I'm withdrawing.
Running and hiding.
You'll see in time that it's for the best.
I'm at a standstill while time is constantly moving forward
Forward moving.
I can't pretend.
I need to stop before I'm in over my head.
I'd rather embrace the feeling of wanting to be dead.
The end is always inevitable.
I don't want to wait to find out.
I'm ending this here.
I'm ending this now.
I need a drink, but instead I'm gonna take a couple sleeping pills and drift into the abyss.
Far from words that sting egos.
Far from hands of time.
That only keep people at arms length
Safe from harm.
Safe harbor.
Safe haven.
Safe camp.

Turmoil.
The epic adventure begins.
Dead trees surround the sadness within.
Beauty is free.
Beauty is ******* free.
I'll never fall in love again, so you're just wasting your time.
Give up before you begin.
I am nothing.
I am flesh, and bone, and skin covered with scars.
My body is just a body
Use me, abuse me.
**** me, **** me up. **** me hard.
Make me ******* feel.
Make me numb.
Make me give up.
I already have.
Searching for a way out without the inevitable let down.
**** all of you.
******* all.
I don't give a **** about any one of you *****.
People are meaningless and forgettable, as are words and motions and ******* time.
Time.
Time is ******* precious and I've spent enough of it.
I'm spent.
I'm fading.
All I will ever be is a memory, if ever you even remember.
Will you remember me?
As time moves forward, memories get lost in translation.
Translating the name.
Translating sanity,
I am not sane.
I give up.
I'm pulling away, pushing closer to plan A.
I'm a fleeting thought.
I am human after all.
All those born will someday die, and die alone.
Nobody really gets anyone, nobody ******* understands.
I mean, they say they do, like they have you all figured out, but lying has come as second nature.
The ultimate lie being "I'm fine."
I'm fine, I'm ok, I'm breathing today.
I'm breathing today and I guess that's ok.
Conforming my inner self to live outwardly for others.
****.
Just give me hope.
A change of scenary.
A better thought process.
All I've ever known is dependency.
It's a shame. I preach peace, and clarity.
But really that's not me.
I am a distraught thought of past tragedy.
A tape on replay.
Half the time I'm naked, it's not you who's ******* me.

Why are women like god?
Creatures made of stardust.
Shining.
Brilliantly, radiant.
Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn.
I burn.
I burst.
I break.
Encompassing every part of my soul.
Feel the noise.
Feel the joys.
Feel me.
Touch every part of me I hide.
Reach your hands into my rib cage and grab hold of my heart.
I've always liked your art.
Words are often like fighting.
Fighting flighting demons within.
Yourself.
You.
Stand tall and be.
Believe.
Sometimes you don't need to see.
It's a feeling.
It's a feeling.
That feeling is me.
It's like hopelessness and hope.
On your worst days, you pray to just cope.
Everything is everything.
Everything is nothing.
It's all around us.
It's all around us.
Spinning worlds of wisdom
And truth.
The truth is.
The truth is a lie.
I'll live with my secrets until I die.
Open mouth, closed eyes.
Feel me.
Free me.
Seeing is believing.

Oh, my true north,
I will see you again.
I will love you
In another lifetime.
Your name will be forever on my lips.
And your kiss,
Your kiss will always be bliss.
There are pieces of you that live in every day.
There are parts of you that will always stay,
Even though you didn't.
And just know,
You'll always have a part of my soul.
You'll live in my heart forever and a day.
There is nothing on this earth that could take your memory away.
Like I said before;
If have turns to had, atleast we'll have that.
We have that,
Regardless of what we once had.

I don't think you know how hard it is for me.
Pretending.
Pretending like you mean nothing.
tears in my eyes
Waves and riptides.
On the surface,
Everything is alright.
Deep down
Deep down inside
I can't articulate the turbulence
Entwined.
Your soul and mine.
Flightless bird
Uplifting.
The sheer sound of your voice
Makes me drown.
Provoking emotion
I resolve to not have at all.
Don't you feel so ******* tall.
On the pedestal I put you on.
You'll never fall.
Leaves blow in the wind
And the trees start to die.
Such a beautiful sight
Still you're the only thing on my mind
Even in a sober light.
I'm tired of this fight.
Only you.
Only you.
How many times until we get this right?
It's ******.
You gave up.
You gave up.
Now all is lost.
Love doesn't exist.

I still talk about you,
And how you encompassed my soul.
And honestly, that feeling will never go away.
It will always be like the first day.
Your lips on mine,
In my father's hallway.
Can you honestly say
You don't remember?
I will always be passionately enthralled with you.
The push and pull of exotic enticement.
The deftones will always bring me back to your bed.
In catasaqua,
With the slushies ballroom dancing
And the old dude watching us **** in the back seat of my Plymouth acclaim.
Of tripping endlessly,
And the saying "beauty is free"
From staring at dead trees.
The bench,
And the roof.
Those feelings will always lead back to you.
I can honestly say,
I will ways love you.
It was so easy for you to say you don't love me,
But yet you instilled the fact that you'd be the only one who would.
I know now,
No matter what you say,
That I will love you more than anyone
Who will ever come your way.
I will love you,
Forever and always.

