Maybe I am meant to wander this planet aimlessly, alone. Unguided. Scared. Nervous.

-guide me home

Some days I am very thankful for my divorce. I say this because, I now know the type of human I want in my life. Someone who continually supports me. Someone who adores my wicked laugh. Someone who doesn’t mind that I have nightly dance parties in my underwear. Someone who doesn’t mind I cry at every fleeting moment. Someone who can handle my mental health and not mock me. Someone who is smart and funny and has a dark sense of humor. Someone who will look me in the eyes and make me feel safe.

Do you believe in true love? I no longer call it that. I now call it real love. Are you supposed to limit your love to your own city? Or do you believe someone who is your "real" love lives in a diverse state or even country? Why do we limit ourselves? Why are we afraid of distance? I used to be. Now, I don’t give a ****. If I fall head over heels, I will go anywhere. Does that make me naive or stupid? Possibly. All I know is, what is life without love?

I don’t need money or fame. I don’t need an expensive apartment. I’d be just as happy sleeping on a bare mattress on the floor if it meant I could be closer to you.

I will never apologize for wanting love. I will never stop searching for love. Because even after the ******* **** storm I’ve been though, I still believe in it.

I blocked his number today.

****- that was hard for me.
He never harmed me in anyway.
I just can’t do this anymore.
The back and forth.
The random and in between text messages.

We are both divorced. Both hurt. Both struggling. But you’re still stuck in the past.

You tell me you’re here and I run down the stairwell so excited. I have to stand on my tippy toes to hug you.

We get in the elevator. I touch your chest and tell you that your shirt looks nice. You put your arms around me and hold me. It’s been a long time.

We sit on the couch. Here I am. Naked. I’m vulnerable. No makeup. Acne. No bra. Pajamas. You pull me on your lap and kiss me.

You changed your earrings?
He asks.
I’m shocked you remember small details.
I say.

You’re special to me.


He pulls me in close into his neck and I begin to cry. That’s all I do now. He can’t sleep at night either and he knows I’m broken. He doesn't try anything because he knows I’m ****** up.

You know I’m not ready.

You massage my head and watch Netflix. I look at your eyes and you're zoned out. Maybe you live in an alternate universe in your head as well. Maybe that’s why I can’t let you go. You’re broken like me and it’s so ******* beautiful. You’re so ******* beautiful.

But today.

I blocked your number.
I need to heal and I’m sorry it can’t be with you.

It was the very first date I had been on since my divorce.
If I am being honest, this first date happened while I still lived with my ex and we were not yet divorced.
I made sure to really try and put myself together for once.
I got my hair done, wore high-heels, low-cut shirt, my tightest skinny jeans.
I got to your house too early because my ******* GPS said it would take an hour when it only took 30 minutes.
I hug you and the smell of you makes me feel like home, which is both exhilarating and odd in the weirdest sense.
I brought you your favorite candy because I am a ******* psychopath who cares too much.
You smile and thank me.
You hop in the shower and I sit in your room, admiring all of your collections, your well-made bed.
Your room smells of *** and cologne and it makes me want to crawl in your bed and sleep for days.

Once you’re done, you take me to dinner. We order food we both end up hating but laugh because we are both too friendly to tell the waitress it tastes like ****.
You ******* drink, I taste yours.
You talk all night and even though that would normally bother me, you exude a confidence and sexuality that I have never encountered.
I’ve never slept with someone on the first date before and all I can think about is your smile and that if you ask me to go home with you, I will say yes.
You take me to the water and we sit on a bench for hours just talking and laughing.
It’s cold and I am shivering but all I want to do is kiss your sweet mouth.
It’s 3 am and you stand up.
I shudder.
I have been kissing the same man for so long that I am not sure I will know how to handle what happens next.
You hold your hands out and pull me up and I almost fall because I am wearing heels and my legs are frozen.
You pull me close and grab my face.
That kiss.
Your mouth was hot and your hands were cold and in the moment you kissed me, I immediately forgot about all the pain I had been in previously.
We walk back to your car and you take me to your house. On the front porch, I smoke a cigarette, while you smoke a blunt. I grab your shirt and pull you in to kiss me. Everything feels right. Everything feels safe. We go inside, and my knees shake. You lay on the bed and you look exhausted-not to mention that you have work in 5 hours. I tell you that I have to leave and you ask me if I want to stay.

I am falling
     Nervous
      Anxious
        Scared
          Happy


Who knew the human body could feel all characteristics at once?
I want to tell you.
Soon.

-My emotions