Boston    1995 -   
With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay
You said, “Hey man, I love you but no fucking way”
With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay
You said, “Hey man, I love you but no fucking way”

Some people have
Only heard of the ocean

I stood there imagining being
Brought under, the feeling of
Panic for those few short
Moments as you are tossed around
With no way to tell which way is
Up, wishing to be brought back
To the safer depths of the ocean, but
You are spit back up
To the beach, as both the sand and the
Wave that just carried your
Panicked body slowly recede back
To the ocean where you are no longer wanted

Some people have
Only heard of love

But I don't think it is much different

There's an anchor on my ankle and
It's there to stay

You took my hand and told me to squeeze,
Tears falling down my cheeks as the ink pierced my skin

We had the apartment to ourselves that night
It felt like we were all grown up

That week I left everything behind for my boot camp orientation
And returned not feeling, but knowing I had grown up

With a bitter realization I spent the two days home
Crying, trying my best to ignore your texts

It's hard to have ties to your old life when
Everything is changing so rapidly, I am changing so rapidly

And I am so sorry, but I can only afford
One anchor in my life right now

P Julianna
P Julianna
Jun 12      Jun 13

Last week if you asked me who I looked up to the
Most in the world, I would have told you my sister

But I saw the bruises covering her body
and the tears in her eyes as she whispered
"I just hate being alone"

You don't get to pick your family, so God
Surrounded  me with the mentally unstable
Because self destruction is often the result of a prior abuse

I told her she had to leave him, and she said
She deserved it

It scares me to think another human being
Can make your mind work backwards

But I can never un-know the truths of my mother's past
Or un-see the scars of my sisters present,

So I sit here wondering when my time will come, wondering
Who will be the one to manipulate my mind to work backwards

So I hope you can understand why
Sometimes I expect you to do your
Worst, while you continue to give me reasons to expect
Your best

P Julianna
P Julianna
Mar 17      Mar 18

You asked me how I would spend
My last twenty-four hours if they started
At this very moment

We talked late at night planning all the
Things we'd have to do, like camping
Or watching the sunset
But I was too afraid to admit that
I would only need to fall asleep
Next to you with your lips
pressed against mine, and I'd die happy

I got to thinking and realized come August,
We will all be spending our last twenty-four hours
Together in the summer sun, and then
College will take us far away to start our
Separate adventures out of this small town

Sitting in my bed late at night
I couldn't help but cry because if there's
Anything I'm more afraid of than death
It's being alone, and I can't take another year
Of starting over

I'm trying to forget but
Every creak of a
Is the sound
of your apartment's
Stairs and
When I step into the
February night
The only coldness I
Feel comes from the
Going down my
Spine as your hand
Rests on my
Gently tapping at my
Collar bone

I've never felt so
Poisoned, My senses
Never so robbed

P Julianna
P Julianna
Feb 11      Feb 11

I stare at you
Sitting in front of me,
And I feel horrible

You ask me why we haven't
Spoken in weeks and I'm
So sorry, but this time
I am the villain and you
Are the innocent
I am the user, and you
Are the used

I can't explain why I
Do the things I do,
But I hope you can feel my
Sympathetic stare on the back of your head
And realize I never meant
To hurt you

P Julianna
P Julianna
Feb 3      Feb 3

This is a really hard pill to swallow
Swallowing hard on my unspoken words
But I let another person yell at me
Just to tell me I am
Worthless, but the other girls
Don't have this problem, so maybe
He's right

I hate the word slut because
Actions don't define me
If you have words you want to say, please
Whisper them, because everyone knows how closely
I will listen and believe what you
Say, but you will continue to yell at me and
Tell me all the worst
Things about myself and
I will continue to change who I am
From the inside, out

old draft
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