How am I supposed to make a decision
When my heart is severed in half
Slowly
But surely
Bleeding out

How am I supposed to jump
When all I can see at the bottom are
Sharp rocks

Do you remember that year
I couldn't sleep?
I ran into your bedroom
Almost every night
Crying
Making up some excuse

Some nights you would
Send me back to bed
Disgusted
I was too old to be bothering you
But other nights
You would pull me right in the middle
And both of you would wrap your arms around my trembling frame
And finally
I would fall asleep
Next to you
I was safe
The images couldn't touch me
The probe that normally tormented me
Couldn't penetrate my mind
I was secure in your embrace

And then they disappeared
For good
These images
They left
And I slept
Peacefully

But now
They have returned

You said you wanted
Details
So I gave you
All I could

It wasn't much
But it was enough
I thought I could handle it
But I couldn't
I can't

Now I am back to being afraid,
Afraid of closing my eyes
For who knows
What will meet me in this dark?

When I said I couldn't say anymore
I meant it

But when I said
I wanted to protect you

I wasn't telling the whole truth

For with each memory
Bypassed
I was also protecting
Me

My fingers roll around the handle
Holding tight, I twist
Slowly, I make my way around the can
All of the sudden
Her hands
Cover mine
Stroking, squeezing
Not guiding
No
Not guiding
But
Her, warming up
Me, cooling down
Yes, freezing me
With the knowledge of what is
To come
With her other hand
She makes a fist
And punches straight through my sternum
Blood sprays and
Shattered fragments of my ribs
Litter the floor
Reaching in
Her poisoned fingers
****** my heart
Leaving behind
Black prints
Red streaks
Evidence
But only I can see it
Within seconds
My spine is tingling
Every muscle in my body
On edge
This gaping hole
These fingers
Draped around,
Constricting the one thing
I thought she couldn't touch
Yes,
It's too much
I am ice cold
I am about to close my eyes
Forever
But before I can succumb
The air in punctuated by a palpable
Pop!
I lift the lid of the can
Set it off to the side
And pour the thick liquid into the ***
The stench is overpowering
It crawls it's way all over the room
Cramming into the very crevices of the wall
Behind me
Above me
Beneath me
I can not escape this smell
I am smothered in a blanket of this decaying odor
I am boiling up
Hot and steamy
With every inhale
My nose is filled with the tendrils of this pungent aroma
Soon I can feel it
Gnawing through my flesh with no set course
I can do
Nothing
I am at the mercy of this smell
It will do with me
Whatever it desires

Please, finish!

Her voice breaks through the fog
Scratchy and distant
But there

You need to finish!

Again, it comes
This horrendous voice
But I don't want to
I know what will happen when
I finish
I know
And I don't want that
I will never want that
I am sick to my stomach
Really, I am
You make me sick
You and that godawful smell

I can't even pick up my spoon

All I can think is
Tomato soup is served
Way too often here

Turning
Dark brown
I let go
The sweetest release
Slowly I fall
Twisting my way
Upon the wings of the wind
I soar
Gently
I rest against the ground
Which grows
Colder
Harder
With every second
I lay
Silent
Curled up
Crunchy
Dead
A foot comes
Large and wide and horrifying
It steps
With power and purpose
Directly on top of me
Squishing me
Breaking me into
Tiny fragments
Puzzle pieces
That could possibly connect to form
What I once was
Lucky for me
My stringy veins
Hold me together
I lay sprawled
Flattened
Exhausted
Like a connect a dots completed by a toddler
I don't resemble myself
But I can see my parts
An unlikely display of
Strength
I had long thought disappeared
The wind pushes me around
I tumble
Forward
Back
The air cools
Rain soaks my surface
Snow pummels my body
Soon, I am trapped beneath its flakes
All I see is
White
A blank wall of
Nothing
I can feel my body
Disinigrate
But all of the sudden
A warm sensation comes over me
It is so strange
I see slivers of green from beneath my white blanket
Eventually I see blue
Puffy white clouds
Brilliant flowers
I am soggy
But somehow
Still
One

The whole time
The evergreen stands near

I am freezing
The window is open and
I can't handle
This breeze
I am
Shivering
I am
Shaking
So violently
But there is no shutting it now
This window is open for
Good
I just have a hard time
Seeing, feeling, recognizing this
Good
It's so
Cold
Please
Make it stop
I am reaching
The blanket is in sight
It's warm
I know
But I can't get it
My arms aren't long enough
My hands aren't strong enough
I think I may have a piece of the corner
But it's slipping from my fingertips
I can feel it
Slipping
The tighter I hold
The harder this wind blows
The faster it slips

