In lust I trust you
In love I cannot
But one is more seductive
Than the other thought

My love offered me candles
One smelled just like you
My body responded in a gasp
I wanted, then refused

My dear he loved me sweetly
And I wished that he'd be you
I wished that he would ravage me
The way you used to do

My sweet says you're a ******
I could only nod, agree
But my mind is still enveloped
You will not set me free

Once again
I’m the *****
For not being
Your Barbie doll

My heart hurts and hurts and hurts
It hurts when I don’t distract it with media, or stuff it away to do work
It hurts with a low ache, a mourning
Hasn’t it always hurt?
Even when we were together, I hurt
What’s wrong with me?
Everything feels somehow wrong
An undercurrent of dread
Nausea
I want to throw up, but there’s no bile
It’s the thought of you I want to push away
Reject
Expel from my dreams and my memories
Why did you not love me?
Why did I love you?
Why did we do all this?
It’s disgusting
It’s wrong
The kind of thing that someone’d wrinkle their nose to
It’s just boy problems
Stupid silly
But all’s fair in love and war, I remember

In real life
No boy (or girl)
Falls for
The crazy girl.

In real life
She goes to therapy
Works on herself
Heals to whole.

In real life
She sees an old friend
Browsing records
At a book store

In real life
They get married
An apartment and dog
A divorce soon.

In real life
She learns even more
Buys self-help books
At the same store.

In real life
She starts yoga
Laughs more
Makes peace more.

Once in life,
A girl in her yoga class
Congratulates her for
A successful peacock pose,
Introduces herself.

One time,
The two go for tea
At the cafe downstairs
They start to talk about themselves
And laugh a lot more.

Once upon a time,
Their hands
Warm with tea
Touch and hold
Together strong.

Once upon a time,
In a dynamic relationship
After a long time
They find a place
A cat and child.

Once upon a time,
They grow old
The cat is buried
The child moves out
The girl lives on.

Once upon a time,
She dies of course
But she faces death
After she's lived
Whole and loved.

I want to go back and take you and shake you and tell you
      “NO they are not right for us”
I want to make it so neither of us gets hurt,
   but instead we grow old and heal together,
with fewer scars and more time.

Thank you for being forthcoming
Let's go!
Just got out of the ocean dripping in water and sweat
Tell me more how you miss me

I surrounded myself with people
And still felt lonely
My phone in my lap
In case you text me

I don't think I can handle this
I want to, badly
If I had any confidence
I'd be the one to end it

I want to tell you that I love you.

“I love you,” isn’t necessarily a romantic sentiment. “I love you,” can mean all types of things.

I want to tell you “I love you,” because it feels important to tell people that they are loved, and someone telling you directly that you are loved by them seems like it could give a lot of comfort.

Though if you panic instead, that doesn’t seem like it would bring comfort.

I suppose my urge to tell you “I love you” is an urge to wrap you in the burning thought of a strongest hug.

I want to convey that I think you are worthy of care, that I want you to feel loved, that you are beautiful, that I am so glad I have you in my life, that you push me and comfort me in ways I’ve never gotten to explore, that I would be there for you if you let me.

I want to give you a kiss on the forehead and see you smile, pleased and content.

Kissing hard, hungry, ragged
Breathless not from the ride over
But the anticipation finally met

I'll do anything to sate it
I'll do anything you say to
Complete control
Freely, eagerly given

Ahh but when I'm distraught
You comfort me well down
And when I'm careless to my health
You protect me from myself

We joke and shove and ****
Like children in schoolyards
Yet we massage and cook for the other
Like years-long dear lovers

Last weekend, I climbed Yosemite.
Last night, I went to a bar for the first time.
Today, my boss reminded me to send a presentation draft.
This morning.
.
This morning.
.
This morning, the boy who nearly ***** me months ago.
.
Apologized.
.
He sent me an email, so I wouldn't have to see him.
I've left it marked unread, despite reading it twice.
.
I don't know what or whether to respond to him.
I don't know what I'm supposed to feel.
.
This was months ago, and I haven't thought about him in at least a month.
.
He writes that he didn't apologize earlier partly for fear of making things worse.
Is this "things made worse," this panic and reminder?
?
Dear boy,
I know how you felt then, and I don't know what I feel now.
.
Sorrow.
.
Thank you for the apology.
I don't know if I can forgive you.
.
I hope you are well.
.
Best wishes.
Emily.

