Crawl inside my body
Find me
Where I'm most broken
And love me there

You've always been here for me,
But now you are about to leave.
I know we fuss and fight,
But I love you with all my might.

You are my big brother,
And there is no other.
No one can take your place,
And when you leave, there will be this big empty space.

We've never been really close,
But at least you have not always lived across the coast.
Because some big brothers do,
I'm really grateful for the 13 years I've lived with you.

I remember when I was small,
And I would always fall.
You were always there for me,
And I know you always will be.

You told me not to cry,
That it would be ok.
Even if I thought you lied,
It was like my big brother saved the day.

You've made me laugh, you've made me cry,
You've even helped me hide some lies.
I love you is something I don't tell you enough,
But I want you to know
When you leave it will be really tough.

I don't know how my life will be,
Without you here beside me.
You've lived with me for 13 years,
But now we're shedding our good-bye tears.

I know you have to move out,
And start a life of your own.
But promise me without a doubt,
You will never forget us back home.

Here on my arm lies a mark that I made.
When I was so low I cut with a blade
To punish my body for being a mess,
Though here is my testament, I must confess...

That seeing these scars left on my arms, legs and chest
Makes me realize I was in a place of no rest;
I feel guilty inside for leaving this token.
Now I will see and remember that I was so broken.

But seeing these scars helps me see
That I survived so much trauma and now I am free;
So I ask of you now to stand with me and fight,
To show all these demons what they're doing's not right,

You won the battle of good versus bad.
You are still alive and are no longer sad;
Here on my arm lies a mark of survival,
I got through my hate and beat my self-rival.

The moment you are about to quit

Is normally the moment near short of a miracle

I am not the problem.
My whole life was... IS a mess.
Continuously molested at 2-4 years old.
Taking care of her kids whom had become mine.
Making sure my mommy is not dead but passed out.
Babysat by my mom's multiple 'boyfriends'.
Taken to a new home full of yelling laughing older boys.
But I kept going!

At 5 I am welcomed into a great home where I finally open up to my grandma.
Spend a lot of time at their house and make cookies with my brothers and sisters.
Then I'm 8, getting older and finally growing into my ears.
But then my grandma has a brain tumor.
My world once again has come face to face with sadness.
But I keep going!

Then we decided to move to this big ole house out in the country.
I got my own cat and named him Garfield and I had so many friends.
And so did my parents..
Even my dad had a girl best friend, who had a husband
Who grabbed in between my legs when I was going to show him the house.
But you'll never going to guess what I am going to say.. I kept going.

Then at 15 I figured I wanted to know about my birth parents.
I sure did miss my dad, the only one who truly cared.
My adoptive parents were supportive but told me he wasn't my real father, he was the twins.
Torn.
My heart was torn.
Then they did even worse.
I was shown his obituary.
I struggled hard, but I kept going.

Still at 15 I started cutting,
I couldn't stop one night and there was blood everywhere.
I just didn't want to feel the pain.
But I knew it was wrong.
I got my mom, she took the razors.
I was put on meds.
I. Kept. Going.

At 16 I made close friends with a kid named Calen.
He was opinionated and strong headed.
He wasn't attractive but to me his thoughts were GOD.
He had never been kissed.
Last thing on his bucket list.
I checked it off, and he checked his life.
He killed himself two days after telling me not to forget him.

Still 16 I tried to **** myself.
I overdosed on over 400 pills.
I didn't even know what they were.
I didn't care what they were.
Because they were my way out.
He was my fault.
I ticked his last box, it was all my fault.
I tried to make it better but my little brother found me puking and my dad saw my ***** was right.
I was hospitalized and my meds were upped.
But I ******* kept going.

4 months later and I have downed my meds .
I am enlisting in the Navy.
The most important thing to realize in your life is, tragedies are not your fault.
They are the key.
Don't you realize other people have it worse?
I know it sounds harsh, but really if they can make it, I can make it.
You.
Yes you, can ******* make it.
Keep going.

