it's been the height and never the length
that sets what seems apart
i have not rejoiced for a long time
and amidst the laughter were tears
i have not written what the stars would have wanted
for touching the gods' plans
by you, a mere mortal
amounts to a undescribable agony
of death and longing for death
of pain and and longing for death

i feel stuck

sumulat ako ng elehiya

ginamit ko lahat ng palasak na salita
ninais ko ang naunsiyaming kapayapaan: yaong hindi bayolente't nababahiran ng dugo't karahasan
mayroon pa naman sigurong mas malinis na paraan, 'yun, 'y-'yun bang legal at dinaraan sa reporma
'yaong tulad ng kay rizal! tama! yaong may diplomasya

tumigil ako pansamantala upang bumuklat ng pahina
napakarami nang rebolusyong hindi tulad ng inihahatag nila, katulad ng, ah! katulad ng EDSA!

nauhaw ako at tumigil pansamantala habang sa lamig ng aking kwarto'y rinig malakas na buhos ng galit ng araw
mabuti't nang buksan ko ang mga kurtina, payapang nagwawalis sa bakuran ang kapitbahay
may nagpapaligo ng aso't magagarang sasakyan
ipinagpasalamat ko ang bubong sa king ulunan. ah, payapa.

hindi rinig sa balita ang pandarahas ng militar sa kanayunan
ngunit batid ng karamihan, at ang solusyon ika nila ay armadong pakikibaka
nanlamig ako at namutla,

binaybay ko ang mga taong nakalipas bago ko marinig ang pangangalampag sa aming pintuan
pilit kaming inaakusahan, walang dokumento o anumang ebidensya

at dumaan ang mga imahe ng militar sa kanayunan:
ang daan-daang pamamaslang habang walang kalaban-laban

sa huli, wala akong armas na nilundayan

sa aking mga huling sandali, para sa sarili ko lamang,
sumulat ako ng elehiya

is this still even real?
i don't even know why i'm tangled in here

papaano kung talagang ayaw ko na? bibitaw ka ba?

kinaya ko namang wala ka.

walang bago
sa naimbak na lumot
sa butas na alulod
tiyak ang emosyon
mata'y napupusyaw
pipikit saglit
lalamunin ng tugtog
ang bagyo
tahimik sa gitna
nakamamatay sa paligid
at hindi mo iyon batid

walang bahid
ng luha
walang pantay
ang kulay o paa
sa pagkabalisa
magkapatong
ang binti sa ginaw

walang tunog
ang hudyat
hindi mulat
ang bantay
walang tabing
sa hangin
walang pader
sa habagat
o bundok sa baha

walang ulila
o buhos na tila
inipong ragasa
pagtitimpi

lumot
na naimbak
lumikha ng buhay
ulan

maybe what i miss most was the conversations. it was way too different from all who went and all those going on. maybe i was naked from the start, and you didn't have to strip me out. maybe that was my fondest idea of making love: hearing about your stories, what made you vulnerable, EVERYTHING.

but there are things that wouldn't match however we try. i want you here, but you have to fulfill your dreams and destiny. i wanted to wait but you were steadfast with staying.

i'd like to think that you have more to your mind than what you really show rn. i wish i could wander through those.

mabuti pa rin ang bawat umaga sapagkat naroro'n ka
sumusulyap kung manunuya ang kadiliman ng langit ngunit salamat sa liwanag

batid **** sa pag-ibig ko sa bayan ay palaging kasunod ka
ang mapagpalaya **** tinig sa gitna ng mga sigaw
taas kamaong kumakapit sa apoy ng rebolusyon

naririto pa rin ako lumiko man ang daan
mananatili sa pagkaway ng bukang liwayway
at kung sa panahong hindi ko na makapa ang taling nag-uugpong sa ating dalawa
lumingon ka lamang pabalik sa sining at pluma
tambisan mo ng liyab ang mga salitang magmamarka
saliwan mo ng musika ang dalit ng maralita
lilingon muli ako aking sinta,
at doon ay makikilala kita.

you were never kind to me
it's like i always have to follow you aimlessly
and i wish in another universe, i never had to:
one where you no longer exist
unlike here in this timeline where i ask for death and you give me life
when i ask for peace and you provide a bridge

you were never kind to me
and just like hope, i wish there was enough of you when i needed you most
please don't run away when i'm inches towards my dreams
i never wanted to chase you but you always move farther until my hands trembles and seeks more of you
i can't turn you back nor expect you to be what you weren't today
time

bedtime musings, part II.

i've read the first prose i've written for you months ago while listening to midnight sky inside the class.
it feels like we were alone with art, literature, music, sadness and fear.

fear that you might be farther away soon.
more distant than where you were today.
and though i wanted to hold you, i may not be able to do so.
you were the only right among the fifty question exam, the sole answer.

i know you, like my favorite place, your scent will always be my most familiar one, and your hand would always be my honor to hold.
tu me manques.
you are missing from me.

hate and agony

you see, as i was stirring my iced coffee and felt it near my chest, i never thought the outside cold could keep me warm

the same way the fire ablazed could quench the numb, making me feel a different brew, late morning of 120th independence day.