I am freezing

My worst?
My low?
My bottom?
Go back a few years,
You will find a fourteen-year-old girl
She looks like she has everything.
Incredibly gifted by God
Athletic, musical, lots of friends
An awesome family, a loving family
She gets A’s
She makes the Varsity team
She goes to church every Sunday
She seems happy
She smiles
She laughs

But these are empty smiles
This laughter is empty laughter

She is an actress
A good actress
She plays her role
With grace
With perfection

But when she climbs into bed at night
She slips under her sheets
And everything but satisfaction meets her where she lies
Her mind is bombarded
Her thoughts are stuck on repeat
Playing the same suicide song over and over
Again.
And again.
And again.
The thoughts come.
Unwanted,
They come.
Hard and fast,
They come.

She fights it.
She fights hard.

But they eat at her.
They gnaw at her insides,
And they won’t give up.

So she goes to find her release

She silently makes her way to the bathroom
And slowly, carefully
She begins

The blade hits her pale skin
And the pain,
Oh, the sweet, sweet pain
It erupts.
It explodes.
It envelops her in a blanket of protection
For the moment,
She is safe.
She is free from the thoughts
This pain has freed her

And satisfaction is what she feels
A satisfaction she feels from nothing else
This satisfaction,
It feels so **** good
So **** right
She desperately desires more
So she digs
Deeper
Harder
One more

Slice

And the pain,
It pours from her thin, shaking body
But the satisfaction,
It is just as great
And this is what she longs for,
This satisfaction
This sick,
This twisted,
Satisfaction

She is done now
Methodically she cleans up the blood
The remains of a self-massacre
The remains of her bath in blades

Suddenly,
There is a boy.
Standing in the doorway,
There is a boy
Her brother
His eyes catch hers
He knows
He speaks no words
Neither does she
But he comes
He sits behind her,
Around her
And his arms,
They wrap around her
They hold her
And then she cries
Not just tears,
But sobs,
Sobs that rob her of her sight,
Sobs that take control of her body,
But he is there.
Holding her,
Loving her,
Telling her that she is worth it,

Saving her life.

I'm afraid too
I afraid that the only thing
Holding me together
Are all the broken pieces

I have spent so much time
Taping the smashed splinters
Into place
I have spent so many hours
Balancing all of the dust particles
On top of each other
Wedging them so carefully
So that each one supports another

I'm afraid that if I pull one out
And show you
They will all come
Tumbling down

You can't hold her
When you grip tight
She will
Slip
Like sand
Falling through the tiny cracks
In between each finger
You can try
But every time
Your hand will end up
Empty
White knuckles
Snatching up
The air
Nothing else
For she
Alone
Holds herself together
Pieces of string
Globs of glue
Strips of duct tape
Hastily slapped on
Her two hands
Alone
Pull and
Cover and
Push away

There is no room
For
You

I'm trash
But I'm no longer floating aimlessly upon the breeze
People have come along
Picked me up
And placed me
Right
Where I belong

Never
Have I ever asked you to be there
But you're always there

All day long
Kids come up to me
Holding up
A ****** elbow
A scraped knee
A paper cut finger
A rug-burned hip
Usually crying
They beg for a band-aid
They want help
Desperately, they sob until
The band-aid is firmly in place
And I've given them a hug
Then they are okay
A smile often returns to their chubby cheeks
I send them off to play again

What I'm wondering is
At what point did I
Stop
When did I stop asking
When was I no longer more than willing to
Cry out for help,
Help that I knew was there and willing

At some point
I decided I would be fine
Walking around
All ******
I convinced myself
Somewhere along the ride
I could make it
Without the band-aid

She sits at the window sill
Staring out at the night

Counting
Scars

Everyone is afraid of something
A bit of fear is good, healthy even
But there is a difference between
Being afraid
And allowing fear to
Paralyze you
Yes,
Fear is strong
No one argues that
But when?
When are you going to accept that
Strength is only relative
And you?

