I'm trying to be okay, I write
five things a day that make me happy
Like one cup of vanilla ice cream with five spoons for each friend
or that gym teacher who ran alongside his class
I draw up plans for the future
drenched in exclamation points, like punctuation can change
the meaning behind the words, and sometimes
I think I can lie to myself
But feeling isn't just something that goes away, even numbness tastes like pain

The pain is everywhere
It's the pangs of my heart, it's in the lethargy of my eyes and the calloused soles of feet, worn from walking in circles
My head is stuck in a constant lightning storm, my face always  under the water, chest screaming to breathe
and dying seems so easy

The pain still swirls around me like a tornado, and as if
putting my faith in a magic spell
I just stand in the middle of it with my hands over my eyes,
Whispering the words, over and over

"I'm okay."