hate. i took my first sip--
the long journey of the cold water down my throat to my grumbling stomach
i thought of yours,

for all the days i've met anew
dark and blank thoughts you've thrown aflew

for all the cold nights and misty mornings

for all the rush i felt was true,
your breeze will the hardest to take my mind off to

---

agony. i was halfway through---
the hazy surrounding clouds my mind
my body was calling for a trickle of water
while my rhyme has gone awry

i've been feeling your leaving
how it'll awaken my demons and long for--
the apologies and paradoxes,
your scent and your smile,
the voice that screams through my mind.

i never knew how
and now i feel like i am getting ready for something i should have been on feet for
i never knew how to start
when all this long i've been seeing the omega
i never knew how to end this and pack my bags
that in the morning i kiss you goodbye
i'd be awaken from a dream, an epic of mystery and sadness

and i will feel a hole in my heart for something missing i left from that dream--
my guide as i wandered through the tangled vines and flooded streams
my feet when i couldn't stand and my mouth when i couldn't speak
the armor who covered the darkness with light--

---

as i open my eyes,
let me find you.
and allow me as my eyes bleeds to the ground
searching for your tracks

that is why i am telling you
don't sleep tight
i won't let go of that light

i would have held your hands tighter along the alley way
but i didn't
and you know why

i would have slow danced you in the midst of that railway
but i didn't
and you know why

i would have looked straight into your soul that afternoon
but i just glanced
and you kept staring

i would have given my heart wholly
but you already have another's half
and we both know

To all who have loved:

If fear is thus vanquished
by the stars
or the being above it
perhaps the psyche

i would have believe in the stars
and how i would have prayed to god
and face the other side of my mind

you were the only choice among the series of accidents
the expected among the unexpected
the answer to the long-held questions
the miracle among the mysteries

i wish i could draw you in my mind
the same way it could hear your voice
and differentiate every emotion in every song
i was writing on my way out of the darkness
and i wish i wouldn't get out

if by chance, it would be the hurt i will be willing to receive
the pain i'm all the way through willing to feel
every minute, every second
the agony i'll be willing to wait

you were the only choice i wanted to take
you were the first.

let's say, we are in our phones right now

and if we do not communicate

it was as if we are not in company of each other

but when someone's physically around

you could just enjoy the silence.

and be practically fine and contented

Can I take a pleasure to tell you that you feel like a classic Ricky Lee novel? Like a book in the middle of the bookshelf, a contemporary cover with soft edges and pleasant scent. How I'd love to reread certain pages and write the awkward phrases. You feel like a contradiction of genres written in a parched paper. Like an invitation I wasn't allowed to partake, like a victory I wasn't allowed to celebrate.

It was a futile attempt to be brave for what seems to be dangerous. As the revered Chinese General, Sun Tzu says, "There is no instance of a country having benefited from prolonged warfare." And thus here I was in the midst of joy and despair, of serotonin-filled crib around books and morning coffees.

I was a morning person and you were on the other side of horizon, dreamy and hopeful: a free-spirit composed of philosophical inquiries and fear all happening at the same time behind the wee hours of what seems to be our different timezones.

You were the most unpredictable poem I've ever written, smitten by what-nots and could have been and a pretty idea that cannot be grasp or taken a hold of. I was vanquished, not from the laid back smile or performative gestures; but from the moment I felt your soul, and like how an abyss stares back at the illusion of two lost pain-stricken entities ******* their fears of death by lacking.

The deities saw how you admired the position of the stars and blessed your heart with love so much that it turned to curse of overflowing mana. And everything served too much is always intoxicating: it would always feel good at the beginning, and that was where the chills are coming and from there where the warmth was consuming all of a sudden burning like forest fires; blazing like burned down public libraries of chapped and dog-eared pages turned and smearned and spite upon: and the question of how does a memory turn into ashes and hatred.

It was like trying to push a half-empty door which creaks and awaken everyone outside, alarming the house owner of an impending doom; of snatching a precious dime shining through the window, reflecting the harsh heat of the sun. I was the thief who was unmasked and decorated with bright and colorful façade, but I prayed, oh how I prayed for you. Exactly the same you, who wasn't too much and wasn't too less.

A lighthouse in the middle of the dessert, if that made sense, and though you were the guide, I cannot pass through you and while you were the light, I couldn't grasp through your rays to save me. The quicksand was like an ocean on my feet, grabbing my toes and tickling my knees until it comes to an abrupt stop unto my nose where I ******* breathe you in.

All I wished were the fireflies replacing the butterflies inside my chest; coming home to a familiar scent; all I wished was your embrace when I finally open my arms to the idea of love—and not fantasize every beginning and romanticize about the end. I wanted to lay my baggage down slowly and have someone look at me in my lips, clawing my longing with an abrupt kiss. I wish there was you, who would understand every fear I had: "I understand." Who wouldn't argue with how I see the constellations and what hue joy must be or which temperature I freeze to death. "How was your day?" A question never of monotony and despair but rather a whole new different perspective. It will always be as the same day I saw you, it will always be the same as I first talked to you, it will always be beautiful as long as you were near, as long as you were there.

