I leave her there, in that quiet room.
A child, buried, too dark to bloom.
I know no tears or words she’ll share.
Clenching silence like her bear.

The door clicks shut. I walk away,
Pretending I can face the day.
Forgotten? No, but flinched in fear.
Cries unyielding, I can hear.

She sobs where memory wraps her tight,
I want to say, ‘You’ll be alright’.
But I’d be lying, would not be fair,
The weight of hope I can't repair.

Between the sessions, life resumes,
With lists and masks and open wounds.
How do I smile? What do I say?
When shards of me are locked away.

I want to break the rules and run,
Unpick the threads of mess I’ve spun.
To try and be her strength within,
But therapy has walls built in.

I know the work is slow and steep,
I climb with wounds that breathe and bleed,
I leave her there, it’s what we need.
But we don’t know what healing means.

Still learning how to bring her home.
One day, perhaps, I’ll hold her close,
And teach her that she has the right,
To stay with me, and see the light.

Until then, I remain defiled,
Failing, still, that inner child.

Breathe in
A shallow gentle wave,
Try to anchor, be calm, be brave.
Breathe out
And feel warmth from the sun,
Focus now, don’t come undone.

Be present
But the past returns,
Heart starts racing,
Acid burns.
I try to feel the chair, the floor,
But memories intrude once more.

How hard it is to sit and stay,

Inside the truth, not drift away.
My thoughts still beg to just appease,

Deny myself, to aim to please.

Hateful thoughts now scream and shout,

But with each breath I’m breaking out.
It hurts. It's hard. I shake. I cry.

But I am learning not to lie.
To feel is not a fatal flaw,

Breathe in, breathe out
Just try once more.

My lungs forget what they should know,

To take in air, then let it go.
Each breath in, a ragged gasp,
Each breath out, I beg my last.

Not fight or flight
But frozen still,
Being forced against my will.
But still I breathe, through panic's grip,
Breathe in, breathe out each shallow sip.

There’s a fire inside my chest,
I didn’t light.
An acid burn beneath my ribs,
That tightens night by night.

A sadness pooled behind my eyes,
Too deep to even cry.
A practiced silence choked by fear, Mutes the question: “why”?

Guilt curdles in my stomach like a rotten loaf of bread,
A hunger for an answer, that feeds itself instead.

Shame strangling me by the throat,
I’m gagging to inhale.
Desperate, shallow breaths I gasp,
Keep living, mustn’t fail.

My heart still beats but aches and bleeds with what I never say,
A scream, a sob, a whisper of the truth that’s held at bay.

It’s pushing up, it must come out,
The rage, the grief, the visceral shout.
But for the mess I would create,
I shut it down and lock the gate.

But I feel.
In every part of me,
The pain, the plea to be set free.
And someday, maybe, let it spill,
and trust that breaking just might heal.

Half a century -
A number that should mean something.
Not old, not young -
Just drifting in the middle,
With a weight that time forgot to lift.

Decades -
Were not a life,
But wounds I’m told were mine to hide.
I have learned to laugh without joy,
To breathe without peace,
To carry myself like a secret no one wants to know.

Each year -
Another stone upon the heap,
Recurring thoughts and restless sleep.
“It’s never too late”
Except it is,
To learn new tricks,
Finding ways to try and fix,
The broken.

But each second -
I'm still here.
Not healed.
Not whole.
But still.

And maybe that counts.
Maybe survival isn’t the same as healing,
But it’s defiance.
A kind of whisper that says
‘Still alive, and counting’.

So I sit in this dusk of my years,
Watching what’s left of the sky,
And I wonder,
If there’s still time
for something softer
to grow.

No glass in the mirror,
No string in the blinds,
Bag searched for things to hurt me,
Observed to be kind.

Be kind to this broken wreck of a shell?
With meds and talking, could I become well?

Don’t give me hope,
It’s further to fall.
I’m not strong, not able
To ever stand tall.

Strangers - who all know unbearable pain,
All hoping to never feel this again.
Or maybe we’re all expecting to fail?
So they’ll all say ‘she tried - but to no avail’

Loved ones can then know,
They did all they could.
That we tried and we cried,
But were misunderstood.
I really don’t want to pass on this pain.
But I’m too tired, too useless,
To fight this again.

I’m trying it all.
The talking, the feeling,
The breathing through the burn.
The writing, the crying,
The silence that I yearn.

People say that I’m strong,
That I’m worth the fight.
But their words can’t get through,
Through the endless night.

I smile when I’m supposed to, joke like I know.
Pressure to feel better, to keep up the show.

But I’m breaking so quietly.
Behind closed eyes and doors,
Each day feels more like I’m losing some more.
I’m scared that time is not on my side,
That this pain will win,
It’s too practiced to hide.

I want to believe them.
I must.
I care.
But what if I can’t ever let them in there.

No voices, no noise, just me and my thoughts.
The thoughts that I try every day to out run.
They burn me, they cut me, so deep in the night.
You’re not enough.
You’re too much.
You’re nothing.
They’re right.