"Those who believe, and those who are Jewish, and the Christians, and the Sabeans—any who believe in God and the Last Day, and act righteously—will have their reward with their Lord; they have nothing to fear, nor will they grieve."

This just shows from the Al- Baqarah that it isn't Muslims that are the problems, this just shows stupid people are. I mean you can't judge many by the actions by the few. I've seen people post many of times that Muslims aren't American, and should "go back to where they came from." Let me just throw a little fact out here; being a Muslim does not make you any less of an American than a Christian.While the Islamic religion has roots in the Middle East, if you were born in America, or you're naturalized citizen, you're an American. Period. A religion doesn't negate American citizenship.

Also, there are good and bad people in the world, no matter what religious umbrella they fall under. So yes, there are bad Muslims. However, there are also bad Christians. I can think of a few Christians right now that I definitely wouldn't categorize as "good." For the sake of their reputations, they will not be named, but I would love to give you some examples of what makes them a bad person.

Am I justifying the acts of terror that have occurred around the world? Absolutely not! As a matter of fact, I abhor it. However, I'm not going to let the actions of a few taint my view on the whole. I have met some pretty amazing people in my life, some of who are of Islamic faith. As a whole, we need to stop judging, and start loving one another in spite of our differences.

I knew a simple soldier boy
Who grinned at life in empty joy,
Slept soundly through the lonesome dark,
And whistled early with the lark.

In winter trenches, cowed and glum,
With lice and lack of ***,
He put a bullet through his brain.
No one spoke of him again.

You smug-faced crowds with kindling eye
Who cheer when soldier lads march by,
Sneak home and pray you'll never know
The hell where youth and laughter go.

She stood on the bridge
In silence and fear
For the demons of darkness
Had driven her here

They cut her heart
Right out of her chest
Making her believe
That the demons knew best

They were always there
Sometimes just out of sight
Waiting in the background
Till the time was right

These demons were destructive
Knocking down the life she knew
Hating everything about her
She hated herself too

These demons can't be seen
But they're far from fairy tales
They live inside your mind
Their evilness prevails

So on the bridge she stood
About to end the fight
Then she stopped and thought
I'll fight them one more night

Here you were
Here you came
And a love song
Showed up someway

Cuts on the surface
Cuts in the vein
Cuts on the the wrists
Its all the same pain

I have a paper heart
In which you will forever part

But see

This stupid heart of mine is in a rut
I try to reach but it turns to paper cuts

People don’t need water to drown
You need someone to always put you down, but in that case, I’ll get you a crown

I do want you to know I tried
I even held a smile while I cried and cried

While I’m in my pain fill hut
My fingers get sore from all these paper cuts

I write about you
All the time
I wish you'd read it
Just to see how much I care
But at the same time
I would be so terrified
That you
The one and only
My dream girl
My beautiful darling
Would deny me

Everyday around quarter past three,
You burst into the bathroom searching for me,
I get hidden from your mother while you are away,
Hidden, unused for most of the day,
I feel your anger as your hand grips me tight,
I'm the one & only thing that helps you sleep at night,
I live to put scars upon your wrist,
I leave my mark I'm proud of this,
I watch as the beautiful red blood pattern drips,
And runs off the ends of your fingertips,
What possesses humans to act like this,
To scream, cry & cut their wrists,
But for now my job is clear,
The reason that I was brought here,
To relieve the pain,
To sit by the window and watch the rain,
Up until around quarter past three,
When you burst into the bathroom searching for me...

Red were for the roses I left on your casket
Orange were for the tree we first kissed at
Yellow were the bruises that covered you head-to-toe
Green were the stains from the hem of your jeans
Blue were the color of your lips when we found you in the noose
Indigo was the night sky, the night you died
Violet was the bruise you wore around your neck

You dare tell me I don’t know how it feels to be low?
I could have saved my best friends life.
I could have saved my own.
I could have helped my sister.
I could have seen my dad before it was too late.
I could have tried make amends and not get beaten.
I could have saved my brothers bruisises for another day.
I could have done so much more
But instead I am here filled with guilt.
So don’t you dare ******* tell me I don’t know how it feels.

