****,
I'm at it again.
Believing that caring exists.
When most people
Are just in your life
To make you feel like ****.
This feels like ****.
Letting people in.
But not too close.
Ok?
You inevitably
Will just always be
An arms length away
Emotions just make people crazed.
And then you have to go back to the first line.
Because when the ending comes
You just rewrite the rhyme.
When the end comes
You just add a quaint line.
When the end comes,
It's never really an end.
Because you're always begining again.

I think I'm just gonna start writing about *******.
Like love.
And the moments between when you're born and when you die.
Surely,
Your last breath is the most peaceful
In life.
Living is always easier with eyes closed.
Abiding
Conforming.
Doors closed.
You don't see.
A big picture.
Full of promise,
And hope.
Life's fading in
A bag of dope.
I wanna hold on to hope.
Promises of a tomorrow,
That will never come.
Eyes glowing like the sun.
It's easier to run.
**** facing
This confinement of feelings.
Feeling is over rated.
It's not worth fighting.
It's never gonna fade.
Time is at a stand still.
On the moment
Your eyes met mine.

Substantial substance.
Trying to conquer the divide.
Nothings right.
Losing you was the worst thing in my life.
I need you to be alright.
I wish I could feel you.
Explosions in the sky.
Look me in the eyes.
Stare into my soul.
Tell me all those ******* years weren't meaningful.
You still hold my heart.
Tight hands,
Steady grasp.
Encompassing my world.
Your name speaks volumes.
I can't talk about it.
I can't breathe.
Vomiting from dark things.
I've turned to the worst
Overpassing time.
Time wasted
On memories.
Lost.
It's all ******* lost.
Searching through darkness.
Dead forests
And dead trees.
Branches buckling
Under my feet.
Searching.
Yearning.
Where are you?
My heart drops
Every time our eyes meet.
**** the past
Begin again.
Just love me for who I am.
I promise
I promise
I'll never let go.

I'm fighting for a future.
Bright.
To read, and listen, and write.
I know I speak in words untimed.
Half of my **** doesn't even rhyme.
Everything is processed and resolved
In time.
What does it mean to be human to you?
What is it like to constantly move?
What is it like to hold a gun?
On your worst days, what thoughts do you have?
Do you sit and face the facts, or run?
Speak in tongues.
Throw your hands up to the ******* sun.
And scream,
Scream at the top of your lungs.
I am human, and I, by far am not perfect.
I don't believe in perfection, actually.
Because in truth, flaws are reality.
And I've always been a firm believer that beauty is free.
I see it in the form of dead trees.
It's all around us all of the time.
All you have to do is open your eyes.
Just open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
And see.
There are deeper depths to the souls you meet.

I always feel like words flow
With the alcohol inside my soul.
Ever encompassing by being.
This feeling is freeing.
Taking shots I can barely hold down.
Like the words that stay in my throat.
I want your presence to just go.
Escape me.
Let me be ******* free.
And I'll say it again,
Escape me.
Like a ghost
Haunting me.
Haunting my soul.
I just want for you to leave me alone.
I don't want you to invade my dreams.
I don't want to think of you when I just can't sleep.
I want to let my future grow.
I want to be more than you've ever even known.
Coming down to the fact that you never even knew me at all.
I'm a ******* flower.
Always in bloom.
Drawing you in with a beauty,
Untouchable.
Unknowing.
You don't know my name.
But I smell nice
So that is enticing enough.
Meet me in the forest,
Where my soul is bare.
Where I am me.
Free flowing with the dead trees.
I bloom and die
Bloom and die.
My presence is rebirthed
Over and over again.
I stand.
I stand as roots in the ground.
I am ******* sound.
I'll make you feel despair
Misery in everything
Yet, lift your spirit
To the highest of highs.
I'll make you fly
Like a blue bird.
Blue is all I see.
I used to see black, and sometimes green.
Now, all you see is me.
I invade your dreams.
You're in my thoughts as I am yours.
Euphoria only lasts so long it seems.
I'll always meet you in my dreams.