I felt like writing something deeper than anything before.
On a conversation.
Ode to your spirituality,
And the words you said, that resonate in my mind.
You know, the time that your on that couch, and your knees are being shoved apart.
And you're saying no.
And you're shutting down.
When it's done, repaint the picture.
Hug your abuser.
Saying "I forgive you"
And truly meaning it,
Is the hardest, but most priceless gift
That you could ever give yourself.
Because maybe you know the life your abuser has led may have been tragic.
Like getting screamed at, or locked in closets.
Or maybe they are just that.
Repaint the picture, and when the image is done replaying, say "I forgive you".
Open the door to the rest of your life.
To the newfound freedom those words actually allow.

Stop hiding.
Abiding.
You are not that person
In the back of your head
Telling you not to share,
not to care
YOU ARE NOT A ROBOT!
Don't hold yourself back
Ever
Because of the failures of
Others
Outsiders
Today is a new day
I acknowledge you
Trying.

What happens when you have a broken heart?
Does  it fill with blood and burst?
Does it bend to fit in the tiniest box,
locked up in your chest.
Entwined in your rib cage.
Does it pull to the left or to the right?
Does it hurt and ache?
Does it long or yearn?
Does it feel at all?
Is it an old familiar stabbing pain?
Is it dull or like roaring flames?
Is it hard to breathe or even to see?
Is it a panic attack, or just me?
It's a ******* explosion.
It's asking what ifs.
It's reflection.
It's the past.
It's a constant.
It's a constallation in the far out space.
It's the space between you and me.
It's a ******* monstrosity.
It's a game.
It's a mind ****.
It's a lie.
It's life.
It's love.

How did you,
How did you walk away so easily,
Out of the door
and into another's arms?
Just because,
Just because
I didn't dress trendy enough.
Just because I wasn't aware of pop culture up to your standards.
Was it ever even really love?
In those nine years was I ever enough?Please just tell me the truth.
Because I can't take the wondering
All the ******* time.
Losing time was enough.
I sit here and I try to be tough.
I try to hold it together.
Hold my composure.
Enough is enough.
I'll never be good enough.
And those times that you made me feel like
I could fly,
Were equally matched with times you made me feel like I wanted to die.
Why?
Why?
Why did you ever swoop in and try
To save me at 17?
Hopes lost.
It's hard enough.
It was hard enough.
Before your presence made it more rough.
I ******* give up.
I give up.
Deleted and blocked.
Deleted and blocked,
But you're still a ******* thought.

Music in your ears.
Music in your ears,
Freeing your fears.
Step out of the doubt.
Step out.
Step out of yourself
Holding you back.
Don't shed a single tear.
Don't let them see you cry.
Coping skills instilled
Since the age of nine.
All I want to do is take my time.
Time to breathe,
Time to see,
Time to be.
Beauty is ******* free.
It's all around you.
It's all around me.
Step back, open your eyes,
And believe.

You know what?
*******.
I may have liked your small ****.
But you're still a ******* *****.
Words speak volumes.
Or the lack thereof.
I hope you read this and ******* *****.
You're gonna read this ten years from now.
And remember how I swallowed your kids.
You're gonna remember how I rode your ****.
You're gonna remember how I let you eat my ****.
You're gonna remember the four hour long ****** sessions spent inside me.
And I hope it makes you think how though you got inside me, you never really got inside.
You never even knew me.
You saw what I show everybody.
And if you really think that you ******* mattered,
Well, I'm not a liar.
Because ten years from now
I'll still ******* taste you on my lips.
And spit out the word fool.
Because I am a paradoxal universe.
But fool is how I feel.
All those talks felt so surreal.
You knew I was ****** from day one,
So why did you **** me?
Or, rather, why did I let you?
Why did you ask for deep meaning things?
Are you in to mind fuckery?
I hate that I can't take back the parts of me that I gave you.
And my chest hurts from thinking about you all the ******* time.
Leave my mind.
I'll never get back that time.
You jumped off the roller coaster ride.
Before you even won the prize.
But that really comes as no surprise.
I guess it's a let down, thinking I saw a different side.
Seeing in different light.
Lessons are learned from everything hurtful we try to hide from our minds.
Just ******* stop already.
Because I can't move in halves.
I can't breathe in halves.
I can't be in halves.
I need a whole friendship, if anything.

Today is fire.
It's fire.
It's fire.
She burns like a thousand thorned roses.
Crashing downward to
Eternal hell fire.
Will you be my heroine?
Will you be my ******?
Make me dull and numb.
Make me lose myself in time.
Make me forget my name.
I exist only in memories that now a days
Black out and forget.
Black.
Everything is black.
And dark.
Feeling my way to the exit sign.
Big red letters.
Flashing lights.
It all comes around full circle.
To you.
And loss.
I can't remember my name.
I can't remember where I am.
Where are you?
The only ocean that could bring me to shore
Too bad I ******* drowned.
Blue lips, choking on words
Dead corpse, going limp.
Rigamortis.
I'm solid.
Solid.
Numb.
Dead.

