80 proof
Clear and distilled
Your label is terrible
With a mocking bird that I slowly peel
Made of mostly water and ethanol
A taste of bitterness and nothing at all
You take my breath away as one sip after another I swallow
I chase every drink
I'm trying to drown myself as I slowly sink
I'm starting off slow but soon you quicken my pace
I want to just forget and let my thoughts be erased
It's way to heavy this burden I carry
Way too much for only me to handle
So I let you burn and sting
Until hopefully I won't feel a thing
I'm craving numbness from everything in my mind
Take me to any other place in time
I want you to take a firm hold and float me over
Just let me spin as you pull me under
Make it all hazy so I don't feel so crazy
You and a cigarette right now my only friends
The only thing making me feel somewhat good again
So it's just you and me with some brisk ice tea and
cigarette smoke blowing in the cold night breeze
But are you really my friends or just a couple foes?
The only thing I got right now
And yet I still feel so alone
I just want to feel nothing at all
Torn right down the middle
Sitting dead center of this worn out saddle
Baring down so I don't hit the ground
It hurts now but I know it's going to hurt worse in the end
There's no soft place for me to land
And the physical pain doesn't scare me at all
It's the emotional part that is taking it's toll
I can't feel my mouth or find my voice
But inside I'm screaming out so loud
My eyes start to sting and my ears start to ring
I'm dizzy and the ambiance around me feels so fuzzy
My mind is dealing but my thoughts are reeling out of control
Why can't I just make a decision
Responsibility is killing my way of living
I don't want this
It hurts too much
And I'm slowly loosing touch
This is all too real and I don't know how I'm suppose to feel
I wish this life would cut me some slack or make me a deal
I'm sad and mad all at the same time
I can't make sense of the thoughts in my mind
I can't keep a grip on my emotions or self
And I'm running out of time to figure this out
Do I keep you or let you go?
Reality is really taking it's toll
And I don't know how much more strength I have left
I'm just ready to find myself some rest
So I'll drink you in and not spit you out
But it's hard to keep any faith when all I have are doubts?
How do I remain centered and tied down?
I can't do this any longer
So I'll let you take over and pull me under,
I'll let you drown me as I give up all my self control
And remain with all these questions but answers still unknown...
You know what...?
I just realized that...
You haven't helped me figure out anything at all!
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

I was raised
on the ways of
the Wolf.
I applied these ways
to the best of
my ability.
Only to be set
loose to live amongst
the sheep.
Where
my ways were
considered savage
and unreasonable.

I turned to
the Poppy
and the *****.
I was insearch
of a temporary
sanctuary from
the  past misdeeds
replaying
themselves
inside my head.

Only at a later
age did I come
to understand
these wounds
that still
bleed leave
trails full of
wasted years,
lost lovers and
forgotten
hopes
and dreams.

I counted the
Black and Whites
as they passed
me by.
I tried to
melt into the
crowd.
The vigilance
and anger in
my heart refused
to walk amongst
the live stock.
For I was raised
as one with
brother Wolf.
I needed to
run on the outside
of their
invisible bindings.

I died everyday
for 3 years .
I pulled
from the *****
then turned to
the poem and
discovered
a new way
to torture
my  mind while
healing the heart.

I dropped
the mask I
had wore
for so many
of these
theatrical
years.

I set about
revealing hearts
blood and fractured
bone.
I ripped the
inside of
me out and
presented it
as treasure.
Only to find
the masses
are indeed
too much
like sheep.
Never
understanding the
manners of
the wolf....

I shot myself in the foot
Almost a year ago now
but I've only just realized it's still bleeding
I felt it twinge in the fall
felt the welt as it began to fester

but **** I'd thought it'd heal

The trickle is starting to stain
and I'm not quite sure it can be stopped
I'm not quite sure that I don't just have to live with it
I've got a solder and some gauze
but is it too much to ask
that I just get the bullet out?

dizzy, dizzy
walked in the cold and now
so dizzy, dizzy
what's it like to walk and sway
on your way to the shell in
the night and maybe trip a little but
not have to
worry, so dizzy

pleasant chatter at the locked up
door, **** two nice old guys
whats it like not to have to
doubt, keep two paces back
spilling words, smiling, sharing
doubting what's it like not to
feel so dizzy

voodoo child, diet coke stomach
wind bit cheeks and a pack of
**** I don't need just for a
breathe of air in the night to not feel
so jealous and hopeless
and instead there's cold
and cold
and fear
and judgement
and cold
and dizzy