You'll think I'm all in,
When I'm really 1 foot out the door.
Building myself up,
So I can close it for good.
And lock it away.
Never looking back.
There is no going back
After this.
Hopes loves lost.
I believed you.
I believed in you. In us.
Only for you to betray my trust.
You're only after lust.
Hope you're happy with yourself.
You've lost the family we were building.
And for what?

I'm losing.
Again.
But the loss is drawn out.
Time is precious
Because all we have is the moments
Between when you found out you were dying
And the moment you'll forget me.
And I regret losing time.
I regret the nots
I regret the enoughs
When I should have kept my mouth shut.
I regret not having time
Enough.

How could you?
How could you be so reckless with my soul?
I broke down walls,
I unchained my rib cage
I served you my heart on a
Silver platter,
Just for you to take
A bite when you were hungry.
Just for you to come and go
As you please.
Always putting yourself first,
Myself, an afterthought.
I once again know pain
And loss.
I once again am losing my mind
At the thought.
Why do I hold on so tightly
To people
Who just destroy me?

Where has my inspiration gone?
Down the toilet with the pills.
In your stomach full of alcohol.
While I'm starving.
History perpetually repeats itself
Full of intent.
Full of regret.
Repent!
Looping lines inside my head
Trying to write again.
Tell me what to swallow
To regain hope.

Stuck in between
Sleep
And dreams.
This life I have
Is but a grain of sand.
Tiny.
Insignificant.
Dot.
And I'm floating in space
Again.
Memorizing the stars
Escaping my view.
So maybe I'll be able
to find my way back home.
To you.
Dead trees
I still have planted roots.
And I'm swaying in bed
To the drums in my head.
Grasping bed sheets
Gasping breaths.
Until that final
Sweet release
The last beat.
The last inhale
Of smoke.
Choking on black tar.
Black lullibies.
Singing songs
To me.
As I circulate
Back to self
Body bruised.
Heart destroyed.
Soul,
Nonexistent.

I'm falling into the same patterns
Again.
Not making a sound.
Of sacrificing feelings
Just to keep them around.
When will I escape the bond
My heavy head holds
On my vast heart.
Continuous lessons
In the dark.
*******.
I'm going back to the start.
You'll never penetrate
The concrete walls
Of this castle I've built.
It might be time to say
Goodbye.
Before you give me the chance
To even say
Hello.
Because starting is always easier
Than letting go.
You left as fast as you came.
Maybe I'm just pushing you away.
Stuck in a stagnant life
Entitled hope.
Hope for the best
But inevitably
Expect the worst.
Is that how it goes?
When will I meet the end of my rope?
I climb.
I'm climbing.
Up and up,
But
It feels like I'm constantly falling.
I'm driving down a one way road,
Swirving through oncoming traffic.
Constantly hitting brick walls,
When I feel like a ghost.
I should be able to travel through space and time, without touching anything,
Right?
It's morning again.
And I find myself asking
If you even remember my name?
Because, again, I can't remember anything.
Wake up
And take a sip.
Take a ****.
Go to work.
Puke your guts.
Repeat.
Repetitive
Relapses.
And you have the power to change.
But it's your choice to stay.
And I can't begin
To let you in
With the exit music
Always playing in the background.

Let's dance on the past
For awhile.
For the night.
Thinking about things
That just aren't right.
She's your favorite person cuz
She ****** you right?
Unbenounst to you,
She's the love of my life.
And *******,
I don't even know why.
My ******* soul is entwined.
I just wanna stop the noise.
There is no such thing as joy
Or hope.
My neck is tied,
Hung from a rope.
I like to choke.
On words
Both said and
Unread
Snort some **** to escape the inevitable end.
Oh yeah, let's just ******* pretend.
Pretend real emotions mean nothing in the end.

What happens when you have a broken heart?
Does  it fill with blood and burst?
Does it bend to fit in the tiniest box,
locked up in your chest.
Entwined in your rib cage.
Does it pull to the left or to the right?
Does it hurt and ache?
Does it long or yearn?
Does it feel at all?
Is it an old familiar stabbing pain?
Is it dull or like roaring flames?
Is it hard to breathe or even to see?
Is it a panic attack, or just me?
It's a ******* explosion.
It's asking what ifs.
It's reflection.
It's the past.
It's a constant.
It's a constallation in the far out space.
It's the space between you and me.
It's a ******* monstrosity.
It's a game.
It's a mind ****.
It's a lie.
It's life.
It's love.