A fluttering light is pulling me back inside.
My mind.
Soaring towards that great white light.
I'm dead inside.
I can't breathe.
I can't see.
Come inside me.
Dangerous cycle of a downward spiral.
No care in the world.
Running in circles.
Arms length,
Always.
Stay away.
Stray cat.
Birds of prey.
Soar high until you touch the light.
Try to free your mind.
Don't leave tonight.
This isn't right.
These codependent issues
Won't last in life.
Abandon your vice.
Use your voice
To say enough.
Used up.
Advances of people you don't even want to touch.
Wanting is a rush.
Always searching for that euphoric real love.
A word made up.
Body going numb.
Breathe deep.
Just keep breathing.
Sometimes I forget how to breathe.
Emotions taking leave.
Flightless bird,
Just sing me to sleep.
Pain killers to confine my endless dreams.
You're still all I see.
I don't want to know
I want to ******* grow.
Drink bleach to whiten the tainted dark presence your name has on my teeth.
I want to see rainbows when you suffocate me.
I want to glow.
Fly.
Soar.
I don't speak muted volumes.
I ******* roar.
I've earned my stripes.
I'm a lioness.
I prey on my own soul.
I have no heart.
These words are my art.
Making sense to the brain in my own head.
Disguising lines filled with dread.
Dispair disrupts duality.
Normality.
There's no such thing.
Life is but a dream.
It's a ******* dream.
Sometimes nightmares.
Seeing stars.
But we breathe because we have to.

Intoxication
Leads to skin on skin.
Embracing sobriety
Has me closed off
Once again.
There's that feeling.
Wondering.
Wondering
If this means anything.
Something
Nothing.
For what it's worth,
It means everything to me.
I know you see
When you look at me.
The longing in my eyes.
My body is a guarded temple.
And you're the only one with the key.
Knock knock knocking
But you're free to come in.

In the waves I've lost
Every trace of you.
Where are you?
Don't you see me drowning?
Inside I'm dying too.
I've lost you.
You.
The boat that always
Floated me to a steady shore.
To Solid ground.
Swimming through riptides
Is hard to do alone.
My lungs are suffocating
From the sound
The crashing
Of waves.
As I drown.
Down
Down
Down
I wash away.
I wash away
All trace.
Of you.

I'm tired of standing still.
There is only one way to go.
Forward moving with
One foot in front of the other.
This waiting game has become
A course of feeling
Unpleasant.
I resign myself from playing.
I hold myself higher these days.
I refuse to feel used.
I'm not here for your convenience.
To come and go as you choose.
Release me.
Release me.
From the hands that bind
The turns of time.
Let me be free of my mind.
I want my planted roots to grow like vines.
I want to shine.
Elevate into the sun soaked sky.
I want to fly.
Free.
Free.
I wear a crown, but it is rusted.
I see with eyes blurred.
I breathe shallow breaths.
I am but a glorious mess.
Broken to be strong like you.
Broken to not speak unless spoken to.
Broken to not show emotion.
All this is just a notion.
My eyes are blurred but not blind.
They are wide.
They are wide.
I see too much.
I say too much.
I do too much.
Everything just leads back to nothing.
Abandoned.
Abandoned.
You're leaving.
You left.
You're gone.
And still the hands of time remain.
And the words,
And the motions.
Of on letting go, and taking things slow.
"The poems you write are supposed to flow."
"Read this, write like that."
"Don't be foolish."
"Don't combat."
"Unless it's combat boots, because that's rad"
Well, all I have to say is
**** that.
But yeah, combat boots ARE rad.

Finger on the trigger
Freedom, run, or?
Is there another option?
Before I turn to drugs to solve my problems.
**** the noise with the bullet
Playing Russian roulette.
As if that will solve it.
The solution is clear.
Save yourself from inevitable fear.
Every time I close my eyes.
I despise myself.
Check myself, before I wreck myself.
Truth is I don't give a **** about no one else.
You think it's easy to see the things I see?
Ptsd, and i haven't even served a war in another country.
Nah, I just get ****** in my dreams.
Waking up, holding back my screams.
Endless cycle looking for a way out.
How the **** do I end this now?
In too deep, no way to sleep.
Pray for life, my soul to keep.
Stepping on these stones, one foot in front of the other I'm like a drone.
The light will surely guide me home.

Unbridled burning red.
Eyes.
Come what may.
Save these feelings for another day.
Maybe I should learn to pray.
Pray to a god I don't believe in.
Pray for peace and
And.
Just to keep breathing.
Shallow.
Beating.
Numb.
I'm not cold.
On fire, hot like the sun.
Rays, rays shine from that great white light.
Is this what it's like to burn?
Run, run, run.
From the trigger of a gun.
Bang, bang, bang.
The big bad wolf is at it again.
And I'm still seeing blue.
Dark blue in a grey hued room.
I'm still seeing you.
Take off the masks that the monsters wear, and you'll see,
You'll ******* see,
They are but human, too.
And we all falter, and we all fail.
To choose, over choice.
Choosing life?
Soul on soul,
Uplifting.
Forgiving.
Forgive me for my sins.
Do unto yourself as what's been brought out by them.
By them.
By men.
**** what you thought was true.
**** everything you believe in.
*******.
*******.
*******.
The opposite of what you know is also true.
**** the end and begin again.
This is not a replayed tape.
This is this.
Just what it is.
Just let it be.
It is what it is.
Believe, believe.
Free falling.
Free your mind, and you'll find me.
Please just say I'll stay in your memory.
And when the wind blows,
You'll feel me.
Lost and found.
Lost.
But you have me.
And if have turns to had, atleast we'll have that.
A piece of me will always live in you.