However in the long run, I couldn't really tell of the things I might spoil and ruin. With that, I would always wonder about what it could have been.

That's what it is, if i could aptly describe it: Push and pulls.

in a memoir of contemporaries,
of trite and clichè
polluting a stream of profound musings,
of forgotten music and hymns
of convoluting expressions,
of white noise and hissing frequencies,
an audible noise as cold as the breeze:
a humming sound that puts the world at ease

worst tragedies come before the sweetest ode
realms of fiction-steered reality abode
of what could life rob from death?
woe to the wicked seeking light!
a sea of unsaid apologies it has been
close your eyes to the beauty of sin
of history, of myth raising banners of defeat

why do you mind?
let him cry if he wishes
for he longs
he seeks for the womb which gave him comfort
and now out of the woods
tragically spinning like webs
and mobs colonizing dungeons

this morning smells like poetry
the gushing artificial wind
and the man-made tears
crumpling the image of serenity
minimizing thoughts and allusion
scavenging memories and past
of diluted emotions and fears

when i first saw you
i've already let you go

when i met you,
i was ready to bid goodbye

when we talked
i was already writing my farewell

when our eyes collide
i was ready to turn blind

if we ever touch,
i couldn't have let you go

i want you to remind me
how the moon and the stars above
glance and hides how shy they were
whenever your voice soothes the trees and living creatures, reverberating the paradox of joy and sadness in your giggle

i want you to remind me
how the ends will never be the means of loving and that saturating my soul with your presence is more than i could ever receive, a reality unmet with circumstances of chains upon ourselves

i want you to remind me
how long it would take to consume the universe on your palm or the life in one single breath, or the night with a hymn that lights up my way home

i want you to remind me
of remembering goodbyes and hellos
the mellow sound of now and the agonizing tomorrow swifting its way to uncanny sound of laughter and sniffed tears

i want you to remind me
that there are more to life than we ever thought of: death, absence, nothingness

i want you to remind me
that i could always see the mirror of myself in your brushed short hair, chapped lips and past you never left behind, just the like the songs i've made to remind how unusual semblance of people unites hearts and eventually tear them apart

i want you to remind me
of the days where i loved deeply and without hesitation or fear of falling behind or the anxiety of losing what i never had in the first place

i want you to remind me of the days like this
where the smile in my face meant the world, home, and happiness from your single hello or the way you tilt your head and stare and smile and laugh or when your cheeks blush and swims together with the universe in your eyes and the waters deeply engraved in your fingers how the waves strum the music in your spirit and soul

how i want you to remember,

the way i will remind you:

i will remind you of how i love seeing you mess around and make everyone happy, your vain and cuddly smile behind the tint of the sun, along the banquets of academics and artists

i will remind you of how assured i was that you were whom i prayed for to a nonexistent deity of the wind and beauty; how i wished to feel its rush as i roam around, and steep-down the wheels, continuously weighing down unafraid of a valley of morality and questions

i will remind you of the philosophy of the meaninglessness of existence and how life was never the meaning but pain of waiting for death; you made it bearable and the ample grace of your heart is what i'll keep to my future journeys of seeking what i would trade for life itself enduring the morning commutes and cruelty of mischievous eyes

i will remind you of the day i saw you, and how tall you stand as me or how shy i was whenever i was in front of the crowd, but most of the time you give me the strenght to brush off what everyone would say

i will remind you of the day, and the days to come
i will not ask for more or less, it will be enough, and i hope with that, i will be enough, and i, hope you would always remind me #

nagkaro'n ng kahulugan ang pananatili
para sa mga pinagkaitan ng liwanag
hindi ba maaaring kanlungin mo ang lahat?
o manganak nang manganak mula sa sugat?
gano'n ba kadaling hukayin ang pangarap
at kuning muli at alisan ng tatak?
paano lilingon nang walang luhang papatak?

hindi lamang pagtalikod ang pamamaalam
o pagpahid ng mansanilya sa pusong nilamutak at sinasagasaan
pasasaan ay lilisan, ngunit bakit hinayaan **** mangyari nang mabilisan?
walang daan, walang paraan, kung paano ngingiti ang isang kaibigan.

Isang-libo, siyam na raan, siyamnapu't-siyam
Nang una nilang marinig ang pagtangis

Dalawang libo't labing-walo
Napakarami kong gustong bigkasin
Pero nauutal ako't lumalabas pagiging utak alipin
Para sa'yo sana, gusto ko pa ring sabihin,
Na, patawad Felipe, kung kay hirap **** mahalin

Wala ako nang tumangis ka kay Macoy
Huli kong nalaman ang tungkol kay Luisita
Masyado pa ba 'kong musmos upang ibigin ka?

Lubha lamang daw akong bata
Nagpupuyos ang damdamin
Walang pang kaalaman magdesisyon ng tama
Mapusok at madaling matangay
Manatili na lamang daw ako sa klase,
at kinabukasan ko'y sa mataas na marka ibase

Kaya't pinilit kong hindi pakinggan ang pagdaing mo
Ano bang alam ko upang magalit, maghimagsik?

