Was catching up on some beauty sleep
When up the stairs I heard something creep
Was very dark,  the middle of the night
Actually **** the bed, such a terrible fright

Ugly, clumsy too, big mouth with it's teeth bared  
Couldn't move from my bed even if I had dared
Froth coming from it's mouth, twas heavy breathing
Felt like my worst nightmare but I wasn't dreaming

Ugly thing was getting closer now, right at the door
Blanket up over my head, couldn't take any more
It belched and farted continuously, much to my disgust
I took a peek and it's eyes were now full of wanton lust

"Please spare me" I begged and I was starting to cry
"Don't **** me you monster, I am too young to die"
Ugly thing just laughed and peeled off it"s clothes
Jumped into bed next to me and I instantly froze

Dark and with no glasses, I was visually impaired
Started praying to God, hoping I would be spared
Laughing it went under the blanket, starting to *****
Cold grip on my *****, I was starting to loose all hope

Gained some strength, enough to turn on the bed light
Lifted the blanket then and got an even bigger fright
Confronted I was by an ugly face and pair of big *****
Was not a monster at all, twas only the wife in the ****

Seems the girls night out had come to a very early end
Wife was terribly drunk and I guess, so were her friends
I jumped out of bed then thinking no way can I **** it
Ran to the lounge as she shouted "Bring me a bucket"

Knew she would be spewing all night, it never fails
When she drinks two hundred or so strong cocktails
Believe me people, my missus drunk is not a pretty sight
If you ran into her in the dark, you too would get a fright