Waves.
Waves.
In my ocean,
Keep a steady motion.
Don't stop flowing.
Recite the words that constantly
Bring me back to a solid shore.
No more.
No more
Wishful thinking.
Thinking has me feeling once again.
Feelings and I don't agree.
I do decree .
I solemnly sware.
My heart will never again be bare.
Fight through the baracades.
Get splinters by thorns.
Devilish horns.
And a snicker unmatched.
Attract.
Attract sin.
Skin on skin.
Thinking had me feeling to let you in.
I'm ******.

Down.
Down.
Down.
Into the rabbit hole.
You'll never find your soul.
You'll never be the other half of a whole.
Advances of disadvantages.
Disregarded deep rooted feelings.
You never ******* knew me.
Evading sleep patterns.
Dark dreams.
Twisting and turning.
**** me.
I'm ******.
Last hug.
Last love.
Last trust.
**** lust.
A future of failure.
Suspending disbelief.
Eyes wide,
But I can not see.
It's dark in the color patterns.
Of different bags.
Landslide.
Cliff hang.
Drop to your knees and ******* beg.
Filling voids with flesh.
Surrenity in superstition.
Arms length,
Never breaking the surface.
Surface scars.
Surface bruises.
Bruised egos.
The truth loses.
Always ******* losing.

I'm falling into the same patterns
Again.
Not making a sound.
Of sacrificing feelings
Just to keep them around.
When will I escape the bond
My heavy head holds
On my vast heart.
Continuous lessons
In the dark.
*******.
I'm going back to the start.
You'll never penetrate
The concrete walls
Of this castle I've built.
It might be time to say
Goodbye.
Before you give me the chance
To even say
Hello.
Because starting is always easier
Than letting go.
You left as fast as you came.
Maybe I'm just pushing you away.
Stuck in a stagnant life
Entitled hope.
Hope for the best
But inevitably
Expect the worst.
Is that how it goes?
When will I meet the end of my rope?
I climb.
I'm climbing.
Up and up,
But
It feels like I'm constantly falling.
I'm driving down a one way road,
Swirving through oncoming traffic.
Constantly hitting brick walls,
When I feel like a ghost.
I should be able to travel through space and time, without touching anything,
Right?
It's morning again.
And I find myself asking
If you even remember my name?
Because, again, I can't remember anything.
Wake up
And take a sip.
Take a ****.
Go to work.
Puke your guts.
Repeat.
Repetitive
Relapses.
And you have the power to change.
But it's your choice to stay.
And I can't begin
To let you in
With the exit music
Always playing in the background.

I like that sad slow jazz.
With the trumpets
and the sax.
It reminds me how to feel
And live
And die
All at once.
It moves mountains in my soul
And makes my eyes rain
Rainbows.
It's like seeing color
in black and white
All the while freeing
My soul.
It sets me on fire
Yet puts out the flame.
Yeah, I like that sad
That sad slow jazz.
That whirlwind
Buzzing
Flying
Flight of a sound.
That melody and harmony
That strength
And sorrow.
Oh I like,
I like that sad slow jazz
It reminds me
Of love.

He never wanted me for me, he just wanted me for the come stains on his sheets.
To get inside me deep.
To **** me in my sleep and invade my endless dreams.
I believed all the endless words,
Lies told to undress my soul.
I let him in, which was my biggest mistake.
Concrete castle, I'll never open the gates.
The other half of my brain screams
You're not the reason or the rhyme.
The line or the quote.
You're every ******* word, every letter, all the signs.
Tame tame tame, sweet lioness.
Hold on, just wait. Wait for forever if that's what it takes.
But see, I've spent lifetimes waiting in the past. Holding myself back.
So one day I vowed, come what may.
Take everything in stride, never ever abide.
Alway ******* hide.
Just hide it away.
All the ******* pain.
Until it just ceases to exist.
I don't exist.
I'm fools gold
Sweet wrapped delicate flower.
But I'll be sure to give you cavities and make your teeth fall out.
You'll eat too much.
Too fast.
Never stopping to brush your teeth and think.
Never stopping to look in the mirror and ask yourself who do I see?
Because you'll start not to see anything, anyone, but me.
I'll invade your lungs like cancerous cigarette smoke.
Every inhaled word with danger between your lips.
Your body will rot from my touch, or lack there of.
You'll get sick and shake, have to take cold showers just to think.
At the same time not having a thought in your head.
All the signs read caution:
But you just can't help to dive right into inevitable destruction.
Your mind reads need. Need. NEED.
And by that point mines only on flee.
My disappearing act is second nature.
Now you see me, now you dont.

Though the perception is to live free,
That whole picture perfect life is always embedded. Instilled in all of us from birth.
Work, ******* work, and strive to do that family frenzy, nice house, nice car *******. **** the normalities of society. **** being. Sometimes just to breathe, to exist, to live, all of the above is a blessing. Sometimes it's a savior for yourself, but most times it's just a form of conformity for others. We are all ******* robots, one foot in front of the other, sir. March, march, march. Is it April yet? Have I made it yet? Another year of being the least successful person, the woah is me, the pitty party. Stop looking at me. Stop ******* looking at me with those eyes that tare up my insides. Stop feeling. Stop the noise. Just stop. Just stop. Oh yay! Another birthday soon to pass. Another year to conform to the systematic resemblance of what a family is supposed to be.