So glad to see you think I'm doing well.
But honestly,
I've been in a living hell.
You still resonate in my mind
Reminiscing on the times
Talking about time.
Talking about perceptions of perception.
A euphoria in listening to you rhyme.
How are things going?
Have you learned the same lesson a second time?
Are you in that same box as before?
I understand love is what made you go back to her.
I guess everything is about the persuit of happiness.
The light is bright at the end of dark tunnels.
Living color blind.
Breaking.
I'm in a bind.
The same vines that used to consume you,
Are now holding me back too.
And though I don't think either of us will ever be free,
I guess it's a life lesson.
Times three.

This isn't a poem.
More of an update...
I'm really excited and happy that I kicked myself in the *** and started a Facebook page. Though I think I'm quite bad at figuring out how to work it. I like how this site works better, but honestly want to reach a far wider audience. I want my words to surpass time and space. Also, if anyone would like to follow me on a more personal level here you go:

IG: Biscuit1389
Facebook page thing:
https://m.facebook.com/Biscuit1389/

To all of you who take the time to read my words, I thank you from the deepest depths of my being. ♡

Displaced.
No memories relevant, none forgotten, nothing remembered.
A search for sleep.
A search for reality.
Wake up
Wake the **** up, little bee.
Time to open your eyes and see.
Conform.
Rise.
Fight
Flee.
Away, away, away.
Never to look back.
You'll never be free.
Shine in your discovery
Run from inevitable destruction.
Run into the arms of deceit and let downs; suffering is second nature.
Don't fool yourself, kid.
I'm always naive to the word use.
Use, use, used.

I want to reincarnate as a tree.
And have my limbs cut off
One
By
One
For evey time
My hearts been
Broken.

Falling asleep in a dark corner of a mess.
Distress signals.
Distress signs.
Can I be your witness?
Blue is all I see
Glowing.
Don't take that from me.
And blue, it shines it's light on everything
On everything bright.
I'm ******* bright.
I glow.
I shine.
The gates of heaven are opening up their arms to me.
I fly every day.
Just knowing the universe saved me.
I'm alive.
I'm breathing.
Untouchable,
Unstoppable
Unencompassed.
Time to make another u turn.
React.
Retract.
Relapse.

I know that it was ******* love
And that fact alone lifts me up.
To know I'm capable of extraordinary emotion.
But also knowing you may only have one great love
Is such a terrible let down.
To think the word love was wasted
On someone who inevitably
Was incapable of reciprocation.
It tares me up
To think you only have one love.
That reaches the depth of the ocean
And soars through mountains.
Maybe it was but infatuation.
Possession is not a product of love.
It pretty much leads to hating each other's guts.
Like a middle school crush.
High school lust.
All of it is a rush.
I guess it's all about choice.
And choosing the right wave to dive into.
Not letting yourself be cast away.
But finding someone who will sway your boat
Steadily back to shore.

When are you going to go overseas and get shot?
Word *****.
Deep thoughts.
Your presence possesses the power to destroy.
Are you listening now?
Can you feel my noise?
I want you to feel the pain of payback.
Pondering if I should even say that.
Quick with a whit that slits wrists.
Back again with wordplay twists.
Screaming in my ears
And out my throat.
I hope you ******* choke.
The alcohol may feed your soul.
But it will never allow you to grow.
Childish and remorseful.
I may write it,
But I'll never stoop to their levels.
Undergraduates of real life.
Breathing once
Blinking twice.
Look left when you tell your lies.
Look right into someone's eyes.
Everyone can see it,
Not just I.
Eyes wide
But you still fail to see inside.
Cover your bruises with
Names
Drawn from a hat.
Combat.
Draw your knives,
You won't survive.

One day I looked into a mirror and felt at home with myself.
I was the one and only thing I needed.
I needed to find myself.
I could look back and be ashamed or discouraged.
Coupled with feelings of regret.
But it's not worth it.
I'll always be forward moving.
With one foot in front of the other.
Time stands still for no one.
You are the only representation of you that will ever be.
You're a gift.
Love yourself first
And the rest will follow.
Only time can tell.
Only time will heal.
Sometimes the wounds will never close,
But atleast you'll be strong enough
To know.
Recognize.
There is beauty in all aspects of life.

