Every morning I greet the sun smelling like jasmine and spice
the rays roll through my window
bend nicely and tip their hats like good gentlemen
Only to figure out that I am a man

Surprised and Bent waves stiffen up in their stride
as they switch between reaching down to kiss my hand
something they subconsciously planned to do
ever since that smell of sensual perfume heated up
even the hottest, and the coolest
made them too woozy to stand
to giving an improvised hand shake
A clumsy dance between the fingertips of the prejudged
And the disappointed
As if the swirls in their palms anointed my unexpected presence
Uncomfortably appealing

Their mothers told them not to place judgment on a first impression
that they made, drowned in a sensual stupor
Of pretty scents distributed into the atmosphere
but then my personality
my mannerisms
And the way I walk and talk
WAFTED into their nostrils
like some woman dolled up before a date
with no one
to sit alone and wait
for some wreck of a man to pay a visit
It’s a chauvinistic *******
This scent is
Until they see that this jaw line
Is what it clings to
their nostrils and their eyes
seem to not agree
on what is
me

I tell you I wake up smelling like jasmine and spices
like a woman who spent all night in sin
taking pleasure from her vices
With sweet smelling oils contained in florally adorned vials,
and i waft into every man and woman’s nostrils

and eyes say man
but noses always seem to quarrel with eyes
Because to nostrils sensory surprise
It smells woman so it seems
the only logical compromise must be something in between
these sensory organs so caught up in stereotypes
Eyes bicker with ears and noses
And fingertips
Quick judgments followed by
Categories
trying to
make the puzzle piece
make sense Or
make do with what
makes people feel at ease
To make the absolutely effeminate straight male
Fit
With all the other puzzle pieces

It seems I’m a scratch and sniff
Where you scratch the picture of cinnamon
And smell jasmine
So was I packaged wrong?
No I was manufactured just right
The smell was an add-on
That was added one night
where i spent an entire evening in love
with someone I lost the next day
and in our own way
I slaved her body with oils
That smelt of jasmine and spice
And I wasn’t ashamed of it
they caressed us
and gave every motion an unstoppable velocity
every situation was slippery
and things that shouldn’t have been
almost came to be

as we slept the oils clocked out
and slid down our still interlocked bodies and into the bedspread
where it opened up its homestead
buried its dead, started families and grew in number
until the population of the smell was too strong
too strong and the one I shared the smell with
was gone

but i hold that night fondly
i hold it above my head in all its glory
and when i am judged by my scent and
questioned of my sexuality
i just tell them
I am being the scent i smelled when i discovered my masculinity
and that smell sank into my bed sheets
As an non-removable reminder
Of days past embracing my own tendencies
And a girl who I waved farewell to
And never gave that part of myself to
i am 100% man until i find the right person
a beautiful sight in the sunlight
and when night falls and i can’t see them at all
i can find even more things i like
to take that from me
and i will give it up gladly
and find what it really means to be truly in-between

I’ve found
no one is in-between because of their scent
There is no in-between except
In between man and woman
Man and man
Woman and woman
a subtle in between that you can only find
When you gaze into another’s eyes
And read three letter words imprinted on their iris
Only written for you
And discover what can really exist between two
So let’s all realize that whoever we are
We all strive to be in-between

I have never felt
more confused
than I do now.

being prejudged,
pressure from teachers,
expectations from parents,
insecurities from media influence
or by comparing ourselves to others.
stumbling through
day by day,
low self-esteem,
rumours,
peer pressure,
mood swings,
spots,
hormones,
not feeling good enough,
constant tiredness
and emotions that
we don't even understand
are things that we,
as teenagers,
have to face every day.

Fighting to hold it together
whilst still trying to figure out
who we are.

Self-harm? "attention seeker"
Mental illness? "get a grip"
Suicidal? "cheer up"

They can be so ignorant.

I don't think
that some people realise
how difficult it is
to grow up
in a society
like this.

On the heap,
Thou dangle and screech
And bedeck, for I seemingly espouse.
The anecdotes and myths:
Engaged in a mutual pose.
There comes the hymn,
And the sway and the hum;
The abnormality and the deform
Halted on a single stance.
To dozen of the tokens
Whom I prejudged;
The prevalence of the chaos
That sleeps merely on my tongue.
To all the estrangements
From which I refrain,
Within the bawl of the tantrum, upon the hook of the day.
Farewell to all, farewell the haze
Farewell the cluster,
To the resolution found within a fane;
Where rituals confuse,
Where the practice becomes a fame.
There thou taketh solely,
A hymn and an interminable haze.
Whats the sense of the ovation
When no screen displays
A mourning motion
For which no motion craves?
I sigh, and mumble
To which mere consciences giveth
To me only, mine solely.
His to hear and his, keenly.