**You are stronger

Deep green
Brown, blue, gold flecks
Explode from inside the green
The flecks, they lay immersed in the green
Floating, dancing
These green eyes,
Her eyes,
They stand open
Wide
Huge on a tiny, precious face
They stare
Then they dart
Taking in the room
Watching
Questioning

Long, dark eyelashes outline
These deep green eyes
And they flicker
Down
Up
Down
Up

Her delicate curls are pulled back
Carefully, lovingly
Into two messy pigtails

Her lips
Full, pink, soft
Slightly parted
They lie silent
Thoughts begin to flood her brain
Words begin to overflow into the depths of her mouth
Soon they reach her tongue
Sliding, slipping
Begging to be free
But no sound escapes
Quickly, her lips close
Tight
And these lips
They hold off the wave
Yes, her lips are
Still
Pushed together
Firmly, determined

Her hands
So small, so fragile
These hands
Grasp at the edges of her shirt and
Slowly, gently,
Peel it off her skinny torso
Leaving her chest exposed and
Cold
Deliberately, her fingers undo the button
On her tie dye jean shorts
And her shorts, they
Fall
Cascading down
Landing in a pile at her ankles
And her hands
Those tiny, fragile hands

They clench into fists

And those lips
Those full, pink, soft lips
They press together
Harder
And those pigtails
Those carefully, lovingly placed pigtails
Are violently ripped out
By the hands of a monster
And now
Her curls
Her delicate curls
They plummet down the sides of her face
Settling against her cheeks
Shadowing her eyes
Those deep green eyes
That squeeze shut
As the voice of the monster cuts through the air
And on her command
His fingers
With painstaking exactness
Burn their way up her calf
To the inside of her thigh
And still
Up
Farther
They go

Yes, she closes her eyes
Her deep green eyes
And her small hands
They unclench
And then reach up
And cover her ears

Just like that
Her world turns dark
And silent

Weight
So heavy
Pile after pile of
Corpulent burdens

Massive amounts of
Stuff

Thought after thought
Thousands of miniscule pins
Poking
Prodding
Pounding

Relief?

It all comes down to
Just how well can I
Express myself

Too bad
My words never truly articulate my meaning
Too bad
My insides fizzle with rage at the slightest struggle

Too bad

No relief
Only me
Immobilzed
Bending

Crushed

I just want
To kiss that
Scar
On your lip

But
I won't
I shouldn't
I can't

So many people
With so much hurt
So many problems
Here's a blank, insert

Struggling with issues
Far greater than mine
Experiences, thoughts, feelings
All intertwined

So who am I,
Who am I to complain?
To whine?
When what I have
In comparison
Is pure, unfiltered
Sunshine

Four and a half children die
Each day
The statistics say

This is a terrible problem
You say
You urge your employees to listen
To listen well
To watch for the warning signs
To prevent it
Yes, please
This is a problem
Each day
Four and a half children die
Because of child abuse

What if I told you
Your problem is bigger
So much bigger
Exponentially larger

Yes,
I would argue
That number needs to be
Adjusted

More like
Hundreds of thousands
Of Children
Die
Each day

As they are
Neglected
When then they should be loved
Verbally torn down
When they should be built up
Touched
Where they shouldn't be touched
They die
Slowly, painfully
They are
Alienated
Slowly, painfully
They sink away
Flipping inside out
Caving in
Only in their very depths
Do they find anything
Even remotely resembling
Solace
They are
Confused
They are
Angry
They are
Alone

There is no one
No one to talk to
No one to trust

At some point
Their senses cease to exist
They stop tasting
They stop smelling
They stop seeing
They stop hearing
They stop

Feeling

And everything goes
Black and
Numb

So they stumble
Eyes closed
Arms flailing
Thrusting there head above the waves

Sure, they're still breathing
But they're not
Alive

Sometimes I just want to
Scream
At the world

NO YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG

Then
Run away
And hide
In a cardboard box
On the side of the road
In a ditch somewhere
Anywhere
Just far, far away

I wonder how long people would care?

Eventually
My dramatic scene
Would mean
Nothing
My presence
Would no longer be missed
Eventually
People would forget

The only thing of me remaining,
Rotting skin
***** bones

A dilapidated cardboard box
Soggy
Left out in the rain

Underneath it all
Is just
A little girl

A little girl
Who fell in love with
The rush of wind through her hair
The feeling of flying
The risk
The reward

A little girl
Who crashed
And crashed
And crashed

But never gave up

This sense
Is forever changed for me
Forever changed,
Inside of me

It has been
Utterly wrecked
Completely stolen
Thoroughly clawed
Ripped
Out of my body

My whole life
I have been confused by
Touch
I have been misled by
Touch
I have been deceived by
Touch
I have been violated by
Touch
I have been irreversibly
Hurt
By
Touch

So I don't let
Anyone
Touch
Me

But,
For some inexplicable reason,
Your
Touch
Is different.

