Here alone again
Different from last time
Getting back from just hanging out
Instead of hanging out just to get back
College has changed me
Perhaps too much
Maybe not enough
I wonder if anyone back home would recognize me
I winder if they ever think about me
Do they miss me? Those friends of mine
We promised that although we were going across the state
That we would never stop being friends
All of us and our promises
Like the soft sound of raindrops on the window
Slowly falling away, until they all collect
and then fall away all together

i don't need sympathetic looks
i don't need to be asked if i am alright
i don't need to drink my pain away
i don't need to sleep till i cant anymore
i just need you too talk to me
and then even the sun blinking out
the winds picking up the continents
would make everything not okay

Why is it that after such amazing days

I have the worst dreams

Ones were I can dare to stand you

Ones were you look more beautiful than anything I've ever seen

Dreams were I can't function in that fake world

Because you were the world

So now that I'm awake

How do you expect me to function in the real one?

The coffee is cold
Bitter flavors meet a ceramic dream
I can't remember if the coffee was bitter
or if it was supposed to get rid of the bitter taste in my mouth
an empty page in front of me
filled with everything I've spent today doing
this is cup number five
this isn't the New York apartment we dreamed of
this was never the life we dreamed it would be
but if we could see how our life would turn out
we would be miserable before we started
still, for all the ups and downs
I never once thought that my life would turn out like this

It's cold here on this log
In the middle of a forest
It always seems that way
Birds cackling to each other
I hear less now then I did
I hear water far away
Wether it's a raging river
Hell bent on changing its course
Or a softer creek
Trying to love the land back
I can not say
There's multiple paths in front of me
I'd like to think they all lead to the same place
But we all know they don't
It's beautiful here in the shade
The sun lighting up the canopies
It's brighter here than I remembered
There's so few prints on this path
I'm not sure which is worse
The lack of use
Or the large amount of trash
Nature, the sly dog she is
Will take care of it
I'm glad I came here
When the earth as it peace with me
I can be at peace with myself
And no matter what happens this time
I'll be ready to live again

Wasted afternoons
Spent wasted on the poor drugs
I just want freedom

Disappointment flows
From my eldridth mind like flies
Seething in the night

Dreams at night make it
So that I cannot wake up
And face my mistakes

So this is what you've come too
Sobbing in your bathroom
After getting into one to many fights
All because you think
That suffering can bring happiness
And you are miserable
Just so ******* miserable
That you feel like everyone else should be too
So that maybe someone can help you
But they can't
They won't
Because you are just to ******* miserable
And you ******* write these words
To remind you that you are miserable
That the only thing you've ever taken any pride in
Causes you to be miserable
All you want is to be happy?
Well then maybe you shouldn't be such a little *******

Maybe it's because I'm tired
Maybe it's because of you
I accidentaly called everyone
I met today your name
A nap with my book on my face
A goodnight to me
A goodnight back
But you aren't here right now
It's someone else
It usually is

I really try and write to find you
I guess my problem is I'm to impatient
everyday I wake up and I know
that today will be the day
it has to be the day
I'm running out of time
I need to find you
which is why I have my heart broken every time
Because I place too much in it
when someone looks me in the eye

Every thing we do has an opposite outcome that we push aside to do what we want. Sometimes we can't do what we want. Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and do things that are expected of us. Sometimes we have to give up our dreams of being free so that others can sleep soundly at night. Sometimes we have to make the best out of bad situations. Sometimes we just have hold pillows over our faces so nobody can hear us scream. Sometimes we get into crazy situations that we can all laugh about. Sometimes we get really angry at happy people. Sometimes we are those happy people. Sometimes we stay up to late so we can't think the next day. Sometimes we sleep to much so we can't be aware. Sometimes we feel more alive than ever. Sometimes we forget how to feel at all. Sometimes we forget that not everything is a choice. Sometimes we just need live.

find yourself in the space between birth and death
malignant sense of self
like a tumorous fold in your side
time and money
years and stocks
driving us to abandon ourselves
and drown in our collectiveness abandonment
But I think my problem is
I found someone else's sense of self
and viewing the world
through eyes that never really felt
like the belonged to me

It's never been about her
Or about who she is
she just represents a boat in the storm
one that will sink when I sink when i get in
So do I take us both
or do I swim away
what can i say to you
nothing for now
and thats never been alright
but on second thought
its just what i need

The suns wavering faith
is the only thing stopping this night
crimson flurries of wind dancing
barely seen through the sheen of disbelief
I didn't ask for these thoughts
I want to live
I want to live and be happy
I want to write something that actually shows what I mean
I need to be a good writer
so I can show you what I need to show

Vague notions of rightness
Fill your bleating heart
As you fight the good fight
You feel your body breaking
And look to the sky
When you venture forward in the mind
Clouds and storms are your right and wrong
Mystic in no way but this
You are afraid of the sky
Because it is unknown