It'll be my grandest work,
My painting on the wall,
They'll come from all over,
To see my final fall..

Right Here
Right Now

I'm still here thinking
..Still here drinking
Trying to drown away my pain
With literally nothing left to gain

Right Here
Right Now

I'm still sitting here
Still sippin' my beer
Wondering when I get to hold you
Wondering when I get to be happy too..

Right Here
Right Now

I'm still here
Wondering when I can go there
My skin i'm still pinching
Wondering can I be the one lynching..

Because
Right Here
Right Now

I. Want. To. Die.

I went down to the river,
I sat down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.

There's a difference between suicide
And the mind to empathize
Please just close your eyes
Imagine soaring through the soulless skies

Scars on your soul..
Scars on the skin..
Some are too deep..
Some are within..
Some have a story..
Some are unwritten..
Some you can see..
But some are hidden..

It isn’t brave, and it isn’t clever,
to inflict pain on other people forever.
Life isn’t all about you.
Your life isn’t all about you.
That rope hangs your family too,
and those pills **** your friends.
The pain, hurt and upset
doesn’t stop when your life ends.
So please don’t do it.
Please just take a moment to think.
People will die with you
when you drink that deadly drink.
Don’t tell me I don’t understand.
Twice I tried and twice I bailed.
Twice I tried and twice I failed.
Don’t tell me I don’t understand.
I came through, and so can you.
Let that light at the end of the tunnel be a fresh start.
Don‘t let it be the glint of the blade that enters your heart.
Think about how many have died.
Think about how many have sat and cried.
Think again about your selfish suicide.

We all have a friend
Who's silver and shines
It pierces our skin
And draws the many red lines

It leaves several scars
Over the years
But it lets out our screams
As well as our fears

It gives us relief
We need the sensation
But we keep it a secret
We hate the attention

Those perfect red lines
They become such a burden
But we do it anyway
Because we're tired of hurting

Some call us ******
But we know they're all wrong
They all know what to be
We don't know where we belong

We hide the scars
Under jackets and sleeves
Our loved ones don't know
The cuts stay unseen

We try to act fine
So no one'll know
But sometimes we slip
And the cracks begin to show

She sat alone
Alone at home
Where her screams were silent
And her mind was violent
Her issues were so deep inside
They did eventually eat her alive
A single tear ran down her face
As her heart began to race
She took her blade and tore her skin
Where her depression lied within
This went on for days, months, years
Until she cried her last tears
She decided she had enough
The world as you  knew is just too tough
She put the gun to her head
Congratulations society,
She is dead.

Sometimes I tell myself I'm happy
Even though I'm not
To take away my pain
After all, it's the thought.

Sometimes I look at the stars and see my future.

I think I fell in love
With all this sky up above

As I sit here in Texas, Cedar Creek
It’s so hot, not even a leak

But all the people oh so friendly
The smiles they give are always free

Some likes the cowboys and some are longhorns
Texas is much different than the state of corn

They have Goodwill’s much bigger than you dream
With rows and rows of clothes, WITH  ATTATCHED SEAMS!

They have a Cowboy Church that welcome you in
Don’t fret or judge when you can’t make it back again

When they say everything is better in Texas
You should see what we eat for breakfast

I cannot wait to start a life here
Texas is now my home, with a Shelby always near.

Your memory comes flooding in tonight
Like a punch in the gut
I spent the day actually happy
I can't help but feel guilty
How could I be so happy
When you could be here
It was your choice I know
I still can't help but feel guilty
You tried to warn me
Screaming
Begging me to save you from your own mind
Thoughts
Self hate
Yet,
I walked away
...
I should have known
I can't help but feel guilty
That you could still be here
I wouldn't have tried myself
That maybe we could have been
Anything then we are now
And I can't help but feel guilty

It's 12:40 and I can't think
It's 12:40 and I can't speak

November 14, 2016
My friend committed suicide.
He left behind his newlyborn twins.
He left behind his mother, his friends.
I'd just talked to him the day before.
He laughed, we laughed.
12:45 p.m he was pronounced dead.