When you hug me
When you lay close
And pull me in
And put your head on my shoulder
And wrap your arms around me
I feel
Incredibly,
Indescribably,
Safe.

In the past
I have pushed myself
And forced myself to
Touch
To hug
To show my love
But the whole time
It's painful
The whole time
I am fighting
My mind is

Screaming

Stop.
Run.
Get out.
But my body stays
Because I so desperately
Desire
For it to feel normal
And right
To enjoy it
To be like everyone else
For
Once

But with you
I don't have to fight
I don't feel like I am going to
Explode
If I don't run
If I don't escape
Opening up to you
It's easy
It's comfortable
I say things
I've never said
And I'm not afraid
It feels good
I've known you for a sliver of this life
But I trust you
Like you've always been here
When I'm talking to you
When you're holding me
I feel
So safe
So protected
So secure
So content
So loved

And it scares the **** out of me.

Because never,
Never has
Touch
Felt this way

I do not understand.

And that's why I ask you
To leave
That's why sometimes
I distance myself
Because after awhile
I can't handle it
I need a break
From your

Unsettling safety

Sometimes I really want to take a scalpel to my chest
And just start
Slicing

But that could be
Dangerous

You never know
What might come
Spurting out

Music that will turn you
Into a slobbering, broken, beautiful mess
While your arms lie stretched over the keys
Shaking, shivering uncontrollably
And your throat is tied tight, restricted

That is my favorite kind

You actually don't know everything
So get off your pompous ***
Climb down from your throne
And face reality

**** is a real thing
It happens in books
It happens in movies
But it also happens to real people
Everyday

People talk about it
All the time
But
To them it's a joke
A hilarious situation
An exaggeration
So extraordinary
It warrants laughter

I ask how the game went
The response
"Oh man, we got *****"
A friend walks out to her car
They yell after her,
"Love you!
Be Careful!
Don't get *****!"
And then the giggles ensue
Because obviously
This isn't a legitimate threat
**** isn't something
We should actually be concerned about
Because obviously
You have control over
Whether or not you get *****

When I hear these things
**** spoken about
In this context
I have to stop myself from
Striking out
In a livid explosion
Of boiling anger and frustration
We live in such a bubble
A bubble of artificial safety
We lie to ourselves everyday
All I want to do is
Pop this bubble
With a giant metal rod
I want to just run at it
And stab at it
Until there is nothing left
I want to scream
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
But usually my mouth stays
Shut
My anger,
Behind the gates
Because it's not the time or place
Because I'm a coward
Because I don't want to be known as
The ****** girl
Who takes things too far
So I endure it
And nothing changes

And gradually
**** loses its
Twisted significance
With each joke
****
Moves further away from
A reality
And closer
To a bad dream
Closer to
A story
That could
Never
Possibly
Happen
To
You

I'm sick of waiting for
The right time
The right place
I don't think they're ever coming
So here it is

**** is real

A cold hard fact
Right there
Stop trying to escape it
Or sugar-coat it
Or rationalize why it's okay to joke about it
Accept it and work to change it
Don't ignorantly perpetuate the problem
It's not that we need to walk around fearing for our lives
That's no way to live
But it's time to adopt some sensitivity
Some awareness
Some sense of reality
We need to give thought to our words
Before they hit the air
Before they hurt the world
Because

**** is real

**** happens in big cities
At night
In downtown alleys
At bars
Behind clubs
To homeless people
To strippers
To prostitutes
To people
"Asking for it"
Whatever that means
But
It also happens
To innocent 14 years old girls
In sleepy suburban Minnesota
In broad daylight

Technically,
You stole my virginity
But I still haven't had ***

What you did to me,
That wasn't ***.
That was
Violent,
Intoxicated,
Hard,
Rough,
Fast,
Dry,
*****
*******.
You ****** me.
Without my permission,
You ****** me.