Let the curtain fall
on this scene of our life
hear the audience clap the silence away
hear the people weep at such a performance
go back stage and put your face
back in its proper place
were the tears tears of joy or pity
did the audience clap at such a great performance
or at the fool  for thinking he was anything but
where you even in the audience
it was all for you

At the end of all the heartache
At the end of everyday
A man can only be defined by two things
How others see him
And how he sees the others
Many success stories come from this road
Seen like a god, and thinking like one as well
Many stories ending from the other
Seen like a person
Hated on the inside
Others hated by everyone
And hate themselves

I feel nothing. At the end of the bad days, I feel nothing. I am completely and utterly devoid of joy. I do not feel anything beside anger. A slow, seething anger. I want to feel something. Please just let me feel something

It’s a blank white slate with the entirety of human achievement inside of it
A way to talk to billions, to drown myself in enough entertainment to make me sick
It’s an echo chamber
It’s an echo chamber
Each night I scream into these walls
Beating myself into a vagus nerve induced frenzy
Slap these thighs and pull out wiry hair
Snap my fingers, my rough knuckles dancing as blows rain down
Like so many rainy days locked away
Seething meat blasted into oblivion
Because you have to do it don’t you?
Despite all the words
All the reassurances that you aren’t a liar
You want to do it
You want to think you want to do it
You are so confused
Cut the meat
Punch the beef
It’s an echo chamber
With occasional melodies belting out from underneath the door frame
Little moments when you collapse
No beauty in the death of the ugly ways
A cracked ceramic mask
Made by a kindergartner
Because I never learned how to paint my face
I never learned any language other than man
It’s not a matter of how I feel
It’s a matter of can I always feel this way
It’s a matter of whether or not I’m still riding on the echoes of a voice that only brings to mind the haziest of memories
It’s a matter of who looks back at me in this prison, this room
Who will greet me in my nightmares tonight?
Who will look back at me in the mirror?
When did those stop being two sides of the same coin?
I pound and beat and mash pale flesh against the steamed surface
Please, take me out of this two way hell
This two time place

i'm not sure if anyone has noticed yet
i never use the proper i
its's supposed to be I
i know that
i just don't think i denote a proper title like that
a nobody doesn't get an I
and thats okay
because when i become someone
i can be an I
maybe the first time you look me in the eye and i break the look
that'd be a nice way to become a person wouldn't it?

Can a leaf notice
That even though it's floating on a glass surface
The river will still flow
Does that leaf
Know that it's moving?
Nothing else is
To its eyes at least
Does the leaf think it's going with the flow
Even if the bank walkers
Are going so much faster
Does the leaf care about it's lot in life?
As long as it's with the others
Why would it?

Yes yes let's take a photo
Hold each other tight
Cheek to cheek
As a stranger we know more than each other
Smiles at the happy couple
Young love is too beautiful not too
Older than the dirt
Older than the sea
He feels her trembling
In fear or excitement, he doesn't know
She feels his heart stutter in step
From fear of the stranger
Or when she stopped recognizing the one next to her
She doesn't know
And as the photo is taken
The two walk away hand in hand
Not knowing the truth
That photos only reflect
What you tell them too

Sometimes I look out the window
Far our across this sprawling city
And I think maybe it'll all be alright
I wish more days were like today

You know

sometimes when everything is going really well

I like to turn of the computer, shut off my phone, and just look at my ceiling

I mean, these little times of introspection are what they know me for right?

You know that feeling when everything's going good so you do things to either make problems or make yourself sad?

What's that called? Oh yeah, I'm an ******* that's right.

So many problems that aren't real

So many friends that I use

I'm afraid to think, because I don't trust myself to stay on this good path

Maybe it'll all get better at college

I'm counting on it

But I guess what I'm trying to say is

Happiness to me is closer than ever before

But I'm afraid as is the nature of things that with every high comes a low

I'll just try and make people laugh, make music, and read more

I went two weeks with no bad thoughts

All in all I'm pretty happy with that

Write what you hear me say down
Listen to me speak
Read the words on the page
When can I become more than that?
When can I become the one behind the words?
When can I write what I wanted
Instead of what I needed to hear?