Since you prejudged me
as a Crypto-Jew
all you've done is moan
the woe is me, **** the system
"I have been through more than you"
tough chica, broken bone
I possess more wisdom
than you do
Angry, lash out
impotent hate-filled
been done before spew.
I sent a dove to stick a branch
in your bear trap
and you laughed at me
and mocked me
like the angry, hypocritical
infant you are.

I don’t understand:
why we are prejudged
why we get nudged out of the way like we’re not important
why we don’t budge because we’re scared...

I don’t understand:
why prejudice has taken over
why the lord sometimes comes second
why we get stampeded by bad people taking over...

I don’t understand:
why were here
why our lives have taken us this way
or how magicians disappear...

But what I do understand is:
God comes first
Family comes second
And lives go unrehearsed.

Alone we two at this time it's true
With loving upon our mind~
The fire burned as our hearts yearned
For the bonding of two hearts to find~
High within a country loft warm and soft
A world away from what we both know~
Two souls have we been with a destiny
To have both our hearts so inlove glow~
There were largest candles lighting the shadows
And there was music to play so soft~
The wind outside it sang it's natural tune
But so warm were we within the country loft~
From different worlds we two had come
But much the same within were we~
As we two had found our desires common ground
Within our high loft destiny~
How our hearts radiated prejudged joy
As our eyes had found that special glow~
And we became each others dream come true
For that first time that we came to know~
With the flickering fire light and candles bright
We drifted away into our own time~
A moment ever so dear as our love drew near
That special time that was yours and mine~
Time there and then for us stood still
As the wind blew and we heard night birds call~
And through the night with love and flickering light
Somewhere I'm sure a star did fall~
Sensuality as never for us known before
We reached places our souls had never known~
Not in any way aware of the world outside
Already we two learning how our love had grown~
At times not even aware that we were up there
Within this warmest loft so very high~
And we became one as the sky and the sun
And as within it the birds that fly~
We two taking our fondest longest time
Upon this one first night of our nights~
No way could we put into words at all
Our very hearts emotional flight of all flights~
Now as we two dream of life's past water in streams
We wish we could go back to where it begin~
Such sublime first time ecstasy for us both
Feeling to not dream of same almost a sin~
Returning after that night to your own world
I too sadly then made my retreat~
Both walking so ever high as dawn drew nigh
I can still hear your dancing feet~
There within a warm loft with music soft
You and I had been to places ever so new~
And we both learnt as fire and candles burnt
And outside how the wind it blew~

Terrence Michael Sutton
copyright 2007

Closer to seeing this event happen going down out of town. Away from home to experience the journey new encounters seeing into that world that culture onto something new hard to read signs to clues. Still feeling like an outcast not belong anywhere. So much haze proving himself. He worked hard gave his own didn't complain glad to be part of something. Even if they prejudged him made him out to be someone he's not. He didn't care for politics all he wanted was to finish and do his job right without burden or frustration. He stopped drinking relapse was the worse idea. Drinking with people who assume and expect the worse for problems they made. He took the blame while they were quick to blame someone else.
He reminded them they were blessed they had someone who loved them and kids that make them out to be the world telling not to ruin or mess that up for themselves. He didn't have much but made the the most of things and thankful for all the blessings. He was grateful and tired of holding back minding his mouth because his honesty usually got him in trouble.

He told the truth why was it talking smack. Keeping to himself doing ehat was right. The internal struggle being prejudged no one knew him. All these assumptions feeling attacked made out to be the bad guy. That person that wants to argue and fight. He wrote while they come at him. Expecting him to over react make a fuss.
Being disrespected called ignorant because he didn't feed into it. Be someone else he wanted out they made him feel bad. Throw up the stomach acid eating him up. He didn't do anything wrong took the criticism but was over it. He had the words thank you peace out in mind and kept a distance.
Over all these false narrative was not able to speak or have a voice. That's why he wrote he got his feelings hurt and felt gutted like a fish.