Batid ko man ang kasaysayan mo sa mga prayle, kano't hapon, labis ko pa ngang inidolo si Luna't Bonifacio noon

Hindi ba't namatay rin sila sa kasibulan nang dahil sa'yo?
Natatakot ako, na balang araw iyon rin ang sapitin ko sa piling mo
Mainit ang puso ko, pero malamig ang paa't kamay
Hindi ko kayang palayain ka
Tipid ang boses ko upang ipagsigawan ka
Nagtagpo tayo sa panahong akala ko malaya ka na

Hindi ka pa pwedeng umiyak
Hangga't hindi pa tapos ang lahat
Ano bang alam mo upang magalit, maghimagsik?

Ngunit hindi ko kayang lumingon pabalik
Hindi ko kayang matulog muli nang wala ang 'yong halik
Hindi ko kayang mahimbing nang wala ang mga gunita

Dekada Sitenta.
Bungkos ng namumuong nana
Nilalapnos ng kumukulong tubig
Dumaranak ang dugo sa sarili **** balat
Tumatalilis at tinatanggalan ng bayag

Paiikutin ang roleta't ipuputok sa sintido
Ihihiga ang katawan sa bloke ng yelo
Papasuin ng upos ng sigarilyo
Ibabalanse ang katawan hangga't may lakas pa ang kabayo
Hindi ito mga metaporang naririnig ko lang sa mga kwento

Hindi na ako magtataka kung may diyos pa ba
A kung kahit isang beses nilingon ka man lang niya



Kung ang nakikita ng mata ay dumudurog ng puso
At ang mga salita ay pumapainlalang

Silang 'di nakaririnig ay dapat kalampagin
Hampasin ang higanteng pintuan at sipain
Ang pader na marmol na walang bintana
Galit na sumusunog ng patay na tala
Hindi kumakalma, pilit nagbabaga, nagtatangka

Ano bang alam ko upang magalit, maghimagsik?
Maaari ko bang palitan ng paglilingkod ang iyong biyaya?
Mas madali naman siguro magsalita
Kung 'di mo batid ang paghangos ng maralita


Mainit ang puso ko, pero malamig ang paa't kamay
Hindi ko kayang palayain ka
Tipid ang boses ko upang ipagsigawan ka
Nagtagpo tayo sa panahong akala ko malaya ka na

Nang masulyapan ka nang unang mabuksan ang aking paningin
Gusto ka lang naman palaging kita ng mata
Wala pa man natatakot na akong makitang umiiyak ka
Mas mapalad ba ang mga bulag o tulad kong piring ang mata?
Hinayaan mo akong maging alipin
Itinatatwa ko ang araw na namulat ako
Ang hirap naman kasing maka-usad mula sa'yo
Matapos mabura ang mga kasinungalingang sa'yo'y ibinabato
Kumbaga, ikaw 'yung maraming sakit na pinagdaanan, dadagdag pa ba 'ko?
Patawad
Oh, Felipe, kay hirap **** mahalin

Habang binabasa ko ang kasaysayan ****
Nagaganap pa rin hangang sa ngayon
Parang itinutulak ang aking sikmura
At ang balat ko'y nagsisiklabo
Hindi tumitigil ang mga luha

Ilang taon matapos maghalal ng bagong pangulo
Pinaulanan ng bala ang mga humihingi ng reporma


Dalawang-libo't apat
Matapos ang tatlong dekada
Mga batas na pabor lang sa mayama't may kaya

Gusto lang naman namin mabuhay
Nang hindi inaagaw ang aming kabuhayan
Nagtatanim ng bala't hindi binhi
Umaani ng bangkay hindi punla

Lupa mo'y hinulma ng dugo
Parang imbes na pataba ay pulbura ang inaabono
Para bang ang buhay ko sa'yo'y Walang katapusang pakikibaka
Para bang ang inaani ko'y dusa sa Buong buhay na pagsasaka


Dalawanlibo't-siyam
Matapos ang apat na taon

Kinikitil nila isa-isa ang mamamahayag
Nilibing ng traktora't patong-patong ang buto't balat
Pinagkanulo mo at hayagang pumayag
Mga berdugong hinayaan mo lang lumayag

Dalawang libo't labing-lima
Nangingisay sa walang habas na pangraratrat
Hanggang huling hininga'y maubos, mawala sa ulirat
Apatnapu't-apat **** mandirigma
Lumusong sa mapanganib na kagubatan na walang dalang sandata o pananggalang man lang
Malupit ka, hanggang saan ipagtatanggol ang laya mo?
Hindi pa ba sapat ang lahat ng luha?
Nagsasakripisyo para sa hindi siguradong pagkakakilanlan bilang Pilipino


Ikalawang Milenya.
Ngayon naririnig ko na ang pagpapatahimik laban sa karapatan **** magpahayag
Nagsasakripisyo ng dugo ng mga tupa
Para sa huwad na pag-unlad
Pinapatay ng bala ang uhay
Habang matapos tapakan ang upos ng sigarilyo,
Pagtatalunan ang dilaw at pula
Kung sino ba ang mas dakila
Aastang **** na tagapagligtas
Na siyang hawak ang lahat ng lunas
Napakarami nang diyos sa kasaysayan
Pawang dinikta, ibinigkis ang kalayaan

Ninais kong mahiga na lamang at hintayin ang bukang liwayway
Na pinangarap din noon ng mga ilustrado't rebolusyunaryong mararangal
Wala nang lunas ang sumpa ng edukasyon
Magpalaya ng isipang noo'y nakakahon

Wala sa akin noon ang lakas ng bagyo
Hanggang sa nabatid kong malulunod na rin ako
Wala akong nagawa kundi tumangis

Felipe, lumuluha ka rin ba? nasasaktan ka pa ba o manhid ka na?