I have written a song for my friend.
He committed suicide.
Not so long ago.
April 27, 2017.
7:15 pm and he was pronounced dead.
I will forever miss him.
I had just talked to him.
He tried to warn me.

May 7, 2017.
I tried to **** myself.
Went into my bathroom.
Took over 400 ibuprofen.
Was in a coma.
My little brother found me vomiting.
He's nine..

How are these true stories funny?
How do people laugh and joke about it?
Knowing that it literally ruins people's lives?

How do we socially ignore it?
Why don't we at least try to help the problem?
Why don't we talk about the things that need to be discussed?

You can make a difference.

Yeah, YOU.

YOU can start it out.

Someone makes a "joke". Call em out.

Because everyone's worth it.
These people suffered and with people still using it
as a joke while their gone is unfair and disgusting.

But that's not it. THEIR worth it. But so are YOU.

For so long I've been in a real dark place

Hiding away from the things I couldn't face

Drowning in sadness, enveloped by gloom

Day after day I'd sit alone in my living room

Curtains stayed shut, my mind closed off too

Nowhere to be, nothing needed to do

Days and nights merged into one

Didn't know when one ended or when it begun

Not that it mattered, I didn't care

Wasn't as if I needed to be anywhere

People would come, I didn't answer the door

Eventually they didn't come anymore

Darkness and sadness had engulfed my soul

Depression had come and swallowed me whole

Being alive had stopped being a pleasure

Life was something I now didn't treasure

But slowly the dark clouds are shifting

The depression and sadness are lifting

Each day I feel able to do a little bit more

My heads getting clearer, my heart is a little less sore

Things are starting to look a little more bright

I'm half way down the tunnel.......and I'm seeing

Oh how at night it eats me

How you probably hold her the way you held me

How you treat her as you treated me

It's eating at me

How she is taking the place that should be me

How could you let her is really the question?

How could you forget me that easy?

Us girls, we get mad at the girls often to easily

But in this twisted reality. It's you. The boy I thought I loved.

You're the ****** up one

And soon

Everyone else will see

Millions** suffer everyday,
With depression anxiety addiction and compulsions
Therapy and drugs may calm the symptoms
But the root of the problems
Lie deep in one’s mind.

Suffocating each thought with torment and distress
A sick soul is what needs to be properly addressed
Take each thought captive and put it under arrest
Fill each negative thought with a positive
learn to rewire and undress.

Start with every second and watch how your thoughts will change
Bringing about better behaviors and complete healing to one’s brain
This plagues that so many have battled with for so long
Give it to God and change those old undertones

For we were born to live in great peace
Even if the world around us has constant grief
We are victorious when we start to believe His truth
Sever the ties to any trouble from your youth

No one escapes the tests in this life
But when we learn how to conquer
We can achieve all that’s ours
So start each day with a positive view
It never hurts to try something new.

Once upon a daylight rising, in a school, slowly despising,
On the test over sounds of tap tap taps of pencils by analyzing eyes--
While I was slowly dozing off, and I was gazing up at the clock,
As if my head was sounding, pounding a tick tick tock,
Tis some some test “I muttered,” tick tick tock
Oh this stubborn clock


I distinctly remember the days quite longer and our eyes no more stronger,
I sit while I ponder, ponder as my eyelids look to yonder--
While my eyes begin to close, the horrid sounds comes to impose,
My eyes drift to that clock as it sounds the same tick tick tock,
As it sounds the same tick tick tock
Oh this stubborn clock

I'm

so

tired

...