But I smile in the daylight,
“I’m healing” I say.
I know that I’m trying, every day.

Because people want progress - not truth, not the toll.
Not the ugly storms that swallow me whole.

But I am not brave,
Thoughts stronger than I am.
And tonight in the darkness
I don’t know if I can.
Thrive?
Just survive?

So sad, so alone – just with my twisted mind.
It circles like a vulture
Waiting ‘til I die.

Silence isn’t peace,
It’s a trap
A room with no windows
Until you collapse.

“Be what they need”
Bright, strong and fine.
But I’m not fine, I’m afraid
Of stillness, rejection
Of myself.
Of shade.

I want to be happy,
Let the past rot behind me
But it follows, it bullies, it claws its way back.
Despite the kind words, and the care that surrounds me.
I can’t hear.
Pain screams louder than that.

There's a hole inside I can't seem to fill,
The more kindness they pour, the more it spills.
How do I trust, not question why?
I’ve learnt to recoil from warmth like a lie.
Inside me it echoes, sharp and curt
“You're not worth their love. You're meant for hurt.”

They say that I matter
World better with a “me”
But all I can feel is how they’re deceived.
Like they’ll take their love back
As soon as they see -
The wreck underneath.
The ugly.
The me.

I want to heal, I really do.
I try and hold on,
Believe and reach out.
But their hands feel surreal, so full of doubt.
The trauma dug deep, a truth that I breathe.
Some days I’m so scared that no-one will reach
The hollowed out parts,
The shame held beneath.

They’ll grab onto the rose, but they must be warned
It’s so far from blooming
They’ll be hurt by its thorns

Just be curious, just challenge - “What if they’re wrong?”
What if I’m not the burden.
The mistake.
The too-much, too-broken, too-worthless thing they told me I was?

The thought terrifies me more than hate ever did.
At least hate is certain. At least it makes sense.
But now - People say kind things and mean them.
They stay.

They say that I matter. They say that I’m needed.
And I don’t know what to do with those words.
They burn in my chest like a truth I wasn’t built for.
And if they’re right?
I will have to relearn.
Everything.
Like a child who’s only ever been taught to flinch.

How do you believe you should live, when you’ve only learnt how to survive?
I feel like I’m standing
On the edge…terrified.
Not death,
But hope.
And I don’t know how to move forwards
When behind me is dark and ahead there is light,
I don’t feel I deserve.
Please help me to fight.

I sat shaking with pain, a silent guest,
No words to hush it into rest.
Its edges sharp, its shadow wide,
It’s stabbed beneath my ribs to hide.

In quiet rooms where healing grew,
I found a place, a safety - new.
But even here the heart would race,
Is peace for me a borrowed place?

Now homeward beckons with both light and lead,
With hope, but unfounded fear I dread.
What will they see behind my smile?
Is it too soon to walk this mile?

Will they believe the spark I’ll show?
Or sense the storms still ebb and flow?
I carry calm like a fragile thread, dreams that love and joy are fed.
It’s so hard to speak of wounds so near,
To show I’m better, yet so unclear.

But I will I go, with trembling grace.
Back to the world, to find my place.
To cuddle those I hold so dear.
To hold them tight and keep them near.
Each heartbeat peace into my core,
Hoping someday to win this war.

I’m back inside - our house, our home.
Familiarity surrounds.
Sounds and smells, and bits of me,
Reminders of what used to be.

The sofa feels like old terrain, it’s cushions shaped by who I was.
But I sit down and feel the space.
Where something’s missing.
Just because.

“How am I feeling?” I reply, “I’m fine”

Smile half-real.
What do you name the hollowed-out?
How do you name what you feel?

Mail stacked up, grass so long
Small signs that time has carried on.
Though I’m not sure what I return to them.
When the floor still creaks beneath my tread,
I know I’m alive, but somewhere else instead.

I’ll flicker here, a half-lit flame.
Not fully here, but still I came.
I’m in motion, life still mine.
I’ll try so hard to thrive, with time.

Stolen moments with my wife,
Needing to stay, stay in her life.
And then the kids - their world’s so small.
Music thumping through the floor.
To slammed-shut doors and wanting more.

But it is sweet, this mess, this spark,
The chaos that ignites the dark.
I hold it close, yet flinch inside.
Breaking when I used to glide.

I smile, I nod, I play my part,
But panic claws behind my heart.
How can I hold their soaring skies?
When mine are stitched with silent cries?

How do I cheer when I’m so tired?
A flickering flame, but still no fire.
Still, I reach for that dancing sun,
For fleeting moments where we’re one.

Let them not see the cracks I hide
The tears that fall because I’ve lied.
Let them remember laughter’s song,
Not how I feared I can’t stay strong.

For love is fierce, and love is wide.
Even when it hurts inside.
So I breathe in slow, I try to appear
Not far away, but oh so near.

