Pause
When the force of others assumption filled judgments stop you in your tracks
Telling you
What to wear
How to act
And
Who to love

Breathe
You are not the only one questioning the World right now the questions we have take time to answer but they will come


Repeat
These words
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I be free from inner and outer harm
May I care for myself joyfully

Take care of yourself

I am tired of hearing these thoughts of mine
Waiting for a miraculous change of body and soul driven by hope and nothing more

The sick feeling lying heavy deep in my chest never passes
It is always waiting for a opportunity to plant doubt and create more sadness    

My own personal enemy

I am a girl lost inside herself

Drowning in my thoughts
held down by my worries
paralyzed by my fears

I am a girl who searches for life long connections in dark and cold places
a unbalanced combination of sugar and spice with a hint of anxiety and notes of don't touch Me I'm self conscious

I look for meaning in words left unsaid and misdirected affections which almost always leave me lonelier that before

My rare moments of bravery overshadowed by self proclaimed failures and regrets I am too tired to carry anymore

I am a girl lost inside herself found floating on the hopes of tomorrow
I am worried about the future and wonder if self exceptance is on the horizon
I wonder if I will have children and if I will raise them right
I wonder if one day I will feel pride in my body
I wonder if I will be okay on my own
I wonder what tomorrow holds

I am a girl who struggles with how much is enough and what is too much
Lost in my dreams and what it means to live a full life

Thoughts defining actions
Wishes defining thoughts
I am a girl lost inside herself

I hope you know I heard you

Every comment said at a hush tone
Every crooked look my way
You
The boy who would rather call the girl you love fat to all of your friends than admit you love her
Too afraid to be honest so you turn to cruelty
The pathetic way out

I don’t have time to wait for you too change
I am too tired to hold onto your insecurities for you so I’m setting them down

I’m putting all of my hurt feelings and doubts on a shelf and letting them sit there
In the morning I will throw them away along with every love letter written and flower gifted

I am going to step into the shower and wash away the feel of you off of my skin
Wash the sound of your voice out of my mind
Rinse the way you smile at me out of my hair
When I am done I will wrap myself in my own love and once again I will be enough
me
a beautiful fat girl standing all alone
But this time being alone won’t bother me

One pillow
Between my legs
I hold it there at night giving myself a false Sense of security and a curve to my spine That says I love you

Two pillow
Wrapped around my arms
The illusion of your sturdy chest
Heart beating
Your skin warm against my cheek
I am safe here with your arms around my hips  
Our legs tangled together like two Perfectly woven pieces of fabric
Heartbeats sync
Eyes slowly close
I love you’s whispered

Open your eyes

One pillow
Between my legs giving me a false sense of security and a strong stiff spine

Two pillow
I wrap my arms around it tight
Wishing you had a sturdy heart
Wishing you were here

But pillow thoughts are always hopeful for things that will never be.

You are not alone
They call us
*****
Intense
High strung
All because they can’t handle us

Our truth is too powerful for them
They tremble and fear our power
So much
That the only way for them to justify their Own insecurities is to put us down

The aggressive girls are the ones with so
Much truth in their hearts that it blinds People who stare with jealousy
The world can not push us into conformity So they try to put us down
Making half jokes so they don’t get in Trouble for what they said
“I was kidding”
“Don’t take everything so seriously”
“It was a joke”
People who hide behind fake laughter Always get put in their place

Remember
When they put you down
Pick at your wounds
Try to infect your mind
You are the one who is winning.

I have grown tired of people telling me about my body
That these little Red lines that speckle my skin should never see the light of day

I have Grown tired of pulling shirts down and pants up
Applying remedies to the red hot blush of my shame

This body of mine
Blessed with the gift of life
Smothered with chemicals designed Tighten
Tone
Erase

For what?

When I come home and wash it all away
I am still left standing here with myself
Red
And
Raw

A girl who was told that to be beautiful and desirable
Little red lines can never be seen.