I’m feeling sleepy

It calls me closer, its calls me near
Death whispers in my ear
Irresistible is its sweet entice
Staring down, which one to slice,
I observe my previous tries
My unseen hurt and cries
No peace in my mind, no peace in my head
The quiet intelligent, long since fled
Anger and rage consumes me
My minds demons bursting to be free
The walls of my cage finally cave
"Just be you, just be ******* brave"
I slash down with a knife
"Forget this world, forget my life"
Blood oozes and drips down the drain
A slight tingle but no real pain
A calmness comes over me
My last attempt please, it's got to be
***** everyone, that's made me into this
The very same people who I'm going to ******* miss
Tears stream down my cheek,
My head feels heavy, I get dizzy and legs go weak
Then nothing.... Blankness, no sound
I feel my body drifting
I hear scraping, something's stirring around
Surrounding me, I can here creatures shifting
I hear a scream, I hear a moan
I want my family, I'm all alone
I hear a cry, I hear a sob
And realize it's my own  
No sound out my mouth, only in my mind
No one to help me, no one for me to find
I've never felt so scared....
My soul finally screamed in despair
I know i'm supposed to be a grown up
but
"I give up..."

Crimson red fills the bowl and I think I'm going to be sick.
With every thing spinning so fast I cannot breath.
Walls closing in and everything fades.
Fashes of light come by, one, by one.
Feeling sleepy not knowing my name.
There it is; my favorite thing of all this
Ah, the feeling of pain is gone from before the new form enters me.
Laying here waiting for you to come home.
I open my eyes and see flashes of you and I from before you went.
You walk inside.
You call to me and wait for an answer.  
I'm trying to look up at you but I can't move.
Blood running down.
I can hear you asking something.
But I can't make out the words.
You tell me its ok and we will get some help.

I can't believe you did this to me.
To my heart.
We talked and stayed up all night chatting.
At what point did you think we couldn't talk about it?
We had talked about it before.
You were writing a book, thinking of the future.
Why?
Your last words to me were "Don't forget me"
You grabbed my wrist.
That plays over and over in my mind.
I can't eat. I can't sleep. But I can't feel either.
Why?
Just why?
You knew this would hurt me.
I can't be that mad at you though.
I know I can't blame it on you,
What else am I supposed to do?
Why did you do it?
Make yourself die?
We could have talked it over and you know it..
Made it all right.
But I'm not mad. Just disappointed.
But.
Not when I had felt the same way.
Been there, had that, tried and done that.
But gosh **** it, I miss you.
My eyes are red and swollen as well,
I had cried myself to sleep since.
You were my friend. I told you everything.
We really did have so much in common.

You know the word that bothers me? Suicide. It's such a gross, angry, hateful, emotional, belittling, hurtful, saddening word. We brought it up in 'class' today. All I could think was about you. I ******* miss you. Then people started talking, laughing. "If I were a vegetable I would want to end my unpurposeful life too" "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". I just.. Do you even understand how broken I am? Can you feel it? I just want to end this.. all. Why is that so bad? Can't you hear me screaming. But when I do don't call it suicide. Call it something peaceful.. Tell them I just simply went home.

I sit in the park where I dwell
For this boy I love so well
He took my heart away from me
Now he wants to set me free

My father came home that night
He screamed so loud, left to right
He took his knife to cut me down
On my dress, a note was found

Dig me a grave, dig it deep
Dig my grave, from head to feet
And on top place a dove
Always remember I died for love.

Loving you is like being on fire
It’s like having a flat but not knowing how to change a tire
It’s like going on a car trip
Not knowing you get car sick
I just wish that you could understand
Maybe, you’re not ready to be my man
Maybe just maybe you’re still in a faze
Locking with other girls gazes
Maybe it’s possible you can’t be loyal
You grabbed my throat and shaped me as if I were foil
Do you even know what you’ve done
No you don’t, because your new life has only just begun

You know you're broken when
Laughter sounds like tears.
And you have so many dark fears.
When your smile doesn't reach your eyes.
And Your world is surrounded by lies.
When you have no need for life.
You stare and wonder at your knife.

You know you're broken when
You can't do anything right.
In your soul, there's no longer light.
When you can't be happy anymore.

What kind of paradise am I looking for,
When I’m rich in love, and wealth I am poor?

My mind is so ******* empty,
But I remain to be one of the friendly,
Acting as if there is nothing wrong,
But, really my arms are my way to play this sad song.

Hurry up and tear me up,
I’m slowly waiting for death….yup.