You have taught me
that I can want birth and kids and marriage
You have taught me
that I can give myself pleasure
You have taught me
that mindfulness is based on curiousity, not belief
You have taught me
that I want security, as well as a partner and friend
You have taught me
to speak up for what it is my heart wants
You have taught me
some pieces in the holes of my past
You have taught me
to dominate
You have taught me
to receive
You have taught me
to massage
You have taught me
to climb

At the concert of an artist we've both listened to for years
The opener soothes us so that
I finally put my head on your shoulder
You breathe an audible sigh
And lay your head on mine
At the next song, you yawn exaggeratedly
To put your hand over my shoulders
I giggle, and relax into you

The next time I see you, a Saturday morning
We agree to make muffins
You find a recipe and lay out the ingredients
I direct the baking process
Our coordination is natural
As if done for years
I end up staying til after dinner

Soon after, we lay in bed
I ask you what you would like
Lay your cards down before I do
Partners?
Partners
Of course
Why would we call it anything else?

We are very different people
But on the same page
When it comes to who we are together
Hours spent together, talking and not
It is not eroutic, it is not platonic
It is companionship
It is our partnership

The luck of an easy love

If you can hold tight to the wave of pain
Perhaps it's true that eventually
You make it to shore

Do I act like a chameleon
With the color that you'll like on?
Can I let myself relax?
And just be me with all the lights on?

Do we talk about our parents?
Do I tell you who I'm dating?
Do you let me in your house?
Do you ask me how I'm doing?

Do you invite me out in public,
Or do you keep me in your bed?
Do we call? Just text? How often?
Will you let me hold your hand?

Do you tell me that you love me?
Can I trust you with each layer?
Do I feel confident directing you
To do what I desire?

I would give
All of me
Willingly
Excited for connection

You have my love so
How about
You let me in
Be open

When you break my heart, it will be worth it, because you made me feel the whole of it again
You poor deprived boy, you are the tragic one to not feel the awe of love
While you see in me a book that has opened its pages for you
I see in you our happiness, our selves, our life
I feel like a medium
I feel like a clown
I feel like the worst *****
Who sold herself for her heart, in the rush of a holiday sale
I feel like I am stripped naked and returned to a truth clothed by logic and scorn
I trust you to care for me when you break me
You sweet beautiful thing

My mother shook her head sadly
As she mourned my brother
The pain
And the anger
With which he's set himself aflame
A bonfire continuing
Since he came to first grade
He was sent to the principal
For a peeing contest with friends
Though the teacher'd let me be
When I'd cheated and lied on tests
I was the good child
The first child
The straight A
He was the ugly middle
The one who couldn't be saved
The more he misbehaved
The more they wrote him off
The more they wrote him off
The more he wrote off school
They told him,
'Why can't you be more like your sister?'
'I remember her still'
The more they asked him
The more he hated me
My mother tells me that
He used to adore me
I loved my teachers
I respected them greatly
I couldn't understand him
My mom coaxed him and fought with him
While saying it was fate
I'd always be the good one
He'd never get straight
The lazy one, the black sheep
He couldn't be helped
How more could she bother
A sad muscled whelp
In our distance, in time
We grew to hate one another
Every morning in high school
We would have to disturb the other
To have our father
Take us to the bus together
Every morning in high school
Became a battleground
'Why can't you wake up?'
'Why can't you leave me alone?'
'Please don't make me late again'
'Shut the fck up you btch'
He shot from his den
I left for college
He didn't get in
I came back for Christmas
The flame relit then
'You'll never become a musician
If you can't show up on time'
He told me never to speak
Hand across my windpipe
I left upstairs sobbing
Wanting punishment for his crime
When I mentioned police
My mom turned on a dime
'You've done this to each other'
What could I have done, Mother?
I was only always the good one
He was always the Devil
He's hurt each of us
He hates each of us, though me in special
I've seen him assault
Each of us but our father
His life is a trap
He trudges through wearily
I'm the only one
Who will go to therapy
My mom, shaking her head
Burdened so heavily
Though she has her part
In our play of tragedy
I ask her if she would
Seek mental help too
She says, 'Why?
I'm fine dear
There's nothing to do
I've got my friends
To talk about this sort of thing to'
Equating them to a doctor
Defending her innocence
Leaving me be
The sacrifice again
The focus of his hate
The good little lamb
Go save the world
Leave us
At home in bedlam.

