I’m addicted to the feel of cold metal sliding across bare flesh
Addicted to the instant
when nothing marks smooth skin
immediately before
red rivers rapidly rise
painting a once white canvas
with a flood of emotion,
tears on my cheeks,
sobs caught in my throat,
numbness replaced by pain & sadness.
Addicted to the imperfection
of red welts and dotted scabs that follow,
fingers drawn like magnets
to the texture of healing skin,
tracing over and over and over now fading ridges
Amazed that I am strong enough
to heal myself over and over and over.
Convincing myself that I am strong enough.
I find strength in my weakness.

You say you are listening...
but do you hear the pain in my voice?

You say you hear me...
but are you listening to my cries for help?

You say you can help me...
but where are you when I need you most?

You say I can trust you...
but are my demons safe with you?

You say you see me...
but do you see my scars?

You say you love me...
but do you mean goodbye?

I would like to sleep tonight
but I am held hostage
by the demons
in my head

I gave you every last drop of me
I gave you everything I had
And you took it
Selfishly
Greedily
You beat me with your cruel words
Whipping my bare body with shame and pain
You ripped through my world
Tearing apart my mind and soul
Stole away my passion
My smile
My desires
My drive
You starved me of my happiness
Til I was withering away
A ghost of the girl I used to be
A shell of a human
So fragile
So deprived
So dependent
Not alive
You made me scared
You made me need you
You made me beg
You made me plead.

You left
And I will never be the same.

What if
every time we were on the verge of tears
ready to cry
ready to breakdown
ready to give up
ready to shut the world out

...what if we smiled at a stranger instead,
they might be feeling the same way.