A break in the barrier
Of my universe.
Let you seep
Through the cracks.
But I think
I got swallowed into
A black hole.
Because I feel like
I'm constantly falling
Into your eyes.
It's like seeing the sunrise
From the bed in my basement.
The fear of leaving this island
That I've created.
When will I escape it?
When will I ever learn how to
Not sky dive without a parachute?
When will I learn how to not drown
In the depths of someone else's hurt?
You say all the things
That are jumbled up
Inside.
Even if they don't
Come out
Quite right.
Sleepless nights
Drugs eating away at
Your insides.
You're inside.
You're inside
My basement.
No windows to see
If the suns shining
Losing time.
You're losing time
You're losing time
Again.
So I sit,
And watch.
Silently beg
And falter at your feet.
Pleading.
Please
Please just be free.
Escape your mind.
Escape me.
Be your own personal rainbow.
Be your own personal jesus.
Be anything.
Just be.
Just be.
Just breathe.

****,
I'm at it again.
Believing that caring exists.
When most people
Are just in your life
To make you feel like ****.
This feels like ****.
Letting people in.
But not too close.
Ok?
You inevitably
Will just always be
An arms length away
Emotions just make people crazed.
And then you have to go back to the first line.
Because when the ending comes
You just rewrite the rhyme.
When the end comes
You just add a quaint line.
When the end comes,
It's never really an end.
Because you're always begining again.

I feel motivated to say
That nothing bad in life
Ever stays.
It gets washed away
Like the rain.
I'll be your steady boat
On rocky shores
Holding you together
Like the many times
You've done for me
Before.
I'll help guide you
To the mountain tops,
And navigate through
The valleys of shadows
That linger in the dark
Corners of your mind.
Just stay the night.
Fight.
Fight this feeling of lost hope.
Fight this feeling of choking
From the inside out.
Fight with everything good inside you.
I know you can.
I'll be here to hold your hand.
Everything is temporary,
But my love will last a lifetime.

Up all night thinking
I've been thinking
Maybe we've been at this too long.
Maybe the feeling is gone.
I don't like the feeling
Of you
Anymore.
The pasts steady grip
Takes hold once again.
Again
Again
This is the begining of the end.
Your steady ******* boat.
Hitting rocks
And waves.
My minds astray.
I ******* hate this feeling.
Like the feeling after a one night stand
When you're just waiting for the other person to leave your bed.
Only, 10 years doesn't make you just a one night stand.
I can't stand this.
I can't stand.
I was over the mountain
Walking through woods
Then you back tracked the process
I'll never meet the wizard at this pace.
There is no end goal.
There is no end
We have yet to begin again.
There's a foundation
You see
That's built upon trust.
Once you lose that
All hope is lost.
Unless you're her.
See
I've been around this block before.
Over mountains
Through doors.
Hopes just a four letter word.
Like love.
You can't pack concrete into cracks
And expect **** to last.
The foundation is cracked
The foundation is cracked.
This love won't surpass.

Tongues twisted again.
You're still my best friend.
I've missed the comfortability.
Skin on skin.
Naked again.
Emotions stripped
Bare to the surface.
I feel my pupils widen
When I see you.
It's electricity.
The currents of two souls
Colliding.
Entwining again.
The almost extinguished Flame
Once again ignited
on full blast.
You may very well be
My addiction.
Still struggling to see the reality.
Still struggling to fight the thoughts that you don't love me.
Still struggling to just be.
Maybe this is the begining of the begining again.
Maybe this is the begining of the end.
Closure sometimes comes when you least expect it.
Finishing the last chapter in our book.
Everything is written in the stars.
Our love will forever be eternal.

Every word pulls me in.
Closer.
Deeper.
To
Stardust
And oblivion.
Intelligence is appealing
To all senses.
Especially the nerves
Between my legs.
Your voice flutters
Into my ******* chest.
And though it rips it to shreds,
I love the pain.
Please hurt me some more.
Speak your volumes
With your muted silence.
Let's ******* scream.
Hand in hand
On mountain tops.
From the miles
That separate our skin.
Skin on skin
Hands tied in knots
Around my throat
Suffocating my lungs
Gasping for breath.
Feel me.
Feel my depths
Feel my soul.
**** me from the inside.

