I'm crazy today.
I'm crazy in a way that nobody compares to him
and I'm wasting my time on these men
because even though he was bad
he was still good
in ways that I loved;
not with how he treated me,
just in who he was.
and it's dumb because these new men are good
but not good enough
to help me forget.

Nature did not intend
for me to be a mother

and now on days
like today

there's an emptiness
inside my soul
that only
little hands
could replace

I dont want my temporary happiness hanging from you, tugging at your lips
Felt beneath my hips, as I lie still under your kiss

Cause my happiness is like a vine
That no good ****, clinging on to bricks, splint with twine
Pretty in it's own way but poison when you touch

Pieces of it living in the crevices and cracks
Determined to come back, always to come back, to try just one more time.

I'm afraid my happiness will entangle you,
And dare I fall, will strangle you
Leaving you helpless as I drop

See, this feeling it is temporary,
Sadness blooms inside of me
No matter how many chemicals or pills I pop
Like an axe to the vine, gone with one chop, one feathered tick of the clock

Never meant to grow again, but nonetheless,
will never stop.

You could fly right over me
and wouldn’t blink an eye.

You could fly right over me -
but for you, I’d jump and die.

You passed me in a '68 Chevy
Didn't blink twice, didn't even wave
You left my head and heart feeling heavy
*******, I'm a Ford girl anyway.

The way to a man's heart
is through his stomach,
so I've heard.

Maybe that's how you've become
so good at cooking -
for all the times
you've tried to make him love you.

6:20
I can't forget the look of your eyes meeting mine when you walked through the door.

Like I was everything you thought you wanted at a time before.

6:20
I didn't stand from my chair to hug you because my knees were too soft and I feared I might fall to your feet.

6:33
You stood behind me at the jukebox and I could feel the heat of your body on the back of my neck, traveling down my spine.

It was that old familiar warmth I remember laying next to at night.

7:10
I sang along to a song you told me you played.
Not realizing till a month later the hidden meaning behind the words.

"I'll remember you" it rang,
as I sang,
and sang,
and sang.

7:28
Your  eyes didn't search for me like they did before when I would leave your side.

I tried to hide in the dark and watch you in the light but you never noticed I was gone.

7:37
Your hands lay on the steering wheel of my car, with ***** in your blood speeding away with my heart. Entrusting my life to a boy who didn't care if I lived or died.  

He'd already killed me many times.

8:16
You placed your arm around your buddy's girl and joked how you were trying to make him mad.
But instead I sat there comparing my body to the thin girl in the hat.

8:58
You decided it was time to leave so we walked back to my car.

I wish it were cold so I could say it pierced my heart but that was your breath on my lips at the stop sign.

9:30
We drove old dirt roads until we found a spot bare enough to take our clothes off and I remember the placement of my hands on the seat as you sank your teeth deep into me.

Chewed me up.
Spit me out.

You didn't like my taste in your mouth.

10:15
You were tired so you drove back to where we left your car in the parking lot.

You said I acted weird on the drive home.

But you knew.

It was known.
It was known.
It was known.

10:36
I laid in my bed, fully clothed with the fabric remembering your hug that held tightly and lingered just long enough; with words of "I love you" as you kissed my forehead.

Like you never left.


I wish I would have left.

“How far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?

How often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?

Why do you find the unavailable so alluring?

Where did it begin?
What went wrong?
And who made you feel so worthless?


If they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?

All this time, you were begging for love silently,
thinking they couldn’t hear you,
but they smelt it on you,
you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?


And what about the others that would do anything for you,
why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?

How are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?

Where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?

Where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”

--Warsan Shire

1.  I will never be the reason for you crying.

2.   You couldn't push me away if you wanted to. I'm always here.

3.  You make me the happiest man in the world. You have completely stolen my heart and glued it back together. You are more than I deserve. I love you with all that I have.

4.  Will you be mine forever?

5.  You going to be my wife one day?

6.  I can see nothing in this world to make me change my mind.

7.  I need your love. I need your smile. I need your touch, your laugh, your eyes. I'm the happiest man in the world to call you mine.

8.  No one can love anything as much as I love you.

9.  Don't give up on me.

10.  I need you.

11.  I love you

12.  I love you

13.  I'm confused. I don't know what to do.

14.  I need time.

15.  My head isn't right. I need to work on myself first.

16.  Why are you throwing my stuff away? I'm coming back.

17.  I can't ask you to wait for me. I don't want you to move on.

18.  I don't think I'll ever give up on you.

19.  I miss you

20.  No, I'm not seeing anyone else.

21.  No, I didn't sleep with her.

22.  No, I don't love her anymore.

23.  *I love you

These roaring pains felt in my stomach ******* me to my knees
But I stand up, go back to work, cause I'm the cleaning lady

Drowning tears of failure and never to your needs
To uncles who understand and claim they will make a stand,
"Under your weight a lovely girl lives and I'm going to tell him 'bout it!"
Oh, uncle Bill, can't you see? 
I've learned whiskey words make a fool out of me

I shoot the purple on the green
From racking, not knowing, just focusing 
A phone call to tell me the snow is 3 deep
Spitting curse words around me like the white flakes I see
But you're just furious because I spend my money

Daddy, you don't love me like you do them
Confirmations from strangers and old family friends
Your standards too high, I never stood a chance
*And here comes that pain again

I still compare myself
to the ones that meant nothing:

"I left her for the bar on Christmas Eve",
"I was an ******* until she made me leave",
"She wouldn't have *** so I cheated out of greed";

And I still can't tell if you were bragging
or wore regret on your sleeve.