Gayunpaman, tahan na, Felipe, tahan na.

Maaari na ba 'kong magsulat muli?
Wala nang pagkakaiba ang pula at puti
Sa dilim na bumabalot unti-unti
Lalamunin ng dagat ang buhanginan
at tatapyasin ng hangin magulo kong isipan
Maghihimutok ang buwan sa araw na nagdaan
na hindi ka sinuyo o kinausap man lang
Aaraw na sa mga susunod pang oras
Tutuyuin ang pag-agos ng ilog na marahas
Walang direksyon ang kamay kong nanginginig
Nagniniig, sumisikip, kumakapit sa malamig na ukit
ng paghaplos ng mga mata sa larawan mo
Nagtatalo, nagpupumiglas, ang hawlang banat at butas
Lilimutin ko ang kapayapaan ng iyong mga labi
na walang sinambit na salitang ihahabi
Ang oras na hinintay upang masabi
na darating din ang huli at takipsilim
Babalutin ka't kakanlungin sa aking lambing
Hindi ka na mag-iisa't lalasapin ang ligaya
Katulad **** nalulumbay mag-isa ako dito sa'king hukay
Hawakan mo naman ako sa aking pagkakahimlay
Sa bituin **** kumikislap ako'y natatangay
Nawawalan ng malay kumakaway sa ngiti
Nawawala ang pighati't lumalaya ang mga berso
Kumakawag sa lalim ng karagatang inilimlim
Ako sa hangin na para bang inakay na naghihintay
Naghihintay pa rin at nalulumbay kung wala ka
Para bang hindi nauubusan ng salita
Lumalamang ang hiya na kahit kailan Mayroon bang sapat upang mahalin ka't hangaan ang iyong bawat galaw
Bawat perpeksyong hindi alintana ang mali
Sa inpatuwasyon ng pagkabulag ko
Hindi nakita ang pagbagsak
ng luha ng tuhod ng balikat sa kaba
Sa isang iglap naglaho ka na akala ko ba
Ako ang nang-iwan sa ginaw kong aba

titingnan ko kung may natira pa rin ba sa latak ng tinta ng 'yong alaala o ipinipilit ko lang na palabasin ang iyong anino sa lahat ng aking nakikita o nadarama.

sana makalimutan na kita, kahit pa mahal kita. sa totoo lang nagtapos ang lahat sa isang pagkakamali: ang iwan ka matapos makahanap ng iba. akala ko masyado na kitang mahal at pagkakataon namang ilaan ko ang pagal kong puso para sa iba, pero hindi 'yon nangyari. bumabalik lamang ako sa'yo sa tuwing nakikita ko ang ngiti nila mula sa'yo, o ang mahahaba **** pilikmata kung nakapikit ang mga mata at tangan ang iyong ulo sa balikat ko.

nagniningning ka kahit madaling araw. ang pagkaway ng buwan sa tuwing titingala ako ang nagkakanlong sa ating mga gunita. ikaw ang nakikita ko sa lahat ng aking mga inibig at susubukang ibigin.  ikaw lang ang kaya kong balikan matapos layuan. ikaw lang.

ikaw lang ang hindi ko kayang hagkan o halikan kahit gusto ko man. nais kong hawakan ang 'yong kamay o hawiin ang mga buhok sa mukha at tuluyan nang halikan
sa noo.
ikaw lang ang kaya kong lubusang mahalin na hindi ko puwedeng gawin, dahil
takot ako.
lumipas na ang maraming taon ngunit nasasakin pa rin ang takot kong 'to. ang sabi nila matatakutin daw ako, oo pero hindi sa multo o engkanto, kung hindi sa pagmamahal na hindi totoo at mabilis maglaho. hindi ganoon ang pag-ibig ko, marahil ang pag-ibig mo, pero natakot din ako sa'yo. dahil gusto mo pang maglaro at malaki na ako para diyan.

ayaw kong maglaro pa ng habulan o mataya-taya.
hindi na ako bata.
tanggalin mo na ang piring sa mata dahil sa hanapan daga, ako lang ang tanging sasalubong sa'yo at magsasabing, "simula't simula pa lang, ako na ang talo, ako na ang taya."