You were lucky to escape me.
Disregarding that four letter word
You always said so easily.
Seeing is believing.
You no longer exist to me.
Free falling into new feelings.
Old lovers.
New flings.
Disrupted bed sheets.
Freezing.
Fleeing.
He ******* feels me.
I'm fine
I'm fine
The ultimate line.
The darkness comes
The thoughts rush
Destroying you inside
Free your mind.
Always stuck talking
About time.
Last drop
Your mind can't get me off.
Everything else is irrelevant.
Like your presence.
Gone.
Gone
So now the smiles back on my face.

A fluttering light is pulling me back inside.
My mind.
Soaring towards that great white light.
I'm dead inside.
I can't breathe.
I can't see.
Come inside me.
Dangerous cycle of a downward spiral.
No care in the world.
Running in circles.
Arms length,
Always.
Stay away.
Stray cat.
Birds of prey.
Soar high until you touch the light.
Try to free your mind.
Don't leave tonight.
This isn't right.
These codependent issues
Won't last in life.
Abandon your vice.
Use your voice
To say enough.
Used up.
Advances of people you don't even want to touch.
Wanting is a rush.
Always searching for that euphoric real love.
A word made up.
Body going numb.
Breathe deep.
Just keep breathing.
Sometimes I forget how to breathe.
Emotions taking leave.
Flightless bird,
Just sing me to sleep.
Pain killers to confine my endless dreams.
You're still all I see.
I don't want to know
I want to ******* grow.
Drink bleach to whiten the tainted dark presence your name has on my teeth.
I want to see rainbows when you suffocate me.
I want to glow.
Fly.
Soar.
I don't speak muted volumes.
I ******* roar.
I've earned my stripes.
I'm a lioness.
I prey on my own soul.
I have no heart.
These words are my art.
Making sense to the brain in my own head.
Disguising lines filled with dread.
Dispair disrupts duality.
Normality.
There's no such thing.
Life is but a dream.
It's a ******* dream.
Sometimes nightmares.
Seeing stars.
But we breathe because we have to.

I wanna use the words you wrote
To describe how I feel.
So ******* empty.
Useless.
Depeche Mode is relevant.
I'm a bursting baloon
Helium.
Read between the lines.
You'll never find
The answers that define me.
My definition is lost.
I'm floating in space.
Never found
No trace
Resistance of everything
With a ******* straight face.
We own the sky.
Created from stardust,
Time goes by.
And by.
This is goodbye.
This is goodbye.

In the waves I've lost
Every trace of you.
Where are you?
Don't you see me drowning?
Inside I'm dying too.
I've lost you.
You.
The boat that always
Floated me to a steady shore.
To Solid ground.
Swimming through riptides
Is hard to do alone.
My lungs are suffocating
From the sound
The crashing
Of waves.
As I drown.
Down
Down
Down
I wash away.
I wash away
All trace.
Of you.

Bullets for words,
Without considering the exit wound.
Your hand continually strains the blood from my heart.
Tight grasp.
Steady grip.
No escape.
The bag goes rip.
And then the world
Spirals.
Down.
And up.
Puke your ******* guts.
Down and up.
I don't mind throwing up.
Down and up.
Until it stops.
And then
Back again.
Black again.
Wake up.
Wake up.
Wake the **** up!
I cant.

I'm losing my mind.
Trying to find a will to survive.
I've made it 27 years
Forcing breath
To enter and exit my lungs.
Maybe I'm someone
Destined to join the 27 club.
Morbid as ****.
Im just tired.
Beer bottles.
Whisky lullabys.
******* lines.
Shots to survive.
Pills eating away my insides.
My chest ******* aches.
Love is by far
The worst ever pain.
I'm becoming dull
And numb.
Falling down the inevitable
Rabbit hole.
I've already lost my soul.
I'm gone dude.
Black skies.
Black eyes.
No ties to my former life.
**** all of you.
*******.
I'm done.

There's a fire.
A fire.
I'm my chest.
An ache.
A burning fuckng disaster.
And I search.
I'm searching.
For some water,
Eveeywhere.
Just to put out this flame,
But I can't find any
Anywhere.
So I start to drink liquor,
As if that will be a cure.
Anything to make this fire go away.
And the fire in my heart is your love.
******* burning.
Suffocating my lungs with
Black smoke.
I'm not choking this time.
I'm not going ro falter.
I'm. Not going to fail.
I'm gonna climb up that ******* cliff
And dive into a deep ocean.
Submerse myself
Extinguish myself.
The flame in my heart
Will be forced to subside.
The flame in my heart
Once refused,
Will die.

