Boston    1995 -    
With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay
You said, “Hey man, I love you but no fucking way”
With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay
You said, “Hey man, I love you but no fucking way”
P Julianna
P Julianna
Nov 19, 2015

Scraped knees and burnt lungs
Hair pulling and touching tongues
Study hard, fail a class
Makeup on, the perfect mask
Scales and sex, you have no power
One night stand, take a shower
Class at eight, get up at nine
Lie to your parents, "I'm doing fine"
Black lace bra, sexy dress
Frat house party, look your best
Pills and smokes, just one more
Boy comes over, shut the door
Greedy hands and spoken words
Words he says he never heard
Sink running, your eyes are too
Look in the mirror, someone new
Black circles, white washed skin
"How the hell did I get so thin"
Another pill, another chapter
The college life everyone's after

P Julianna
P Julianna
Nov 11, 2015

He says he loves me, so genuine and real
My thoughts he has captured, my heart he may steal

Innocent hands and strong arms hold me tight
And I can feel his breathing, his heartbeat, all night
The stories he tells make his eyes run wet
He looks at me with panic, his face full of fret
Afraid I will leave, a pathetic man with bad pasts
But everyone wears these self construed masks
He doesn't understand he is the full perfect package
If only he knew my past full of baggage
I hold him in my arms, kiss away his tears
So salty and sweet but no one can kiss away someone's fears
So we lay there and talk of where we have been
Our ups and our downs, hearts trying to mend

He says he loves me, so genuine and real
My thoughts he has captured, my heart he will steal

P Julianna
P Julianna
Sep 9, 2015

We talk as if
Your hands have more wrinkles
And your eyes have seen
The world

As if
I don't deserve your
Time or effort because
You don't want to be seen with
An embarrassment like me, because
I haven't "lived"

But please don't forget
You once looked at me with
Eyes that didn't need
To see the world,
And once, your inexperienced
Hands were used for learning the curves
Of my body rather than illustrating
The journeys that have made you so
Cultured and wise

Darling, I'm so sorry, but
You've got it all wrong
As if you know what
It really means to
Live

  Sep 9, 2015  P Julianna
Krusty Aranda
Krusty Aranda
Sep 7, 2015

Lay awake
Think of you
Close my eyes
See me too?
Hold your hand
Smile at me
Open heart
Do you see?
Silent kiss
Never comes
Still I wait
Hope not gone
Freezing wind
Warmth of home
In your arms
Not alone
Sit with me
Hear my song
Read my tale
Draw our love
One more time
Try again
On my lips
Yours remain

  Sep 9, 2015  P Julianna
Traveler
Traveler
Sep 8, 2015

Shall love be limited
To the bearer of true soul
Are you so afraid
To just let go

Embrace your heart
Control the beat
Fear not the reaper
Resolve your beast

The realm of all possibilities
Holds a constant flow
Through new days of uncertainty
In the benevolence of our role...

P Julianna
P Julianna
Dec 29, 2014

11:45
Sitting on the beach staring up at my
"High School" friends,
Isn't that weird, having to put the word
High School before so you know I'm not talking about
All the other people I've met since college

It may not seem like it matters but it does
Because these are the people I grew up with and now
Everything feels so different

11:50
They're lighting another joint, I watch their eyes
Go from open and alert to smiling and red
I blame this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach on the
Random drug tests that prevent me from joining in,
But it's not just that which makes me feel
So out of place

11:55
A white lie of feeling sick puts me back in my car
To send me back to the "comfort" of my home
But the only sickness I'm feeling is the
Depression deep in my stomach

11:59
I pull up to a red light and stare
Absent minded at the car in front of me

12:00
Happy Birthday to me. Green light.
I turn left and seriously contemplate
Driving my car head first into the stone wall ahead of me

12:03
Another red light
I tell myself I can't think like that
But am so surprised that college didn't make me
More normal. I expected it to change me
In so many more ways than it has

There are these paper dolls I used to play with
When I was younger and I can't get them out of my head
Another thing that may not seem important, but
I tore through my whole house looking
For these small pieces of cardboard with their
Cardboard dresses and suits
I don't know what that means but I couldn't find them
And cried

12:10
Pull into the drive way and
Carry myself up the same stairs I've been
Climbing since I was born
I don't think anyone should live in the same house
For nineteen years
There are memories hiding in the walls and
Secrets behind every closed door that can't escape me

Present Time
I'm in bed writing this meaningless poem
Thinking about him, and it's giving me this
Weird feeling in my fingertips

My computer has had this virus for the past two months
That I keep ignoring, too lazy to fix, too busy to find out
What exactly is wrong
I think my computer and I have a lot in common

So Happy Birthday to me
Nineteen seems like such a hollow age to be

 
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