I didn't notice that I'd touched the ground
until I began to take my steps
in time with all these feet that I thought
I would never quite catch, yet
here we are in pace
and I can feel the earth under my soles almost always
for the first time
in awhile

and though the nights still make me anxious
as midnight chimes I fear I've lifted off again
each night
like clockwork
makes me anxious
so far the daylights waken me once more
grounded me
and ever forward I can move

finally

I know what you would say to me:
"At least I was thinking of you."
But all I can see through your texts
Are images of my past life.
Sitting alone in the humid
Air of Florida trying to drown
My tears in pool water as
His slurred words "I'm way too busy"
Mixed with a girl's giggling voice
Flooded my mind repeatedly.
Feeling nothing but numbed surprise
As my father's hand rushed towards me,
Bottles of wine on the table.
Seated at a restaurant as
My grandfather cried saying how
Much I look like my grandmother;
Same determination, same hope,
While refilling his martini.
I hear his dense voice on the phone.
He'll do it, he'll jump, but not if
I tell him that I adore him
And I'll stay with him forever,
Ended with the smashing of glass.
So please forgive me when I say
I'm not a fan of your drunk texts.

A tight squeeze,
reassuring me that he is still there,
and everything will be okey.
Looking at the hands,
interlocked.
Hands that will wither,
and grow old,
together.

A slap on the back,
slightly harder than intended,
letting me know it was all in good fun.
Reassuring me that this friendship is real,
and valued.

A little hand in mine,
holding tightly,
as we weave through people.
I am telling him that he is safe,
with me.

Rough hands help me off the ground,
like they have numerous times before,
they are always there for me,
catching me whenever I fall.

Hand tell stories words can not,
they convey emotions that are ineffable.
Where words fail,
hands sing.

I can't sleep, I can't rest my eyes.
Need to work harder this term,
Or I'll never get a job.
Need to get a job so I
Can work to get one later.
What will your face look like when
You see me? Will mine mirror
Yours? Do you still want to be
With me? Or are you sick of
My insecurities? I
Can't go back to the empty
Chatter and the meaningless
"I love you"s, sitting around
Waiting for absolutely
Nothing to happen.
Stabbed by passive aggressive
Thoughts unleashed like a weapon.
But this might not matter 'cause
The plane could crash or explode
And I won't have to worry
About a thing...except for
Medical bills, catching up
On schoolwork, notifying
Those who matter, offending
Those who don't. Maybe if I'm
Lucky I'll slip into a
Coma and rest for a while...
But that's no good because I'll
Just worry everyone else.
But really, I am just fine.
Just what are you doing? Don't
Look at me closely. I told
You that I'm fine, I'm okay.
Please have a nice day and don't
Worry about me. I'm fine.

I have felt like an outsider
Ever since my childhood ended
When I was left with a gaping
Hole carved by the one who loved me.
And I know he adores me still
But he is too far away now
That I cannot reciprocate
His feelings. Though I do admit,
I allow myself to succumb
To nostalgia once in a while.

My true friend gone, I bounced around
Different groups of people trying
To find my place in a sea of
Jealousy and competition.
I'm so thankful I got to know
The ones I did because they were
Beautiful and fascinating
In their own distinctive manner.
For a while I thought I found one
But I soon began to realize
That I had been brainwashed into
Thinking that I loved these people,
When really I didn't know them
And they didn't care to know me.

My world shattered and so did I;
Frantically trying to pick up
The pieces so I could be whole.
But my memories and thoughts of
The past eighteen years were too much
For me to pick up on my own.
One day while blindly moving in
The dark, I ran into one of
You who found a part of me on
The ground. You seemed to recognize
A shattered soul so you grabbed some
Glue and you called your friends asking
For help reassembling me.

Together, you made the cracks not
As obvious to those who looked;
But every time I peered in the
Mirror, there they were distorting
The image of myself and those
Around me.  But before you could
Repair that, we all went away
To separate places and I had
To try and fix the cracks myself.
But I only had so many
Hands so I built an elaborate
Device to keep me intact as
I mended each imperfection.

And that's how he found me, trying
To fix something he was convinced
Wasn't broken in the slightest.  
He unhooked me from the device
Then set me down and forced me to
Look at myself in the mirror.
For the first time in a long time
I saw my face and all of yours
Smiling in the reflection as
If to say "Now do you see us?"

All that's left is to remember
I must check the mirror every
So often so I can see your
Faces full of love and support
And see that I am not alone

I love you,
I love you,
I love you.

You never gave me reason to doubt these words,
but what reason have to given me to believe them?

When I wait around all day to hear from you,
clear the day for our date,
though a time is never set,
if it ever comes.

When I do not feel like a priority,
or even a thought.

When you have plenty of time for your friends,
but never for me.

When you are only around me,
when it is convenient for you.

What meaning do your words hold?

I love you,
I love you,
I love you.

It echoes in my head,
three little words that keep me coming back.

I do not understand why you do this,
or if you even know what you are doing.

I love you.

I feel my heart skip a beat every time I see you,
my love for you pores out of me,
it fills me up.

I love you.

When you do not answer,
when you keep me waiting,
guessing,
I feel as if your love for me has dried up.

I love you.

And if you ever read this,
I worry more about it hurting you,
then about it helping me.

I love you.

Even when you do not answer me for hours,
I smile when I finally see you have.

I love you.

I say it over and over hoping it will sting lessen every time,
but I can not deny that I do not always feel your love.

I have seen a new side of you and I do not think I like it,
we should have never brought this here,
we should have stayed just friends,
but even still the pain you bring to my heart,
pails in comparison,
to the joy you bring,
when you mend it.

I love you

You were the last
Piece of my past
That had to go
So I could sow
Seeds of healing
And warm feeling.

Now that you're gone
It's like a bomb
Exploded in
My chest, my skin.
I can't seem to
Breathe without you.

The seconds pass
The pain's not as
Sharp anymore.
Up off the floor,
Completely gone,
I carry on.

Tick, tick, tick.

The sounds of his fingers dancing on his keyboard,
lulling to me to sleep.

Click, click, click.

The sounds of him fighting the boss battle,
leads me to my dreams.

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

The sounds of her drawing,
guards me as I rest.

The glow of the television eliminating our faces.

Surrounded by friends,
I see no better way,
to end my day.