Keep on swiping right
On tinder tonight
You sad sack of ****
Something about
This not being about you
You sad sack of ****
Why do people always lie
In ways that people don't want to see

That's the difference between you and me
I will see what you don't
Not for lack of trying not to
But some of us where just meant
To be alone
least till sunrise
My lady of the mind
From the spaces inbetween the mirrors
Goodnight, my love
The smog covered the starts tonight
Goodnight

As the newly minted family of geese
swim along in front of me
Mother in front, Father in back
I really hope that they notice
the one they left behind
and I'm scared to think
that they already do

My hands are dry
Cracked from years of nothing
I just wanted to hold your hand
Map the world in your callouses
I'm lonely
And I think I need to admit that
I'm so ******* ready to admit it
If everything dies alone
Do we die by ourselves
Or de we do to be alone?
What does that mean to me...
Is living just a waiting time until we can be alone
Do the people that are never alone crave death
Do the people that never experience love
Cling to life
Perhaps to spite
Perhaps to hope

There’s a 4 chamber loaded gun in my chest
And with each two tone squeeze
It threatens to paint the town me
Beat after beat
It ends in an impotent whimper
A muzzled dog
Never catching the rabbit
It’s the fear we love
Hands clasped around our throats
Each thump a muscle twitch tighter
A race of air versus pleasure
Nooses of arteries and veins
Hanging from our own lifeblood
Swaying in the wind of each chambers misfire
Snub nose barrel chest
Each strike of the hammers on blanks
A beat against an ensnared drum
Fire clots through your spider web
Fulfill the destiny as the ticking time bomb
Be the weapon you were meant to be
A thousand gun salute
For the fallen soldier firing squad
Send your crimson rage deep into your host
Burst floods into your dependence
Fire blanks of misfortune
It only takes one to hit

The snow swirls around a cold room
Iron in my stomach
I'm burning up from the rotgut
Open a door to invite the flurries inside
Embrace my shivering limbs
Cool my throbbing stomach

Words come to me like spirits spilled across an ouija board
subliminally controlled and full of promises
we both know I can't keep
Whispers into the crimson contents of upturned bottles
Screamed into a porcelain bowl soon after
My body is dying
my organs are organizing a union against me
they demand water
less *****
maybe a walk around outside every once in a while
I find myself wrapped in a comforter of my own *******
I'm letting down my body
and so many other things
handed so many things
and failing to do anything with them
I'm a shell
I can't seriously think about anything
I can't seriously do anything
I have nothing left

He can't quite remember when he last slept well
Sure he gets a few precious hours a night
Fretful in all but action
They called him pensive today
He isn't really sure why that means something
Why that one comment made him feel so sad
He knows that it's getting late
Later than he normally goes
He knows he's probably too late
And not just for the night
He sighs, closing the blank screen
Always another night he says
Crawling into the bed, and turning of the lights
He doesn't realize that he is missing something
Something that would give him so much to write about

Red river lights flow
The tail-ends of conversation driving away
None of us really knew why we went to the roof
the parking garage always seemed to loom over us
we were all having a rough few weeks
we all got pretty sick
physically and not just mentally
we were felling better
so we took a walk
and so there we lay
staring off into the lights of the city
the others with me love each other
they sit next to me stealing glances
both to worried to talk about the past
too caught up in the present to know the future
we caught our breath on the roof
our worries were put on hold
as the blood light of the city
flowed on by

abiding the time I never had
Waiting for the tides to turn
In a war where I stopped fighting
In a place I stopped caring
High above the city
The weary vagabond sleeps
Waiting for his time to come
Day by day
Season by season
This wasn't the life he asked for
Wandering these halls instead
The worlds behind closed doors
We're supposed to be the concrete illusions
That he desperately needed
But the windows to the world
The real one this time
Are the only thing that he travels to

I was born a king
And became a pauper
I'm high again
Second time I remember
(First time never count do they?)
My roommate needs to shut up
There was something
I wanted to say
A word I forgot
A dull screaming telling me
Commanding me
To burn in hell
Like the fat **** I am

I have one thing I'd like to write
Something filled with such sweet words
A memorial to my one last ditch effort
That the old men would shake their heads and think
This really isn't something to talk about in good company
Something I wanted to say
Why does my right side always hurt when I'm high
Why does my right side hurt more now
My head is too heavy
And my eyelids feel the sand drawn to them