I just want you to wrap me up in your arms.
Tell me everything will be alright.
You're the only voice that calms the war in my mind.
Why didn't you fight?
I was growing stronger.
And you took flight.
Destroying the most guarded part.
My heart.
I'm a tin man
In a wizard of Oz.
Please just let me find the man behind the curtain.
Something to believe in.
I need a new *****.
I need to be able to breathe again.
How much more time will have to be wasted?
On letting go.
On the downfall.
I just want to stand tall.
But I cant.
You will always be the other half of my whole.
Soul on soul.
So much more than anything I've ever known.
But I know nothing.
Was that even a true life feeling?
What is real?
How do you deal?
Washing my life down a drain
Seems easier than dealing with all this ******* pain.
I gave up before.
And I'll do it again.
And again.
And again.
And again.

The blackness of everything
Falls away.
Decay
Decaying.
No looking back.
You should have stayed.
Naked.
Bare.
Strip down to your nonexistent
Underware.
Flesh only lasts til the sun comes up.
Stare into my eyes
And you'll find
Nothing.
Emptiness consumes me
From the inside
Out.
Get out of my mind.
I'm ******* dead
Inside.
If only I had the strength
To take my life.
I would.
In a heartbeat.
A moment in time.
No thoughts resonate
Don't hesitste.
Just *******.
Break my ******* spine.
You'll always be mine.
Suffocate me.
Make me beg.
Make me feel.
More.
I feel nothing
All of the time.
Hurt me.
Make me rhyme.
The rythmic
Movement of
Two bodies entwined.
The darkness inside.
The black hole of life.
**** feeling.
Always stuck
Repeating time.
Fast forward
And stop.
Or just pause
On replay.
Why didn't you stay?
Why the **** didn't you stay?
I give up.

I took four pills in hopes I'd sink, and then took four more to **** this sting.
The ache in my chest isn't going away. I'm not fading into my bed like the usual haze.
Have I built up that much of a tolerance?
I think I need something stronger than this.
My medicine is running out and surely without it I will die.
But I've been told before that you can't die from anxiety or panic attacks.
I think that's a lie.
Because when the things I can't control come rushing in, my heartstrings rip, tear, and break.
And I know for a fact that you can die from that.
Loss of breath, loss of air, loss of oxygen.
Just sum up everything to loss.
What stage am I on?
I think there are five, but every single one I go through I think that I'll decay.
It's like a constant circle of words on replay.
Those words that affect me and hinder my day.
Regressing is not a good feeling.
Remembering is not a good feeling.
Feeling is not a good ******* feeling.
Can't I just go back to being numb?
Can't I just go back to before you lit me up with your sun.
Light shines on a corner in the room.
Bodies entwine.
But this is not a cure or a solvant for what's happening inside.
You say you're not like the rest,
But I can't help but feel like I'm the cause of this mess.
I enter lives and then they end up destroyed.
I am a walking breathing shock wave of feelings.
And everything leads back to leaving.
Run, run, run.
Be sure not to play with guns.
Or knives.
Sharp objects have to be hidden from sight.
I dare you to speak your mind.
You are confined to four walls, getting shots just to conform inside.
God forbid you have a thought in your own head.
God forbid you actually speak. But speaking reality just turns into screaming.
And then it's a battle of whits and fists.
Fighting the knots tied to your wrists.
Thrashing in a cold bed, four white walls closing in.
Please, please, please don't touch me again.
Please, I'll conform, I'll take your stupid pills, I'll pretend like I'm normal. I'll shut up and fall in line, I'll take the shot right into my spine.
I'll go limp, and fade away.
And then will come another day.
But tomorrow, don't worry, I'll have nothing to say.
I've learned my lesson I promise. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of this.
This is substance.
Sustanance.
This is my soul leaving my body.
This is me losing time.
I guess somewhere inside, though, there is still a fight to shine.

Peace, hope and love.
But always remember that beauty is free.
****, I sound like a hippie,
And I don't even smoke ****.
Labels are stupid though.
Do all hippies even smoke ****?
Whatever, I'm just me.
And honestly, that's all I can be.
I have ears that listen
And a mouth that speaks.
A mind that rarely shuts off.
Eyes wide open
And a heart full of love.
I think the combination may be deadly to one's soul.
Because in all honestly, if ever you have the privilege to know me.
To really know me.
You'll always feel like you're missing something when you don't anymore.
When you don't have me.
I feel at times I give pieces of myself to people that I will never get back.
But it's not a loss of my pieces.
It's a gain to touch lives.
I'll always stay inside.
You.
You'll never be able to forget me.
Even if you try.

I wanna use the words you wrote
To describe how I feel.
So ******* empty.
Useless.
Depeche Mode is relevant.
I'm a bursting baloon
Helium.
Read between the lines.
You'll never find
The answers that define me.
My definition is lost.
I'm floating in space.
Never found
No trace
Resistance of everything
With a ******* straight face.
We own the sky.
Created from stardust,
Time goes by.
And by.
This is goodbye.
This is goodbye.

