Sometimes I wonder how long I will last
I wonder how many more bright days there are
Until I am sad again
Until I am nothing again
Until it gets much worse again
Sometimes I think about how good I can feel
How bright the sun is
How thankful I can be
How happy I am
How laughter feels when it rolls from deep inside
How it feels to live for you and me and now another
This year began with one death and now another has come and gone
It is said to travel in threes
So I am weary
For the third cannot be me
But another
I do not know if I can handle

It has been almost 6 months
And I still have not written a goodbye letter
I think about you every day
I should have saved you
I should have known
How have I stared numerous suicidal people in the face, and helped them?
Why did I believe you when you lied?
Why did I not recognize the severity in your gaze?
The lack of shine?
How do you have a suicide prevention class and be certified and fail someone you love?

I never knew how much you meant to me until you were gone
Until you disappeared to hell or heaven
To be with your sister or not
To decompose and help a tree grow
To reincarnate and come back to me
To fill the void
To anywhere but somehwere with me
To anywhere but somewhere I can see
To anywhere but the place I need you to be,
Here with me

I look down and see fat
I look down and see wide hips and wide legs and jiggly things
I look up and see jiggly arms and jiggly this and jiggly that
And I look to the side and I see the phat ***
I go to the gym
I see the muscles underneath
I work them
I love them
I try for them
And I smile at them
And I take care of them
And I come home
And I see bloated big belly
I see legs that are not all muscle
I see flaw and flaw and flaw and flaw
I try to change the mindset
I try
I tried
I am trying

Have you ever lost an intimate partner to a drug overdose?
A drug overdose that was most likely a suicide but is not known for sure?
How do you keep losing people when you are fighting so hard to stay yourself?

You can only distract yourself so many times
before it catches up with you

I know that you are gone
But I keep swiping
I keep searching
As if I will find you in someone else
As if someone else will be you?