The cold air flows in from the door
While we huddle in little groups
Felling betrayed by our mutual need
To actually talk and feel
But that's hard isn't it?
We all are so ******* broken
But no one wants to fix themselves
Comfortable with a shattered image of who they once were
Dying broken
Laying broken
Shattered coffins fill the graveyards of our people
And I just wanted to have a nice dinner conversation
But it all went to ****

Life is certainly better now that i've left for college
I havnt woken up or falling asleep sobbing since i got here
The girl(s) i like only play mind games that make me question everything
only sometimes
I havnt stopped writing like i thought i would though
Thats very distressing
My classes seem to be going easier then they were a few weeks ago
I think im going to not get good grades this time either
But things are certainly different
sometimes i actually believe peoples smiles are sincere for once
sometimes i think these people actually like me
sometimes i dont hate myself
there is even another writer here
maybe i'll get to know him
did i say im getting better or life is?
because im not getting better
no, just the circumstances have changed
thank god for distractions

Slump your shoulders
Listen to the professor’s drone on and on
Feel the eyes of her boring into the back of your head
Slump forward
Stop listening to the lecture on chemistry
Fight the urge to look behind you just to make sure she is doing anything
Lean back
Fight the urge to scream at the professor
Slowly put your head in your hands because you don’t know what else to do
Head hangs low
Give the appearance of listening
Sit back and try to breath and just don’t do anything odd or weird for the love of god

Just remember i didn't ask to play this game
you asked me too
i told you i was good at chess
you would use your bishops
my knights were short lived but important
i kept my rooks though
i lost both my bishops much to early
you asked me a question
i told you my answer
i put you in check
and i walked away
is the answer to your question
on your mind?

The coffee is cold
Bitter flavors meet a ceramic dream
I can't remember if the coffee was bitter
or if it was supposed to get rid of the bitter taste in my mouth
an empty page in front of me
filled with everything I've spent today doing
this is cup number five
this isn't the New York apartment we dreamed of
this was never the life we dreamed it would be
but if we could see how our life would turn out
we would be miserable before we started
still, for all the ups and downs
I never once thought that my life would turn out like this

Come away with me
To the pristine beaches
Laying away the days
Under our palm umbrella
Lazy Sunday's becoming
Lazier lives
Come away with me
To the beautiful beaches
Where the sand feels just right
And we can hold hands forever
Come away with me baby
To live and be free

Stop and start my heart again
Put my chart in its yellow bin
take my roaring pulse
feel my blood calamity up
how do you fix broken mind
because I'm flying blind

Whats the cure for frostbite of the heart?
again, I don't really want to start
I have a medical history
of a freezing heart
and in this summer
the feelings growing number

measure the beating of my heart
look at the EKG
my life in a pattern
up down up down up
...
isnt that a way to go

fix my broken bones
i tried catching up to you
i tripped over myself
and now i have to stop
untill i can see you again

Let the curtain fall
on this scene of our life
hear the audience clap the silence away
hear the people weep at such a performance
go back stage and put your face
back in its proper place
were the tears tears of joy or pity
did the audience clap at such a great performance
or at the fool  for thinking he was anything but
where you even in the audience
it was all for you

Streets glowing in the dark mist
Raining for weeks
People say God himself is crying
Some great travesty of the human race
The streets are being filled with repentance
Thinking they are running out of time
They want to leave with a clear conscience
As the streets run afoul with paranoia striking deep  
The jokers laugh at the greatest joke of all
Leaving a live free of doubt

Gone are the days of laying in bed

And here are the days of missing in it's stead

Fanciful thoughts still alive today

Open for the world, on a display

You Dream, are not forgotten

No, you fill my writers pen

Writing these words

That no one will hear

Even when they listen

As poor, poor Dream

Knows he isn't true

Hark! The prodigal ******* returns!
Hark! Going away didn't change anything did it?
Hark! No, dreams are for those that can dream
Hark! I slept horrible last night
Hark. I only dreamed of you
Hark. It was such a good dream
hark. I never wanted to let go
hark. it was raining so hard.
I never wanted to dream of you
I only ever wanted to sleep sound

when the only dreams you have betray you
sleep is no longer the safe haven it was supposed to be
what can one do in the night
fitfully lie there
the pillows are not quite comfortable enough
the blankets just a tad too thick
our situation just a touch too unfamiliar
i didn't dream last night, i always assumed i would
no dream is better than bad dreams
no answer is worse than a bad one