*** is
Passionate,
Heated,
Intimate,
Exhilarating,
Pleasure,
Touching­,
Experiencing,
Loving

*** is intentional
*** is consensual

*** is a beautiful thing
Designed by God
To bring us together
To bring us fullness
To bring us completeness

*** is
Everything
You didn't do to me

Sometimes
We allow our hurt
To blind us
All we see
Are all the things that have ended
All we see
Are all the people who have let us down
All we see
Are all the ways the world has wronged us

And we forget

We forget
All the things that have gone right
All the people we have been blessed with
All the people who have loved us
And stayed
This good
These things
These people
Are bigger
More plentiful
Still
We only see the hurt
Because
The hurt is far more memorable
The torture has been
Etched
Into the very fiber of our beings
With a knife
A knife so sharp
A simple touch
To the pad of your finger
Would produce a stream of
Red
An undeniable scar of suffering
Yes,
The hurt may be smaller
But only
In raw amount
These unexpected, unwanted outcomes
These abrupt endings
They leave
Marks that are unable to be erased
Memories that burn through our skulls
And eat away at our flesh
Flashes of recollection
That rob us of life
Pain
So deep
We can feel it
All over our
Body
All throughout our
Broken
Bones
The open slices, they
Bleed
Fast and strong and full of confusion, they
Bleed
And using our shirt,
We mop up this
Blood
This rapid, rising
Flood
But no matter how many times
We wash our shirt
The stains
Remain

So I ask of you
Every time you look down
And see one of
Those gaping wounds,
Your gaping wounds
Those gaudy stains
Your gaudy stains
Please
Remember
All of those who have
Stayed
All of those who have
Embraced you
And refused to let go
Don't let yourself be fooled
The bad,
It has nothing on you.
Nothing.
Good triumphs over evil
Now and for
Eternity
Don't wade in circles,
Trapping yourself neck-deep in a puddle of
Hurt
Don't sit in self-induced
Blindness
Don't miss it
Just because
Your long lashes, your heavy lids,
That conceal your soul
Have been stubbornly glued shut
By you

Open your eyes

I know,
The light is bright
Take it slow
You can do it
Open your eyes
With the restoration of your sight
Will come your heart
It's terrifying
I know
But you're capable
Please
Believe and
See

Because
More often than we
Recognize
Perceive
Realize

**Good things happen to good people

When you throw a plate at the ground
It breaks
And no matter how many times
You apologize
It will stay on the floor
A million little shards of ceramic
So scattered
All the sweeping in the world
Would still leave some pieces
Behind

Worship to me is to be set free
Fully liberated
Completely cleansed
From things in my life that
Hurt me
Anger me
Distract me
Worship to me is to get on my knees and praise my God
My God who is above all things
Worship to me is not just singing,
Not just banging on keys or drums
But to honestly accept that He is my King
To believe with every fiber of my being
That He has overcame and through Him,
So can I
Worship sheds a brilliant light into my darkest corners
Worship to me is knowing,
Knowing with all my heart that I will be alright
Worship to me is receiving his grace
Worship to me is not something you do in one place or at one time
No,
Worship to me is a lifestyle
Worship to me is giving up my will and letting his be done
Worship to me is honoring his Son
Worship to me is a reminder to the devil
That no matter how hard he tries
There's no way he will ever get on my level

With all that I am,
Thank you.
Thank you for caring

I wish I could fully show you
Just how much it means

Do you ever have those moments
When life just seems
Too ridiculous to be true
Like you're going to wake up
And everything will have been
Made up
Fictitious
Not real
The last month
No, really
The whole last year
Has me
Feeling like
That

But for one of the first times in my life
It's because
Everything has so perfectly aligned
Fallen into its rightful places
Places I didn't even see
Places that popped up and surprised me
Delighted me
Amazed me
Reminded me why
Life is wonderful

Yes, recently,
Life rocks
I am excessively happy
All the time
The corners of my mouth
Turn down for what?
Nothing.
And no one can take that from me
Because I have a Savior who died for me
I have a God who answers my prayers
Every single day

My circumstances seem confusing
They make no sense on the surface
But deeper, deeper they do
They make all the sense in the world
And deeper,
Deep down inside
I know
I am definitely not dreaming
No, not even close
This is the most authentic,
The most real love
I've ever experienced

Tonight I went on a run
And as I passed one particular backyard
A giant yellow lab came racing up to meet me
But he was fenced in
No getting out
Upon this realization
He went crazy
He ran
He leaped
He scurried in circles
Desperately attempting to get over that metal cage
He jumped some more
Barking
Yelping
Coming awful close
To freedom
Many times
Never backing down
Never giving up

But then I spotted
You
Laying down in the grass
Far removed from the edges of the yard
No urgency
Just defeat
Large black eyes
Dejected
Head laying against your paws
No noise
No action

It doesn't make sense
I think to myself
Your legs work
I know it
Your voice
It works too
I know it

At least the other dog was
Trying

You say you want in
But I don't think you do
You don't know
What you're getting yourself into

You don't deserve my mess
Draped all over you

It was all a fantasy
A feverish, fast, incredible dream
Your hand reaching for mine
Your lips slowly slipping their way down my torso
Hot against my skin
Igniting my insides
Your fingers, running through my hair
Your smile, crooked, but so **** cute
Our talks,
so deep
so raw
so real

But it wasn't real
None of it, not a second, not a single word
It was a terrible, wretched, ******* lie
And I knew it.
All along I knew it.