Some daily life, some jobs done,
some simply ‘being’ in the sun.
But time to say ‘goodbye’ again.
To find the light through clouds of pain.

In stillness guilt now takes its root,
A love that tastes like bitter fruit.
I leave to fight a war inside.
Not run, but rest.
Not fall, not hide.

Alone, but lonely even more,
Each mile away cutting my core.
Not your fault, my wounds to tend
To mend for you, my wife, my friends.

If I can start to heal this soul
It’s not just me who’ll then be whole
So I must go with heavy grace
To meet next time in a kinder place.

Was so hard to leave when love is there,
In every whispered, held-back tear.
In every morning not yet broken,
In every laugh and word not spoken.

I see you there, so strong, so still.
My heart breaks twice, against my will.
Once for the pain I’ve put you through,
And once because I can’t stay too.

I had to go to try get well,
Not of your doing, but in which you dwell.
Adventures wait, if I endure.
If healing’s path can make me sure.
I will survive this storm, this guilt.
This house of sorrow I have built.

I see you carry what I’m unable,
With stoic strength, I know you’re able.
I’m so sorry, that it is like this.
That joy feels edged by an abyss.
But I’m so grateful, through the ache.
You give warmth I cannot fake.

Please know this parting’s not goodbye,
But just a pause beneath our sky.
A breath between the now and when.
A hope to hold until we’re then.

When I come back, it’s for your light.
The way you anchor me at night.
I’ll fight this shadow, find my shore,
So we can laugh, and love, and more.

For now, I left but not to flee.
To go and find the rest of me.
And when I win this quiet war,
We’ll write the life we’re longing for.

So hard to start again not flee.
Instinct to run, to fight, to freeze
Once a response to howls by moon,
A sharpened sense.
A primal tune.

But now it thuds behind my eyes,
A terror wrapped in silent cries.
Where shadows stretch like daunting screams,
dissolving into restless dreams.

I choke on words I never say,
And ache to let the rivers flow.
To scream and sob and simply be,
But still afraid to let it show.

A vicious cycle I now know
Healing starts by breathing slow.
So much practice I must do.
But I’m learning, still, safe and true.

One night over, induced into sleep.
Today will be harder, I will have to speak.
To smile and be friendly,
To cry and be raw.
To show ugly scars that I want to ignore.

I feel the pain rise,
I tremble and shake.
Is this fear?
Maybe it’s fear I will break?

I constantly feel so deserving of pain,
so ******* worthless,
My guilt and my shame.
Me I should hate.
Me that should die.
Tortured no longer for not knowing why.

I need to not be sorry for the space I take.
For the air that I breathe.
For the sound I make.
Try not to whisper ‘sorry’ - for just being here.
Have I not earned my love, each smile, each hug, each year?

I need to learn now, to get up off the floor.
To try and find my fury, it’s just, it’s raw.
I need to search for anger’s thread,
Not to cut it out, but see where it’s led.

To speak it soft, not swallow it whole
To accept it’s there, not to shatter my soul.
I’m so homesick.
For my wife, I long.
Music so loud I could sing along.
I know she loves me for all of who I am.
Broken, aching
Human.

I remember that day, the shelves of dusty books.
And me, suspended in the hush.
Shoulders shaking so quietly, hoping not to be seen.
But you saw
You passed by
Eyes flickering over my tear-stained face like I was just part of the room.

Just a child.
Not the storm, barely contained.
You didn’t ask.
You didn’t sit.
You didn’t even stop.

Is this resentment I’ve carried?
Silently in my heart like a stone.
Hardening around the edges with the thing I couldn’t say?
What he did.
How it felt.
How wrong it all was,
and how I was to blame?

If you’d asked me, just a gentle word –
“What’s wrong, love?”
Maybe you’d have heard?
Maybe the shame wouldn’t have rooted.
Maybe I’d have learned to speak
Instead of hide.
But you didn’t.
And I did.
And it’s taken decades to peel back the silence
To name - if only to myself,
What has been so heavy to carry.

Resentment.

And I wonder...

If you’d known what you were walking past
Would you have stopped?
Would you ask me now?
Because
I hope I would answer.
Somehow.

I'm coming home, where voices call.
With love that wraps around it all.
They wait with hope I cannot see,
Yet I’m pieces of who I used to be.

They need my fire, my laugh, my light.
But I’m bruised and battered from this fight.
I'm shattered in ways I can't explain.
A heart that breaks with silent pain.

I love them more than breath or skin,
But don’t know what I hold within.
What can I give when I’m run dry?
A ghost beneath a living sky?

I’ve got to go, though burdened, slow.
For even embers faintly glow.
I hope my love,
Though frayed and small,
Will be just enough for them all.

A silence hangs where hunger hides,
And all I want is what's inside.
I wish they knew I’d understand,
The aching pain, I know firsthand.

Too tall inside a breaking shell,
The secret wars we never tell.
I've walked that road, I know its cost,
The parts of self that can be lost.