Drinking doesn't usually cause dreams
But last night I couldn't wake up
And the dreams are still so crisp to me
That girl walking along the lake
With her nice little canon
We had a nice talk
About how hard it was
To capture the lakes beauty
I remember the bridge
And my hat flew off
And in the water were my friends
Old and new
All waving at me to join
I remember being thirsty
So thirsty
I couldn't stop drinking water
I was drowning in my dehydration
And when I woke up
I went and got a cup of water
And felt a little bit more alright

Carrying on and drudging on
Drowning in the lake that is now life
Semi-inflatable hair brained schemes
drowning without them
but only delaying the inevitable now
slowly letting out the air
night dawns on today's death
filling with ink webbing across the sky
blotting out the stars
snuffing the young flames before they really had a chance to burn
and as the dark wind howls across the ocean
a pious silence fills the sky

I'll be the first to admit I'm drunk
And that I could probably be drunker
And I'll also be the first to admit
That my life has progressed to a point
Where I can't be happy even now
I can feel the room shaking
It's almost like its anticipating something big
The room is just waiting for life to be breathed into it
Yet here I sit
A spirit that can't provide for the room
I'm not really able to provide for anything these days
But that's a problem for another day
For now before I black out
I can just try and look for the few fleeting moments of happiness I have

So you drunken fools
Want to know the story of us
After what just happened
Yes yes remember the good times
The first time we met
The other first we had
Yes ask me to remember
And make my heart ache
You drunken fools
Why would you do this

when drunken dreams
become indistinguishable
from the sober reality
When the world is spinning
even when your mind is clean
when every cry of
I love you
just rings in your ears
barely even a whisper of a memory
When your thoughts turn dust to ash
and ash to dust
thats where you will be

nebious rubber skinned demons
haunting my dreams
eldritch casters of my fate
shape undefined
and vaguely human
they surronded me
and I knew I was asleep
And I couldnt wake up
and I couldn't fall asleep

You'd think with it being the first weekend
Of our college career
That more people would stay
But oh well
At least I can try and get closer
To the few that did
But that's not how that works is it?
Because I'm a disgusting **** up
Wow
Haven't called myself that in a while
Hope that means it's not starting back up again
Even if it is, it'll give me something to do
Huh?
Right right, I had a movie night
And it went great
A few people
One
Couldn't make it and she's all I wanted but
Oh well
If she was im sure we would have played the game
I try and talk she listens for a while
Then tries to ignore me
One misplaced joke
One comment a bit off
And the night of mental fortitude is ruined
Why wouldn't it be
I think being a loser in high school ****** me up for life
And the movie was pretty good

On the day I reached this milestone
I said I'd start looking to publish
But I was content knowing you were some of those views
And know that things are silent  between us
I can only care about you reading all these words again
And figuring out what I mean
when I write about you
I am tired already
But I know this is for the best
serious casual
I never knew what you meant by asking that
I wonder if I answered wrong
And thats why things happened the way they did

You are homesick
I'm sick of home
does that mean you'll hate me now?
did you hate me before?
Should i even care
i've never written about this
game theory
theory after ******* theory
i think everyone knows
they dont know the whole book
jokes on them its just the covers
there is nothing to read
i think everyone knows the covers
i couldn't tell you how i feel
really i couldn't
she makes me feel calm when she smiles
like its never going to be okay when she doesn't
you occupy my thoughts when your not there
im so worried for you
you are home sick
i never was one to believe in attachments
those two are unrelated
i dont think i like you
i think im attached to you
i think you calm the storm
i hate you for that
i hate you for making me like you
becuase im me
i hate me for not being able to tell you
i hate me for liking you
it never was your fault
its mine
its always mine
i just want you to be happy
thats a lie
i want to be happy with you
i cant remember the last time i held someones hand
no one has ever held me and said its going to be alright
no one has ever watched the stars at midnight with me
no one has inspired me more to write
no one has made me hate writing more
your special
i dont think you care for me at all