My hair is everywhere.
And I like infidelities,
You know,
Like the song.
Taking you somewhere.
There are pictures that speak louder than a thousand words combined.
The stories lie in my eyes.
That certain look that gets you every time.
Little do you know that most times the pictures I take take pieces of my soul.
But I'd gladly relive certain moments again.
Just to feel the rushing sting of loss.
Just to feel your touch.
Break myself down, to build myself up.
And each time the baracade around my heart gets more tough.
I am no longer see through.
I no longer see you.
It's only a feeling if we don't forget it.
Well, I don't feel a ******* thing,
Because I've already forgotten you.

It's the hardest thing to admit.
To face facts and contemplate on turning off the switch.
Every time I come close, something inside me says stop.
Which just leads to inevitable loss.
Because getting a taste of friendship without expectations, actually leads to me expecting we'd have that forever.
But these feelings don't come easily.
It took so much of me.
And I fumbled, and I faught,
Which caused you to flee.
I hoped for more.
I hoped that you'd be the ocean to my shore.
Always being the rush of current, guiding me to steady ground.
And I know
I know I have that for myself.
Epitomes and ****.
I wish it wasn't so easy for you to quit.
I'm capable of being my own sound.
I'll always wear my jagged crown.
Maybe I saw someone who wasn't afraid to get splinters while tearing through the thorns around my throne.
Feeling is just not a good feeling to me.
Because I was destroyed by the same fluttering.
And that was bad, but this is worse.
Because the destruction came in other ways, but I knew that there was something else.
And the constant question on my mind, is if you ever even cared at all?
And wondering if I even knew the real you.
Why is it always that the one person we don't want to even think about, we can't stop writing about?
I guess it's just finally time to say enough is enough.
The wondering feeling is torture.
It's rough.
I guess here's to hoping I have the strength to give up.
I guess it's true what they say, the thing worth holding onto wouldn't have let go in the first place.

The ultimate struggle of
"On Letting Go"
Repeat that five times.
Swallow, rinse, repeat.
Swallow, rinse.
Swallow.
Alcohol, alcohol.
Pills to make you feel alive.
And all your trying to do is survive
Survive.
Survive.
******* breath.
Breathe.
Don't. Do. It.
Don't choke.

It comes in waves, the chaos, the pain. Where did everything go wrong? The fluttering flight of heartstrings getting pulled by loss. Drowning out the pounding noise my chest makes and the steady gasps for struggled breath. We are all our own savior; I am my own god.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of the tears
Bursting through my eyelids
Uncontrollably
When a stupid song comes on.
Provoking emotion.
I don't want to feel, self.
Don't you understand that by now?
It's too much.
I tried feeling once.
After a terrible loss.
And then I ******* died.
I was a phoenix that day.
And the reignighted fire
Burns deep
To keep
To keep ******* pushing through.
Just to breathe
Is sometimes enough
To smile.

I felt sick, so I cut out my stomach.
Hoping that the nauseous feeling would cease.
I felt like crying, so I cut out my eyes.
Because showing emotion just doesn't suffice.
I felt like speaking, so I slit my throat.
Because choking on blood is better than choking on word *****.
I felt my heart; the strings inside, breaking.
So I let them rip, and tare a hole in my chest.
And it wasn't the lack of being able to eat, or see, or breathe and speak that even came close to killing me.
Feeling killed me.
That which feeds your entirety, when broken, has the power to end lives.

Two months
Until it's been a year.
My greatest fear.
You're never coming back.
I don't know if I can live with that fact.
What the **** is the point?
Baring your body with
No soul.
Infinite paths
One road.
Hiding all the parts of you
That only she knows.
I want to grow.
But I don't know if I can.
Memories holding me back again.
Impending doom
Weighing me under.
And your voice is still my favorite sound.
Still no comfort to be found.
The tables are turning.
And I'm still yearning.
I'm meant to be six feet down.
Undergound.
No ******* sound.
Your voice still makes me bound.
I'm choking on the words I said.
The words you clearly never meant.
Life makes no ******* sense.