My words feel weightless,
I feel blame.
But shame and love can feel the same.
And I am tired - too bruised to fight.
The shadows still outgrow the night.
I flinch at every small demand,
Can't hold the world with one weak hand.

No tears will fall,
No space to break.
Too scared of adding to their ache.
But my child, if you see me true,
I’d carry your pain, as I carried you.
My silence isn’t strength or pride
It’s fear not being enough a guide.
Just know I’m here, though words may flee,
You are not alone.
You are safe with me.

They sit in shadows, just out of reach.
A tide pulling away from the beach.
Their eyes no longer search for mine,
They drift in a story, insisting they’re fine.

I held them when the nights were long.
I stitched their hurts, I made them strong.
Kissed it all better, cheered them on,
So proud of who they have become.

Every mess he made, I stood alone.
Holding it together - strong as stone.
When he’d check out of life and flee,
When absence wrapped our family tree,
11-years were left to me.

The ups and downs, the wrongs and rights.
And now he rides in like a knight.
With polished lies and twisted fate.
Writing the narrative - It’s me they should hate.

They listen now, With stolen ears,
And I’m left fighting my worst fears.
Of losing them - not to life or time,
But to a tale that isn’t mine.

I speak, but they can’t hear me still
My love not loud enough to fill
The gap that lies between our days
His falsehoods slick with gold and praise.

And what remains is grief so wide,
It echoes in the space beside
A mother’s arms, once safe and sure,
Now tremble with hurt I must endure.

But I will wait - I always do.
With a steady heart and a love that’s true.
The truth, like spring, may take its time.
But it’ll bloom one day, for they are mine.

I do not shout, I do not scream.
But must stand tall inside my dream.
You try to choke the light I keep,
But a flame still flickers somewhere deep.

You shoot your words like heavy stones,
To **** kindness, love, and break my bones.
You call me names I’d never own,
But I’ve built peace inside my home.

You say I’m less, that I’m unfit,
But I’ve felt truth and won’t submit.
My child knows my steady hands,
The warmth of love that understands.

You rage like storms, but I’m the sky.
I hold the sun, I won’t ask why.
No longer breaking by your lies,
I breathe in hope and climb up high.

I do not fight with sword or thunder,
I fight with smiles and quiet wonder.
I fight in stories that I read,
In every planted, growing seed.

You will not twist the bond I grow.
Love roots deep, and you won’t know
The pure, clean things you cannot break.
The gentle strength that I now wake.

I’ll walk with those who hold me dear.
I’ll live with light, not shame or fear.
The past may knock, but I won’t bend.
This chapter’s mine.
This pain will end.

Let me thrive, not just survive.
I’m not just here, I'm bold, alive.
And though I rise without a sound,
There’s power in the peace I’ve found.

I sit where quiet walls have held,
The shattered pieces I once quelled.
This ward, this hush, this trembling light,
Has nursed me through my darkest night.

All too soon I’ll have to leave.
Healed?
The world awaits beyond the sealed,
Safe echo of this padded room.
Out there, it swarms with noise and gloom.

I promised I’d try. I meant it too
When I looked into her eyes so blue.
So tired, yet full of fierce belief,
I promised her life, not just relief.

But how can I go when my legs still shake?
When my demons still hide, and my smile feels fake?
When awaiting work, life, every task,
Requires wearing such a heavy mask.

I feel a bit better, maybe that’s true.
But better’s not the same as new.
I’m sewn up with thread, not forged in steel,
And I don’t trust the way I feel.

Will work collapse me, sharp and fast?
Will I only repeat my haunted past?
Will spinning plates break, will voices rise?
Will silence shout behind her eyes?
Still, I said I’d try. I will.
Through mornings taste of bitter pills.
Though uncertainty looms and steps feel steep
I’ve promised more than just to keep.

To live. To stretch. To fail, then rise.
To meet the sun with open eyes.
Not every day will burn so bright.
But some will.
That’s my hardest fight.

And if I stumble, fall, or cry,
I’ll still be alive, I’ll still try.
I know that I will feel the cold.
But I’ve got hands, and hers to hold.

I’ll soon leave the light where kindness stayed,
A place of healing, warmth and grace.
Now shadows stretch across the road,
And fear reclaims its bitter place.

Peace helped healing to begin,
But now the noise comes crashing in.
Still there, hateful and unfair
His twisted words and blinded eyes,
Trying to silence me with lies.

I now have love, people who really see.
A circle strong, they’ve got me.
Their voices echo, strong and kind.
A bandage of light around my mind.

But still, I dread the strangle choke.
The ways I coped, the ways I broke.
So let me breathe, just one deep breath,
And hold the truth, not think of death.

That fear can walk beside the brave,
And healing isn't quick or straight.
I will not be what he once named.
I will not drown beneath his game.
Each day, I'll choose a gentler way,
And that, alone, will be my flame.

They see his smile,
The practiced charm.
The steady hands that do no harm.
But I have lived behind closed doors,
Where silence screams and kindness wars.

