szWhisper

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Vomit my feelings outDo you also wake up in the middle of the night and almost reach for me / because you forgot that I'm not there anymore? / I slept next to someone else last night,
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Your next girlI hope your next girl takes care of you. / I hope she always tells you / how much she misses you.
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HealingMoving on is realizing / that loving someone new / does not mean that
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Hardest part of letting goThe hardest part of all of this is that you were not just the first person I was in love with, but the first thing I've ever loved at all. I think everyone needs to love something to be happy in life, and some people love their jobs, or school, or their home, or even themselves, but for me it was only you, and I don't know what to do now. I keep having dreams of people asking for my commitment and in those dreams the first thing I think about is when and how I will leave them. I keep having flashbacks to that evening we had dinner at the European brewery. You were joking about how if we ever broke up I would spend the rest of my life trying to replace you but I would never succeed. What if you were right? What if you were it? What if I am never able to love anyone else again?
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RemembranceI swear to God, / I can still remember / the constellations on your back.
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Tell HimYou can tell him the truth. Tell him that I'm tired of walking around at 3am in the winter because I want to feel something that's as cold as my heart and I want to see roads that are as empty as I feel. Tell him that it is hard for me to find the motivation to get up every morning and put a smile on my face when half the time I'm trying to find the motivation to keep living. Tell him about the times I woke up in someone's bed, whose name I will never remember, because I just needed a distraction for the night. Tell him about all the ways I have tried to fill the void that is my heart but failed to do so. Tell him that no matter how many good days, or weeks, or even incredible days I have, I will never be able to escape this sadness because it lives inside of me and it is just waiting for the right moment to attack. Tell him that I'm having a very hard time grasping why the concept of mental stability is so foreign to me. Tell him that the only way I know to deal with my feelings is to run away from them. Tell him I am tired of everything. Tell him I love him. Tell him I am grateful for all that he's done for me. Tell him I want him to be done with me.
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New PlaceThe caption of your most recent picture says "new place", / which is true since your new apartment is in the background. / But I keep wondering if you mean you're in a new place in a bigger sense,
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The only time I will acknowledge thisApparently writing down all the things I hate about you is supposed to help me get over you, but I'm not so sure it'll work because everything I hated about you was also everything I loved about you. And I hated how you even made me think of the word love even if it wasn't literally toward you. That doesn't really make sense but then again, neither did you, and neither do I, or anything really. / I loved how different we were because it meant things never got boring but I also hated how we never had anything in common and couldn't agree on anything half the time. Sometimes I wished you were someone else but then I would take that wish back because who knows how things would have been if you weren't you? I once told you about an asshole that made me upset and you said you would beat him up for me. It was really cute because we both knew you wouldn't even win in a fight against me. I loved how carefree you were. I never once saw you mad. It was probably my favorite thing about you, I wish I could've been more like you in that sense. But at the same time I hated how you didn't seem to care about anything at all, because did you even care about me? / You must have cared because you always picked up the phone when I called you, even at 2 in the morning, whether you were asleep or had an exam the next day. You were always the person I called at odd hours because you never questioned it. You never asked me why I called. You never asked me why I wasn't asleep yet. You didn't think it was weird when as soon as you picked up, before you could even say hi, I would ask you to tell me a story or tell me every single detail of your day. You would just start and you would keep going until I finally laughed. You knew I needed you as a distraction and you didn't even mind being used that way.
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one regretIf there is / Just one thing I could do differently / I would go back to that night
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Close enoughI just wanted you to know / I never had any desire / to take care of another living thing
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