I want to love again
But my heart is too cold
There is this girl
That I would love to hold

But my heart just won't work
For its been crushed to pieces
It lies in a pile of fear
And the pain only increases

I want to try to love again
But I haven't the motivation
Time just hasn't healed me yet
Because of the fabrication

I've been hiding from the truth
Which means I haven't quite admitted
So the healing process is slower
Because I haven't quite committed

I'm stuck in this sadness
And it hurts when I rush
My hearts the one failing
It's hers I don't wanna crush

Yes I like her
But I'm clearly not ready
With my emotions on edge
I'm just not steady

So I have to let this one go
Because she needs someone strong
I really want to sweep her away
But this timing is so wrong

I sit alone; insecure and silent.
I am not who I want to be.
My fingers tremble, empty and frightened,
The world surrounding seems worry-free.

And I feel cold and lost and unnoticed;
This is not how I wish to live.
Trapped by their confidence- my enemy,
I feel I have no good to give.

Joy and laughter is what I see: but me,
I am unhappy with my life.
Haunted by abuse, panic and anger,
My soul's one friend is blood and knife.

I read somewhere once that,
The most upsetting thing is
when you realize that you've spent every single day with someone,
seeing them every moment of the day
before you go to sleep and even when you wake up
just to have all that thrown away over someone who doesn't even matter.
It hurts when you loose someone you care about
but I think
it hurts even more when you loose that person you care about who,
was not only your everything but also your best friend.

I never meant to pierce with your heart with a spear of hurt.
I wanted to pierce your heart with a sword so that I may obtain your trust and love.
I want to spend each moment of the day with you until I fall asleep
And I want to be the one you lay your head next to.

Because when you wake up…
I want to be the first thing you think about.
I want the letters of my name run across your mind.
When you wake up…
I want you to be assured that each day meant something,
That each day and second mattered.
When you wake up…
I want to be right there and see each centimeter of your eye open.
I want to lie next to so close till I can count each specific eye lash upon each one of your eye lids.
When you wake up…
I want to know that I finished first place at the finish line of your dreams.
When you wake up…
I want to be intimate, not physically, but mentally until our lusts become desired love.
I want our mental copulation to be wrapped in undefined love.

When I look into your eyes I want to see that I am embedded in your mind and you in mine.
I want you to fall asleep the night before and know that I’m here to stay
And when you wake up…
You take a breathe open your eyes, and see me laying in your bed.

She was the girl constantly being thrown lemons
Expected to make lemonade over and over, she did
Growing used to the sour taste of what she had come to know as her reality
A child’s innocence
She danced through thunderstorms
Twirling through the rain like she twirled through her life
Graceful leaps of laughter sending her in circles, growing dizzy
Only to find that by the time her dizziness had faded nothing was ever the same
Tangy lemonade had returned
Gulping it down along with her insecurities, she kept dancing but the bitter sense of having to grow up so fast hit her like a bolt of lightning she had once danced upon
And finally the thunderstorms grew too strong for her
The downpour that once sent her soaring soaked into her shoes
Damp and despair into her bones
Where once she would have floated over the world she dragged her feet to safety
She’d now watch the droplets of rain hit the window pain
Struggle after struggle
Lemon after lemon
She was left with nothing but the compromise of happiness
The acidity left her melting
Draining the juice from her slowly until she was just a little dusting of zest thrown on top of what used to be her childhood
Her days of dancing but a bare memory
And the girl she used to know had since disappeared
Lost hopes she tucked herself away
Her only idea of dreams locked away in her dream book next to her bed
Frantic scribbles on each page
She wrote her feelings as her old friend Thunder cracked over head
Her faint remembrance of happiness
But a sound
A raindrop
A window away
She blocked her ears now
Willing the constant bang of her Thunder to stop
Couldn’t it tell it only caused her more pain?
Persisting past her pleads; it rang out louder and louder
Taunting her
Haunting her
It yelled at her
And for the first time since the lemons had been thrown her way
She yelled back
Breaking that window open
Broken glass like all her old broken hopes hit the ground
She jumped outside
Enveloped by dazzling drops of clarity and surprise
For her shoes were no longer wet and her bones no longer heavy
And the weight of the storm no longer pinned her soul down
Her lost peace now found
She danced
A dance for all the dances she had forgotten
A dance that left the ground trembling and the skies flickering in her wake
This girl who had been thrown lemons without rest
Had figured out the answer to the test
Finally understanding that she was never too weak to conquer the storm
She was as strong and as fierce as the winds around her
As gentle as a raindrop hitting an eyelash but as grand as a flood covering land as far as the eye could see
No longer would she compromise her happiness
Her dreams
Herself
For now she knew that happiness was for her taking and hers alone
That girl now knew that the next time life through her a lemon
She’d throw it back
And yell
“I am no longer bitter lemonade”
“I am a thunderstorm”

For my best friend who is beautiful, smart and the strongest girl I know, even if she forgets it sometimes.

I stay up hours on end,
Just thinking.
They ask, about what?
They all ask
How are you?
How was your day?
Expecting the truth.
Yet every day
My response
Is the same.

I'm good, I say.
I'm alright, I say.
Will it ever change?
The ongoing lie?
Will I ever fit the image,
That everyone has of me?
That charming girl with the smiling face?

Darling,
I'm a liar.
I guess I've gotten pretty good.
Will I ever act the way I feel?
I wonder if I ever should.

Always saying I love you, baby.
But they’ve only been together a day.
Captivated by the way the
Darkness of each other’s pupils grow
Every time they touch.
Forcing the kind of relationships, but more of the
Groping, that they saw in the movies.
Heated make out sessions in the church youth room, with
Intensity that could make strippers blush.
Juxtaposing every inch of their bodies.
Knowing what to do only because of what they
Learned in health class. Trying to
Master the art of *** and what they call love,
Not caring who knows. Living off each
Other’s breaths. Fabricating
Plans and stories for their parents when they’re caught
Quietly sneaking back into their
Rooms at four in the morning,
Shutting their doors and their eyelids,
Tracing remnant goose bumps.
Until the sun shines into their windows,
Violating their dreams of Cinderella and Prince Charming,
Washing the night from their skin, and shoving their
******* memories to the back and hiding them in a drawer.
Yearning to be touched again, by whom ever the next
Zephyr can blow into their neighborhood.