I never really had much luck with relationships
I think that stunted my growth
I only ever wrote find you
so that I could stop writing
every girl who looks at me is you
and I get so happy
I finally found you
but things always go south
and I realize i so wanted you to be the you I want
and that you aren't anything close to making me happy
all because I went to fast
all because I went to slow
all because I wanted to see you smile

As the morning comes
The tide of sleep finally washes over me
a respite from a long night
wether from todays trials
or yesterdays flashes
no one can say
slowly whittling down
friends and enemies
lack of pressure causes the blowhard to expand
fill the mold of the cage
cornered into the outline
freer than a bird
allowed the grave he dug himself
its his and his alone

Today I got to be the face of the world
Or at least my world anyway
And the world I left behind
Is crumbling without my presence
The gravity taking her away
And without her here to balance me
I feel as if I am going quite crazy
Why is my fuse so short
Why do I need to be alone all the time
When did I stop being happy

This is what this is like
Waking up in your arms
This is what this is like
Blacking out drinking
This is what it was like last night
Thinking I was dreaming
This is what I thought
Holding you close
This is what I needed
To keep the darkness at bay
This is what I always wanted
To feel you next to me
This is the life I worked for
The happiness I don't deserve

The air is saturated with an uneasy alliance
People stopped talking to everyone else
and everyone is splitting into groups
for better or worse
who is to say
The family is slowly falling apart
brothers against brothers
sisters against sisters
remember in the beginning?
when we all could stand each others company
yeah, maybe back then was full of heartbreak
but at least we could try and talk to fall in love
yeah, maybe we were all a little to fake back then
but that fear made us revealing ourselves so much more special
The family is slowly falling apart
And the ones like me are the only ones
Who dared to pick up the parts

Listen as grandpa never talks about the war
The stories he never wanted to tell
For a good reason
im sure this is why he hates my dad

hear the creaking of my grandmas hip
she couldn't even walk around the house
listen to here on the post surgery pain pills
rambling about the old days

hear my other grandma
recovering from chemo
she has a new lease on life
we all hope it wont come back

observe my uncle never being home
workaholic is just a word
but it slowly kills babies
growing up without fathers

listen to my sister
the immature brat
older than me
she's going to fail out of college

i never asked for these people
like so many other things i was born into it
we all have our vices
listen to me

Monday is the go getter, and nobody respects him for that

Tuesday is always on the verge of a nervous breakdown because no one likes her

Wednesday looks up to everybody else, and holds them together

Thursday is the responsible one that makes sure everyone is fed

Friday is never home, and is always drunk with Saturday

Saturday just goes with Friday to make sure he's okay

And Sunday dresses in all black, and then all white, becuase she doesn't know who she is

The ashen lunged women
misses me dearly
maybe thats why she drinks
that doesn't explain why she always has
maybe thats were i get it from

the gangrene encrusted man
misses me dearly
maybe thats why he calls so much
i feel so bad for him
i was the only friend he had

the curly haired hippy
misses me dearly
or at least i assume so
maybe he'll start writing more
i miss his words

the blonde kid in the mirror
misses me dearly
i haven't seen him in a while
maybe he'll show back up soon
i really hope so
its been so ******* long

I think this has to be some sort of test
everyone in the family has to do well
its idiotic to say
but our lives are decided by this test
(and every test from now)
but thats the price to pay for being in the family
the constant thrill of almost being kicked out
the nights spent reading, studying the details of life
how we are supposed to work
and the part that applies infinitely more to the real world
how we aren't supposed to live
that a grain of salt in the wrong place
can cause the happiest of people to **** themselves
that the smallest nerve out of place
ends the careers of gods
we are supposed to know how to help those unfortunate souls
whose luck has run out
we are so lucky to be able to help them
until our luck runs out

Green hates red

Because red never gets sick

At Christmas dinner

Red hates them all for nothing

But would be devastated if he lost any of them  

Purple things she is too good for them all

But has a soft spot for yellow

Yellow is always to busy playing with her plants

To pay any attention to orange  

Blue would love purple if he ever

learned to stop weeping and playing his music

Orange always feels like an

unwelcome guest even though he's the

life of the family  

White has a little bit of everybody in

her, which is why everybody goes to

her for advice

And black was the drunken father who

refused to believe that they were all

part of him

Our family get togethers

Everyone treats January like the baby of the family even though she's older and colder than December