Why?
Why?
The timing is all wrong.
You should have left me nine plus years ago,
When I didn't know who I was.
If I was straight
Or gay
Or just me.
You should have left me when I found comfort in the arms of tragedy
And alcohol.
Men and women.
Downward spiraling to
Self destruction.
Yet you waited
You waited to tare me down
And make me feel every ounce of pain that I put you through.
Not in actions
But words are far worse.
Because you told me that you love me
And made me believe it
And your arms were the only ones I wanted
But it took me years to truly open myself up to you.
To break down all of the walls I put up
To stop subconsciously destroying Myself
Destroying you in the process.
Not knowing that the whole time
You were the one who was going to inevitably destroy me.
Nine years.
And all the smiles
And tears
And ****** up words
And break ups
And make ups
And above all,
Love.
After all that ******* feeling
Poured into three words.
After I fully gave
My entire self
My entire being
To you.
You woke up one day
And decided
That you just don't love me
Anymore.
And I broke into
A million little pieces
And in every piece
I wonder
If you ever
Ever even
Loved me
At all.

I guess it's time to start writing again about tragedy.
Like the fact that my love life is lacking.
Pretty ******* tragic.
I'm missing the magic.
The spark.
Skin on skin.
Tongues twist.
Firm hands on my small wrists.
Is it really that weird to like small *****?
I don't even know how to write this.
I guess plain and simply stating,
I need to get laid.
Toys don't do the trick to rattle my cage.
I like the seductive tugging on my heartstrings.
I like trying new things.
Asphyxiation isn't new,
But I like that too.
Slow, sensual, passionately poetic flowing.
Or rough and tough, break walls and stuff kind of *******.
Ever growing.
Ever changing.
Breathing in sweaty skin.
I like that kind of
Comfortable sin.

Your eyes shine
Like the sun
When you look at me.
The twinkle in your eye pierces my soul.
I hope this is love and not lust.
I hope that I trust and not run.
My eyes shine
Like the sun
When I look at you.
I see into your beautiful soul.
Your strength is impeccable.
Encouraging.
Your touch
Your kiss
Is my savior
You
Save me.

I'm writing this now, at this present moment in time, on the fly.
A million thoughts rushing through my mind.
I had a plan to do things today, that obviously didn't get done.
I took my dog out and noticed the sun.
So I pulled my hood up, and when he was done I just came right back in.
I did, however, take notice to the passing of cars and my delusional mind just hoped that you'd be in one.
That you'd feel my presence dying.
I couldn't help but look down each time, because I spent the night crying and I don't like being noticed when my eyes are shining.
Rescue me.
The thoughts I have are drowning me.
I've got myself, and a throne I've built inside a castle of ******* thorns.
Keeping everyone that tries to get close held back by my bull horns.
My difficulties, and particularity.
My drinking problem that Im trying to acknowledge as an actual problem.
I have a diagnosis, a long one at that, but I don't like to be defined by it.
I don't like to let it hold me back.
I guess if all I have for myself is to say that hey, I'm breathing today, then that should make the day okay.
But today, I'm suffocating on my sadness.
Asphyxiating thoughts are keeping me from steady breaths and it's hard to just be.
I need some ******* sleep.
It's been two days of trying.
I don't like the feeling of flying.
Dozing off feeling like I'm free falling has hindered my eyes from staying shut.
It's taking a toll.
Enough is enough.
When will this weakness stop?
Why is there a line between need and want?
Ive never wanted anything more than for someone to just walk through my door.
Presence provokes persistence.
Pull through, keep pushing.

Let's dance on the past
For awhile.
For the night.
Thinking about things
That just aren't right.
She's your favorite person cuz
She ****** you right?
Unbenounst to you,
She's the love of my life.
And *******,
I don't even know why.
My ******* soul is entwined.
I just wanna stop the noise.
There is no such thing as joy
Or hope.
My neck is tied,
Hung from a rope.
I like to choke.
On words
Both said and
Unread
Snort some **** to escape the inevitable end.
Oh yeah, let's just ******* pretend.
Pretend real emotions mean nothing in the end.

You think.
You think that you are in my thoughts.
Why do you have to have to have such a big head
To think that you are on my mind.
To even think that I'd waste my time.
You're not that important, really.
You don't invade my insides like you think you do.
Actually, I used to gag every time I went down on you.
But hey, have fun with the fact that when you ate my ****, you ate some guys **** too.
How does it feel to be used?
How does it feel to be knocked down off your pedestal?
Let that sink in, let it resonate for a bit.
And if you need me to make it clear,
It's simple,
I **** ****.
Do you even wanna know how many people came before you?
What did you expect?
I guess now you're finally able to understand blackouts and regret.
Have fun with that.
While you spiral downward,
I'm flying to the highest of highs.
I can honestly say,
I ******* love my life.

I wanted to say this now, because I'm ****** up on pills.
That I'm destroying my life.
Wasting my time.
And the words that you said to me still resonate in my mind.
I feel the blame is steady, on my shoulders.
I hold the weight of the world like heavy boulders.
Screams come out with no sound.
And every resemblance of a word that makes it out through my lips is just your name.
I am bound.
I am tied to the years spent thinking this could last.
I am confined to the jewelry and shoes.
Almost leading us to an altar. Almost saying "I do."
The foundation was cracked from the begining so we packed concrete into the holes hoping we could make this house a home.
But the wind blew.
And the tornado came with rays of sun.
Taking you with the four steady walls I built my life upon.
Along with the words I love you.
Because that day the tornado came and went, love died and the rain washed away any resemblance of a home.
Now I find myself homeless and alone.
And I guess I can't help but to believe what you said, that no one will ever love me more than you did.
You instilled it in me with words enforced by a song and songs.
I think it was just to make sure I'd stay numb.
And I think what hurts the most is the fact that you took flight the second you noticed me becoming strong.
I built myself up and then you were gone.