The blackness of everything
Falls away.
Decay
Decaying.
No looking back.
You should have stayed.
Naked.
Bare.
Strip down to your nonexistent
Underware.
Flesh only lasts til the sun comes up.
Stare into my eyes
And you'll find
Nothing.
Emptiness consumes me
From the inside
Out.
Get out of my mind.
I'm ******* dead
Inside.
If only I had the strength
To take my life.
I would.
In a heartbeat.
A moment in time.
No thoughts resonate
Don't hesitste.
Just *******.
Break my ******* spine.
You'll always be mine.
Suffocate me.
Make me beg.
Make me feel.
More.
I feel nothing
All of the time.
Hurt me.
Make me rhyme.
The rythmic
Movement of
Two bodies entwined.
The darkness inside.
The black hole of life.
**** feeling.
Always stuck
Repeating time.
Fast forward
And stop.
Or just pause
On replay.
Why didn't you stay?
Why the **** didn't you stay?
I give up.

Boom
Boom
Boom
Shots of shots
Down throats.
Burning.
Yearning.
Hide your guts.
Hide your ******* feelings.
Everything is meaningless,
And forgettable.
Like words unsead.
Naked in bed.
Get up and dust yourself off.
Just another notch.
Just an her notch.
You're not the first to be tasted.
Bruises only last so long.
Sing a song.
Sing a song
Of life without you
Without you.
Everything feels wrong
It's wrong.
It's wrong dude
I don't know how to carry on without you.
Just tie me down.
Tie me up.
I give up
I give up.
I give up.
I wish I had the ******* strength
To end my ******* life.
Here's to a life full of wishful behavior.
Never really getting what you want.

Some drink to remember.
I drink to forget.
To forget the unforgettable.
The words you said.
"No one will ever love you as much as I do."
But there is no truth in lies.
The truth is found in someone's eyes.
Telling a depth of stories.
One tries to hide.
Hide from your mind
Drift away.
Into the abyss.
Down the rabbit hole.
You'll never find your soul.
But somewhere in the darkest parts
That you try to hide,
You might find me.
Too bad it will be too late.
You will regret the choices you make.
Don't ever look back.
Run from your mistakes.
**** the replaying of tapes.
Begin again.
Rewrite a future life.
No looking back.
Don't relapse.
It's ok to ******* collapse.
Fall to the floor and scream.
Your past is only but a dream.
It's just a dream.
It's just a ******* dream.
Wake up!
Wake the **** up!
Wake up and see.
See me.
Going blind.
You're going blind again.
But memories don't last forever.
Apparently they only last as long as it takes to put your clothes back on.
Existance is a ******* joke.

I breathed you in for the last time.
Crying eyes
While our bodies entwined.
Intensity in asphyxiation.
Your heart suffocates mine.
Collapsed lungs,
Breathing heavy.
I wish we were steady.
Standing on two feet.
One path to lead.
Hands entwined
Down dark tunnels
Leading us to the light.
It's dim,
But it still shines.
You're always in the back if my mind.
In the hiding place
I need to keep you.
Safe
And sound.
Never to be found again.
There's no such thing as light.
I'm bound
To life
Without you.

Existance is a ******* joke.
I hope another country drops bombs
And we all ******* die.
The glorious last dance with life.
It's peaceful in the abyss.
Moving through darkness.
Kissing lips.
Lying to yourself.
"You can pick up the pieces and move forward"
But your mind is stuck on replay.
It may shuffle,
But the song keeps repeating.
Swallow,
Sniff,
Repeat.
Swallow,
Sniff,
Repeat.
And down
Down
Down
You go.
I have no ******* soul.
My heart is already controlled.
My mind is not my own.
So what do I have left?
What's left for me?
A ******* universe
A universe
Of dreams.

Shoved against a wall,
hands entwined
Overhead with mine.
Two souls slow dancing.
Slowing time.
Your body against mine.
Flightless bird,
Just make a sound.
Bound to memories
Bring me down.
Down to earth.
Where I can breathe
At a steady pace.
Plant my two feet in one place.
Forward moving.
A revolving door
With no exit sign.
You helped me shine,
If only for an instance
Before snuffing out the fire.
The flame in my heart is dying.
The wax is melting
And the concave
Of my chest,
Hollow it be
It will not rest.
Still it beats.
A steady rythm,
Ruthless and untimed.