My body is a map:

My hair spread across like the oceans, curling in waves before they touch the shore
My face North America
My ******* Appalachian
That you don't explore anymore

I want you to touch Georgia
Caress Alabama
Kissing your way through Tennessee
I want your tongue wrung in Florida
Unleashing a hurricane
Like the first time I felt when you touched me.

I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget I never forget
                              I
                        NE­VER
                       FORGET.

my heart aches for things that have not happened,
will not happen,
and will never happen again.

I always try.
I always care.
I'm always there and not there at the appropriate times.
I'm always giving my entirety even when there's barely any of me left to give.

I'm always picking up the pieces.
I'm always forgiving.
I'm always hopeful.
I'm always the "baby, let's not fight".
I'm always the one who rubs your shoulders and makes love to you at night.

I'm your wake you up on the right side of the bed.
I'm your eggs with bacon how you like.
I'm your turkey sandwich cut in half with a knife.
I'm your looking up recipes to find the perfect one to surprise you with dinner.
I'm your laundry.
I'm your folded clothes.
I'm your hot towels out of the dryer in the cold.
I'm your air conditioning and pillow fluffed during the summertime.

I'm the out of the shower putting make-up so you will think I'm pretty.
I'm the shopping for outfits with you in mind.
I'm the hold all of my tears inside when you don't even notice.
I'm the laugh it off until next time by saying something witty.

I'm the one who suffers silently so we will be okay.
I'm the one who stays at home for you and waits.
I'm the one who listens when you tell me I can't go.
I'm the one who sits and misses you when you're having drinks without me.
I'm the one on the porch with the fishing pole when you forget about me.

I'm the one who slams the door because you didn't ask me what was wrong.
I'm the play it over and over in hopes you hear the lyrics in the song.
I'm the one who goes crazy when you start to not care.
I'm the blow it off to keep you around even when it isn't fair.

I'm the praying to God asking what it is that I've done wrong.
I'm the one crying in secret so I don't show you that you hurt me.
I'm the holding on for dear life so that you don't desert me.
I'm the panic attacks and cigarettes and 10 beers at the bar.
I'm the calling off work cause my head is too ****** from wondering where you are.

I'm the flipping out on you when I've been pushed to my limit.
I'm the packing up your **** again cause I just can't live with it.
I'm the one laying in bed, after you've left, screaming out your name.
I'm the one who can't sleep cause the pain is too deep and my dreams all look the same.
I'm the "please just text me" every minute carrying my phone.
I'm the ******* cause you're not him but I don't want to be alone.

I'm the 2 months later holding on trying to be your friend.
I'm the I'll use you for now to ease my mind but never call you again.
I'm the shaking when I see your name appearing on my cell.
I'm the stages of grief and wanting acceptance so that I can wish you well.

I'm the wanting to be over it but it just don't seem to be.
I'm that thing stuck to your leg until you finally shake rid of me.

I'm all of these things that I take with me when I try to love again.
I'm that "good woman you don't lose" 'cause there are always "other men".
I'm the one you think is messed up when really I'm just scarred.
I'm the one who does it anyway even when love shouldn't be so hard.

Goodnight, my love
Goodnight, baby
I hope your dreams remember me

*even though you don't

When I said that you seemed free,
I lied ---

Because no one is free
when they're trapped
in their mind.

of all the times the wind blew
i never heard the bells chime
or paid attention that maybe
i was never paying attention

and the birds chirp louder
than they have before
at sundown
or maybe not
i don't know

but i heard them after the rain
and i can still hear them now
their echo
singing out your name

If reality is better than our dreams;
then why is it so easy for you to fall asleep
and for me to stay awake?

What if he doesn't make me laugh like you did
What if he doesn't captivate a room
What if he doesn't golf with my dad on Sundays

My god, what did you do
What did you do

“But do you know what happens to girls who love lost boys? They become lost themselves. Without fail.” --- I found this quote in my notes and I am so in love with it more than ever not only because it's true but because it's the greatest thing that can ever happen to you.

If you love a lost boy, you will lose yourself.
You will walk as if your entire body is in flames.
Burning light every hour of every day to help him find his way.
And then as with all fires, you'll slowly start to die.
You'll flicker and flinch and wish the wind would blow hard enough to put you out of your misery; but it never does.

Instead, one day, you'll lick your salty fingers and **** the flame.
Ashes of you will fall to the ground and as you try to swoop them up, more will crumble.
And pretty soon you'll be nothing more than a pile of burnt up soot staining the floor.

But...  you will get back up.
You will find the bits of yourself you thought washed away slowly come back.
As if the sea carried them home to the shore.
As if life swept them up and kept them under a rug to return to you.
You will find your pieces and you will stand.
And when you do, you will burn.
You will burn brighter and stronger and more beautiful than ever before.
You will blind those who live in the dark abyss that turned your softness into embers from which you once came.
And when you take your first step back into the world, your footprints will singe every tired board of wood that tried to melt you down.
That tried to outline your frame as another victim.
That tried to win.

And when you do, not the wind;
or rain;
or thirsty pieces of wood whispered as "lost boys", will ever dim your light again.