i'm afraid to touch you

hell, what am i gonna do?
if i unconsciously held you in my arms
and told you i loved you
for the longest time i held back
from touching you
god, what am i gonna do
if my fingertips suddenly traced your cheeks
and had my soul drawn
by your million galaxy eyes
heaven knows, what i could do
if i touched your hips and the back of your neck
and carressed your hair
tucked it behind your ears
demons living inside me
might devour your lips and enter your mouth
rummage your tongue and live inside you

i'm afraid to touch you

you weren't
you've always had your hand beside me
but i couldn't take the risk
what if it's just me?

i'm afraid to touch you

you're not worth-taking the risk
i've held my heart behind the bars of my ribs
for how much long i could possibly lead
a short time of euphoria is never a risk
i would be willing to take for a second of bliss
guess suffering wouldn't be called so
if having you all the time is all i could afford
that i'll be more than willing to hoard

i'm afraid to touch you

you have no idea
how i've been on my wit's end
you have no idea
how you were a huge tease
the sun rises
the sun sets
but the only thing constant
would be my feeling's change
it grows more each day
and wants you more like a prayer

you have no idea
why i would not embrace you
when all i wanted to do was to do so
every morning and evening of my life
you have no idea,
why i won't hold your hand back
when all i wanted to do was to show them
it was mine
or it could have been mine
you were wondering why i froze with your gaze
you have no idea
how my heart pumps deuce
how my veins expand

and you call me red
when all i feel was blue
the coldness of my feet
the winter in my hand
the constrictor in my lungs
you were wondering why i won't look at you
you have no idea
because i look when no one else does
because i look at you not the way others can see you

i wish i wasn't afraid to touch you
i wish i was selfish
when it comes to you

Sa susunod kong iibigin

Hindi ko nais ng mga larawan
Nakasabit sa mundo upang maarawan
Dahil hindi ito isang bulaklak sa halamanan
Tubig ang kailangan ng mga bakawan
At ang kuwadro ng bulalakaw ay sa kalangitan

Hindi ko nais ng mga larawan
Hindi mapurol ang lente ng aking mga mata
Upang palitan ang pagsulyap ko sa'yo ng isang shot ng camera
Nais kong tingnan ang mga labi mo't makita
Ang kurba nito't pula,
Taingang nag-iinit kung bibiruin kamo kita
Sa tuwing sasabihin kong ikaw ay maganda

Hindi ko nais malaman nila
Hindi sa inaangkin kong akin ka
Dahil ikaw ay sa mga tala, kailanma'y hindi ko pag-aari ka
Hindi ko nais malaman nila
Dahil ang nasa labas ay madalas ipinapakita lamang ay maganda
At ang larawan kung minsan ay imahe ng hindi totoo
Ng saglit na pagtipa kung 'aayon ba sila dito?'

Maikling pagtatagpong hindi itinadhana
Hindi ko nais na sa loob ng kwadrong ito ka maalala
May kwento ang bawat larawan
At madalas sa mga ito ay pulos pighati lamang

Hindi ko nais na umayon sa lipunan at kung ano ang kanyang idinidikta
Hindi ko nais dumating ang araw na tatanungin kita kung totoo ka ba

Why did I let myself
Leave a first love
A keepsake from a blissful childhood
Being kept for long until the day
Starts to fade and bring me to oblivion

Just as I realize
I started picking up the sword again
Slash the throats of those beasts
Let the darkness devour the outside

Oh how I wanted to come back to the first love
I left behind the changing tides
Now it takes tears to tame
Sweat and blood for those open arms
Of that beautiful dame

Here I am again
Whining like them
****** songs in my ears
Holding up my long held tears
******* music in my mind
Rapping like your annoying words

Here I am again
Blurring my sight
Boiling my blood expanding my veins
Why the **** does this EDM music have loud vocals
Makes them sound like the accent of locals

Here I am again
Trying to exist
Enduring a ****** phase
I wonder why I did

Here I am again
I was in love when I came here
I stayed devastated
I ended up coming back worst

how do you love someone like, properly?
this question lingers on my mind
because when was the last time i did?

when was the last time my ego wasn't fed
with words that truly hurt i carelessly said?
when was the last time i lie down on bed
thinking if not for grace i would have been dead

that grace was love, the blood of those who bled

i forgot how to love someone
because when was the last time i did?
how do you let feelings progress
how do you let your guard down
and let both of you drown

i forgot how you should take care of someone you love
let the flowers bloom in winter
and in summer don't let them wither

i want to remember as much as you do
to take courage and stop feeling blue
everyone has no clue
that this ****** poem is for you
i'm not even sure if this is true
because i can't remember the right kind of hue
to call this love or just fondness of you
just please don't say i love you too
i want to remember first what it is like to love you
without remembering a sad story of me and her
the time passed and i have endured
but loving others beside her is too much to bear
i know but i never did but please remember i care
i just want to find the lost love i can't find anywhere
the one i thought would last the wear and tear

i want to remember how to love properly
the one where you don't feel insecure with someone's love
that you feel that the love is more than enough
to doubt any move or a subtle laugh
and when you got anxious having heard her cough
searching everywhere to find the right drug
to be an antidote to this pain called love

when you feel like you were the extension of her
when you don't wanna stay away and just stare
without having fear of running away
without having fear of a fading love
without having to forget how to love

kailan ba nabuhay ang mga manunulat?