We accept the love we think we deserve
And I deserve you
No matter how much I hate myself
I know I deserve you.
That's why
I let you love me
And I accept it
And I'm breaking down walls
I'm tearing through all the parts of me
That just want to push you away.
I'm letting you love me
And I deserve it.

I breathed you in for the last time.
Crying eyes
While our bodies entwined.
Intensity in asphyxiation.
Your heart suffocates mine.
Collapsed lungs,
Breathing heavy.
I wish we were steady.
Standing on two feet.
One path to lead.
Hands entwined
Down dark tunnels
Leading us to the light.
It's dim,
But it still shines.
You're always in the back if my mind.
In the hiding place
I need to keep you.
Safe
And sound.
Never to be found again.
There's no such thing as light.
I'm bound
To life
Without you.

You are,
Sunlight shining with stars bright,
A rare breed.
Looking into your eyes has a way of setting me free.
We do not surpass time and space,
Instead we trace the weathered lines on each others' face.
Memories cause us to have those old souls.
Nobody knows.
We both continue to grow.
We ******* glow,
When we collide,
Our chemicals seem to mix just right.
What the ****, you even cause me to rhyme..
I don't have rhythm, and i sure as hell can't sing, but with you, with you, I don't feel that sting.
I'm over on this flowing ****.
I'll just be direct and say you're the only one I wanna kick it with.
You know that "hit it" bizz
As long as you don't quit it quick.
Deeper levels entwine
Our bodies like vines.
Sleeping actually feels right.
We fit, we mix, we both like ****.
I fell off the beat, so yeah,
**** it.

I feel like I need substance to forget your name.
Stopping dead in my tracks.
Your presence resonates.
Please, I beg, for your presence to escape me.
Erase the memory.
I can't live with you
In the back of my mind.
Time times infinity will still not be enough time.
Your presence provokes a sadness within.
The only thing I have left is a paper and pen.
Words accumulating.
Words are meaningless, and forgettable.
But your love,
Your love will always ******* last.
I can't keep living in the past.
There's no such thing.
Your love is everlasting.
Even if it is just a one way feeling.

So here it lies
A story to tell
Of a distraught past
Posing as a way to the future.

You lifted me up
Only to tear me down
You wiped my tears away
Only to be the cause

I have no one to blame but you.
I have no one to blame but myself.
I have no one to blame.

Do you think I'm pretty when I cry?
Staring death right in the eyes.
Moving mountains with the screams inside.
Does it scare you that I'm not afraid to die?

Boom
Boom
Boom
Shots of shots
Down throats.
Burning.
Yearning.
Hide your guts.
Hide your ******* feelings.
Everything is meaningless,
And forgettable.
Like words unsead.
Naked in bed.
Get up and dust yourself off.
Just another notch.
Just an her notch.
You're not the first to be tasted.
Bruises only last so long.
Sing a song.
Sing a song
Of life without you
Without you.
Everything feels wrong
It's wrong.
It's wrong dude
I don't know how to carry on without you.
Just tie me down.
Tie me up.
I give up
I give up.
I give up.
I wish I had the ******* strength
To end my ******* life.
Here's to a life full of wishful behavior.
Never really getting what you want.

Stuck in between
Sleep
And dreams.
This life I have
Is but a grain of sand.
Tiny.
Insignificant.
Dot.
And I'm floating in space
Again.
Memorizing the stars
Escaping my view.
So maybe I'll be able
to find my way back home.
To you.
Dead trees
I still have planted roots.
And I'm swaying in bed
To the drums in my head.
Grasping bed sheets
Gasping breaths.
Until that final
Sweet release
The last beat.
The last inhale
Of smoke.
Choking on black tar.
Black lullibies.
Singing songs
To me.
As I circulate
Back to self
Body bruised.
Heart destroyed.
Soul,
Nonexistent.

