I wonder if you had to fight for your happiness the same way I do every day

Looking through my old poems
It has hit me that following my break up of 4.5 years
I did not write a single sad poem about missing him
I did the breaking up
I guess for good reason
Because the poems about HIM are from years before the deed was done

It always feels like a trap-
When you’re happy,
And content,
At peace one could say.

At the moment I have a resembling monotone of balance,
A comforting noise level.

I feel the old tug
I know the shoe may drop
But I also know the amount of times I have lived
I know the pain I have overcome
In my head I think this makes me stronger, I have the hindsight to know I can make it through
But
Through writing it down
The more fatigue you go through the less strong you are over time
Erosion is not only for the rocks and rivers and mountains
It is for the will to live as well

I use to post the things that said “it does not mean you’re lonely if you’re alone”
But I guess I was never really alone
I am still not completely in solitude but
I might as well be

Lonely is a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time
A wave that rolls in slowly but so powerful
It is deep
And makes me fear for the future
If I am lonely now
How will I ever meet someone that accompanies my heart the way you did?
Will anyone be able to touch and see and feel me the way you could?
Will I feel connected and understood for the things I do not want to talk about?
Or will I feel this lonely for eternity

I miss your laugh
The way you smiled
I miss the kissing
The melting into each other
I miss the desire the need
I miss you
And I can’t get you back
What if you were the love of my life and now you are gone?
How do you get over someone that is no longer alive?
I miss you
All the adventures we never had
All the opportunities we missed
I wish you had not left
I wish you were here with me
I wish I had told you I loved you then
I wish I had been enough for you to stay

I decided I would carry you with me
I chose to live for the both of us
Because you could not be here

I breathed the air
I smiled in the light of the sun
I felt the ocean water on my skin
And the sand beneath my feet
For you and I
We could share this moment of happiness
Because I would feel it for more than one
Because when I thought “wow I could come back here to **** myself, it’s the perfect location”
The thought directly after was that I could not because I had to enjoy it for the both of us
Because you gave in
And I’m left here

To wonder through the lava
Waiting for you to flow back to me
For my energy to heal
To replenish
To find equilibrium

Waiting and living
Breathe I remind myself
Smiling and laughing
For those that did not make it