Self

Climbing those hills, those leviathan heroes from before our generations ancestors ancestors, great trodden clumps of clay and rock seemingly left their by a being greater than himself. Tell me, was it a purposeful throwing? Or was it a careless happenstance that those colossal titans were laid forever into the earth? Did those beings dream? Did they want to become those rolling hills? Were they held back by their own constructions? Were those ageless clusters of earth held back by the thin veils of confidence that plague us today? Are the trapped, as they are? Dreaming in that peaceful slumber right beneath our feet. Are their dreams imprisoned like ours? Do they illustrate the desire of their dreams on the paper thin walls they built? Do they scrawl I love you over and over just to see that someone could? Do those immortal pebbles wish to be human? Those leviathan heroes of old, dead and long forgotten, leaving behind the carcass of wonder and the sense of living through adventure.

And honey
Oh honey,
The songs on the radio
Are just your words in a different voice
And the wind tickling my skin
Is just your voice carried from so far
And the bitter coffee
The reason why I'm doing so well here
Is just your dark humor flowing out of the cup

And honey
Oh honey,
The pillows just don't feel the same without you
And these warm winter days
Seem just as cold without you in my arm
The nights seem just a bit darker
And the future a little bit less clear
Without you now

And honey
Oh honey,
The beating of my heart
Is just you whispering that is wasn't me
And the pain in my chest
Is you breaking the glass that resides there
And water ruining your mascara
Is just the mask you gave me
And the words flowing like the sweet taste of alcohol
Neither of us really want to remember do we?

Honey
Oh honey,
The car seat was as soft as your hand
And the wind in my face
Was being in your presence
And the headlights from other cars
Was your peircing glaze
And the cold in my heart
Was the last thing I have to remember you bye

Rocking back and forth
Feeling groovy all the way
Found the one
In my head
And going for it
Quit the drugs and *****
And still ain't sleeping well
But that's just normal
Going on and doing well
Sweat pouring from my brow
As hard work makes me happy
A man about to die of thirst
Found his oasis
It's all about living
And living well
Being happy
Because why not?
Because why not?

It's when the air left my lungs
And I had trouble bringing it back
Sitting in a room full of friends
Nearly passing out on the couch
And I actually didn't know
If I was going to wake up this time
Fighting for one more breath
I didn't want to die
Which is not a common thought
For someone like me
But more than that
I wanted to be happy
And when I felt one more breath fill
My weary lungs
I thought of all the little things
That I never got to do
That would have made me happy
And as the room swam around me
I realized that none of this things
Would have made me any happier
The only way to be happier
Is to just try and be happy
So goodbye
And thank you

Hype, hype, hype, the new news!
Don't you dare hit that snooze!
The world is forever moving on
If you don't catch up...
You'll be used like a pawn

But what a glorious new day!
All she had to do was say...
Yes, a new day, a new life
I swear to new god
I won't let this fall to strife

New is the world this time
A feeling that was sublime
As I look into your eyes
And as the window shatters
I look at where I kept the photo's frame

I don't know what to do anymore
I know I'm sorry
I didn't mean to throw up all my alcohol in your bathroom
and I certainly didn't want to miss the toilet
I have no idea how angry you are
I don't know why i feel the way i do about you
I think its just I met you before anyone else
and i got the idea in my stupid head
that maybe you'd feel the same way
that maybe I could not sit alone in my dorm on Saturday night
that maybe you would smile at me
and accept my quirkiness for what it is
but I never slept well
and now I'm in a nightmare

i don't need sympathetic looks
i don't need to be asked if i am alright
i don't need to drink my pain away
i don't need to sleep till i cant anymore
i just need you too talk to me
and then even the sun blinking out
the winds picking up the continents
would make everything not okay

Hold my hand as i fade away
not only from your memory
but from your very thoughts
that drove us together in the first place

And as I saw your eyes for the last time
I couldn't help but think of eons from now
and the significance of you eyes
to everything that is
and the insignificance of your eyes
to everything else

i dont want to do this anymore
i know that has multiple meanings
but i dont want to be here in college
surrounded by these people
i thought you could only drown in water
or depression
but you can drown in concrete too
people smothering you as you try and wake up
please wake up
i dont want to be in this nightmare anymore

I know you need this
The thinking part of me knows this
I think we both see how things would have ended if it wasn't for this
We just talked for the first time since we went on this break
A quick check in
and you said you really needed this
and I know you meant
that you can be better know
and in the future we can be happy
and I know you said that this wasn't my fault
that this is just how life goes
But my heart whispers in the night
If I was a better guy I'd still be able to talk to you
If I was strong enough to bear our collective pain
then I wouldn't be worried about all of this
At the end of the day
I am having trouble accepting that I just wasn't good enough
I'm never good enough