Its slowly growing colder
colder colder colder
middle of summer
cloudy skies are brewing
this is the unnatural cold
the kind not associated with living through death
but by dying through living
this is the cold that wipes out armies
before they even march
this is the cold that princes fear
the cold that only comes from within us
the reaper is watching
he knows we won't last
not in this weather

for the last time you said goodbye
you never told me what made your voice so odd
goodbye, you can't get rid of me that easily
but the joke died in the winter air
and it sounded not as warm as it should
you never did tell me just how much you were dying inside
and I never did tell you just how much I cared

Moving in and moving out
college is turning into a blur of rooms
up a floor take a left
its always the same
down two straight ahead
I just needed the change you know?
You followed me from room to room
At least I hope you did
Things were never the same after this last move
I can't remember the last time you visited
Was it...
no, no of course not
I'll visit you tomorrow

Commodity. Is that all this is to me? Another way to show me that i can do something unique. That's all everything is, isn't it? Some way to say look at me look at me, I can write what people want to read! Whatever happened to being true to me?...me...me...who am I? Maybe that's the problem. I don't know who I want to be. Are you even supposed to want to be anyone? Are you supposed to want to be yourself? How's that possible, wanting to be yourself? You are yourself, only as long as you want to be I suppose.

I've committed so many sins
In my speck of a lifetime
I've lied, cheated, and used
My way to the top
And the war
To convince myself that it's okay
That I shouldn't feel bad
Is always going on
So to the strangers I meet
Who I ask did I do the right thing?
To my friends
Who I beg to answer am I a monster
And to the doctors
Who lay in their chairs taking notes and not judging
(Even if they always do)
I'm sorry for all the lies I told you
And al the half truths I muttered
But more than that
I'm sorry for the few I told the truth too

i think the saddest part about this
is that you've inspired more writing than any of the others combined
and i think theres a sad beauty in that
you've broke my heart with every glance
and took it back with every smile
so what do you want from me?
because i'll do anything to see you smile
even if it means never seeing you again

Combine a volatile mixture of ego
And the ability to work just a little bit harder
And you get a generation
Of people who value what they can do
More than what they should do
Where stuff
Money
The ******* pieces of art hanging in the walls
Are more important
When you look a man in the eye
Than what you see looking back at you
Do you think you could **** a man?
Knowing you'd be saving him from so much
And shaming him to never be saved
Do you think you could still pull the trigger while he pleaded for you to stop?
Would you feel responsible for the rush of a will to live when take the gun away?
You *******
That wasn't supposed to be the way it was
Every single person I've met has told me
Part of growing up is accepting what you can't change
Well Mr. Full of **** and vinegar
You've done enough accepting for the both of us

Drinking doesn't usually cause dreams
But last night I couldn't wake up
And the dreams are still so crisp to me
That girl walking along the lake
With her nice little canon
We had a nice talk
About how hard it was
To capture the lakes beauty
I remember the bridge
And my hat flew off
And in the water were my friends
Old and new
All waving at me to join
I remember being thirsty
So thirsty
I couldn't stop drinking water
I was drowning in my dehydration
And when I woke up
I went and got a cup of water
And felt a little bit more alright

You are nervous now
You locked yourself in your room
A bad semester grade
Isn't the end of the world
But you shutting it out is
The life in your eyes
Slowly being replaced by panic
A raw overwhelming paranoia
Your eyes are still frightening
In the way a wild animal
Cornered into a cage
Looks at its attackers
And gives them it's all
So be careful now
For you are a wolf

Gone are the days of laying in bed

And here are the days of missing in it's stead

Fanciful thoughts still alive today

Open for the world, on a display

You Dream, are not forgotten

No, you fill my writers pen

Writing these words

That no one will hear

Even when they listen

As poor, poor Dream

Knows he isn't true

This shouldn't be happening again
These nights sobbing
The hours just staring off into space
The only difference this time
Everyone I'd ever turned too is gone
Sure, I could call them up
But it's 2:30 and I've lost touch with most of them
And it's all my ******* fault
I was only with them a few months ago
I thought I was so miserable back then
But I can only wish that someday I'm half as happy as I was back then
I don't think anyone of them would recognize me now
I'm a shell of my former self
I was a good person with them
Or at least I attempted to be
How would they recognize me
When j can't stand to forgive myself for my sins
Three months...
I've hurt, manipulated,and destroyed people
I can't get close to anyone
Not after what I've done to everyone
So I'll lay here
Home for the weekend when I easily click have stayed
Trying to hide my problems from my parents because they have more important things going on right now
Dead silent, as anyone I would go to
Anyone who would tell me that it's going to be okay
Is our living life
And forgot about the kid who tried to forgot about them

You know I think we all have crushed dreams. I'm almost done with my small town life, about to head to the city fir college. And in a bout of writing, it occurred to me that I'll never have that young stupid romance that teens have, the ones were you just spend all day talking and laughing with no care in the world. I'll never have her look at me with big smiling eyes as we slowly dance at homecoming. I'll never know what it's like to be one of any of my friends. I really just don't get it. Why does this one thing bother me so ******* much? That I can't find anybody. And now the more I write to some imaginary person I call you just to feel like maybe you will find this, I slowly begin sobbing and realize I'm still just a stupid little kid that had his dreams crushed. Is this feeling, this dry old cough, this stinging crying, is this what it's like to realize your dreams are shattered? This heavy weight on your chest knowing that you can't get back the lost time? That you’re running out of time with your friends and prom is around the corner and you can't live with yourself if you don't find a date. That soon you'll never see anybody that you know again? That now you have to grow up and go be an adult? I just wanted to be a normal high school student and fall in stupid love and experience going to parties and dances but no I sit at home or at night classes to make college better and I'm not even sure if I want to go there anymore but I know my parents would force me. I only have a little time and I can't do it all over again. And I spend my nights writing this ****** book for stupid reasons. Why can't I just turn my mind off and live

