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Autumn May 2017
I stare at this paper for an eternity and it swalllws me up and in all of my entirety. I am done for.
Gone.
I cannot do this. I've stared at this paper for 45 minutes and when the teacher asks how I've done
I will say, "I haven't done any of it."

And it takes me back to when I failed. To when I was left behind.

It takes me back to last year when I wasn't smart enough for chemistry.
I cry

I try

I fail over and over and in calculus I am a joke.

I can go to sectionals in track and my smile just can't reach my eyes

There is no glint and I can't bring up a facade
My friend
She asks, "why aren't you happy to be going to sectionals?
That means you're good autumn!"

And for the millionth time I cannot accept or say I am good at anything.

I am waitlisted to my dream school and I cannot accept that I still have a chance.
I win a national scholarship and I am still beaten down.
I win a community all star award and I win best lawyer and
I win another scholarship
And I'm accepted to a goodnight private school and the honors program
And I exceed the expectations of my family
And I am applauded by hundreds
And I am in the paper
And my photography is in an art gallery
And I am still
Not
Good enough.

I run and run and run and I throw and I try
And I still
am
not
good
enough.

I lose the weight and I'm still stuck looking at my meat jiggling

I am still stuck looking in this mirror that will never show someone good enough for anything in life at all.
#depression
Autumn Apr 2017
I'm breaking
Snapping
Crunching
Folding under the pressure
I'm done
I'm down
I just want to cry
And In some miracle I am
I breaking down slowly and surely
Only to be fine again in a few seconds
I'm fine
I promise
And I don't know what wrong with me
And I don't know why I can't just accept that I'm not perfect
And I don't know why
And I don't know
And I don't
And I
And
An
D
And I'm not okay
Autumn Apr 2017
I'm here
And I have everything
I have a scholarship I have a job
I have an amazing lover
I have this and that
I am thankful
And yet I still picture myself
Jumping through that window
To fall and die
I am still wanting to slice my flesh open
God I miss that release
I am still crawling down in that dark hole
I am still breathing
I am still attempting to live
I am trying to be me
I'm  trying
******* it and
I'm failing
  Jan 2017 Autumn
Akira Chinen
She is a dream stuck between
a first kiss and a dying wish
an eternity trapped in a moment
and a forever lost long ago
the dried bones of an angels spine
and the dust from a dead humming birds wing
the hidden fire in a dragons belly
and the color of a mermaids breath
the first hairs of a paint brush
and the last drop of paint
the thread that stitches beauty to a heart
and the dull edge that cuts love apart
the keeper of the universes secrets
and the narrator that spills the truth at the end
the blood flowing through life
and the wind that warns of death
the end of time
and the begining of nothing and nowhere
she is and she isn't
and every star and every leaf
knows her by name
and yesterday and tomorrow
live in the space between her eyes
and today is just a dream
she continuously spins
on the end of her fingertips
Autumn Jan 2017
And after a certain amount of time you think it's gone
Until you're driving and you take the sharp turn really fast in front of that car and chance crashing into someone head on
Until you realize you wanted that for a second
For a bit
For a little while longer
...
Until you realize while laying down that you still aren't good enough
Until you realize it's all still here
Until you realize maybe
I should do something about
It
Being
Here
Still.
Autumn Nov 2016
I stared off into the distance
Always repeating
Never wanting to be the one retreating
I stared off into the distance
Always repenting
Never wanting to be the one sinning
I stared off into the distance
Always glowing
Never wanting to be the one dimming
I stared off into the distance
Always claiming
Wanting to be the one who determined the next distance
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