Losing the two of you
was like watching the sun die
and the air around me
and in my lungs
burst into flame.

it was being stuck
on a lifeless planet
and watching my home
go careening into oblivion.

and after I lost her,
I almost lost my mom.
it still keeps me up at night
everytime she's sick.
I hate myself
sometimes
for trying to push her away
because I didn't want it to hurt
if she really did die.

and on march 15th of 2015, I lost him,
we all did.
and I remember because this month
in 2014
I almost lost myself.

and I remember
that when one of our
old friends called me
my wrists felt like fire
but my mouth was cold.
my chest wouldn't move
and I could not speak
if it was not to grossly scream and sob.

I let myself fall into toxic people
I was vulnerable
but that was no excuse.

I became toxic myself
and I let myself become bad again.
and I don't know what happens
after death but I have to believe in something
because I can't stand to think
that D and Reese are gone and aren't safe
and that selfishly I won't see them again.

and when they tried to break me
these new toxic people,
I found myself.

I am fiery and strong,
a storm siren.
I do not break
because or due to men.

but I have found
within
the love I have
for a boy I met
when I was at the budding age of ten,
that I am much softer,
much gentler than previously made out to be.

and I recognize this feeling as a genuine sort of care and love
because this is the feeling I had
when I only ever wanted to protect her.

you do not need swords or shields
to fight for someone.

every day I fight my past
so I may remain
flying with my bluebird.