I just wish there was another chance to make it right.
After all, you are my light.
The sun to my moon.
Dancing in synopses
Of picturesque form.
Never knowing eachother as a whole.
Only parts in passing flow.
Substance to suffice
The passing of time.
But what will really happen down the line?
Can you honestly say you'd be content without me in your life?
I'll gladly disappear if that's what you'd like.
Maybe that's what needs to happen.
Picture a life
Where I don't exist.
Can you?
Because I cant.
Ever growing.
Ever changing.
A binding engagement.
I never would have said yes
If I knew that life would lead to this.
I honestly wish I could forget.
And that my memories weren't tied to regret.
Honestly the only regret I have
Was ******* up so ******* bad.
To the point in life where I lost you.
I lost you and you're never coming back.
It's really time to face the facts.
Succombing to a fate that you hate to choose.
Always in the position to lose.
I do.
I do.
I do.
I wish we would have made it
To the Isle
To the song we picked out
For the first dance.
It was all picturesque.
I wish I never would have made a plan.
For a future.
Because now that everything is lost
And makes no sense.
It's hard to see a clear happy end.
I honestly can't even hear the name jess.
Without going back
To hope with no end.
It's just sadly not the case.
I need to learn to live my life without seeing your face.
But what if I cant?

One day I looked into a mirror and felt at home with myself.
I was the one and only thing I needed.
I needed to find myself.
I could look back and be ashamed or discouraged.
Coupled with feelings of regret.
But it's not worth it.
I'll always be forward moving.
With one foot in front of the other.
Time stands still for no one.
You are the only representation of you that will ever be.
You're a gift.
Love yourself first
And the rest will follow.
Only time can tell.
Only time will heal.
Sometimes the wounds will never close,
But atleast you'll be strong enough
To know.
Recognize.
There is beauty in all aspects of life.

I'll be honest in saying,
There's only one person who's come close.
To the euphoric feeling
Enveloping my soul.
The opposite of her.
Giving in to feeling.
I was ok before I wasnt.
I'm not.
I think everyone just needs to leave me alone.
Because I'll never believe you'll stay.
Your lust will last
A mere day.
Throw me in the gutter
I'll wash down the drain.
Never to be heard from again.
I'd rather not exist.
Let my life succomb to substance.
Fade in.
Fade out again.
Living life by playing pretend.
None of this is real.
I don't exist.

Two months
Until it's been a year.
My greatest fear.
You're never coming back.
I don't know if I can live with that fact.
What the **** is the point?
Baring your body with
No soul.
Infinite paths
One road.
Hiding all the parts of you
That only she knows.
I want to grow.
But I don't know if I can.
Memories holding me back again.
Impending doom
Weighing me under.
And your voice is still my favorite sound.
Still no comfort to be found.
The tables are turning.
And I'm still yearning.
I'm meant to be six feet down.
Undergound.
No ******* sound.
Your voice still makes me bound.
I'm choking on the words I said.
The words you clearly never meant.
Life makes no ******* sense.

I just want you to wrap me up in your arms.
Tell me everything will be alright.
You're the only voice that calms the war in my mind.
Why didn't you fight?
I was growing stronger.
And you took flight.
Destroying the most guarded part.
My heart.
I'm a tin man
In a wizard of Oz.
Please just let me find the man behind the curtain.
Something to believe in.
I need a new *****.
I need to be able to breathe again.
How much more time will have to be wasted?
On letting go.
On the downfall.
I just want to stand tall.
But I cant.
You will always be the other half of my whole.
Soul on soul.
So much more than anything I've ever known.
But I know nothing.
Was that even a true life feeling?
What is real?
How do you deal?
Washing my life down a drain
Seems easier than dealing with all this ******* pain.
I gave up before.
And I'll do it again.
And again.
And again.
And again.

I don't think you know how hard it is for me.
Pretending.
Pretending like you mean nothing.
tears in my eyes
Waves and riptides.
On the surface,
Everything is alright.
Deep down
Deep down inside
I can't articulate the turbulence
Entwined.
Your soul and mine.
Flightless bird
Uplifting.
The sheer sound of your voice
Makes me drown.
Provoking emotion
I resolve to not have at all.
Don't you feel so ******* tall.
On the pedestal I put you on.
You'll never fall.
Leaves blow in the wind
And the trees start to die.
Such a beautiful sight
Still you're the only thing on my mind
Even in a sober light.
I'm tired of this fight.
Only you.
Only you.
How many times until we get this right?
It's ******.
You gave up.
You gave up.
Now all is lost.
Love doesn't exist.