Why did you choose to swoop in and prey on me?
I am but a bee, relearning to fly; never managing to learn how to use my stinger.
Which is why I always starve.
I can't feed the queen.
I can't feed myself.
I run in the colonies of those who do just fine alone.
But I surely can not be.
I was learning.
I was learning to move my little bee feet, and learning to buzz on flowers to eat, and especially learning how to flow my wings with the breeze.
You were helping me.
And then one day you decided, that it just didn't matter if I knew how to eat, or fly, or even survive.
You just left in the blink of an eye.
That's honestly the day I said **** it and died.

I live, but struggle to breathe.
I fight an endless losing battle.
The outcome will always be the same.
Death will take us all away.
In the end, nothing really matters.
Memories become void.
Emotionless emotions become the normality of an existence that is so lost and broken. Its all one big facade. Shaken from the past, too afraid to fly. Too afraid to live, too scared to die. Stuck in shades of grey. There is no left or right, black or white. It's a constant moving force of one foot in front of the other. Holding tears back, in fear of ruining the make up on my eyes that you never let me wear in the first place. It's struggling and fighting against yourself to not pick up that knife. Slice. Slice. Slice. It's a song on repeat in the back of my mind. Cryptic words and mind ***** only lead to future cuts and blood. That's how I allow myself to feel. For the tears to be able to flood. The panic sets in, once again. For the sake of everyone else, never minding what's good for me. For the sake of everyone else's sanity. And I hide and play my part like the good daughter, like the good family member that never gets spoken to. Like the good person I pretend to be. But all the hate I have is always directed toward me. I hate every single one of you *****. I don't want your ******* love. I want you to leave me alone. I don't want compassion or pitty or pleasantries. I'm used to getting ***** in my ******* dreams. Don't be nice to me. Feed my soul With what it deserves; hurt, make me ******* scream. I scream inside every day. I claw myself from the inside out, beating and breaking my rib cage to stop my heart from constantly pounding in my ears. My eyelids are heavy now, because I guess you should know I'm an addict too. Anything to surpress the void, or the feeling, or anything at all. Anything to stop everything. This numb feeling is what I need to get by. This numb feeling is my best friend in life. This numb ******* feeling actually makes me feel alive. All I really am is dead inside. Which actually poses a question to all my conquests; what was it like to **** a corpse?

Life is hard, dude.
But hard times don't mean
End times.
Because, believe me I've tried.
To end time.
During those hard times.
And yet, I'm still alive.
I'm a pretty firm believer in
I'm not living, I'm just killing time.
But yet, I'm still alive.
Everything is in yourself.
You can be whoever you want to be.
You're free, and you're free to choose.
But all in all I hope the choice leads to good over evil.
And that, all in all, you exude
Positivity.

Sometimes I'll graze
And my eyes will wonder
Onto the now dead flowers
In the corner of my room
Of course I'll think of you
Of your words
And how I destroy you.
But it's a fleeting thought
Because I'm more than destruction.
You just didn't have the patience
To let me evolve.
I'm never going in a box again.
I will not mend myself
To fit into anyone's standards.
I will not deceive me
To be someone you will love.
I choose me, in all light
And dark.
I choose myself
Because in the end,
Everyone dies alone
And in the end
I'm all that matters.

I feel motivated to say
That nothing bad in life
Ever stays.
It gets washed away
Like the rain.
I'll be your steady boat
On rocky shores
Holding you together
Like the many times
You've done for me
Before.
I'll help guide you
To the mountain tops,
And navigate through
The valleys of shadows
That linger in the dark
Corners of your mind.
Just stay the night.
Fight.
Fight this feeling of lost hope.
Fight this feeling of choking
From the inside out.
Fight with everything good inside you.
I know you can.
I'll be here to hold your hand.
Everything is temporary,
But my love will last a lifetime.

I'm losing my mind.
Trying to find a will to survive.
I've made it 27 years
Forcing breath
To enter and exit my lungs.
Maybe I'm someone
Destined to join the 27 club.
Morbid as ****.
Im just tired.
Beer bottles.
Whisky lullabys.
******* lines.
Shots to survive.
Pills eating away my insides.
My chest ******* aches.
Love is by far
The worst ever pain.
I'm becoming dull
And numb.
Falling down the inevitable
Rabbit hole.
I've already lost my soul.
I'm gone dude.
Black skies.
Black eyes.
No ties to my former life.
**** all of you.
*******.
I'm done.