I guess triggers are a real thing.
Causing people to remember sheer pain.
It's hard not knowing.
Letting it all in.
Succombing to
Overcoming.
I breathe closer
To clarity.
If only
If only
My heart would stop beating.
If only my chest would stop aching.
If only the tape would stop replaying.
Decaying in a life coffin.
Six feet down.
Still I wear a crown
Of rust.
Picking up the pieces.
Brushing off the dust.
Inching towards the gratification of a name.
Nothings the same.
Ever since that day.
Forcefully taken away.
Gone.
Gone.
In a ******* whirlwind.
A tornado of feelings.
I don't ******* fit in.
I'm a rare breed
You'll never ******* know me.
Emotions exist to people who feel
And I don't feel a ******* thing.

Some drink to remember.
I drink to forget.
To forget the unforgettable.
The words you said.
"No one will ever love you as much as I do."
But there is no truth in lies.
The truth is found in someone's eyes.
Telling a depth of stories.
One tries to hide.
Hide from your mind
Drift away.
Into the abyss.
Down the rabbit hole.
You'll never find your soul.
But somewhere in the darkest parts
That you try to hide,
You might find me.
Too bad it will be too late.
You will regret the choices you make.
Don't ever look back.
Run from your mistakes.
**** the replaying of tapes.
Begin again.
Rewrite a future life.
No looking back.
Don't relapse.
It's ok to ******* collapse.
Fall to the floor and scream.
Your past is only but a dream.
It's just a dream.
It's just a ******* dream.
Wake up!
Wake the **** up!
Wake up and see.
See me.
Going blind.
You're going blind again.
But memories don't last forever.
Apparently they only last as long as it takes to put your clothes back on.
Existance is a ******* joke.

Hope's love lost.
The weight of the universe.
In a four letter word.
Words are meaningless.
Eyes bare the soul.
Eyes lie in depths.
Deeper feeling,
Deeper regrets.
Killing noise
With substance.
Solitary confinement.
Vines bind us.
Taring deep into wrists.
Leaving a plethora
Of white slits.
Unwanted.
Thrown out.
I'm a black plastic trash bag.
Filled with red solo cups.
A whisky lullaby
On display.
Wax paper escape.
Goodbye,
Adios.
Falling down the rabbit hole.

Shoved against a wall,
hands entwined
Overhead with mine.
Two souls slow dancing.
Slowing time.
Your body against mine.
Flightless bird,
Just make a sound.
Bound to memories
Bring me down.
Down to earth.
Where I can breathe
At a steady pace.
Plant my two feet in one place.
Forward moving.
A revolving door
With no exit sign.
You helped me shine,
If only for an instance
Before snuffing out the fire.
The flame in my heart is dying.
The wax is melting
And the concave
Of my chest,
Hollow it be
It will not rest.
Still it beats.
A steady rythm,
Ruthless and untimed.

So yeah, I write a lot of sad ****.
But this one isn't going to be.
This is going to be my future life.
Of writing books, that get sold over seas.
Of all the amazing souls I have yet to meet.
Of all the people who are going to travel just to hear me read.
Of all the various feelings my words provoke.
Because honestly, if I've ever made you feel a ******* thing from reading what I write, then my purpose is complete.
I want to touch lives.
I want to make your darkest days feel alive.
As well as make you wonder why your happy at all.
Or what happiness even is.
I want to make you question everything,
As well as believe that there are more than one or two ways of thinking.
And for the record, **** silence.
Because I'll always be on the cusp of Aries and Taurus.
And I'll never quite know how to keep my mouth shut.
And for the record, I like how even that statement can be misconstrued to form a negative opinion of me.
But that's what I love.
To rattle the cages of one's heart.
To battle the most serious of thoughts.
To write words provoked by others, but mostly about myself.
And I guess when reading my stuff, in life, you should know that sometimes I write to myself, and that you may not mean you, and your may mean my or I.
Regardless of this wordplay twist, the words I write will make you think.
And with that said, my job is complete.

There's a fire.
A fire.
I'm my chest.
An ache.
A burning fuckng disaster.
And I search.
I'm searching.
For some water,
Eveeywhere.
Just to put out this flame,
But I can't find any
Anywhere.
So I start to drink liquor,
As if that will be a cure.
Anything to make this fire go away.
And the fire in my heart is your love.
******* burning.
Suffocating my lungs with
Black smoke.
I'm not choking this time.
I'm not going ro falter.
I'm. Not going to fail.
I'm gonna climb up that ******* cliff
And dive into a deep ocean.
Submerse myself
Extinguish myself.
The flame in my heart
Will be forced to subside.
The flame in my heart
Once refused,
Will die.