When you broke down
I saw it all
There wasn't a reason for it
At least none that we remember
There never is
Everything happens in the moment
The life never loved to its fullest
When you broke down
You saw it all
The creation of us
And the destruction of me
When you see the stars and the moon collide
Do you cry as much as you can
Or do you simply hold that image in your eyes
Letting it fuel your new found affection
Letting it reflect the lamp light in an almost dark room
Scaring the hell outta me
When I see them looking at me

It's the showers where you can't feel the water
It's the times when you don't know here the water is coming from
It's the times you stand dripping wet
Numb to the cold air
Numb to the winter
Numb to your feelings
It's the showers after the long nights
Letting the water flow across your skin
You don't know how long it's been
Christ what did she look like?
It's the showers were you can't get out
Where you are so tired you almost fall asleep
That's where you'll find me
If you ever came looking

The suns wavering faith
is the only thing stopping this night
crimson flurries of wind dancing
barely seen through the sheen of disbelief
I didn't ask for these thoughts
I want to live
I want to live and be happy
I want to write something that actually shows what I mean
I need to be a good writer
so I can show you what I need to show

Commodity. Is that all this is to me? Another way to show me that i can do something unique. That's all everything is, isn't it? Some way to say look at me look at me, I can write what people want to read! Whatever happened to being true to me?...me...me...who am I? Maybe that's the problem. I don't know who I want to be. Are you even supposed to want to be anyone? Are you supposed to want to be yourself? How's that possible, wanting to be yourself? You are yourself, only as long as you want to be I suppose.

I have to expand every thought I have
to come up with some way to hope for forgiveness
everyone will tell me its not a big deal
that it was a freshman party
there's always one kid who had to much to drink there
it wasn't supposed to be me
I was supposed to just have fun
but alcohol soothes the depression
I haven't drunk enough to not be melodramatic
I dont know what to do anymore

Its when you look in the mirror and dont see yourself
Its when your body never feels normal
I just wanted to go and be happy
I never knew that the world would do anything to stop me
Shackles made of the stuff of nightmares
Nightmares that no one fears anymore
hold me to the past and the future
but never the present

Moving in and moving out
college is turning into a blur of rooms
up a floor take a left
its always the same
down two straight ahead
I just needed the change you know?
You followed me from room to room
At least I hope you did
Things were never the same after this last move
I can't remember the last time you visited
Was it...
no, no of course not
I'll visit you tomorrow

I've committed so many sins
In my speck of a lifetime
I've lied, cheated, and used
My way to the top
And the war
To convince myself that it's okay
That I shouldn't feel bad
Is always going on
So to the strangers I meet
Who I ask did I do the right thing?
To my friends
Who I beg to answer am I a monster
And to the doctors
Who lay in their chairs taking notes and not judging
(Even if they always do)
I'm sorry for all the lies I told you
And al the half truths I muttered
But more than that
I'm sorry for the few I told the truth too

Morning breaks on the intrepid mourners
A constant flux between nothing
And the dark cocoon days
Wrapped in thick weave blankets
Hoping you'll come out different this time
They want to start you in on meds
You don't know how that will change you
You can't really remember the last time you knew something
For sure
In and out of different minds
A depersonalization of the body
Mind and body aren't the same
And alcohol fuels the disconnect
Showing that we are more than our bodies
We are the dust in the air
The remains of gods who killed themselves
I woke up from the dreams into a nightmare?
I don't think I ever really woke up at all
Alarm has been screaming for a while
I'm back
I whispered into the air
And I don't know for how long
And I know it won't last forever
And I can feel myself slip
But for now I am here

I'm done now,
In so many ways
Done with the depression
It's time to embrace the light
Done with the hiding
I am victorious
Done with the confidence
For I am me
Done with losing
Because I have been winning all along
I'm done with looking for you
Because you can't look for something that will happen naturally
But more than any of that,
I'm done writing
Not forever, never forever
But for now, it's time to stop writing about what could be
And start making it happen
This needs to be done
To all my readers, all my followers
Thank you for being there
To the friends, to the/b/rothers, to the strangers
You always made another day worth living
Thank you for everything
I love all of you