sa lahat pagkakataon, kumukuha lang sila ng materyal, ng inspirasyon, ng hangin sa baga ng apoy.

kung iniisip **** ibinigay na nila ang lahat sa'yo, pakaisipin mo ring marami silang nakuha mula sa'yo: ang alon ng buhok mo, ang tsokolate **** mata, pantay na mga ngipin, nakakaakit **** ngiti

ngunit higit sa lahat nang 'yon, ikaw pa rin ang talo, bakit?
dahil minahal ka nila upang iguhit nang tulad nang sa mga pintor: delikado, misteryoso at orihinal.

kahit pa ilang tauhan na ang nagdaan, makikita mo ang pagkakaiba ng oras, panahon at lugar; pagkapusyaw at pagkalamlam, katingkaran o putla ng kulay mo sa tuwing magkahawak kayo ng kamay.

ikaw ang talo, dahil kahit sinong gagawa ng sariling istorya, ikaw; na tinutukoy niya ay ang laging kontrabida. 'hanggat hindi natututong magsulat ang leon, palaging papupurihan ng mga istorya ang mandirigma.'
ikaw ang nang-iwan, unang nilapitan, unang bumitaw sa magpakailanman,
ang hindi lumingon

sa bawat pagtawag sa pangalan **** kirot na ngayon ang katumbas
para bang kalamansing piniga sa sugat na kailanma'y di naghilom at naglaho.
pero sa panahong bumakat na sa papiro ang mga letra, hindi na lamang siya ang luluha sa pagkawala mo, ni maiihi sa kwentong una kayong nagkatagpo

kailan ba nagkaroon ng pagkakataong inisip lamang ng manunulat ang ngayon at hindi ang bukas na isusulat niya ang mga nangyari nang araw na 'yon?

ang unang beses mo siyang halikan sa pisngi, ang panay na pagdantay mo sa kanyang balikat at pagkahawak sa kanyang braso?

kailan ba niya malilimutan at ilang beses pa niyang pauulit-ulitin ang gunita ng pagpatak ng mga luha mo sa harapan niya nang walang dahilan kundi dahil masaya kang kasama siya?

kailan ba nabuhay ang isang eskribo?

sa simula pa lamang ng panahon, kasiping niya gabi-gabi ay ang tinta ng pluma at papel sa harap ng init ng gasera at nagbabagang puso.

mamahalin ka niya gamit ang buhay na mga salita
papatayin ka niya hangga't di ka na makaahon sa lalim ng bangin kung saan inimbak ang pagtingin niya sa'yo
nabuhay siya nang dumating ka
nang mga panahong ang mga oras ng kabataan ay itinatapon na, ikaw ang naging gasolina
upang magliyab siya
oo ikaw na irog niya

nabuhay siya upang buhayin ka magpakailanman

Nakalimot ako
Kung paanong magsulat
Ng isang akdang pampanitikan
Hindi ko na muli alam kung papaanong
Sisimulan o tatapusin o hahabiin
Ang kalagitnaan ng walang katapusang salita
Nakalimot ako
Naubusan ako ng tinta dahil
Nagmahal yata ng iba
Wala na akong papel sa buhay mo
O sa ibang taong
Taon-taon na lamang sa simula ng taon
Pinangarap kong makasama upang makita ang mga lumilipad na parol
Nakalimot ako
Sa nagdaang taon
Paano ko nga ba ikinulong ang sarili sa isang kahon
Nanatili roon ng mahabang panahon
Nagdugo ng mga letra para sa kanyang patron
Paano?
Paano ko naalala ang maliliit na bagay na nagdulot ng hapdi
At ibaling iyon sa papel na akala ko ay mayroon ako
Nakalimot akong kalimutan ka at ang iyong alaalang wala naman talaga
Kasi diba?
Hindi naman tayo magkakilala
Nakalimot ako kung sino ka
Isang taong hindi ko na nais kilalanin pa.

Fantasy and alcohol blends the most peculiar way
The two ingredients to a lover's immortality
Was the hallucination and escape from reality

Naneun, Yeon Feisu Imnida
Reared from a turkish tribe
Faced the border's Yuan army

The commander who had the Silk Road
Daughter of General Batolu
A warrior, who had lost her mind

The warzone was full of blood and loss
The battlefield was full of corpse
Their bodies crying for the agony to end

You, a deposed Goryo monarch
Spared my life from hellfire
Left to breathe in shame and sorrow

Left with no chance to live
With dignity and honor
I became your lifeless subject

I picked up the sword
Buried the last ounce of hope
For my tribe, my home
Whom you conquered

A hunt for Gumihos and Tigers
You threw yourself as prey
To save the chased nine-tailed fox

The emperor's most favored consort
You dare stare at your possible death
And took the blade for her sake

While I took the poison arrow
You dared show me your weakness
I dared mend your wounded chest

I tried to unlove you
So I could protect you,
For I'll never have your heart

There will always be two martyrs:
The oppressed and the oppresor
The protected and the protector

