I’m always told that I’m never alone. I hate that statement because I feel like I am all the time. And where’s the proof that I’m not alone. I don’t really know what to think about any more and I know that You don’t even think of me anymore but here I am… still thinking of you. What we had, how much effort we put into each other. The amount of time that we spent together. How much time that we spent talking about what we were going to do when we got out of High school. How much love that we had for each other.  And I messed it all up. I don’t even care anymore about what you did. I feel worthless and like I’m never going to be able to know what it feels like to be happy. I hate not being able to do anything when I know if I was there, I would do anything to make you happy. I keep on having these dreams and they feel more and more real every time. And then I wake up feeling hopeless and feeling worthless. The dreams, I wish they weren’t just dreams, I wish they were real. I wish that happiness was real. The feelings, the emotions and the laughs and the love. I still think about You. I would ask you how you were doing and then you would say better now that I’m with you. And then you would ask me. And I would respond amazing, because. And I meant that with all my heart.  And now I just feel lonely and sad all the time and there’s nothing I can do to change that.  I don't regret much but I do regret hurting you.

I’m so tired, all the time.
I just want to sleep.
Forever.

Why can’t I stop thinking? I don’t know what to do anymore. I really want to get back together with you, but I don’t think it would be healthy for the two of us. I don’t want you to get hurt again. And I don’t want to hurt you again. I can’t get hurt again. And that’s why I am scared to start anything with anyone. I am scared that I am going to end up hurt. But I am even more scared that whoever I come in contact with, they are going to get hurt. I can’t put anyone though that again. I’m scared that I am not going to make them happy, or that I will never be there when they need me most. I’m scared that I am going to get used again. What do I have to do be happy again?

I want to find happiness. The thing about that is that it feels close to impossible to do so.  I’m sick and tired of feeling this way. I don’t want to live my life this way. But I live my life making others happy. Or I try to at the least. But I hurt you. More than anything and I know that I can’t do anything. And until the day I die I would do anything I can do to make you happy. I love you… still.

I don’t know why you think that you were the only one that got hurt.
Do you think that I wanted to break your heart?
Don’t forget that I loved you more then anything.
I did what I did because you deserve much better than me.
You deserve the world.
And I don't deserve you.

I don’t really know what to think anymore. I feel lost and confused and like I am never going to be happy again. I just have this feeling that everything I do or even try to do backfires and blows up in my face. Every time that I have the smallest chance to even talk to someone but the thought of you keeps me from getting anywhere close to saying “Hi”.  The fact that I miss you still hurts. I know what happened between us and I can’t put you through that again much less myself.  I need to move on. I have love for a lot of people and things but the one thing that I can’t love is myself. But to be honest I really don’t care about not loving myself. I would prefer to make someone happy and help them fix all their problems and take all their pain, so they don’t have any. And that’s the one thing I hate about myself. Making other people happy and making sure the ones I love are doing okay and are happy. And if that means sacrificing my happiness then I guess I’m okay with it. I wish I could take your pain so you wouldn’t have to feel it anymore I would in a heartbeat.