Boston    1995 -   
With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay
You said, “Hey man, I love you but no fucking way”
With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay
You said, “Hey man, I love you but no fucking way”
P Julianna
P Julianna
Dec 29, 2014

Sitting on the beach staring up at my
"High School" friends,
Isn't that weird, having to put the word
High School before so you know I'm not talking about
All the other people I've met since college

It may not seem like it matters but it does
Because these are the people I grew up with and now
Everything feels so different

They're lighting another joint, I watch their eyes
Go from open and alert to smiling and red
I blame this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach on the
Random drug tests that prevent me from joining in,
But it's not just that which makes me feel
So out of place

A white lie of feeling sick puts me back in my car
To send me back to the "comfort" of my home
But the only sickness I'm feeling is the
Depression deep in my stomach

I pull up to a red light and stare
Absent minded at the car in front of me

Happy Birthday to me. Green light.
I turn left and seriously contemplate
Driving my car head first into the stone wall ahead of me

Another red light
I tell myself I can't think like that
But am so surprised that college didn't make me
More normal. I expected it to change me
In so many more ways than it has

There are these paper dolls I used to play with
When I was younger and I can't get them out of my head
Another thing that may not seem important, but
I tore through my whole house looking
For these small pieces of cardboard with their
Cardboard dresses and suits
I don't know what that means but I couldn't find them
And cried

Pull into the drive way and
Carry myself up the same stairs I've been
Climbing since I was born
I don't think anyone should live in the same house
For nineteen years
There are memories hiding in the walls and
Secrets behind every closed door that can't escape me

Present Time
I'm in bed writing this meaningless poem
Thinking about him, and it's giving me this
Weird feeling in my fingertips

My computer has had this virus for the past two months
That I keep ignoring, too lazy to fix, too busy to find out
What exactly is wrong
I think my computer and I have a lot in common

So Happy Birthday to me
Nineteen seems like such a hollow age to be

  Reposted by P Julianna  ·  Nov 14, 2014
Jack Piatt
Jack Piatt
Nov 14, 2014      Nov 14, 2014

She complained about the sun thinning
Maybe it was on some sort of cosmic diet
She complained about me, to me
She loved me, but she didn’t love her
Self that is

She didn’t see what was easy for me to see
The little lies that fell from her mouth
Quickly morphing into truth out of respect
For the heart they used to sing with on mornings
When sleep wouldn’t stick around

She … She was something
Something to revel at
When she used the window for a TV screen
Buses and bikes gliding by quiet trees

She would blow me kisses but quickly suck them back in
Laughing at how quickly my smile fell into a frown

She loved me

(c) Nov 2014
#love   #thoughts   #she  
P Julianna
P Julianna
Oct 30, 2014

Nobody is happy.
Nobody gets up in the morning ready to conquer the world before breakfast
Nobody has skin made of porcelain and sunlight and nobody
has a body without a stretch mark, or extra fat, or thighs that are
too big and a butt that is too small. Nobody fucking cares if your
hair is perfect or looks like a rats nest. Nobody understands half as much
As they claim too, and nobody can tell you how to perceive
The world we're living in. Your life is as meaningless as you let it be and
No one can change that but yourself. No one is going to remember what
You did when you were sixteen when you're eighty,
And no one is going to remember who you
Kissed under the bleachers when you're on your death bed. So go
Skinny dipping in every lake you visit, take photographs of
All the little things you experience, and take in the big things
With the lens of your own two eyes. Do drugs. Have sex on the beach.
Make the same mistakes twice. Fall in love with
Everyone you meet, because there is no such thing as a soul mate.
People change with the seasons and they will leave bruises in
Your rib cage and tears behind your eyes too afraid
To fall. You are only as in love as you fool yourself to be and
You know what? He will leave and you will
Get over it. Don't look to God to find the answers, you will
Find them when you're loading your veins with poison or
Bleeding red after your first fight. I've gained more understanding of
Why I was put in this world watching a sunset stoned
Letting the sky go from pink to black. I've found more connection
To God while sniffing white off a college desk I can't remember.
One day you're here living your life and the next day your'e not.
No fucking bible is going to give me the answers on why this is or
How to make this better. The one thing that is certain in this
World is that you and me and everyone else will die,
And only you can make your short time on this earth meaningful.
So go out and do it.

P Julianna
P Julianna
Oct 15, 2014

Some people have
Only heard of the ocean

I stood there imagining being
Brought under, the feeling of
Panic for those few short
Moments as you are tossed around
With no way to tell which way is
Up, wishing to be brought back
To the safer depths of the ocean, but
You are spit back up
To the beach, as both the sand and the
Wave that just carried your
Panicked body slowly recede back
To the ocean where you are no longer wanted

Some people have
Only heard of love

But I don't think it is much different

P Julianna
P Julianna
Sep 1, 2014

There's an anchor on my ankle and
It's there to stay

You took my hand and told me to squeeze,
Tears falling down my cheeks as the ink pierced my skin

We had the apartment to ourselves that night
It felt like we were all grown up

That week I left everything behind for my boot camp orientation
And returned not feeling, but knowing I had grown up

With a bitter realization I spent the two days home
Crying, trying my best to ignore your texts

It's hard to have ties to your old life when
Everything is changing so rapidly, I am changing so rapidly

And I am so sorry, but I can only afford
One anchor in my life right now

P Julianna
P Julianna
Jun 12, 2014      Jun 13, 2014

Last week if you asked me who I looked up to the
Most in the world, I would have told you my sister

But I saw the bruises covering her body
and the tears in her eyes as she whispered
"I just hate being alone"

You don't get to pick your family, so God
Surrounded  me with the mentally unstable
Because self destruction is often the result of a prior abuse

I told her she had to leave him, and she said
She deserved it

It scares me to think another human being
Can make your mind work backwards

But I can never un-know the truths of my mother's past
Or un-see the scars of my sisters present,

So I sit here wondering when my time will come, wondering
Who will be the one to manipulate my mind to work backwards

So I hope you can understand why
Sometimes I expect you to do your
Worst, while you continue to give me reasons to expect
Your best

P Julianna
P Julianna
Mar 17, 2014      Mar 18, 2014

You asked me how I would spend
My last twenty-four hours if they started
At this very moment

We talked late at night planning all the
Things we'd have to do, like camping
Or watching the sunset
But I was too afraid to admit that
I would only need to fall asleep
Next to you with your lips
pressed against mine, and I'd die happy

I got to thinking and realized come August,
We will all be spending our last twenty-four hours
Together in the summer sun, and then
College will take us far away to start our
Separate adventures out of this small town

Sitting in my bed late at night
I couldn't help but cry because if there's
Anything I'm more afraid of than death
It's being alone, and I can't take another year
Of starting over

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