At some point soon

Everyone will notice

That I stopped liking them

And that I forgot how to talk to them

That they **** me off to no end

That I can't wait to leave them

And I'm afraid, afraid

That I'll never meet people

As good as they were

And that burning these bridges

Is going to **** all of me

and it was supposed to be better when i left?
i was supposed to go away and turn into a new man?
the man i wanted to be?
he died on move in day
the second i met everyone for the first time and sealed my fate
no im still the pathetic little dreamer i was back then
can i even call myself a dreamer?
i suppose i cant even now
im to old for that
didnt i want to grow older now?
an old man surrounded by young blood
im dying from the irony
honestly i am

We all stood there and watched
As some of our family failed
Were thrown out in front of us
Taken away from our loving arms
We watched in stunned silence
As they were led away
We...Christ we knew them
Knew they weren't bad people
But no one said take me instead
We ignored the roaring beating of our hearts
And pretended not feel them break
As our eyes were the only thing that betrayed us

I can feel that part of me dying
The poet in me is leaving
These words a solemn record to what was
And to what always could have been
Say your goodbyes to the past
And begin to get nervous for tomorrow
The tears are gone
The will is gone
The blue period is gone
The time to live
Has finally arrived

When did forever turn into a few more days
When did all our promises turn back into just words
When did we ever start loving each other
When did the sun rise seem a little less bright
When did the nights start getting a bit to long
When did we both realize we desperately love each other
When did we both forget who the other one was

Keeping me up at night
I can't get you out of my head
And how you use to laugh
At every ******* thing I said

feel your body turn to the cold
fold in upon itself
let the world swallow you whole
face the new streets of this new town
listen to the mirthful glee of the passive bystanders
the streets are still grey
the world still turns
live is still worth living
the world is a mixture of good and evil
and you just have to pick a side to be happy
i guess i'll talk to you tomorrow
thats really what i wanted to write about

The days are great
i'll say when they are
the nights not so much
morning seems to far
the days only seem that way
but the truth is
the nights are filled with restless awakeness
or dreams that are hit or miss
every moment around others is hell
and every moment away causes me to panic
i dreamed of you again last night
i woke up and never recovered, manic

I'm not sure if I want you to think about me
And the heartache associated with it
And the fondness for the future
Or if you shouldn't think about me at all
And focus on making the present better
But forgetting what we were
The only thing I know
Is that I didn't think I'd be this cold
On these warm winter days

Last night at night I had a broken dream

That you were only the shadow of the person

That I couldn't be. And though the sun had set

All those times ago, the shadow seemingly remains

As the night draws longer, forever on

The only hope I have

Is that today's new born sun

Will finally let me go

Today I got to be the face of the world
Or at least my world anyway
And the world I left behind
Is crumbling without my presence
The gravity taking her away
And without her here to balance me
I feel as if I am going quite crazy
Why is my fuse so short
Why do I need to be alone all the time
When did I stop being happy

Freezing warmth
Radiates from a frigid
Rancid heat
Fearing a hot tubs
Final goodbye
Fetid whispers into the fallapon nights
Please
Please don't go
Feel cheap beer slide down
Your rapidly fanatical throat
Feigned cries of the frozen man
Echo in the night
Fostered cares of the forlorn it
Frantic jokes told
In the same fervent pitch of a
Forlorned lover screaming
Always screaming
Why is the ******* failure always screaming

The cold air flows in from the door
While we huddle in little groups
Felling betrayed by our mutual need
To actually talk and feel
But that's hard isn't it?
We all are so ******* broken
But no one wants to fix themselves
Comfortable with a shattered image of who they once were
Dying broken
Laying broken
Shattered coffins fill the graveyards of our people
And I just wanted to have a nice dinner conversation
But it all went to ****

i thought when i left for college
i'd miss my friends the most
or maybe my parents
but what i spend my time missing
is my bed
i can completely relax all my muscles in my bed
i can write all i want without people seeing
i can scream into the mattress
and abuse the blankets
my bed made me feel like i could sleep
i haven't slept very well here
i miss you
my bed

I have to fight the urge not to talk to you
You are back from visiting your parents
I want nothing more than to see how you are doing
But I won't
not after everything I discovered about me
not after everything that has happened
not after still wanting to see you after everything happened
especially not after that last one