This feeling is so overwhelming.
I don't know how to tell if it is real,
Or just another convoluted idea
A delusional thought in my head.
I want so badly to say those three
Pulsatingly powerful words
To you.
My sun, my moon.
But I feel as though it may be too soon.
You bring light to my darkness
You make stars collide inside
Your energy makes me feel alive
All i want is to always be by your side
I wanna ride this wave of feelings
Consuming every ounce of my being.
This movement is freeing.
I.
Getting closer to the ground
That euphoric rush of sound
Your voice.
Your voice lifts me up when I am down.
You pull my heartstrings in more than one direction.
Love.
Isn't real.
I don't know how to feel.
Facade, fakery.
I need to make this moment me.
Breaking walls so I can fly free
And not just in my endless dreams.
You.
Complete me.
Make me whole.
I don't wanna live this life alone.
I see you in all light
I see you in the dark.
I want you
I want your good and bad
I want everything in between.
And you say you need me.
And I finally get to the point in the poem where I scream at the top of my lungs,
Just tell me you love me.
Always.
Wishing.

Bullets for words,
Without considering the exit wound.
Your hand continually strains the blood from my heart.
Tight grasp.
Steady grip.
No escape.
The bag goes rip.
And then the world
Spirals.
Down.
And up.
Puke your ******* guts.
Down and up.
I don't mind throwing up.
Down and up.
Until it stops.
And then
Back again.
Black again.
Wake up.
Wake up.
Wake the **** up!
I cant.

I'll be honest in saying,
There's only one person who's come close.
To the euphoric feeling
Enveloping my soul.
The opposite of her.
Giving in to feeling.
I was ok before I wasnt.
I'm not.
I think everyone just needs to leave me alone.
Because I'll never believe you'll stay.
Your lust will last
A mere day.
Throw me in the gutter
I'll wash down the drain.
Never to be heard from again.
I'd rather not exist.
Let my life succomb to substance.
Fade in.
Fade out again.
Living life by playing pretend.
None of this is real.
I don't exist.

How many of you would like to know me?
Because I'm an open book, and that has been said to be a crime.
But I can sit here and tell you about my life thus far, from a to z, all of the things that have haunted me.
A product of divorce.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Trauma consumes me.
And all I can do is just keep breathing.
Most days I'm thankful to do just that.
To open my eyes.
To realize.
And acknowledge the beauty in all things.
Drugs started me on falling in love with dead trees.
Getting on my knees and begging,
Please.
Please.
Don't think the words you speak about me.
17 to 26.
Packing concrete into a broken foundation, just for a quick fix.
Drunken mistakes.
Violent shakes.
Unpulled triggers.
All causing me to grow bigger.
Inside.
Inside.
Most times, always pondering why?
Most times wanting to ******* die.
Being willing canceled out the unwilling.
Times you search for deeper healing.
Deeper meaning.
Deeper ******* feeling.
And in the end, all you ever have is yourself.
You alone have to be good enough.
3 am thoughts.
Coping mechanisms can surely be taught.
But they don't ******* work.
Because I'm always left distraught.
What else have I to cover?
When I was a child, I used to hover.
Witnessing shadows beneath the covers.
And dead bodies really do get stiff and cold.
Never enough for anyone to just hold.
Binges of binges.
Lies untold.
Just trying to find another old soul.
Lies untold.
Solice in silence.
Two years a prisoner.
Suicide attempts,
And hospital beds.
Copious amounts of pills.
Provoking a complex
Of conformity.
Breaking free.
**** normality.
Opening eyes
But what do I see?
Is all of this really me?
It's not.
My depths go deeper than these words.
I soar higher than birds.
And you'll never really ******* know me.

Existance is a ******* joke.
I hope another country drops bombs
And we all ******* die.
The glorious last dance with life.
It's peaceful in the abyss.
Moving through darkness.
Kissing lips.
Lying to yourself.
"You can pick up the pieces and move forward"
But your mind is stuck on replay.
It may shuffle,
But the song keeps repeating.
Swallow,
Sniff,
Repeat.
Swallow,
Sniff,
Repeat.
And down
Down
Down
You go.
I have no ******* soul.
My heart is already controlled.
My mind is not my own.
So what do I have left?
What's left for me?
A ******* universe
A universe
Of dreams.

I'm fighting for a future.
Bright.
To read, and listen, and write.
I know I speak in words untimed.
Half of my **** doesn't even rhyme.
Everything is processed and resolved
In time.
What does it mean to be human to you?
What is it like to constantly move?
What is it like to hold a gun?
On your worst days, what thoughts do you have?
Do you sit and face the facts, or run?
Speak in tongues.
Throw your hands up to the ******* sun.
And scream,
Scream at the top of your lungs.
I am human, and I, by far am not perfect.
I don't believe in perfection, actually.
Because in truth, flaws are reality.
And I've always been a firm believer that beauty is free.
I see it in the form of dead trees.
It's all around us all of the time.
All you have to do is open your eyes.
Just open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
And see.
There are deeper depths to the souls you meet.

This isn't a poem.
More of an update...
I'm really excited and happy that I kicked myself in the *** and started a Facebook page. Though I think I'm quite bad at figuring out how to work it. I like how this site works better, but honestly want to reach a far wider audience. I want my words to surpass time and space. Also, if anyone would like to follow me on a more personal level here you go:

IG: Biscuit1389
Facebook page thing:
https://m.facebook.com/Biscuit1389/

To all of you who take the time to read my words, I thank you from the deepest depths of my being. ♡