-I am no longer Blueflask71,
                                            Just call me Alex

im drunkj
i cant reaalys type well
i ******* thew up
all over the love of my lifes bathroom
i ******* hate her
i ******* hate living life like this
day to day
living on the glances you give me
i hate yiu so ******* much
i hate that you dressed up for tonight
i hate how im not good enough for you
i hate everything about you
oh god i need to make it up to you
i need you to know i hate and love you
i said it
i love you
becuase to me
you represent a way to being normal
i hate how you make me feel
i hate how im drunk
i hate how i onky drank to confess to you
but then i threw up
and now im sire everyone will hate me
im not sure if ill fix the spelling mistakes in this
*******
i need to sleep
i need to breath
i need water
i love you
i hate you
its always a sip away

and it was supposed to be better when i left?
i was supposed to go away and turn into a new man?
the man i wanted to be?
he died on move in day
the second i met everyone for the first time and sealed my fate
no im still the pathetic little dreamer i was back then
can i even call myself a dreamer?
i suppose i cant even now
im to old for that
didnt i want to grow older now?
an old man surrounded by young blood
im dying from the irony
honestly i am

At some point soon

Everyone will notice

That I stopped liking them

And that I forgot how to talk to them

That they **** me off to no end

That I can't wait to leave them

And I'm afraid, afraid

That I'll never meet people

As good as they were

And that burning these bridges

Is going to **** all of me

The more I think about it
The more you say it
The more certain I become
I need a break from here
I need to catch up on my sleep
I need to be alone
Go hiking too far in the woods
But more than anything else?
I need a break from you
I'm teetering so ******* bad
All the mental fortitude in the word means nothing when I look at you
But the I remember the empty looks
The humiliation you caused me
The grip you had on me
I'm not worried about you after all that
I'm just worried about you taking the people
I've come to care and respect
So please
I need to take a break from you
And I think you need one from me

in the concrete jungle
you never know when you can trust someone
here in the buildings
trust them enough to talk to them
the real buildings
talk to them about why it all hurts
in the empty buildings
friends are made
in the empty room
dreams are crushed
next to the empty couch
the sad life continues
in front of the great view
the sad life continues

I'm back
I whispered into the night
I'm home at last
I'm so happy to see all of you
Did I change?
Did you?
I missed all of you
No one was supposed to remember me
But you all did
No one could let these old bones dry
Only free in travel
I'm back home
With the friends I missed
The ones who know me
The monster I am
The monster I was
They know me
And I know them
Let's remember to whisper good bye
To each other
And pray it's not forever
I'll see you all soon
I'll say as I shut my door
And drive away
I'll see you soon

Why is it that after such amazing days

I have the worst dreams

Ones were I can dare to stand you

Ones were you look more beautiful than anything I've ever seen

Dreams were I can't function in that fake world

Because you were the world

So now that I'm awake

How do you expect me to function in the real one?

It's cold here on this log
In the middle of a forest
It always seems that way
Birds cackling to each other
I hear less now then I did
I hear water far away
Wether it's a raging river
Hell bent on changing its course
Or a softer creek
Trying to love the land back
I can not say
There's multiple paths in front of me
I'd like to think they all lead to the same place
But we all know they don't
It's beautiful here in the shade
The sun lighting up the canopies
It's brighter here than I remembered
There's so few prints on this path
I'm not sure which is worse
The lack of use
Or the large amount of trash
Nature, the sly dog she is
Will take care of it
I'm glad I came here
When the earth as it peace with me
I can be at peace with myself
And no matter what happens this time
I'll be ready to live again

cold stones line the ***** streets
everyone gone home for a drunken one night stand
leaving the intrepid hero to his own means
he stands, alone but free
chained by only his own creations
when did the hero die?
a thin shadow of the greatness he could have once been
the time for stories are over
its time for the hero to die

I've had to many people
get so ******* angry at me
for my depressed comments
thats the worst thing about me
i cant always hide my ugliest secrets
everyone looks at me and sees
the slightly overweight funny kid
but thats not me
thats never been me
but its the only thing i can do
that'll make people accept me
i need help
a silent call
is there a difference
between never saying anything
and saying anything but never listening

Wallowing in the same old self pity I promised I locked away
The same rough language from back then
flowing like the torrential thoughts
I used to swear that somewhere under all this water
I would find myself
I'd get a find every so often
a new suit I could wear for a while before it no longer fit
maybe it was the way it dried
maybe it was because it just wasn't me
I stopped looking for anything in the water
Even if I were to exist in those murky depths
I don't think I would ever find anything than some old suit to try on