He plays the saint, irons all the creases,
Whilst I’m the one to pick up the pieces.
To twist my truth, to guard my name.
To shield my child from quiet shame.

But lies can’t bloom where courage grows,
And now it’s time that people know.
I’ll be no longer mute, or play along,
My gentleness is fierce and strong.

I dread the day she turns from me,
Believing what she thinks she sees.
But love is patient, love can wait.
It does not vanish, twist, or hate.

So let them talk, let masks deceive,
I’ll hold my truth, I will not leave.
And when the fog begins to clear,
She’ll find me standing, always near.
With open arms, and eyes that see,
The quiet, mighty strength in me.

They say I’m ready, doors open wide.
The world awaits, I’m terrified.
I’ve held my breath through hurricanes,
Learned how to name the storm.
How to sit with crippling pain,
Using ice until it warms.

In here, in soft fluorescent light, they taught me what I feel.
Out there, where silence cuts again, will I forget what’s real?
Will I fold into my old ways,
Boundaries drawn in sand?
What if my voice is lost again,
When I need to take a stand?

But - the wife, the kids, the friends who stayed, throughout the darkness wait.
They never asked me why or judged, they long beyond these gates.
I owe them not a perfect me, I know I cannot stay,
I know I can’t be free of scars, but can try day by day.

This isn’t the end of the journey, it’s the start - another way.
I don’t go back to nothing, I’ll go and I will pray.

To thrive, and not just to survive, I’ll stumble in the dark.
But I will stumble forwards, I carry now a spark.
Through future hurts
Through past’s return
Wherever my mind roams.
I know that I must go now.
Hope my path back home.

Feeling sick, feeling frightened, feeling out of control.
Fear letting that parasite out of the hole,
Where it’s bored and it’s buried, and ripped through its host.
Where it hides in the shame, haunting me like a ghost.

It’s all over, shouldn’t matter, was so long ago.
I’m lucky, compared to others, I know.

But I still feel it’s there, infecting my mind,
A slow death of shame, making me blind.

If I open the scars, will I ever repair?
If it all spills out, will anyone care?
Or reject my pathetic, say I shouldn’t be there?
**** it up and move on *****, life isn’t fair.

You’ve walked through a storm and have somehow come here.
Scraped off the ground, probably full of fear.
Now you are here, please know you are found.
In the best place, for you, where care wraps around.

Whatever the path that brought you this way,
Know this is a place where you’re safe to stay.
With listening ears and gentle hands,
The staff will meet you where you stand.

In quiet rooms or tearful talks,
In art, in rest, in nature walks.
You'll gather strength you thought had gone.
It lives in you, it still burns on.

Be kind to yourself in every small part,
Your aching thoughts, your tender heart.
This time is yours, not wasted or wrong,
Just part of the journey that helps you grow strong.

So breathe, be brave, and take your time.
The hill is steep, but you will climb.
And when it feels too much to bear,
Know healing starts because you're there.

Can I sit with this pain, if only for a moment?
Can I resist the force pulling me down?
Can I keep the lid on this pressure that’s building?
If released, I fear I will drown.

But I sat and I heard - their pain and their struggles.
The hope and the hopeless entwined.
And I did speak, in the last few minutes.
A few words were uttered aloud.

I can’t do it though can I?
Let it out and be heard.
I’ll drip feed and sob, but can’t find the words.

Don’t know what to call these emotions I feel?
So how in hell am I going to heal?

Sitting still in noisy silence
Windows open, letting in life.
Attempting to be in the moment,
Clock ticking ‘til I see my wife.

Needing to be held.
Needing to be touched.
Needing to hear that I’m worth so much.
Needing to know this is not all in vain,
To believe I have strength to live through the pain.

Just know that I tried.
Tried to face what’s inside.

I tried to be strong
I tried to breathe
But these crashing waves are overwhelming me.

I can’t stand feeling this way, despite what I try.
I just need some peace.
Please let me die.

Connecting.
Relaxing.
Reminded to breathe.
Trying to speak and breakthrough the freeze.

Forcing the words to leave my mouth,
Sticking and stumbling, I can’t get them out.
I’m a child again, fingers down my throat.
Induce the choking, get this poison out.

Then I hear their stories - women like me.
Stronger, but struggling, trying to break free.

Trying to open their broken wings
To rise up above all of the things
That trap us, that hold us, that ruin our lives.
That stole our childhoods, our voices, our time.

Our time will come,
Until then we’re one.

“How are you feeling?”
A ‘check-in’, one word.
Name an emotion you might have heard?
Say something, say anything
Anything at all.
Just try, and try harder, to break down that wall.

I can’t name it, can’t touch it, can’t hear it or see.
It’s everywhere
Yet nowhere
Full and empty.

I yearn to scream and to cry,
Not just inside.
But I can’t let it out,
I’m too terrified.

Of what I don’t know?
It’s part of the fear.