I had a spur of the moment
Random decision.
To turn left and take the bridge.
I saw you walking.
I saw you.
You saw me.
And when our eyes met
I felt a rattling feeling in my ribcage.
I shook like a leaf on a tree.
That same nervous anxiety
I get before I read my words
To a group of people.
What does that even mean?
What does it mean to have randomly been put on a path where I would see you again?
It hurt to see you.
A stinging, aching hurt.
And now all I want to do is break down and cry.
But I wont.
I might still uncontrollably feel these things inside.
But I won't let myself break.
I won't let myself really feel it.
After all,
You're the one who doesn't love me.
All that's left is to pick up all of the broken pieces
and move forward.
I just never thought
a mere eye locking moment would send shivers down my spine.
I never thought seeing you again would be like having a heart attack.

I just wish there was another chance to make it right.
After all, you are my light.
The sun to my moon.
Dancing in synopses
Of picturesque form.
Never knowing eachother as a whole.
Only parts in passing flow.
Substance to suffice
The passing of time.
But what will really happen down the line?
Can you honestly say you'd be content without me in your life?
I'll gladly disappear if that's what you'd like.
Maybe that's what needs to happen.
Picture a life
Where I don't exist.
Can you?
Because I cant.
Ever growing.
Ever changing.
A binding engagement.
I never would have said yes
If I knew that life would lead to this.
I honestly wish I could forget.
And that my memories weren't tied to regret.
Honestly the only regret I have
Was ******* up so ******* bad.
To the point in life where I lost you.
I lost you and you're never coming back.
It's really time to face the facts.
Succombing to a fate that you hate to choose.
Always in the position to lose.
I do.
I do.
I do.
I wish we would have made it
To the Isle
To the song we picked out
For the first dance.
It was all picturesque.
I wish I never would have made a plan.
For a future.
Because now that everything is lost
And makes no sense.
It's hard to see a clear happy end.
I honestly can't even hear the name jess.
Without going back
To hope with no end.
It's just sadly not the case.
I need to learn to live my life without seeing your face.
But what if I cant?

Free falling into thoughts of you.
Is it so ******* bad to just wonder why?
Why it ever happened in the first place.
Time wasted, memories lost in translation.
Translating sanity
While going through the depths of hell.
And I'm sorry, ok.
I'm sorry for those nights in my car
Screaming at the top of my lungs.
Trying to find the ******* will
To just drive over that cliff.
And I'm sorry, ok.
I'm sorry that I put you in the category of a savior
Because at the time I didn't know how to save myself.
And sometimes I still dont.
It's like all those skills to cope
Go out the window with your fleeting hope.
Especially while holding a bottle of pills in one and a knife in the other hand.
Now the thoughts of you are fading
I feel like I am just decaying.
The lack of your touch.
The lack of that ******* euphoric love.
And I'm sorry, ok.
I sunk into my bed yet again today.
It's ******* hard to face the noise.
It's hard to feel the joys.
Fragments of a future
Are halted with a lack of breath.

I miss your love.
Always like the tide.
An ocean bringing someone to shore.
Or finding a steady path on my own two feet.
Loving myself.
Being enough to myself.
To let me breathe.
But I still miss you..
And I wonder,
Endlessly,
Will I ever find that again?
Will anyone ever love me as much as you did?
Do you still?
I can't take much more of cheap thrills.
I like climbing mountains,
And diving deep depths.
Feeling full from someone's surface within.
I need.
I ******* need
Someone to stimulate me.
I need the earth to move,
Under my feet.
I need the riptides to drown me.
I need to suffocate.
I need to suffer from silence.
I already am.
And again,
Where are you?
Where are you
In life,
when you should be with me.
I don't use the word need.
But I need you.
I need you.
See me.
Free me.

