Bite One
What are you doing?!
You know you're on a diet!
Don't eat that!
Bite Two
OH MY GOD.
That last bight could've just made another official pound
Bite Three
Don't think just eat!
Bite Four
Bites Five
Bite Six
Bite Seven
Etcetera.

Purge One
What am I doing?
Google said this is a mental disorder
Purge Two
Mental disorder or not you're still fat!
Do something about it.
Purge Three
The acid is burning my throat...
No more.
Purge Four
Keep going until it's all gone!
Purge Five
Am I ever going to be skinny?

You see,
They call me, "thick thighs, nice eyes."
I call me, "stretch marks bigger than a kind man's heart"
And...
I know that when I'm skinny this will all fade.
Because I know that, the girl across the room is laughing because of my fat face.
And I know that, that boy is saying that he'd never date me because my fat is a disgrace.
And for now...
I'm not thin enough
Not pretty enough
Not light enough
Not bright enough
But every time I purge I'm closer to being perfect enough

I feel beautiful
but only when I'm hungry
Only when I can hear my stomach begging me to eat something
Only when I can feel myself losing weight
Only when they say, "you're getting to thin, you're doing great!"
Only when I'm drinking a bottle of water in the span of a minute so that I can be full
Only when I'm starving but I push the plate away.

I feel beautiful
But only when I'm counting calories
Only when I'm running that extra mile to stay slim

I feel beautiful
Until I'm looking down at my thighs and I see that they touch
Until a girl says how curvy I am when I'd just like to be flat and slim
Until I step on the scale and it laughs and says I've gains a few pounds

I feel beautiful
until I look at myself in a fullbody mirror and think, "GROSS"

I feel beautiful
when I haven't eaten for 3 days and no one notices
When I'm popping a rubber band to my wrist saying, "you're not hungry your just bored" over and over again
And my stomach replys, "I'm dying, why are you doing this, feed me"

I feel beautiful
Until the girl next to me is thinner than I am
Until daddy tells me I'm getting fat
Until I hear the boys in the distance say that they'd never, ever, ever date big girl

I feel beautiful
But only when I'm dying of starvation
Only when I'm literally empty on the inside

I felt beautiful
Until I realized that fat is an insult
And i wondered why
Do we not glide the same why?
Do our stretch marks make us inelegant?
Are we unladylike because we eat?

I feel beautiful until I don't anymore
Until beauty is too much in the eye of the beholder
Until I am not allowed to be the beholder
Until beauty is a category of waist size double zero

I feel beautiful
Because I'm allowed to
Because the number on the scale does not define Me
Because I Define me

We are far from death
Until we take our first breath

Born to be alone
You were never made to have a home
Struggling on the streets
It's like your breathing in foam

With a bullet to your mind
You never got the time to cry
I wasn't even there to hear you say goodbye

Blood seeping from your head
My dearest brother its time to go to bed

Close your eyes
I'll see you soon
And when I think of you
I'll know to look at the moon

I love you... In a different kind of way,
In a "you before me" kind of way.
In a "what do you need?" kind of way.

I love you,
in a "you don't even have to speak" kind of way.
In An "I'll never leave" kind of way.

I love you
In a "calm down just breathe" kind of way.
In a "I'll massage your feet." kind of way.
In a "you can have my seat." kind of way.

I love you in a new kind of way.
In a "I'm vulnerable but I trust you" kind of way.
And an "I know you love me" kind of way.

I Love you in an "I was blind but now I see" kind of way.

When the pain gets to real
I take a deep breath and inhale your sweet scent
I listen to the memory of your saying my name.

When the pain is too hard to bear
I picture the day that the universe no longer separates us

When I see again
I'll ask why you didn't give me a chance to say goodbye
"You just left me to fend for myself", I'll say.
" you were all I had, the light at the end of my tunnel".
And you'll just smile, in awe of how big I've grown
In awe of how much you've missed me too.

But...
When the pain how's away, so do you.
So does, your scent
Your voice
The feel of your skin
And when the pain barges in,
I remember how quickly you barged out

I remember the day Oscar Grant was murdered...
News casters surrounded my neighborhood,
Oakland's very own Fruitvale Bart had made the headlines.
Every morning I watched the 7:00 news,
My 7 year old brain So confused as to why the black man was being beaten by the White man
I was so young but I understood,
"Mr. Grant was not armed"
I understood,
"Grant did every thing he could to comply"
I understood,
"Please just let me go, I have a daughter"
I understood...
That his Black face was created to hate.
I understood,
That he was just another tale of the young black Man.
his story now told by his mother,
"He was a good boy"
"He ain't never did nothin' to nobody"
"He was taken away from his child, now she has to grow up without a father."
Now, his mother has to live on without a son.
Now,His sisters have to keep living without their brother.
Now, his girlfriend has to live with out the love of her life
Now, I cannot stand In Fruitvale Bart without thinking about the Black man who lost his life to the white mans Power trip...
Without looking at my black hands
Without getting on my black knees
And praying, "God please...
Lay your protecting hands on my brothers,
On my uncles,
On my grandfather,
On my father."
God please,
Let him comply when the white man pulls out his gun
when the white man says "get on your knees"
when the white man says "hands up or I'll shoot"
Let my black brother live,
God Please.