I’ll explode and I’ll shatter with nobody near
To hold me together,
To rock me to sleep,
To comfort and love me,
The hate is too deep.

We start today’s session, feet firmly grounded.
Being in the moment, safely surrounded.
“Describe what you feel using weather instead?”.
This feels more gentle,
I let go of the dread.

Then I feel it, I see it, deep in my gut.
Inky sky,
Painful rain,
Gales stealing my breath.

I write down the things that have made me believe
I am worthless, a failure, with low self-esteem.
The beliefs and the facts that all make this stack up
So clear and so blinding, I’m going to throw up.

So I run
I gag, and blood pours from my head
Left shaking and pleading for the relief to be dead.

I thought I saw a light begin
A soft, small tremble from within.
I grasped, it flared, but you took it back
Has it now gone?
I can only see black.

I’m so tired of trying to believe
Falling from hope, afraid to grieve.
If every spark just ends in pain
Why try and ever find it again?

The cracks run so deep,
Can they ever mend?
What if this pain never ends?
What if the fight isn’t mine to win?
Then there’ll be no way back in.

I opened my mouth and let the silence break.
Words of glass, a silent chime,
A voice I didn’t know was mine.

I told them the truth, or pieces of it.
The parts I could hold without falling apart.
They didn’t turn away,
No judgement.
No shame.
Just hearts open and still.

They held what I gave
And just…stayed.

I don’t yet know what healing means.
I hope that it’s soft,
Will it be slow?
Is it even meant for me?

But something moved.
Not the pain.
Not yet.
Just the knowing I don’t have to hold it alone.

Why are the nights so long?
Memories on repeat until
Silence screams and time stands still.

All these wounds I still can’t name,
But each one burns me just the same.

I trace the edge where shadows blur,

Where painful thoughts begin to stir.

The wish for it all to end, release.

A final breath,
A kind of peace.

But, for my child -

The world I’d leave,
The heart I’d break,
The cause to grieve.

But, for my wife - 

Who sees the war behind my eyes,
The fear I dress in calm disguise.
I want to go where hurt might cease,

To trade this storm for quiet peace.
But I can’t give to you what I now feel,

This grief that time may never heal.

I don’t feel strong,
I never do.

But still I wake and walk with you.

Not for me, but for the two -
Whose hearts would break if mine fell through.

Because I love them more than pain,
That must be enough,
To try again.

I fold my hands beneath the table, knees

Trembling with the weight I cannot speak,

Storms rage, waves crash, wars ******,
My body worn and weak.

My mother speaks,
Sharp words spitting from forked tongue.
She touches me. I freeze again,
Survival has begun.

That overpowering perfume chokes,
And steals the air I breathe,
I’m a child again,
Helpless, afraid.
Too late, the trigger’s squeezed.


I’m trying still to play my part,
Dutiful, compliant role.

But every word that’s fired
Burns skin,
Carves through my soul.

Eyes ache and throb,
A salty sting,
From lack of sleep and gin.

Each drink a veil,
A sip of strength,
To keep the shadows in.

I yearn to leave,
To shrink, dissolve.

To skip the part where I revolve,
Around the needs of all but mine,

To vanish, quietly, into time.

But leaving would confirm the lie,
That I’m ungrateful, wouldn’t try.

So I stay,
I play my part and swallow down my plea,
Keeping up the show we’re in
Hoping no one’s watching me.

They’ll see a woman warm and wild,

A sister, auntie, mother’s child,

Not the broken thing beneath the skin,

The war I fight to hold it in.

So here I am, with glass in hand,
With those who’ll never understand,

Smiling hard until I’m through,
Surrounded, but alone, with you.

I must be the stillness in the storm,
The light left on, the blanket warm,
The one they call when things go wrong.
To wear this mask of being strong.

The world breaks glass around my feet,
And I am handed every piece,
Sharp with blame, bloodied with pain,
Expected just to hold the strain.

They come with questions, urgent pleas.
I need to answer, but on my knees.
Of what to do, of where to turn
Whilst inside I break and burn.

My child looks at me with hopeful eyes, begging I can calm the skies. Bringing me their cries and why’s.
But whilst their world is falling down,
No one sees me start to drown.

I whisper strength I do not feel,
I learn to bend, but not to heal.
For I yearn too,
To be held,
Be heard,
Be asked what’s true –
Not just what I can do for you.

So ‘til then, I must rise once more.
Stand strong whilst waves crash on the shore.
So broken, tired but have to stay.
A lighthouse guiding through the grey.

Little girl with your blonde, knotty hair,

Clutching your teddy, soft and bare.
Why didn’t you cry?
Why didn’t you shout?

Why didn’t you say what it hurt to go without?


What did you feel you had to hide?
What locked your voice inside?
Did you know that no one would listen?
Or think that no one would care?
What’s wrong little girl, with your teddy bear?

You’re singing songs inside your head,
Trying not to hear…
“You’re selfish, ungrateful, I wish that you weren’t here”.
What did you do to make her so mad?
What was in you that was so bad?