I'm capable of writing about positivity.
And how negative things most times escape me.
I'm capable of telling you that you are not just a product of your life thus far.
And that you're capable of living.
But maybe I just like sad ****.
Most times it's not even sad.
It's emotion.
Feeling through words.
And music.
Because I've spent years feeling through people.
And I've learned, that it will always be a let down.
And let's face it, let downs ****.
So I live with no expectations.
But I strive for greatness.

There are two outcomes to love pulling on the heartstrings of suffering
Writing
Or death.
I choose pen on paper
Rather than a blade to my wrist.

I sometimes live
To the fullest of fullest extents.
I shine so ******* bright
And elevate everyone around me
With positive energy.
Positivity.
But, really
Time is just elapsing.
Time is wasted on making memories.
Only to disappoint you
When I'm not around.
I sometimes die
Inside.
I break.
I break down and fall the **** apart.
I hide in the deepest corners of my mind.
And something inside sometimes screams
Climb!
Climb!
Climb!
But I bite my nails
So I can't latch on.
And my body is frail
So I can't even walk.
I succumb to my fate.
The inevitable.
The welcomed.
The hopeful last breath
I'll ever have to take.

**** man,
Torn between two people
Who are equally enthralling.
Both tearing my soul in opposite directions.
Both on my mind.
Both equally not wanting me at the same time.
Which leads me to thinking that I'm not enough.
I feel like I make the tides rough.
The seas get heavy with salt.
The pull.
The push.
The waves wash over me,
And I am anew.
If only,
If only I mattered to you.
I'm ******* delusional.
I should just get in my car and drive afar.
Far away.
From the life I've lived.
From the life that's defined me.
Leave everything behind.
Be free of my mind.

I've been told before,
That it's ok to care.
Hands running through
Dark hair.
Fingers entwine.
Let your body
Fall into mine.
You do know that all of this
That all of this is meaningless,
Right?
Your presence isn't gonna make
My future bright.
Just another regret,
That I choose not to regret.
Just another regret,
My mind will soon forget.
You'd be wise to do the same.
Lose my number
And pretend
Pretend you don't even know my name.

I sat in a corner of a room filled with noise.
I saw you.
And all I wanted to do was get up,
Hug you,
And say,
I forgive you.
Instead I drowned myself in alcohol,
In hopes to forget the reaccuring thoughts rushing in.
You hugged her.
She hugged you.
Like nothing bad ever existed in the first place.
Like she never even believed me at all.
So I drove
And I screamed at the top of my lungs
For someone to just wrap me up in their arms.
While I collapsed
While I fell and hit rock bottom again.
Tears seeping through every pore within.
And we aren't friends.
Because I asked for help, and you were too wasted to care.
And I asked for you to tell me to stop,
But instead,
With no response,
I just downed pill after pill,
Because really, you don't care at all.
And I ******* needed you, in my darkest hour.
But you showed your character.
I should have known from the begining,
The colors of your heart
Because you didn't even show up for your dad's funeral.
And I'd honestly die all over again if you tried to show up at mine.

Slick slits for eyes,
When you tell your lies.
That's why everyone around you dies.
The unwelcome sounds
Of choking from the inside.
Out.
Get out of my mind.
Find solice in time.
Breathing lessons for beginners.
*** lessons for sinners.
Suicide lessons for quitters.
Thinking lessons in life will make you all winners.
Admiring strength
In surety.
Of knowing who you are.
Where you want to go.
What you want to be.
Some die before they're able to achieve.
Goals
And gratitude.
Thanking their gods for judgement.
Unable to be who you want to be.
Stand up and set yourself free.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Or fate,
Or destiny?
Gratification came from that first day.
The first moment you spit words through a microphone.
Touching my soul
With your poetic justice.
Screaming deeper meanings.
Yearning to know every part of your mind.
Even the parts you try to hide.
I wanna get inside.
I want to bury myself in the deepest of depths of you.
Be that voice of reason,
Be that indestructible fluttering feeling.
I want to be your hope on days when you don't feel like you have anything.
Because you'll always have me.
You have me.
I'm here.
And I'm not going anywhere.
I want to see the light in your eyes, every day, especially when you look at me.
Star gaze.
I'll make you shine.