February just wants April and May to fall in love and for everyone to stop screaming at eachother over the dinner table

March usually isn't home, and when he is he isn't gone before to long, off on an adventure

April can't admit she loves May, and tries to not cry anymore on front of the family (they all hear her at night though)

May loves April dearly, and comforts her in those dreary night but can't ever ask her to love him back

June is the the one who doesn't want anything to do with the family, thinking he's to cool for that and would rather be with his friends

July goes with June to make sure June will be okay and to make sure he doesn't forget his family

August and September are twins and August is the louder more sociable one that everyone thinks is the one in charge of the house

While September actually runs everything behind the scenes, with a soft spot for January, his precious daughter

October is the only one concerned with keeping the house from falling to the ground, and everyone really loves him for that and he loves them back

November is the mom of the family and makes sure everyone has had enough to eat, but she dreadfully worries about June whenever he leaves

December stays in the attic usually and doesn't talk much to the others, as she's very old. She's just glad her family remembers her enough to celebrate her every year

Words flow through this point like it was being fed by a vein
Each pump of this mechanical failure spilling them out
I use the finest tipped pens
to create such delicate lines
I am writing this on a legal pad
Sitting in the nurse's station
I write whatever I can
Wherever I can
This is written on the back of some notes I took on a patient
Who twist his words without even realizing
Just how caught up in himself he is
I see so much of myself in him
So much of a life I've been fighting to end
So obsessed with myself while hating the very idea of narcissism
Humble to show those I could be
I was nice, I was there, I was
Different
That was before though
Before college
Before friends
Before my liver became harder than I ever could after starting Prozac
I am so different than him now
But I have to wonder
Will I say the same thing about myself now
After a few years
Will I be writing this
Again?

Vague notions of rightness
Fill your bleating heart
As you fight the good fight
You feel your body breaking
And look to the sky
When you venture forward in the mind
Clouds and storms are your right and wrong
Mystic in no way but this
You are afraid of the sky
Because it is unknown

Freezing warmth
Radiates from a frigid
Rancid heat
Fearing a hot tubs
Final goodbye
Fetid whispers into the fallapon nights
Please
Please don't go
Feel cheap beer slide down
Your rapidly fanatical throat
Feigned cries of the frozen man
Echo in the night
Fostered cares of the forlorn it
Frantic jokes told
In the same fervent pitch of a
Forlorned lover screaming
Always screaming
Why is the ******* failure always screaming

Everybody hurts
Like in that johnny cash song
Everybody hurts
But no one wants to admit it
Pain and living are one
Breathing in
Glass shards
With every breath
Feel the needle
Pierce you skin
Get high get high
So you can be the cool kid on the block
Write away your youth
Your to ******* lazy to commit
To anything
Higher and higher
To the start

Snow falls for the first time this year
The cyclic rhythm, haphazard flurries on a windless night
I look out over the parking lot
My dark room behind me
A dark world ahead
A hundred ivory beetles
Descended from the ebony sky
All but one rest, one giving off a firefly’s staccato
Some music is playing
In a room eons ago
It’s so soft outside
Muffle me with your frozen embrace
The remnants of journeys cross the otherwise perfect concrete
Bare feet running running running
If you stomp down hard enough
Do you think your soul will be crushed
Freeze-dried and shipped across America?
I want this so badly to be a perfect image
But the cell phone tower
The highway
The golden arches
Things can be ignored
If you tell yourself they can be

Here we are once again
the prodigal ******* son returns
these days were over
weren't they?
surrounded by people
huddled up in a corner
wrapped in on myself
to get any heat I possibly could
out of this rapidly failing body
I've reached the point in my life
where I'm not sure if this side of me
or the happy side of me
is the real one
To anyone
the happy side should be the real one
When I am the happiest
sometimes I find myself wishing I was here
where I am right now
Sometimes I need to let the darkness in the light
take me away for a little bit