I wish I could rest from the battle
I fought alone
And find my own path

I had to leave  
For my life is of my tribe
I left, having the concern in your eyes

Maari ko bang masabing, iniiwasan ko ang pag-ibig?
Para bang sinasabi kong pinipigilan ko na ang huminga?
Lumanghap ng buhay at magtaboy ng karamay?
Sinasabi ko ring araw-araw na ang aking lamay

Hindi ako sumusulat ng tula ng poot
Pawang pag-ibig lamang na sa dugo'y nanunuot
Pagkahalina sa pag-iisa at paglalakbay
Pag-ibig na lamang ang sa tao'y bumubuhay

Iniibig ko ay hindi ang tinubuang lupa
Kundi sa mundong unos na ang sinagupa
Hinati ng porma ng pag-ibig sa sarili at kapwa
Nang bakuran, tinatawag nating ngayong mga bansa

Kung ang ideya ng mga tao'y di magkakapareho
Paanong lahat tayo'y magkakasundo?
Pag-ibig na dalisay sa pagtanggap
Hindi huwad, malinis at di nagpapanggap

Along the busy streets, where
Trains were the great vessels,
I found you at the wee hours
Enchanted by the look in your eyes
Aloof with the roughness of your voice
Rain poured, however
No one knew, but I myself
Vain were the emotions I felt
Ash as your sea crashing hair
Hindered by the directions of the wind
Green leaves had withered
Alms had been given
Mourning had subsided
Lost, I was trying to find my way back
Right where you sat, glanced
Today, the trains had stopped
Alleviating the heavy flow, stuck
Leaving the mix of smoke and your scent
Sedating further, the numbness
Escavenger to your remnants
Another half a  year has to come

Stargazing
:  the quality or state of being absentminded

I was staring at the stars above
Looking at those dead stardust
Not a thing would ever last
Even the curse of lust

It was a cold stormy night
I was drunk, you blurred my sight
That day I was the stage
And you were my fright

My ears were ringing,
My heart was racing
Nauseous to your scent
Oblivion of the dangers ahead

Your lips was an incense
Mine was a flicker of fire
Have I cited your eyes?
It was feisty cold as ice

I was murmuring my agony
The nightmares of my country
I have disputes my self
Fighting inside my head


Set yourself free, you said
You're no living dead
I woke up lying on the wrong bed
I dreamed again instead

A soldier in war raging
I've always been longing
For that piece of piece
And a subtle kiss

I'm mourning for my lost poem
Which took ages to hone
After which I was alone
Feeling the heat of my burning bones
I can't remember every word
But those were the treasures I hoard
In my heart, in my mind always aboard
I fail save to it for the last time
Disconnected from the world
My forgetfulness became its death

I'm so frustrated, I want..

I want to see you face to face
I want hold your hand
I want to embrace you
I want to be with you when you cry
I want to cheer you up when you're giving up
I want to know you
I want to kiss your lips
I want to love you
I, I want to have you
I want to meet you
I want to tell you how I knew you
I want you to know I'm in pain because of you
I want you to see how happy I am that you exist
I want to.. but I cant

While writing an academe paper
I thought, why not do this later?
For my mind worries about the noises
The galloping of the horses inside my chest!

I wait for them to sleep
Before I could write
I wait for them to subside,
The horsemen, to finish the fight

They were the maybes that hunts me down
The consenquences of running away,
Were the pain caused by my heart's decay
That enslaved me like I was its own

What a fool I was to see this wrong
When  a vicious bear interrupts a campfire song
I hide inside the circle I drew myself
Finding comfort in isolation

While the bear, all along was inside me
The fear I sealed back when I was child
That wherever I hide they'll never find me
It was my loss that I didn't come out
When they finished the game and it was was over

Now that I became a little older
You became the drunkenness
I still wasn't over
Whom I cannot talk about sober

Someone's peeking behind my back
I was always afraid for them to see my thoughts
Someone's intruding the along the block
I feel uneasy so I constantly turn my back

See? I am making these excuses
Wasting my brain juices
With useless poems you may not read
For what a mouth could it feed?

Do you know how busy i am?
You'll never know
Do you know i fancy you so much?
You'll never know

I have no time for metaphors
For I am running behind a deadline
It runs over me
I'd like to pour my heart
But I am too empty
To fill you

I have no time to think of you
Regret the things i do beforehand whenever i fall
I have no time to mourn for you
Expecting a miraculous anonymous call

Maybe i was just bewildered with the idea That someone as you exist
Somehow I'll meet you before the world resists to cease
For I was made to believe that it is not vast
And I wish you'll be the last

Maybe i was just amused by your alluring charm, your funny words, your moves
That make my heart skip with the beat of the bass
Maybe I was just curious how your cherry lips taste
How it'll compliment the bitterness of my mouth

Maybe i was just being giddy, irrational human
Who seeks love and affection
Maybe you just excite me so much
Maybe we just share the same thoughts, we like the same activities and people and ideologies

maybe that's it
maybe... no, i hope
i hope i am not fallen into trance again
i hope, not

two ingredients into falling inlove;
cologne and caffeine