But I played along
I let you in
I trusted you
I believed you
Because in that moment,
It felt good
It felt right

People warned me about you, I had heard all the stories
But I thought you were different
I gave you a chance
Because you made me believe you deserved one
Because I wanted so badly to believe,
To believe that I was different than those other girls
That you had changed
That we, together, were unique

You told me I was beautiful,
You told me that my laugh made you smile,
So I laughed more
And you smiled more
You made me jello jiggler santas in June
We ate the whole tray
and we ripped their heads off
and we thought it was the funniest thing in the whole world
You opened doors for me
You kissed me in the rain
You would hug me like you never wanted to let me go  
You listened so attentively
You were so sweet
So genuine

You did everything so right
But it was the farthest thing thing from right
It was so wrong
You are so wrong
I was so wrong

You held my heart in your hands
And then you dropped it
No.
Scratch that.
You threw it, chucked it
You hurled it violently into the wind
Not caring how or where it landed
And it shattered
A million unanswered promises left blowing in every direction

And no one even knew.

I have always appreciated clothes
To me,
They mean protection
They cover me
They keep me safe
They provide a layer,
A barrier
Between me and you

But here I am
Standing in front of you
Naked
Every inch of my body
Every piece of my soul
Bared for you to see
Open, willing to be examined
Exposed
Naked
So naked

But

It's not even weird
It's not even awkward
You still look at me
You still treat me
The same
Everything has changed
But yet, nothing has changed

And that is incredibly unnerving

I am standing here
Naked
So naked
But safe
Yes, so safe
I am standing here naked
But it is this safety,

This safety is the part that terrifies me

Fifty years later
And the tears are still
Falling
In the midst of the rain
Your lips spit out the words
I continue to deny

Feelings
Are
**Real

Sometimes,
When you're sitting on the ground
Alone
And the tears are streaming down your cheeks
Creating caverns
Digging deep into your flesh
Hot and clear and razor sharp
In these moments,
The sadness
The pain
It's caused not just by the bad memories
But also the good ones
The good memories
You know won't happen
Ever again
The good memories that are
Forever
Stuck in the corners of the past,
Corners that are filling with dust and cobwebs
At an exponential rate
Corners that,
With every tick of the clock
Seem to speed further and further
Out of reach
Out of sight

But never out of mind

What if
His words weren't actually
What caused the hurt
But instead
It was just simply
The truth
That did it
He slapped you
Straight in the face
With the truth
That he will
Always
Tell you the truth
Always.
The truth that
He is honest with you
All the time
The truth that
You have been
More than real with him
So he is giving you back
Even more than you gave
The truth that
He is not
Just another
He is different
The truth that
He has professed
Time and time again
He loves you

And you love him too.

No, his words
The way he said it
That wasn't okay
But boys can be stupid
He never promised to be eloquent or graceful
He never promised to say
All the right things
At all the right times
And I don't think that's even what you want
But he has promised you
The gift of
Honesty
To treat you like a person
Not a princess
To grace you with
Nothing but
The truth
That he cares
That he loves you

And you don't really know
What to do with it
But you care too

That's the truth

They say the truth is hard
That the truth,
It hurts
He slapped you
Straight in the face
With the truth
And it stung

It's still stinging

But I think you finally saw it
At least,
I hope you see it

But you can't just see it
And ignore it
Pretending you're blind, deaf, devoid of feeling
It won't work
Because it won't stop stinging
Until you accept it
Until you embrace it
This despised
This wonderful

Truth

Particles condensing
Colliding
Collapsing
On top of me
Your limbs
Closing in
Fast
No time to react
Overwhelmed by the pressure
The air
Filling
Space depleted
Too soon
Not a corner is left
Empty
Every inch of my body
Surrounded
Wrapped up
Your possession
Vigorously, I shake
A wild turbulent with no course
But I cannot throw this stifling cover