One last blow to your head,
You bite on the arm of little ted.
Curling into a ball so tight,
Keeping the silence of the night.

You’re all grown now,
No longer small.
There are no green bottles sitting on the wall.

You’re now told you didn’t deserve the hurt you knew.

You were four.
The fault wasn’t you.

You should have been held,
Been sleeping in peace.

Not frozen in silence, afraid to release.


You should have been care-free,
Not silenced and shamed.
Should you have done more?
How?
What you bore,
You couldn’t have named.

Now I will try to speak,
for the girl you once were.
I will hold her so tight,
when the memories stir.

I will try to unlock the silence and shame.
I will try to release the tears and the pain.

For you were innocent, little one.
You were not to blame.

I have to see them,
though enslaved in rusted chains.
Clinking quietly,
Cold with dread,
Mind so etched in pain.


I have to greet them,
in that practiced way -
Unchanged, rehearsed, untrue.

How don’t they see the child who died
,
When they did what no one knew?

I burn beneath my frozen skin,
a war of guilt and duty dressed as care.

They call it love,
But love would not begin to smother me with shame and leave me there.

I can’t not go -
Though every cell protests
My presence their request.
I cannot leave -
They'll grieve,
For them, not me,
It's always been the same.

But to see them is to bleed to death - in fearful silence still.

I stand between two fires, both against my will.

There’s no escape.
I have no voice.
I brace myself to burn.
I’m just a guest, 
unheard, disturbed,
And I will never learn.

I hold this weight with trembling hands,
Strength I crave but can’t command.
The smile, the jokes, the gentle care,
All load upon the mask I wear.

I try and hold a steady light,
Fading slowly into nights,
Where storms then howl in empty space,
Darkness released to show its face.

Reflecting then the roles I play;
A mum who’s failing day by day,
A wife who loves but loses track,
The friend who tries but can’t give back.

At work, I chase a phantom bar,
Perfection’s glow always too far.
My hands are full, yet still I find,
The overwhelm, falling behind.

Now help has come, I’ve said the word,
Let out the truth I barely heard.
But healing is another task,
Another burden, another mask.

What if I’m too tired to mend?
Too worn to break and try again?
What if this help - now raw and real,
Is proof I’ll never truly heal?

But a whisper, faint, behind the doubt,
You showed up tired, but you spoke out.
And maybe that is strength enough,
Not flawless, fearless, proud, or tough.

But honest still, in quiet pain,
Letting go, hope not in vain.
Maybe enough, just as you are.
A glimmer still, beneath the scar.

Must try and rest and breathe it in,
Not every battle needs to win.
Some days enough is just to be.
Still standing,
Still trying,
Still
….me.

I try to breathe, and observe the moment.
Sounds beyond notes,
Hush between seconds,
To try and be still,
And withhold the judgment.

My pulse, a metronome
Keeping time with now.
But the past smokes through the cracks in my strength,
Dragging me back,
Into silence that howls.

My memory, a muscle
Flinching at threats gone by.
Painting shadows on the backs of my eyes,
Until daylight feels like a lie.

I try to sit still,
A collapsing star
Triggered into fusion,
The future a black hole.

Still, I breathe.
Still, I try.
Because, I am here.
I am still here.
Resisting the gravitational pull into darkness.
And that, too, is worth noticing.

A weekend planned,
A script to play,
And I must act,
No choice.
No say.

The table set with rigid fear,
Control disguised as birthday cheer.
She chose the meals, the drinks, the place.
Expects a smile worn on my face.

They call it love, this brittle hand,
But freedom's not what she demands.
It’s presence first, performance too.
And silence when it’s hurting you.

Because to say ‘this isn’t me’
Would shatter the pretence they see.
No choices left, not even small.
Not food, not voice, not will at all.

But still I’ll go,
I always do,
Guilt screams too loud, for me not to.
And when I cry once they’re asleep,
It’s just another promise to keep.

My freedom would feel worse than pain,
So I return, again, again.
A party guest without a say,
Just hoping I survive the day.

Space.
There is one that is safe,
Where thoughts are held,
Emotions felt,
A sacred, grateful place.

Here.
I am not fine.
But do not have to hide,
My torment into silence,
Or the shame and fear I twine.

Place.
This breath between the storms I’ll sit,
I’ll try and hold them still.
The tides will surge inside myself,
But I must try to heal.

Time.
I’ll try untie the knots,
Share the pain I’ve held alone.

Hope.
That I will ride the waves,
Not be overwhelmed or drown.

Peace.
May not be out of reach,
And maybe visit me.
If I can forget all I’ve known,
I’ll finally be free.

Why are the nights so long?
Memories on repeat until,
Silence screams and time stands still.
All these wounds I still can’t name,
But each one burns me just the same.

I trace the edge where shadows blur,
Where painful thoughts begin to stir.
The wish for it all to end, release.
A final breath,
A kind of peace.