Up all night thinking
I've been thinking
Maybe we've been at this too long.
Maybe the feeling is gone.
I don't like the feeling
Of you
Anymore.
The pasts steady grip
Takes hold once again.
Again
Again
This is the begining of the end.
Your steady ******* boat.
Hitting rocks
And waves.
My minds astray.
I ******* hate this feeling.
Like the feeling after a one night stand
When you're just waiting for the other person to leave your bed.
Only, 10 years doesn't make you just a one night stand.
I can't stand this.
I can't stand.
I was over the mountain
Walking through woods
Then you back tracked the process
I'll never meet the wizard at this pace.
There is no end goal.
There is no end
We have yet to begin again.
There's a foundation
You see
That's built upon trust.
Once you lose that
All hope is lost.
Unless you're her.
See
I've been around this block before.
Over mountains
Through doors.
Hopes just a four letter word.
Like love.
You can't pack concrete into cracks
And expect **** to last.
The foundation is cracked
The foundation is cracked.
This love won't surpass.

I never want to remember, yet it hurts to forget.
Tears flow like my regrets.
A water fountain.
A shock wave.
Of feelings.
Why can't I just let you go?
Why can't your presence just escape my heart?
I wish for nothing more than to not be torn the **** apart.
They say time heals all wounds,
But the wounds I feel aren't surface scars.
They cut deep within.
I'm not whole.
I'm not a melody without you.
My harmony.
My solid ground.
My love.
You were my riptide.
Yet you were the steadiest motion in my ocean.
Joy and hope
Joy and hope.
You kept my life afloat.
It hurts the most
To know we just can not be.
I wish we knew ourselves
Individually.
The love I have will live inside me until I die.
Never fading.
No replacing.
Nothing will ever compare.

I still can't get you off my tongue.
Or out of my mind.
I want the thoughts of you to end.
Deeper thinking has me thinking
Everything was a lie.
Why did you make me fly?
Now my wings are clipped
And I'm sky diving without a parachute.
Hoping that soaring will save me.
Hoping you'll be there to catch me in the end.
But you're nowhere to be found.
No words escape.
Lessons in the dark.
Lessons in time.
Of time.
On time.
How much time will it take for me to forget your name?
That's the thing about the ties of men.
And maybe not even men.
Just the act of letting people in general in.
You give them a chance to break you with every word you speak.
Every aspect of breathing becomes a not so sure thing.
Why do people have to hurt so bad.
Why do we feel the need for them to intertwine within our lives?
When did we as humans lose touch with the contentment of being alone?
Nerves are a wreck.
I hope you think of those nights as more than just regret.
My lips will always blissfully remember yours.
How you were supposed to be the crashing of waves to a steady shore.
How you were supposed to be the brightest light in my dark tunnel of hope.
Once again I'm homeless and alone.
Building bridges in my heart for you to walk upon.
Navigate your way through my tearing heartstrings.
Sew them back together.

I feel like a piece of me is always missing.
I'm not whole.
Nor will I ever be.
I tried to fight.
I try to pretend like I'm whole.
But I'll never hold my own heart.
I can never give it to someone else.
She has it
She will always have it.
Forever and a day.
Forever and always.
I don't care what depths of hell
I had to endure.
She will always be the cure.
She will always be my true north.
My compass star.
No other will ever even compare.
Tear filled eyes.
Struggling to breathe.
Over a ******* feeling.
I don't want to feel.
I don't want to feel anymore.
Just take me away.
Use me.
**** me up.
Pain is a replacement.
Death is always more peaceful
Than life.

You said I was your muse
Your reason to paint
Now you're falling off
You lost me
You lost me
I'm gone.
You said you don't love me.
But I know you ******* need me.
I bring things,
Unemaginable joyous things,
To your lonely life.
You chose this.
You chose this new life
of misery
Always wondering
what is truth and
what is lie.
You chose to be alone inside.
I had hope for us
But hopes love lost
Time has run out
I'm a muse for someone else.