God cast out Lucifer
And neither dared apologize
Over fast centuries
God's anger yielded to pain
Which told him all the more
He could not see Luce again

They were too different
The God and now Devil
Family so close
Separation was cutting off
A gangrene limb
Even when no longer painful
It was harder to move in the world

Unable to do
Tasks that used to be simple
The inability flashed the memory of separation
They would silently watch each other
Having spys tell them
When the coast was clear to try

In rare times, they would have to meet
Duty forced it for both
Then, Lucifer would stare through God
To the blank wall behind
Past to oblivion he smoldered in
That's all God was to Luce now
A nothingness

When God felt that stare, he shivered
He escaped him as soon as he could
Anxious to leave his right hand again
Lucifer, in eternal age, would never apologize
And what could God apologize for?
He was no capable of sin
He would not apologize for his holiness

And so God merely wept

The voice in my head
Called my phone
I picked up because the number said "Mom"

The voice in my head
Asked me what I was thinking
Un-friending a man who made me uncomfortable

The voice in my head
Wouldn't let up
When I said I didn't want to talk about it

The voice in my head
Got upset
When I hung up on it

She threw away my gift to her, and left me with hers.
She says I don't treat her like I do my father.
My father was the one who fished my gift to her out of the trash.
He tries to save us, quiet us.
Me and the voice in my head.

If you had it in you
To be just a smidge less of a troll
I'd sing you sonnets
That would make a siren blush

Falling for someone?
How embarrassing
What a stupid person
What an overactive imagination

You aren't unique
In the way that I love you
I'm not unique
In the way that you do

It is still bitter
To leave one another
We want different lives
We want each other

We don't dare to change
The other or me
I support your dream
That leaves me lonely

We will find lovers
At our destination
But though I'll find him
You set me in motion

Crisscrossing lines of analysis
Theology, ethics, songs
Your movements and mine

Laughing at jokes
I can't tell her, but can him
Reflecting on the others's choices

All of us tied together
In conversation
Knot too tight, nor loose

I'm turning you
In my mind
In my writing
Into a figure of longing
A trope of star-crossed lover
Losing sight of who you are

I walked towards a new place
Where I could climb, and yet had never been before
At once, I was gone

I was in a loose line of souls
Waiting for the devil, Hades
He had taken me here early

He had gone to the human world
Where he fell for me
And he had no care to wait for me to join him

I begged him to take me back, angry to lose my life and my climb
He ignored me, but his helper hinted
If I failed his test, I could leave

I didn't know how to fail without angering him or seeming fake
A test of probability, I passed 9 out of 10
Why couldn't I be a better actor? The right kind of failure?