But, for my child -
The world I’d leave,
The heart I’d break,
The cause to grieve.

But, for my wife -
Who sees the war behind my eyes,
The fear I dress in calm disguise.
I want to go where hurt might cease,
To trade this storm for quiet peace.
But I can’t give to you what I now feel,
This grief that time may never heal.

I don’t feel strong, I never do.
But still I wake and walk with you.

Not for me, but for the two -
Whose hearts would break if mine fell through.
Because I love them more than pain,
That must be enough. To try again.

Trapped in the push and pull of time,

A soul divided, theirs and mine.

A will to live, and a wish to die.
Wanting to drown, learning to fly.

I've known the taste of  acid rain,

The prison I have built from pain
Where fear has such a stranglehold,
And worthlessness is daily told.

To feel better feels wrong
Betrayal, almost.

Thoughts too engrained to leave their host.

This ache, my cradle, the dark, my shame,

To let it go feels much the same.


I’m edging blind towards the fire,

Not knowing if it’ll burn or inspire.
I crave the light and fear its glare,
What if I don’t deserve to live there?

What if the sun highlights my scars?

And I am left adrift, afar.
Exposed, uncertain, undefined,

No longer tethered to my mind?

The dialectic claws and cries

‘You hate the pain and feed lies,

You are blinded and have open eyes’.
So I am both the wound and healer,
The killer and the gentle feeler.


I want to change and fear the cost,
Of all I was, and all I’ve lost.
But maybe there's no clean escape,
Just softer edges on the shape.


Maybe growth is not a leap,

But choosing, slowly, what to keep.
With truths that hurt, and truths that soothe.
For in this war, I seek a truce,

A dialectic, not abuse.


Where I can learn to breathe,
To be
Myself beyond my history.

Beneath the sand, so still, so deep,
She stirred and shattered silent sleep.
A crack, a breath, a ***** of light,
The world so vast and full of night.
No voice to guide, no love to feel
But deep inside, the fire was real.

Her shell was soft, her legs were small,
But something fierce began to crawl.
With flippers firm, she braved the sand,
A single speck upon the land.
Predators with claws or beaks so wide,
Then a shell cut her inside.

She cried, but silence filled the air,
No-one to help, no-one to care.
She paused, in pain - sea far away.
“I haven’t the strength” you’d hear her say.

She bled, she limped, yet forward pressed,
A heartbeat hammered in her chest.
But on she moved, with trembling grace,
The shoreline offering embrace.

Waves teased her toes, then pulled away,
Healing can’t come in a day.
But inch by inch, the sea drew near,
Not all at once - but still, sincere.
And when it touched her broken shell
She knew “I am hurt, but will be well”.

You can see her right here,
But her eyes will not blink.
She’s zoned out in a moment,
Unable to think

She promised to love, honour, obey
She stupidly thought that she then had a say
“You and me against the world” he said
Isolated, hidden, controlled instead.

His eyes bloodshot, pupils wide
She shouted, enabled, stayed silent and cried.
Nothing could bring him back once he had switched,
She’s crazy, a ****** a mad mental *****.

She hears the door slam.
He’s so gone.
Who knows for how long?
She’s left cutting and burning,
What did she do wrong?

She’s waiting and wondering if today he’ll come home,
Or will today be the day she’s left truly alone.
He falls into the house, looks at her with disgust
It’s her fault, she made him, so with one desperate ******
He pushes, she falls. Back down the stairs
It didn’t happen, she’s lying, he’s certain, he swears.

His arm reaches over her, heavy as lead,
She prays he’s passed out so she’ll sneak out the bed.
Sometimes she’s lucky, sometimes she’s forced back,
Breathing stale whiskey until he goes slack.

Please pick up the pieces this one last time.
Let’s start again, the fault isn’t mine,
Don’t let anyone in, don’t let anyone know,
Things will be different, just keep up the show.

She breathes deep, a shudder, she blinks and she’s back.
The nightmares not real now, not under attack.
But she can’t stop returning again and again,
So scared of feeling so turning to pain,
She’s legally free now to make a new start
But her mind is imprisoned til death us do part.

I rise with the morning, but not from rest.
Just from the duty of dragging my breath into another day,
That asks too much of me already tired, from being too much.

I smile again, a practiced line.
I joke, worn like armour, to prove I’m fine.
Everything crashes around me
The world moving too fast,
My thoughts so dark surround me,
Cutting me like glass.

Small talk stings, Laughter jars.
How do you dance under such heavy stars?

Fear clings like mist to each simple task.
Shadowed weight, beneath the mask.
Love feels borrowed, spread so thin.
A spark that dies, before it begins.

There’s a rainbow there above this grey,
A whisper of colour, I’ll see one day.
They say storms end.
They say light comes.
But this storm repeats, relentless drums.

My healing waits on some far shore,
And I can’t swim anymore.

Still breathing, just.
Still trying, must.
But for how long?
I cannot trust.