I have to fight the urge not to talk to you
You are back from visiting your parents
I want nothing more than to see how you are doing
But I won't
not after everything I discovered about me
not after everything that has happened
not after still wanting to see you after everything happened
especially not after that last one

Oh come now
let'
s turn the earth to earth
and the dust to dust
let 'us go then
let's experience the world
let's fly away somewhere nice
let's **** ourselves in med school
let's live to we can't live any more
let's listen to vinyl recordings of Bob Dylan
let's get drunk and high and get really sad
let's hold each other close and whisper its going to be alright
let's trust each other implicitly
let's talk to each other for once
a real talk

I wear a weighted vest
While I workout
Filled with everything I lost
Always a remembrance
Of what you pushed me to do
Always to better myself
It's full of iron
Because I was cold
It's full of iron
Because you attracted me
It's full of air
Because that's the only thing left
So I'll get up, add more weight
And I'll start walking again
I've been sitting far to long
I think I hear someone up ahead
Someone other than you

the yin days last forever
And the yang days are here to stay
Both sides of the coin
capatilism at its finest
The diners of America
Are filled with a sickened meal
That America will stuff
Their empty faces with
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
America is dead
And replaced with the living
And the new living
Think they are the old dead
And the artist generation
Has no artist
And dreams
Are no longer dreams
and liquor is never enough anymore
For the few
For the few
(Not that you are special)

Do you laugh at what I say
Simply because there is no longer
Anything to laugh at
Do you lock eyes with me
Simply because there is no longer
Anyone's eyes left
Do you secretly look at me
Simply because you know
I can see you
Will you break my heart
Simply because you can
When I see you next

I never knew you

As you walked away

Where did it go

I never stopped loving you

You never said goodbye

You were never here

My heart is replaced

A mechanically fashioned nightmare

Making up everyday life

Just to see how

Things could turn out

If I knew you

Allow the things that set you free
The drinks, the dreams, the people
Let them become your prison
Listen to the words of the rivers
The sayings of the trees
What does the wind whisper to you?
When was the last time you were alone
Free from every expectations barring your own
There was a whole world to see wasn't there?
Just you and me too see the world
New York to Australia
The definition of a city
The brink of the modern world
We where meant to be happy together
But neither of us were free from our expectations
Now that I've done everything we wanted
(it was always my idea wasn't it?)
I can't help but hope
That you are still around
when i get back from the brink

Drunk on the things that make life worth it
and maybe some alcohol too
you came into my life like a storm
and here is the eye
moments of clarity unclouded by you
make me remember who i was
how could i have been so sad all the time
how could i have forgot to live
you make me feel so alive
you brought me back from the brink

I'm addicted to gambling my happiness
And I've fallen in love with the idea of winning
I'm the gambler
I'm not very good
I always have the option to win
But it's never the win I want
I would be fine losing all the time
If I won one time
But let the chips fall
The table spin
Put a drink in my hand
Maybe tonight I'll win something  other than money
Maybe I'll win something worth it

nature is grey
The old ways are still here
And grey is the color we should see
But we hate ourselves
And can't get enough of our hatred
So we turned the world into black and white
And they hate everyone who isn't them
But we are all the same
We are al born
And we all die
Everything else that's in between is pointless
But people will still die for it
We hate living
We just want to let go

I can feel that part of me dying
The poet in me is leaving
These words a solemn record to what was
And to what always could have been
Say your goodbyes to the past
And begin to get nervous for tomorrow
The tears are gone
The will is gone
The blue period is gone
The time to live
Has finally arrived

All my friends have left me now
Turned towards their own destinies
We all knew this was coming
We all gave our last goodbyes
No words ever capable of showing how we felt
We shook hands and made plans
Promising to stay in touch and meet up soon
We all know we won't
We all know life's about to take us
So as we walked away we remembered our time
The late nights at the fields
The nights matching under the lights
The hours spent talking
The years spent living
All to be replaced by newer days
I left before everyone else didn't I?
Those days exploring a city
Excitedly running around campus
Thinking we were in love
All with new people
Now that all my old friends are gone
I regret every moment I tried to replace them
I regret never telling them what they meant
But more than anything else
I regret turning my back on the person they knew I could be