Earth    1999 -    
It's an adventure. I'm chasing sunlight and fighting dragons in my mind.
Want to join me?
It's an adventure. I'm chasing sunlight and fighting dragons in my mind.
Want to join me?
Amethyst Fyre
Amethyst Fyre
11 hours ago

I hated myself last night
For the confusion I caused
For stepping out of line
For the intent to deceive

It was silly actually- all over pretty, pink satin shoes
The right people got paid in the end
No one ever knew the lie
All was cordial, all is fine
But even if no one gets hurt, isn't deception for your own personal benefit still wrong?

I just want to be a good person

I took a needle to my arm last night
Until the red of my blood pooled through
Whether to comfort myself or as punishment I'm not quite sure
But who's to say that it can't be both?

I wish I could tell myself that I didn't deserve it

Kind of a therapeutic write for me
Amethyst Fyre
Amethyst Fyre
2 days ago

How can I possibly be so deep inside my own head and still breathe?
How is there anything left in there for me to think?
The electricity pulses behind my eyes and
it hurts
Like live wires going supernova before they die
It hurts to think
It hurts to breathe
It hurts to be

Amethyst Fyre
Amethyst Fyre
3 days ago

A cobblestone street made of shadows
With lampposts that shelter poems instead of light

I watch the poems flicker out, one by one
Faster and faster, shattering their glass cases
Shards slicing my arms

I know, I know
The poems always warning of where this road leads
All I can do is drag my feet, draw out fate just a little bit longer
Not here again, please not here

The shadows welcome me home

I can always tell when the darkness comes back because I write more and the titles get longer. At least I'm predictable :)
Amethyst Fyre
Amethyst Fyre
3 days ago

I'm trying to be okay, I write
five things a day that make me happy
Like one cup of vanilla ice cream with five spoons for each friend
or that gym teacher who ran alongside his class
I draw up plans for the future
drenched in exclamation points, like punctuation can change
the meaning behind the words, and sometimes
I think I can lie to myself
But feeling isn't just something that goes away, even numbness tastes like pain

The pain is everywhere
It's the pangs of my heart, it's in the lethargy of my eyes and the calloused soles of feet, worn from walking in circles
My head is stuck in a constant lightning storm, my face always  under the water, chest screaming to breathe
and dying seems so easy

The pain still swirls around me like a tornado, and as if
putting my faith in a magic spell
I just stand in the middle of it with my hands over my eyes,
Whispering the words, over and over

"I'm okay."

Amethyst Fyre
Amethyst Fyre
4 days ago

The school bus rumbles forward in the night
It is raining, I think
The water blurring city lights into stars

and the world comes apart

Each of its clockwork cogs lining themselves up before my eyes
The tress that died for this road,
the steel factory workers, the cells of my heart
I scramble to fit the pieces back together, yet there are just too many

The grass in the backyard, uncovered from its sheet of snow, appears ever so much brighter than I expect it to be
But I suppose that makes sense, in a world that spontaneously changes its shape
in Here, this peculiar place I've reached

And I'm not quite sure I want to leave

I've decided to try write some of my poems into a story, so I won't be posting as often for a little while :)

My life is tied neatly in a pretty red bow, ribbons of inseperability threaded between my planet and my soul,
braided into my hair and my heart

I do not know how to breathe without hearing the sound of others gasping for air
And I ask again
When will the world change?
though I mean to say
When will we teach each other how to swim?
Because we have always been drowning in tragedy salted by tears, drowning in the sea

Somehow, I opened my eyes on an island made of gold, bright enough to blind me from the sea, but not bright enough to stop me from hearing
I still hear you choking on the water in your lungs, still hear you drowning,
drowning
The ribbons unraveled but snapping at my feet

drowning

I can't help but wonder
if I'll ever be happy when pretzels taste like tragedy
if I'll ever be happy while I can still hear the tears

If ever I will be happy when red ribbons on presents remind me that the whole world is drowning

Just struck by how privileged I am and how often I take that for granted.
Sometimes I wonder if I make myself feel the way I do so that I can match the rest of the world.
Thanks for reading!

I recognize the girl's yellow dress and red shoes, she crosses her ankles and nods to the black iron chair across from her
So I sit, at a cafe table in the middle of nowhere, the only sound the whipping of wind over the dusty plain
She frowns, dirty blonde curls shifting uneasily

You have to stop trying to kill me she pleads

And I protest
That I have never hurt anyone
But it is no use because she is gone as quick as she came and I am back in my bedroom and she did not state it as a question anyway

And it is true, I finally understand
I am what she says
For when has my life not revolved around her death?
Starving her into weightlessness
Slapping masks on her face, be perfect, I said and in no way let being perfect for herself be enough
Even as a little girl, I knew how hard it was to exist for yourself
And now here I am, fantasizing her suicide
A murderer thousands of times over in thoughts
For it has always, always been about erasing her from this place

Why have you never loved me?
She whispers from inside my heart

I never realized, I try to tell her
My mouth choking over words I don't have to say out loud
For there is no one else in the room
I never realized I didn't love you, I tell the girl
And I recognize her, from pictures, from the mirror

I tell myself,
I will try to make room for you here

And the sun rises, and the watercolors break to dazzle the trees with their array, and she and I, me and I, we dance through the darkness in our yellow dresses and red heels as if we know the way, as if, for the first time,
We believe we are enough

And I put my knifes away.

#love   #depression   #me  
 
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