I am gasping for breath
But my jaw remains hinged

I am clawing to break free
But I can't even lift my arms

He found her most beautiful
Not when she was all fancied up
But when she wasn't
When she was lying on the ground
Rolling in the dirt
Her hair, a mess
Her body, folded over
In stitches
Her mouth open wide
Teeth bared,
Laughing about something stupid
That had happened years ago
A crazy laughter
Encouraged by the dry summer heat
In these moments
When she wasn't trying to impress anyone
When she had taken down that wall she built for most people
That's when
He couldn't keep his eyes off of her

I can't stand that I feel this way
I absolutely hate it
These feelings
These stupid, selfish feelings
This jealousy
This stupid, selfish jealousy
And I hate that I hate it
Because
I have no excuse
No reason
To be down on myself
No reason
For this boiling hatred
All around me I see God
Working through people
Attempting to touch me
But it's like I'm wearing a shield
And no one can get in
They are knocking, shaking, reaching
To break through
But their path has been blocked
They have tried to shatter this shield from a multitude of angles
But I have stood my ground
Strong and stubborn
Now though
They're ready to give up
And it's all my fault

I am living in this
Vicious, never-ending,
*******
Circle
Of self hate
And I hate it

But I can't seem to find a way to escape

I have begun to free myself from the bottle
I no longer spend my time
Toiling away
Exhausting myself at the hands of this painstaking process
Of pushing my soul through the neck
And then shoving a cork in after it
So that nothing can possibly seep through

Yes,
I'm done with that.
I'm tired of that.

But underlying the bubbling explosion of my sentiments
Sits the apprehension
Silently nudging me,
Telling me
That I should stop,
I should stop shaking the bottle
That I should have never spent so much energy,
I never should have looked
So hard
For the corkscrew

When the bubbles finish rising
Out of this inadequate container,
What is left, will be less
Much less

And I'm not sure
If that is any better

I want a doll with eyes
Yes,
With beautiful eyes
And with feet
That can run away
And toes
That can feel

And then
I want to take this doll and
Stab it
Smash it
Tear out its hair
Slice off its toes
Chop it up
Mar its perfect, plastic skin

Leave it

Unrecognizable

**Because that's exactly what you did to me

I brushed it off
I pretended it wasn't a big deal
I said you really had no reason to feel that way

But
I shouldn't have
It is
You do

The truth is
I didn't know what to say
Because
I feel the same way about you
People have deserted me
People have deceived me
My entire life
I have come to expect it
When you spend time with other people
I always feel the painful twinge
Of selfish jealousy
This jealousy, it's irrational and I know it
But that doesn't mean I still don't feel it
That's part of why I enjoy just being around you
That's why I spend a lot of my time with you
So that you can't forget about me
And leave

But who am I kidding
It's not like I am going to stop you
If you want to leave
You will

When you said that
I didn't know what to say
I failed to return your honesty
Because I didn't want to face the truth
Because I hate that you have been hurt
I hate that you too, have a reason
A reason to expect people to leave
A reason to dread it's seeming inevitability
I hate that I have given you a reason to leave
Because I have
I have been so selfish
Fully absorbed
In things the really don't even matter
I was ridiculously irresponsible
But instead of judgement or anger
You treated me with overflowing compassion and love
Things I haven't even earned
You told me about kissing R
You told me you still love T
And I was too drunk to really care
To give you an appropriate response
A thoughtful response
I abused your care
I abused your love
I've been so wrapped up in myself that
I've neglected to really ask
How are you?
Or maybe I did
But I didn't take the time
To really listen to the answer
Last night,
You were real with me
Like always
You confessed that you didn't want me to leave
That you felt like I was already floating away
And I just pretended like that was a stupid, silly thing to think
I shot down your honesty
I was too scared to actually address your words
Because
They cut deep
Right to the bone
I let you struggle with it
Alone
I went to bed
I ran
Hoping everything would magically be better in the morning
But it doesn't work that way
I was lying to myself
I was lying to you
Two things
I'm all too good at

I have a deep-seated desire
For you to think
That I'm all good
That I'm okay
That I'm starting to figure this whole life thing out
But I'm not
And you know
You know me so well
And I know you know
So there is no sense in hiding
In pretending
In being afraid
You have poured all of yourself into my life
You have promised to be there
Always
And I have let you down
I wish I could promise this will be the last time
That I won't mess it up again
But in the spirit of being honest
That's probably not true

But I believe
I believe love has the power to overcome
Love prevails
And I love you.
I really do.
Not a superficial love
But a strangely trusting love
The kind of love where your smile makes me smile
The kind of love where simply your presence changes my day
An overwhelming love
An all-encompassing love
You are my sister.
And I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I really, really love you.

