If the human race is a species
based on community for it's survival,
why are there mechanisms,
that make living together harder?

When mating and reproduction
is my basic,
animalistic task in life,
then why is there a feeling like embarrassment
or shame
that stops me,
freezes me in my tracks?
Preventing me from fufillment

If evolution is adaption to the enviroment
why is the system so inconvenient,
so complex and fragile, unintuitive
why am I so flawed?

Our survival measures can be as dangerous to us
as the threats they protect us from
Survival makes up most of our life
You either build up, maintain, protect or recover.
Happiness is not necessary part of that desgin,
desirable yet not crucial to the construct,
a mean to an end.

Why is there a build in conflict of interest
between my body and mind
so
me and myself?
What I need versus what I want?

What's the point
to all this complications,
to all this struggle?
My life is designed to end, sure
But then why make it so hard,
so easy to become miserable
and so hard to remain fulfilled?

Society is the logical answer to survivability
against nature.
But it's also feels like poison
Poison to my mind,
polution to my bones.

One of humanities biggest flaw
might be
that we die to young
and forget to quickly

You spend all your life
figuring out who you are
where you belong
grasping for a purpose

Trying to figure out
your faults and problems
Are those yours
or just inheritance?

Trying to remember
what went wrong in the past
Clinging to a made up story,
half reinvented anyway
Trying to learn, to predict, to better yourself
to fix yourself

Reclaim what was lost
pick out
the good from the bad
what's to keep and
what must go

And then
after years of reflection,
of trial and error
when you finally feel like
you might have a clue
...

You're over
your body's beaten and sore
your time has passed
Your mind, your body, your soul
broken down, taken apart
rebuild over and over

Each time wearing thinner and thinner
all of your energy is gone,
invested and spend
in your pursuits
How noble

You might find yourself
trying to teach whoever's dear
what you've concluded
what you have learned.

They won't listen
just as you did
in the past

The rumbling of the old
is white noise to young minds
The loud silence of age
The wisdom in the pause
of important teachings
lost in thought

A flickering lamp
in the dark
on it's last breath
covered in dust

On it's last moments
surronded by nothing but moths,
misguided creatures
clinging to warmth, to the flame

Desperate to find a way,
to find rest
or maybe simply
not to be
alone.

Short lived lifes to an old one now lost,
and laid
to rest

I wonder
when in my childhood
did little me go, from being
loved, cared and protected
a walking sunshine
whaetever the seaon
from being unbotherd and innocent
...

To making pretend,
protecting myself
and not trusitng anymore
building up walls
high and higher

Hiding away in his little fantasiy worlds
strong, and invulnurable
always on top
the hero
to save the day
no one can reach me here,
no one can hurt me here

Avoiding real life whenever,
avoiding the outside
shying away
fleeing when possible
An outcast trying to find something to hold onto
with a weakening grip

You have to do this on your own
you think
the world is bad outside
it doesn't welcome you
like the others

Better to keep away
Don't move, keep quiet
no sound,
stay hidden
in the background
this way
they might overlook and forget,
they might not notice you

Who hurt you this much?
I've long forgotten,
the origin of my instincts
I've survived and have to unlearn now.
unravel

Be safe little one,
be patiend,
try to be kind to yourself,
at least a little kinder

Although most people are quite nice to me
I'm still always expecting them to be mean
to hurt me
again
like they used to do
fulfill my expectations

It's kinda funny

I get nervous when I have to meet someone
new
Why is that?
I'm shaking, heart is racing, hands are sweating
I can't get anything done beforehand
but have to keep myself busy
so I won't go crazy

Killing time till the time comes
to be late
to be nervous
can't be myself,
to scared to be bold
let the akwardness unfold

I thought,
that all of my anger
stored up throughout my youth
throughout puberty,
misstreatment and depression
just went
away

As all things just pass
eventually
naturally
over time
Can't always be raining

But maybe it's al still there
In here
locked with me
waiting patiently
and I just don't feel it anymore.

Waiting for the right moment
to strike, to break out
for the last drop to fall
and spill out
the beast freed from it's cage
finally

It went real quiet,
compared to how loud it used to roar,
not tamed, just lurking,
cowering down,
ready to jump
me
from the dark

To devour me hole again.

How does it feel,
when you've learned to make yourself accpeted, included and liked
by making gifts to others?
When you feel like you have to earn your worth, earn your place?
Always think of others, their needs, help them, care for them,
you keep going out of your way to please.
Without even being asked to.

Literally no one asked, why do you still do it?
No appreciation to be found
yet you still give more, do more, spend more.
Till they excpect it from you.

Just to watch your gifts be tossed aside,
become forgotten and expired.
You can fish them out of the trash later.
Frame them, added to the collection.

Be grateful you can still be around.
No one likes you anyway right?
You're nothing but tolerated.
Leftovers, appendege, third wheeling.

Be grateful. at least you're not completly worthless and alone,
right?
Does that sound right
to you?

Turn up the music,
louder and louder still.
Till my ears bleed and I go deaf.
Till my thoughts become lyrics
my body in resonance, same frequency.
My feet to the rhytm, my heart a drum to the beat.

Till I find ecstasy in drowning out myself