Boston    1995 -   
I only have but one complaint at the moment:
Don't paint me black when I used to be golden
I only have but one complaint at the moment:
Don't paint me black when I used to be golden
P Julianna
P Julianna
Jun 12      Jun 13

Last week if you asked me who I looked up to the
Most in the world, I would have told you my sister

But I saw the bruises covering her body
and the tears in her eyes as she whispered
"I just hate being alone"

You don't get to pick your family, so God
Surrounded  me with the mentally unstable
Because self destruction is often the result of a prior abuse

I told her she had to leave him, and she said
She deserved it

It scares me to think another human being
Can make your mind work backwards

But I can never un-know the truths of my mother's past
Or un-see the scars of my sisters present,

So I sit here wondering when my time will come, wondering
Who will be the one to manipulate my mind to work backwards

So I hope you can understand why
Sometimes I expect you to do your
Worst, while you continue to give me reasons to expect
Your best

P Julianna
P Julianna
Mar 17      Mar 18

You asked me how I would spend
My last twenty-four hours if they started
At this very moment

We talked late at night planning all the
Things we'd have to do, like camping
Or watching the sunset
But I was too afraid to admit that
I would only need to fall asleep
Next to you with your lips
pressed against mine, and I'd die happy

I got to thinking and realized come August,
We will all be spending our last twenty-four hours
Together in the summer sun, and then
College will take us far away to start our
Separate adventures out of this small town

Sitting in my bed late at night
I couldn't help but cry because if there's
Anything I'm more afraid of than death
It's being alone, and I can't take another year
Of starting over

I'm trying to forget but
Every creak of a
Door
Is the sound
of your apartment's
Stairs and
When I step into the
February night
The only coldness I
Feel comes from the
Chills
Going down my
Spine as your hand
Rests on my
Neck
Gently tapping at my
Collar bone

I've never felt so
Poisoned, My senses
Never so robbed

P Julianna
P Julianna
Feb 11      Feb 11

I stare at you
Sitting in front of me,
And I feel horrible

You ask me why we haven't
Spoken in weeks and I'm
So sorry, but this time
I am the villain and you
Are the innocent
I am the user, and you
Are the used

I can't explain why I
Do the things I do,
But I hope you can feel my
Sympathetic stare on the back of your head
And realize I never meant
To hurt you

P Julianna
P Julianna
Feb 3      Feb 3

This is a really hard pill to swallow
Swallowing hard on my unspoken words
But I let another person yell at me
Just to tell me I am
Worthless, but the other girls
Don't have this problem, so maybe
He's right

I hate the word slut because
Actions don't define me
If you have words you want to say, please
Whisper them, because everyone knows how closely
I will listen and believe what you
Say, but you will continue to yell at me and
Tell me all the worst
Things about myself and
I will continue to change who I am
From the inside, out

old draft
P Julianna
P Julianna
Jan 5      Jan 5

My feelings are
Nipping at the heels of
My thoughts, which are
Nipping at the
Heels of my actions
And

I've never felt
So

Strange

In a race
Only with

Myself,
It's dragging on


Forever

P Julianna
P Julianna
Dec 28, 2013      Dec 29, 2013

Growing up is making me anxious because
I'm not ready to be an adult when
I still fear like a child with my flashlight
Under the covers

At what age does my blanket in a dark room
No longer protect me from the
Monsters I cannot see?

 
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