If I could hug you forever
I would
If I could cling to you,
Covered in your comfort,
Covered in your protection,
Forever
I would
If I could love you
Forever
I would

And I will

If you let me,
I will

Please believe me,
I will

And someday
We will be wrinkly, old ladies
Swaying back and forth
Riding rocking chairs on your front porch
Still cracking up at each other's dumb jokes
Smiling
Trusting
Living

She was there when
I first rode a two wheeler
All by myself
She was the one who
Grabbed the back of the seat and gently pushed me along
Helping me to stay balanced
Letting me go at the perfect moment
Hugging me
Telling me how proud she was
When I finally got it

She was there when
I mastered the chain stitch
She taught me how
She encouraged me when
I got frusterated
And threw the needle and yarn down in disgust and defeat
She's the one who said
You can do it
Keep trying

She was there when
I landed my first backside boardslide
She had him build the ramp and rail
For me
So I could practice
And get better
She clapped when
I did it
She smiled and said
I knew you could

She was there when
I was first really introduced to Christianity
She told me about God
His awesome power
His amazing grace
She answered my questions
Pushed me to
Look closer
Delve deeper

But
She was also there when
I was hurt
Beyond any comprehensibly reason
She was the grand master of my pain
Directing the show with
Biting words and
Slicing actions
She was the one who
Made the demands
She was the one who sat and watched
Hand on my thigh
Stroking
As he whipped his ***** against the side of my face
As he licked places that should not be licked
She was the one who
Smacked
And yelled
And kissed
And touched

Yes
She did all these things
And this,
This is why
My heart overflows with conflict
And nothing,
Not a single thing
Makes any sense
I feel a strange sense of attachment and care
But in the same moment I am gripped with boiling hatred
My brain is twisted into
A spiraled mess of indecision
And I just want
Out
To not feel sick
But
Normal
To know that what I feel is true
And right

But I can't
And I don't

I want to make a list
Of everything,
All the things,
You hate about yourself.
All the imperfections,
You think
You have
But don't.

And then destroy it
Tear it apart
Rip.
Shred.
Annihilate it.

Along with the very idea
of hating anything about yourself

You are surrounded by amazing people,
People who love you to the ends of this earth
And these people,
They care about you
More than you will ever know

And then there's God
He's here
He's everywhere
And He loves you too
With a crazy, unfathomable love

So quit telling yourself that you are nothing
Because you are everything
Except nothing

You are appreciated
You are loved
Your life is worth it

You are beautiful
Everywhere
All over
Outside
Inside
Yes, you
*You are so beautiful

I've thought about it
Millions of times
How I could
Get back at you
How I could
Show you,
Make you understand,
What you did to me

I would see you in the halls
And my hatred would
Boil up
Hot, seething, pounding,
Underneath my skin
Threatening to break through
To burst forth
Out of my veins
And spill
All over the floor
Saturating the carpet
Down the stairs
Covering the railings
Seeping, slipping, slithering
Until it reached you
Until it engulfed you
And then,
The hands of my hatred,
These hands
They would
Slowly, carefully, painfully
Strangle
Your *****, ******* neck

But no,
I never did anything
I pushed away these
Horrible, murderous
Visions, thoughts, fantasies
And I never did anything

I never did anything
And
I don't plan to

Because I realized that
No amount of fiery, furious words
Would ever even start
To compare
To the damage you did to me
No amount of rage-filled actions
Would ever even start
To bring about
Justice

I am bigger than that
I am better than that
So much better than that

I will overcome
I can overcome
I have overcame
I will succeed in life
I can succeed in life
I have succeeded in life

In spite of you.

You may have taken my innocence
But you can't take my spirit

Today I stand

I am so blessed
I have so much joy
I am surrounded by so much love

Today I stand

Dented, bruised
But
Beautiful,
Absolutely beautiful
A creation only God
Could have possibly hand-crafted

Today I stand

Smiling
Happy
Alive

Today I stand
Strong
In spite of you

Talk about revenge

I'm slipping into nothing
Into everything

With every sound not heard
I slide
Further down,
Alone,
Disappearing,
Forgotten

I'm losing my whole world
To the silence of my cries

There's so much I should say
So many thoughts
Words waiting to tumble
But I just can't let it flow

It's too early; it's too fresh.

If I say it all out loud
I can't take it back

It will be stranded in the air
Splattered above me,
Hanging.
Heavy.
Weighing down the atmosphere,
Beyond repair.