I think I'm just gonna start writing about *******.
Like love.
And the moments between when you're born and when you die.
Surely,
Your last breath is the most peaceful
In life.
Living is always easier with eyes closed.
Abiding
Conforming.
Doors closed.
You don't see.
A big picture.
Full of promise,
And hope.
Life's fading in
A bag of dope.
I wanna hold on to hope.
Promises of a tomorrow,
That will never come.
Eyes glowing like the sun.
It's easier to run.
**** facing
This confinement of feelings.
Feeling is over rated.
It's not worth fighting.
It's never gonna fade.
Time is at a stand still.
On the moment
Your eyes met mine.

Hope's love lost.
The weight of the universe.
In a four letter word.
Words are meaningless.
Eyes bare the soul.
Eyes lie in depths.
Deeper feeling,
Deeper regrets.
Killing noise
With substance.
Solitary confinement.
Vines bind us.
Taring deep into wrists.
Leaving a plethora
Of white slits.
Unwanted.
Thrown out.
I'm a black plastic trash bag.
Filled with red solo cups.
A whisky lullaby
On display.
Wax paper escape.
Goodbye,
Adios.
Falling down the rabbit hole.

I've been told before,
That it's ok to care.
Hands running through
Dark hair.
Fingers entwine.
Let your body
Fall into mine.
You do know that all of this
That all of this is meaningless,
Right?
Your presence isn't gonna make
My future bright.
Just another regret,
That I choose not to regret.
Just another regret,
My mind will soon forget.
You'd be wise to do the same.
Lose my number
And pretend
Pretend you don't even know my name.

I feel like I need substance to forget your name.
Stopping dead in my tracks.
Your presence resonates.
Please, I beg, for your presence to escape me.
Erase the memory.
I can't live with you
In the back of my mind.
Time times infinity will still not be enough time.
Your presence provokes a sadness within.
The only thing I have left is a paper and pen.
Words accumulating.
Words are meaningless, and forgettable.
But your love,
Your love will always ******* last.
I can't keep living in the past.
There's no such thing.
Your love is everlasting.
Even if it is just a one way feeling.

I'm glad you told me you don't love me.
Because it's the worst pain I will ever have to face.
And I deserve it.
I deserve it for being such a disgrace.
All I can ever do is hope to be better than the person I was.
And I feel compelled to care.
I feel compelled to be more.
But in my heart of hearts
I know nothing will ever compare.
I'm nothing without you.
Repetitive lines.
My ocean bringing my soul to a steady shore.
Untouchable memories.
That I wish would fade.
I wish they would just die away.
You're my soul mate.
What life is really worth living,
Without the other half of your being?
You complete me.
You completed me.
No more.

I never want to remember, yet it hurts to forget.
Tears flow like my regrets.
A water fountain.
A shock wave.
Of feelings.
Why can't I just let you go?
Why can't your presence just escape my heart?
I wish for nothing more than to not be torn the **** apart.
They say time heals all wounds,
But the wounds I feel aren't surface scars.
They cut deep within.
I'm not whole.
I'm not a melody without you.
My harmony.
My solid ground.
My love.
You were my riptide.
Yet you were the steadiest motion in my ocean.
Joy and hope
Joy and hope.
You kept my life afloat.
It hurts the most
To know we just can not be.
I wish we knew ourselves
Individually.
The love I have will live inside me until I die.
Never fading.
No replacing.
Nothing will ever compare.

I feel like a piece of me is always missing.
I'm not whole.
Nor will I ever be.
I tried to fight.
I try to pretend like I'm whole.
But I'll never hold my own heart.
I can never give it to someone else.
She has it
She will always have it.
Forever and a day.
Forever and always.
I don't care what depths of hell
I had to endure.
She will always be the cure.
She will always be my true north.
My compass star.
No other will ever even compare.
Tear filled eyes.
Struggling to breathe.
Over a ******* feeling.
I don't want to feel.
I don't want to feel anymore.
Just take me away.
Use me.
**** me up.
Pain is a replacement.
Death is always more peaceful
Than life.