So I've been meaning to write a poem about my insecurities
You know...
Those things that pull me down
And bring me up
That make me emotionally distraught

Those things that make me stare into the mirror at my eyes
And make me Wonder why God made this unfortunate prize
It's like feeling around in the dark
Waiting for beautiful to start

And all I keep hearing is
"You have to be secure with who you are..."
Something that I'm not.
Something that I'll never be
When I look into the mirror pretty is something I never see

So its become unreal to me,
This idea of beauty.
The blonde hair and blue eyes dont come naturally
And I know for a fact that I'm not so pretty
PHYSICALLY
but then I look deep down inside of me
And let me tell you what I see.

I see my exact definition of beauty
I see all my scars fading away
And I know my insecurities aren't here to stay
I soon see that I can bend and twist "not so pretty" to go my way.

The sad thing about writing your poems on the internet
Is that you can't hear my tone
Like... Seriously, I would have so many likes if you could just hear the drama in my voice
If you feel my emotion through my sound waves

The sad thing about NOT writing your poems on the Internet
Is that without this, I have no voice
The emotion felt when reading my poem
Is not something I don't portray In the physical world
...Not that anyone would care if I did

I cry and they call my tears fake and unnecessary
I smile and they say my happiness is undeserved and childish

In the end online poetry is my voice
though it deprives me of my tone

When was the last time you smiled?
I know you haven't,
because I've seen the pain on your face for a while.
And I think you'll be okay.
Just know that pain is never here to stay
So just step into the sun and smile
And all that hurt will fade away.
But not forever
and the happiness will only come in a pinch
So when you get It...
I suggest you appreciate every inch
Let your body soak in the sun
Let you and the earth combine as one
But not forever
Because at some point forever will stop being fun

When we all hold hands
and peacefully sing kumbaya,
it's not real.

it doesn't heal our open wounds
it doesn't fix our broken pieces.
it allows us to glue instead of repair.
to ignore the ugly.

We are beautiful only
When we walk as a pack
like wolves
chest held out,
heads held high.

When we lock arms
and march en masse.
inviting people of any
race,sexuality or social class.
chanting,”all are welcome love is fair’

We are safe when the laughter rises up
and the gunshots die down.
when we heal as one
and mentally expand in unison.

Oakland is safe only when we unite.
when we fall down but get back up.
when we put band aids to our wounds.

When we take our broken parts to the shop,
we are strong.
it makes our waters run more smoothly
and our hearts more understanding.

We are safe only when we allow ourselves to be beautiful
when we take every step together
when all are welcome,
love is fair.

I love the feel of it
The thrill of it
How easy it is to get rid of it

But there are scares that come with it
Like my teeth will rot away with it
And the light in my eyes will go down the drain with it

But my body will look great with it
And all my inner hate will slip away with it.

You...
Make it hard for me to think straight .
When you touch me...
I can't remember my own name .
When I am asked who I am,
I tell them "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm his".
And every time you lace your hands in mine,
the euphoria of your love fills me from the inside.
Your lips dancing with those of my own
***** away all of the sadness I'd had tucked In the depths of my belly.
I imagine a life without you,
and forget why it is I need to breathe.
And I'm sorry,
that when we're alone, all I want you to do is hold me.
And I'm sorry that I'm so clumsy,
but it's only because my mind is so preoccupied with your eyes,
And you make my head all ****** up,
but truth is... I can't seem to get enough

It seems to me that I can never get a say in Anything
I was conceived
I was born
And I was raised with out my permission

I was in agonizing pain
Couldn't eat
Couldn't sleep
Could barely even breath
With out my permission

I hit puberty
Felt happy feelings
Felt sad feelings
With out my permission

I was thrown into reality
A "young woman"
No one to love me
With out my permission

So when you ask me what I wanna be...
When you tell me the sky is the limit and you will be my plane
I just have one follow up question
With out my permission is it really my decision?

Remember when you found the faulty brick in my
   walls?
You pulled it out and watched the guards I put up tumble and
            fall.
I was mad but you knew that I would get over it
                 all.
I drew a circle around my self and I curled into a
                     ball.
Pushed you so far away I no longer hear you
                           call.
But some how... you found your way back to
                                     me.
You led me out of my comfort zone and showed me all there was to
                                              see.
You kissed my forehead and told me never again would I be
                                                        alone.­
You wrapped you arms around me and I knew you were my new
                                                             ­       **home.

How freeing it would be to feel pretty.
To have vanity written all over me.
To look my worst and feel my best,
To keep my eyes open when I'm undressed.
To never have my confidence put to the test.
How freeing it must be to have been so blessed.

But instead,
Taking a shower is something I dread.
And looking in the mirror I cry so loud I cant hear the voice in my head.
And I think about how I have to be pretty even if it leaves me dead.

Sometimes you pull me on your lap and kiss my face.
And every time I worry that your little legs will break.
And for ***** sake,
stop touching my stomach ... I dont know how much more of this I can take.

My biggest fear
Is that one day my boyfriend won't be able to pick me up.
That he'll break up with me because my weight is too much
and he's had enough...
So I don't eat enough.

It's kind of ****** up.