She told me to write you a letter
An idea I never thought of  
Because In my brain you are no longer there
Or that’s what I like to think
I don’t think I will ever understand why you were a dad to my brothers and not me
That is what I would think
I’ll never understand why you couldn’t fix yourself
I won’t understand how I could even want you to be better because I have my own dad
I have my dad that was there and chose to be there
So part of me hated myself for wanting something from you
I remember calling you dad once as a gift to you
But last time I saw you
I told you I loved you
And I hugged you
And I left
And cried
Because there is no love there
Why do I lie and be nice to you when you do not deserve anything from me
Why did I feel the need to put your comfort ahead of my own
Why as a grown women is this man who was never there making me cry
Making me cry when very few do
And maybe I have some more issues to deal with now
Because maybe when I saw you at a bar instead of my birthday party with all my friends in the car it was not okay
I thought you chose to not go to my birth but my mom chose to not have you there
And for good reason
I do not forgive you for making me wonder why I was not good enough to love properly when I was young
I do not forgive you for making the little version of me question herself
I do not forgive you for making me now dedicate time to you
For making it awkward between my brothers and I
I do not forgive you for making my mother struggle
I do not feel bad for you
Because you chose addiction over everything
Because you influenced my siblings
I do not forgive you for hurting them or me
But maybe I need to
So that I can be free of you for real
But that is a journey I do not know how to begin
Why I have a need to do so is unknown to me
I have had a dad my whole life
A step dad
But he is my dad
A last name we do not share
But he was the one at my chorus and band concerts
He taught me how to fix things
How to be strong
How to speak up and be comfortable
How to care for others
And how to say ******* to those that needed it
And how to work
And how to ask for help
And so much more
He is my dad
And you are nothing
So why when you ask to hang out on Father’s Day and you yell at me when I say no
It makes me cry
Why when a man has given me nothing
Makes fun of me
I allow him the power to impact my heart
To make me cry

Maybe one day
You’ll be driving home
After a long, hard days of work
And you’ll be listening to a song you love
Vibing as they would say
And you’ll see a rainbow
And you’ll cry
Because here you are
Doing that thing
Making it
When you thought you never would

At the end of the day
In the middle
And in the beginning
It is you who I miss
And you who I want to hold my hand
And eyes that I want to look into
And heart I want to share mine
But if the feeling is not mutual
I will retract
And
I will hide
But
I will still want you

I miss you
Like the tide reaches for the shore
I miss you
Like the sunlight melts a falling snowflake
I miss you
Like the sound of rain on a porch
I miss you
Like the feeling of a hug needed after years without
I miss you
Like the tears that never flew down my cheeks
I miss you
Like the heart that beats a rhythm
I miss you
Like the thrill of an adventure
I miss you
Like the feeling of a job well done
I miss you
Like the acceptance of my reflection in the mirror
I miss you
Like the opportunity to shine
I miss you
Like the words of affirmation my heart desires
I miss you
Like all the chances I gave
I miss you
Like the hand held out waiting for a friend to find it
I miss you
Like the help I didn’t ask for
I miss you
Like the calm to my chaos
Do I miss you?

I want to cry
But I cannot
So I get drunk
And then the tears will flow

It is weird
Messaging you
I miss intimacy
The feeling of connection
And now
It is like making small talk with a stranger
How odd
Maybe it will make me stop missing you
I do not know