Finding an escape in a maroon bag.
I'm almost out.
Three just wasn't enough.
It lasted awhile,
But the euphoria doesn't last long.
This feeling reminds me of you.
Touching me.
It's the closest thing
To the feeling of love.
Replacement.
I resent myself.
I wish nothing ever ******* happened.
Then I wouldn't feel the lack.
The lack of everythig good and bad.
All at once.
You always were my compass star.
You were the truest north
In my universe.
I'm sorry I'm so ****** up.
How many times does "I'm sorry"
Have to escape from my lungs?
I resolve to not have any emotions.
I don't want to let myself feel.
Except when it comes to you.
I can't stop.
I can't do anything to escape
The prison of everything.
Consuming my being.
Confining.
Suffocating.
******* suffocate me.
Choke me until I beg for air.
Bruise my body all over.
I liked seeing our lust
As a painting
On my body.
I was your canvas for the night.
Fingers deep in my air way.
Broken glasses.
Broken promises.
I promised myself
I'd never let you have me again.
It hurts.
It hurts so ******* bad.
I'm going mad.
I belong in a ******* hospital bed.
A future promised.
You promised me.
You promised you'd always love me.
That I'd never be alone.
I can't do this without you.
You were my ******* god.
I worshiped you.
You were my hope.
You were everything.
Everything.
And now I have ******* nothing.
I feel like nothing
Without you.

I had a spur of the moment
Random decision.
To turn left and take the bridge.
I saw you walking.
I saw you.
You saw me.
And when our eyes met
I felt a rattling feeling in my ribcage.
I shook like a leaf on a tree.
That same nervous anxiety
I get before I read my words
To a group of people.
What does that even mean?
What does it mean to have randomly been put on a path where I would see you again?
It hurt to see you.
A stinging, aching hurt.
And now all I want to do is break down and cry.
But I wont.
I might still uncontrollably feel these things inside.
But I won't let myself break.
I won't let myself really feel it.
After all,
You're the one who doesn't love me.
All that's left is to pick up all of the broken pieces
and move forward.
I just never thought
a mere eye locking moment would send shivers down my spine.
I never thought seeing you again would be like having a heart attack.

I don't care what hell you've put me through.
I'm not an innocent party.
I've ****** up too.
But I won't sit here and deny,
You're the love of my life.
I'll always sink into your eyes.
You were hell bent on saying goodbye
There are deeper ties.
Deeper threads.
Bringing us back,
Again and again.
I don't want to let go.
Always having to adjust to the word "no"
The seasons change,
But your favorite was always fall.
Leaves falling,
As your body fell into mine.
It wasn't just lust
It was love.
Body on body.
Souls entwining.
I know the only way
You thought I'd give up,
Was to tell me you didn't love me enough.
But you do.
Don't deny it.
Our past doesn't define us.
Soulmates speak volumes.

I guess triggers are a real thing.
Causing people to remember sheer pain.
It's hard not knowing.
Letting it all in.
Succombing to
Overcoming.
I breathe closer
To clarity.
If only
If only
My heart would stop beating.
If only my chest would stop aching.
If only the tape would stop replaying.
Decaying in a life coffin.
Six feet down.
Still I wear a crown
Of rust.
Picking up the pieces.
Brushing off the dust.
Inching towards the gratification of a name.
Nothings the same.
Ever since that day.
Forcefully taken away.
Gone.
Gone.
In a ******* whirlwind.
A tornado of feelings.
I don't ******* fit in.
I'm a rare breed
You'll never ******* know me.
Emotions exist to people who feel
And I don't feel a ******* thing.

Substantial substance.
Trying to conquer the divide.
Nothings right.
Losing you was the worst thing in my life.
I need you to be alright.
I wish I could feel you.
Explosions in the sky.
Look me in the eyes.
Stare into my soul.
Tell me all those ******* years weren't meaningful.
You still hold my heart.
Tight hands,
Steady grasp.
Encompassing my world.
Your name speaks volumes.
I can't talk about it.
I can't breathe.
Vomiting from dark things.
I've turned to the worst
Overpassing time.
Time wasted
On memories.
Lost.
It's all ******* lost.
Searching through darkness.
Dead forests
And dead trees.
Branches buckling
Under my feet.
Searching.
Yearning.
Where are you?
My heart drops
Every time our eyes meet.
**** the past
Begin again.
Just love me for who I am.
I promise
I promise
I'll never let go.

