for a better future
that's yet to come
to make it all worth it

I'm telling him,
telling you, really
to give up,
look away
this part isn't for you to see

This part of my life
has  lost all it's innocence
what has choosing to stay kind
really given us in the end?
What have we gained?

It's not a pretty sight,
quite emberassing really
I don't believe yet here I am
still holding on,
to something

Survival isn't supposed to be pretty

I don't know how to live life
right,
right?

Can't **** myself either

In theroy
I had a perfect enviroment growing up
for happiness

Safe, supported, nourished,
cared for
Yet I've almost always felt
mistreated,
unhappy, miserable
hurt and alone

as long as I can remember

I think there has been a mistake
a defect in manufacturing, perhaps
so please pull me back
this faulty good
will only damage your reputation

Go down,
lay down
stay down,
grovel at the ground

Give up
dont try
to get up, again
it's not worth it

Hardship doesn't go away when you turn from it
and not when you face it either,
maybe,
just for a little time
you can avoid the confrontation
or earn you a break
you'll need it then

Maybe it just never goes away
truly
no end in it's design

Clingy *****

Why does it feel like,
I have to fight off the world
and my body at the same time,
all the time?

Aren't we supposed to be allies
in this?
And why do I feel so alone
doing so?

I would give everythig right now
to be
nothing, no one
let go of my identity

Listening to circadas humm
lying in the shade of an apple tree
feel how the ground refelcts the heat
of the sun

Nothing left in my mind,
a steady merry heartbeat
as I drift away into slumber

No reponsibility
just peace of mind
and my chest so warm,
filled with wonder

I am free

Me
and my body

We aren't friends anymore
my mind that is, me
my emotional state

We share the same space
share our time,
the same resources

A constant struggle
of achieving equilibrium
they keep dialing in,

Wishes, plans, goals
expectations and energy
call it fine tuning

still
always compromised

If I don't find a table to sit at
soon
A group of people, a place where I belong
who support each other
someplace where I am appreciated and sought out
with a purpose and a role to play

I don't think I'm gonna make it.

But I don't know how
I've never learned
and I'm running out of time.

I feel like I missed out on a lot,
a lot of potential lost
over the time,
due to circumstances

Always on the outside spectating,
speculating how it would be
to scared, frozen in place by fear to try
never truly part of something
nver part of the picture

Always trying to stay safe,
yet still hurt in the end
pathetic to myself
politely overlooked and set aside
I was nobodys priority, except for my parents
who could never seem to help either

There seems to be something wrong with me
or maybe wrong the world, or both
makes no difference in the end
a failure from the start
I'm different but not special, not the good kind

I'm there if needed, reliable, dependeable
although lost I'm your guy
hard working, compromising, sacrificing
to earn my worth, my space
I lost my health, my joy, my innocence
no boundaries in place

Full of fears, of origins long forgotten
surviaval instincts that might have saved me then
but are ony a hinderance now
trapped in my bubble, my cage

Trying my best to stay still, to stay put,
stay quiet
they might not notice me here,
avioding the occasional rattle,
a poking from the outside

Being unable to risk means being unable to enjoy your life
which makes me lost
soon
a lost cause

I wish my mind
were a land to walk upon
each part another landscape,
each emotion another season
my mood controls the light

Consciousness and subconsciousness
present and past
open and buried

Like trasures in a fantasy dungeon
to dig up and discover
let's make it an adventure

I wish to walk these lands
with you
togehter we might understand
me

Finally