He made me stay with him as he went back to the human world
To spend time with my grieving family as his human persona
As they cried, it dawned that I was losing them too

I was unable to touch them, comfort them
No one comforted me
He ignored me, **** him

He remarked, humanly, that he had made some money to build a bird house
Sharing a small goal achieved with his houswife, his captive
As he took my life, my love, my climb

I woke up crying, choking from the hold of my devil

Marie Antoinette historian
Squeezed into a never too tiny house
Up next in my watch queue
Out of touch, but still at my fingertips

Bored, distracted, lonely, overwhelmed
I'm thinking about cutting it all down
Still watching a Met fashion commentary
Man dismissing neckline of dignitary

A girl at a screen staring
Scratching and picking
Mind blank but running
Remembering nothing

Just upload me already

I don't find
Your line of friend and lover
Until you trip
My feet with its wire

My face and hopes crushed on the ground again

Get on the trolley!
Oo at the statues!
Let's be tourists
For this city
Again

I'm thankful for ...
The squash handed to me by my nice TA
The apple cider offered at the meal plan cafeteria
The window display that shocked me with its Halloween decorations

Because otherwise, how can I find fall?
It seems these objects are how I can tell time without hay rides, fall foliage hikes, pumpkin spiced drinks in cafes visited with friends.
So much has been taken away from us, I'm afraid to lose time itself.

Endless waiting
Someone asked
When will I be happy?

They hurt me
But that was years ago
And I'm still waiting

I remind myself
Happiness is in the moment
When it comes, I hold it tight

I remind myself of too much
Repeated conversations
Painful memories, waiting to-dos

I remember to look at the numbers
At my energy, my feelings
Nope, still not the right day

Oh god she hates me
Wait she JUST made you tea
That's not hate
Don't take the bait

There you go again
Going from zero to ten
Try some reality testing
I'm just suggesting!

Like the Matrix or Inception?!?
No no different direction
This isn't a movie
It's about brains being goofy

So what's that biz?
Assess a situation for what it is
Rather than from our emotions
Get rid of anxious notions

See other perspectives
Try being objective
Start doing the logistics
Keep your thought life realistic

#Therapy

Instead of saying 'Sorry'
All you give are more excuses
Me asking that I'm safe
Makes you feel uncomfortable
You've never broken my limits?
Oh I could list a few times
You need some time from me
Obviously not a punishment

I know what you are
I've known for a while
But I was hoping I could avoid this
If I just played along

Until... I couldn't
You'd crossed a line
And thought I would let it slide
Like every other time

But your grasp on me
Faded
My abuser
My love

Love, true love
Is a radical act
That I'm only now learning
Or relearning

Simply put, love is care, acceptance, trust
When the butterflies are gone
We are alone
And you still want to be there

I started to assume that wanting to date me
Meant wanting things from me
My work, my words, my body
Saying 'I love you' was a stage in a relationship
After you've been full of giddiness and longing
And before you move in together

I'm realizing that you care for me
You really really care for me
You want to listen to my troubles
You want me to go to the doctor
You want me to wear a helmet
You don't care if all we do in bed is cuddle

You love my good heart
You love my maturity
You love my views on life
You love my high and low energies
You love my stubbornness

You are committed to putting in the effort
To make a relationship continue
When I'm no longer giddy in love
You don't wish for me to still be
A manic pixie dream girl
You're happy to be with all versions of me

You are accepting
You are trusting
You are caring
You love me

Simple as that

When you hugged me tight and swung me in your arms
I knew for certain that I liked you

The conversation where you admitted you couldn't cuddle me as friends
Made me want to date you more than anything

The conversation where I told you not to touch me
Left me wishing to kiss you

I don't want to get away with just a hookup
I want to join that big sweet heart to mine and do everything together

I want to help each other on a bouldering move
Then make out on the mat

My friend tells me a workplace romance is ok if it's discreet
I'm hoping your girlfriend will give us her blessing

She's right that I have no red flags
I bite back my response that I'm a fantastic girlfriend

Oooooo forbidden fruit
Seems the sweetest

Perhaps my new productivity method
Should be to have an urgently pressing
Other thing needing to be done

Academic paper deadline?
****!
Seven poems
Two photoshoots
One singing practice
And a gourmet dinner

"No one cares"
Is a lie

"I forgot"
Is ok, most of the time

"I'm not like I was"
Is true for better as well as worse

"It's getting worse"
Is only a perspective

If you want something to happen
You have to care
You have to put the work in
You've got this, and they've got your back

my heart hurts
but it brims for him

i drag myself down
but i hold him up

he is my love
my beautiful boy

my energy is low
but i'm determined to help her

little girl earnest to learn
what took me years to love

she is my hope
my student

my body feels hollow
but i move it again

i've not given up
on not giving up

i am my only soul
my own

I dread sending a friend one text back,
And yet I restrain myself from texting him each day?