So glad to see you think I'm doing well.
But honestly,
I've been in a living hell.
You still resonate in my mind
Reminiscing on the times
Talking about time.
Talking about perceptions of perception.
A euphoria in listening to you rhyme.
How are things going?
Have you learned the same lesson a second time?
Are you in that same box as before?
I understand love is what made you go back to her.
I guess everything is about the persuit of happiness.
The light is bright at the end of dark tunnels.
Living color blind.
Breaking.
I'm in a bind.
The same vines that used to consume you,
Are now holding me back too.
And though I don't think either of us will ever be free,
I guess it's a life lesson.
Times three.

Down.
Down.
Down.
Into the rabbit hole.
You'll never find your soul.
You'll never be the other half of a whole.
Advances of disadvantages.
Disregarded deep rooted feelings.
You never ******* knew me.
Evading sleep patterns.
Dark dreams.
Twisting and turning.
**** me.
I'm ******.
Last hug.
Last love.
Last trust.
**** lust.
A future of failure.
Suspending disbelief.
Eyes wide,
But I can not see.
It's dark in the color patterns.
Of different bags.
Landslide.
Cliff hang.
Drop to your knees and ******* beg.
Filling voids with flesh.
Surrenity in superstition.
Arms length,
Never breaking the surface.
Surface scars.
Surface bruises.
Bruised egos.
The truth loses.
Always ******* losing.

How did you,
How did you walk away so easily,
Out of the door
and into another's arms?
Just because,
Just because
I didn't dress trendy enough.
Just because I wasn't aware of pop culture up to your standards.
Was it ever even really love?
In those nine years was I ever enough?Please just tell me the truth.
Because I can't take the wondering
All the ******* time.
Losing time was enough.
I sit here and I try to be tough.
I try to hold it together.
Hold my composure.
Enough is enough.
I'll never be good enough.
And those times that you made me feel like
I could fly,
Were equally matched with times you made me feel like I wanted to die.
Why?
Why?
Why did you ever swoop in and try
To save me at 17?
Hopes lost.
It's hard enough.
It was hard enough.
Before your presence made it more rough.
I ******* give up.
I give up.
Deleted and blocked.
Deleted and blocked,
But you're still a ******* thought.

How many of you would like to know me?
Because I'm an open book, and that has been said to be a crime.
But I can sit here and tell you about my life thus far, from a to z, all of the things that have haunted me.
A product of divorce.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Trauma consumes me.
And all I can do is just keep breathing.
Most days I'm thankful to do just that.
To open my eyes.
To realize.
And acknowledge the beauty in all things.
Drugs started me on falling in love with dead trees.
Getting on my knees and begging,
Please.
Please.
Don't think the words you speak about me.
17 to 26.
Packing concrete into a broken foundation, just for a quick fix.
Drunken mistakes.
Violent shakes.
Unpulled triggers.
All causing me to grow bigger.
Inside.
Inside.
Most times, always pondering why?
Most times wanting to ******* die.
Being willing canceled out the unwilling.
Times you search for deeper healing.
Deeper meaning.
Deeper ******* feeling.
And in the end, all you ever have is yourself.
You alone have to be good enough.
3 am thoughts.
Coping mechanisms can surely be taught.
But they don't ******* work.
Because I'm always left distraught.
What else have I to cover?
When I was a child, I used to hover.
Witnessing shadows beneath the covers.
And dead bodies really do get stiff and cold.
Never enough for anyone to just hold.
Binges of binges.
Lies untold.
Just trying to find another old soul.
Lies untold.
Solice in silence.
Two years a prisoner.
Suicide attempts,
And hospital beds.
Copious amounts of pills.
Provoking a complex
Of conformity.
Breaking free.
**** normality.
Opening eyes
But what do I see?
Is all of this really me?
It's not.
My depths go deeper than these words.
I soar higher than birds.
And you'll never really ******* know me.

I miss your love.
Always like the tide.
An ocean bringing someone to shore.
Or finding a steady path on my own two feet.
Loving myself.
Being enough to myself.
To let me breathe.
But I still miss you..
And I wonder,
Endlessly,
Will I ever find that again?
Will anyone ever love me as much as you did?
Do you still?
I can't take much more of cheap thrills.
I like climbing mountains,
And diving deep depths.
Feeling full from someone's surface within.
I need.
I ******* need
Someone to stimulate me.
I need the earth to move,
Under my feet.
I need the riptides to drown me.
I need to suffocate.
I need to suffer from silence.
I already am.
And again,
Where are you?
Where are you
In life,
when you should be with me.
I don't use the word need.
But I need you.
I need you.
See me.
Free me.