I suppose this is what you signed up for
Going out with the depressed poet
although it certainly could never be your fault
no, not this time
sometimes accepting the truth is harder than living the lie
I cause you a lot of problems
long winded text at random times
always saying I'm not sure whats going on
I just feel like some part of me is constantly really sad
and then you are a good person
and you want to help
but me being the depressed poet
need more things to wright about
always and forever
and so therein lies my darkest confession
how many times did I cause you to be unhappy
just so I could perpetuate the lie that I believe
give me something to wright about
and like the urchin I am
I'll latch on and feed until I need something else
...
I'd like to say I've never done that
I don't think I've ever tried to do that
I'm worried I do it a lot
Sometimes I think I'm so fare out of control
that I can't really ever be sure of what I do



I just want this to stop
I just want to be happy

The cups falls
pouring the saved contents abound
another mess for someone else to clean up
I'm not sure what happened
more than the normal amount this time
I can't really say I know what to do
this is different than the last time
I didn't make it happen this time
Out of the fog the inky words crept
across the land
I don't know what to do at this point
I never know what to do at this point

I can't honestly say I know what to do now
I feel like I've woken from a dream
And I thought that what I was feeling was happiness
I'm stuck right now
In a state of grey amalgamation
Different parts of me fighting for control
But this was about you wasn't it
But I made this about me
And that's the only thing I know how to do
I don't know how to make you happy
I don't know how to make me happy
I'm sos sorry

1:30 on a Sunday night
That's when everyone found out the secrets about me
The lies I told
The ways I manipulated them

Look before I go to sleep and wake up back in the other me, I can feel him fighting me now, please you have to listen, I need to find you, I need to find you soon. I need to fall in love and have someone fall in love with me. I need to tell the truth and tell you all that I can't do this for much longer and that the things in my head are getting worse and I can already tell the other me is changing what I'm saying and please for the love of God, why God won't you help me, please I don't want to live like this, I can't live like this, I can't take this. I'm going to end up doing something stupid and I'm so afraid of what that might be. I'm so sorry Gavin. I'm sorry Andrew. I'm so sorry for admitting defeat. Oh god I need help. I can't recognize the man in my mirror. Why can't I remember what I look like? Why can't I just die and stop feeling so ******* sad. Why can't I just feel something please for the love of God please let me feel something other than anger. I'm sorry God, I'm so sorry for not believing in you, I'm sorry for all the people I hurt. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry

You all blend together
Later and later at night
All your faces melting into the void
I hate words like void
People read it and assume I'm a pretentious *******
Maybe I am
But the void is all around me
Drenched in my own failure
To even hold the conversation
Too caught up in my little persona
That I forgot to be a real person
I forgot to live again this year
And there is always next
I suppose
I feel like I'm running out of time to live
I'm young and stupid
I shouldn't feel the way I do
And that makes it so much worse

I think that at some point
in every artist career
(i suppose im an artist now)
they create the truest work they ever will
and everything feels not as right to them
those works were what they always strived for
i remember writing them
how could i not?
riding into new york
a bus full of strangers
in the pitch blackness of midnight
i took the last free breath of my life
and i staggered my way
across any paper i had
writing the only things
id ever be proud of

as the clock hands rolled
in time with the buses wheels
i looked at the strangers around me
some of which i knew since childhood
and i knew
that as long as i had this piece
everything would work out
and i could go on with my life
and never have to write another word

if only it was bright enough on that bus
to actually wright anything
other than abstract lines
representing the structures
of dead words epitaphs

so i write
trying to get a glimpse
of what i saw
that horribly seductive night
in a new york spring

I'd like to think
I thought about something
other than the radio station
in your funeral procession
I'd like to think
I was more worried about
the family you left behind
than my own **** problems
I'd like to think
That we can see you again
But I think its a bit to late
To say goodbye

the years carried on by
we lived the lie
these are the days of our lives
we started so young
and had our youth taken from us
now we are barely adults
and feel like old men
not in mind, but in body
and now we act like teenagers
not in body, but in the mind
we are to old to be immature
and to young to be this cynical
but it was supposed to all be worth it
but as we float in the pool
for hours on end
even the doctors we are now
that we were ******* over
and ******* and moaning
won't make the thought of her go away any faster

The sweating grinding masses
Cogs in the ineffectual machine that is society
To sober to get on
To drunk to not want to
This is what being human is all about right?
These constant need to go out there and have fun?
The urge to go and be whatever the ****
These people in the club are
These drunken animals
The sweating grinding masses?
These are the people I want to be
To cut loose and live and feel so alive
But I guess the next best thing
Is standing in the background
Writing these words