Stupid hormones
Stupid brain

How could you be so desperate
Selective in your end to loneliness

I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner

The truth is, I save your texts
Like chocolate at end of day

My sweetest escape
A stash for stomach butterflies

You say this is goodbye until September
We plan ideas for the future
But we're spilling our secrets
As if we know it's the last time
We'll see each other again

Out in the wild world
I felt the wind whirling around me
I enjoyed sunlight dancing on my skin
I craned my body to absorb as many of its footsteps

Back at the house
I hide in a bathrobe
I clean dishes carefully
I pray I do not wake a beast hidden within

Out with my friends
I laugh and sip at good coffee
I play violin and her piano accompanies me
I steal touches and photographs to preserve her love

Back at the house
I am in bed again before noon
I hide behind doors and to-do chores
I hope I appease the beast hidden within

I wish the house was a home filled with the warm happiness outside it, so I open the windows and doors to let it in.

Have the energy go through me,
Absorb me and I absorb it

Bang my head
Stay stock sill and stare

I sing along
Listen to sounds I've never made

Make me an artist
Make me human

He is taking care of me,
making me dinner or picking it up,
buying me groceries,
massaging me with ice cubes.

He comes into the room with a mask,
to ask me if he can hang out,
and we cuddle in bed watching Better Call Saul,
a mask over each of us.

I’m realizing I can’t kiss him with a clear conscience
for seven more days.
Somehow he keeps testing negative.
I'm glad he's not sick, but I'm annoyed too that we can't be together

This is part of why I love him
This is part of why I know he loves me

He stopped me on the sidewalk
And I almost walked away

My politeness stopped me
Perhaps he's lost?

But then, he was very cute
Charismatic, bright-eyed, skilled

Show a girl a picture of his sourdough
Yeah, he wins her heart

Later, I confess my unacceptability
He thanks me, and still asks me out

Now he breaks the touch barrier
Now we're holding hands
Now we're walking home
Now we're in his bed

Over the intellectual conversation
The latter part of the night is what stays seared.

I feel like I am watching myself apart
An anthropologist, an endocrinologist

The hypothesis is: I've warily fallen
Romance is truly odd

Does my body change
Or my view of it

Sometimes panic
Other times disinterest
Confidence
Rejection

Rejection of change
Rejection of the present

Thinking back to a past
Skinnier and dying
Thinking to ideal future
Slimmer and healthy

I weight lift every day
But I don't feel stronger

I want to be strong
Muscles and focus
I want change
Where I am in control

My worldview changed 2 months ago
I realized I couldn't afford grad school

Since then my brain has been aflame
Looking for jobs, scholarships,
ANYTHING

I should have a real job
But that actually doesn't pay?!?

I can get a scholarship
Yeah, and compete with thousands

I could be a sugar baby
You couldn't deal with the shame

And now
Do I even want to go anymore?

It's all futile nonsense
The nurtured dreams of changing the world?

There's no money to train for that
And you'll make no money in doing that

You work, you get kids, you move to the suburbs, you read them cute books and encourage them to have a career just like you but BETTER.

Until they look back after thousands in tuition and realize that
The degree they got in how to save the world?
Hardly pays more than McDonalds

Maybe I don't want to save this world
Maybe it doesn't want to be saved

Binging 'content' because depression
Watching videos on losing weight
Making notes to begin a journey?
Realizing I haven't walked 500 steps today

Slipping on shoes
Smiling at the swaying bridge
Soaring skateboards pass me
Sand pressed on the shore

Discovering a new overgrown place
Dusting off my legs for deer ticks
Daring myself to sing and daydream
Dusk settling down

Coming back tired
Refusing to eat or socialize
Hiding in my room
Wanting to tear myself apart again