To realize, your malice intent,
and power hungry destruction of my
most hidden and vulnerable *****...

I am relieved to be free of your
vindictive and spiteful soul;
everything about you is abrasive,
brooding and angry, vicious and ugly

That person,  so gentle and endearing
is lost, I am not so sure he even exists,
just one of your many disorderly personas

And to think of my pain,
self-mutilating thoughts and attempts
to make sense of the shock
trying to free myself from your lock of
enamoring lies. I could feel the
end when we had just sprouted,
battling my intuition with a fawn dawn heart-
with you, I finally felt full after some empty time.

But upon reflection of your undeniable misogyny,
I thank you! I could not be more thankful for you exiting my life,
the confirmation of this delusion we called love,
I am so thankful I was tricked, you see,
without honesty, I could only give you so much, and
only that much, is what you could take away from me-

Leaving behind such vitality and adventurous expression,
Charm, wits and sentiment for living
the performer in me you never could accept,
Merely shaking the strength only a woman could have.

You could never break me, although you tried-
and in that I find pity, that you feel so small
You seek power in destroying a lover
like breaking a heart is a triumph,
You are no huntsman and I am not your doe
I refuse to be your object for show

Our father liked to play a game.
He would count each hawk
preying, circling above veiny tree lines
graying like shadows of industry.

There’s a redtail, he would say, look
at its proud chest and talons of mastery. Our
eyes searched for the creature, noses
pressed to cool glass and 65MPH speed.

Sometimes we’d catch the bird with two eyes, one eye
or none. Meanwhile, our father never took his eyes
off the road, fixed on painted yellow lines stretching
to heartlands down New York’s I-90 West.

With age my eyes became engaged, detecting
the slightest movement peripherally. Rods
in retinas distinguished plump plumes from leaflet
tufts, razor beaks from thorny stags, white breast from

billowing plastic bags. My sideways scan
of leafy fringe is an artifact of habit
when traveling down state roads of this infra-structured
nation. I search for evidence of its natural relation,

beyond all that is manufactured by the jelly-
spine of convenience, beyond wheels spinning
at deafening speed, beyond the grubby hands of greed.
Still, our connection to place is still here and Earthly,

coexisting in delicacy, like the hawk’s nested-blend
of twig and trash. I trust there is a chance for us yet,
despite cloudy puddles of progress, despite integrity
lost in capital gain, despite a forgotten native name.

I find the idea of you quite ticklish
like woolen mittens, itchy wrists
a poke, a ****
a reminder tireless.

I find simplicity to be at fault
for fiddling fantasies, like bad dreams
dizzy and liquified
not so, as it seems.

And through months of fleshly illness, in denial of feminine prowess,
I was held under a rock
by a love so callused:

I was smitten in the smog of your smile.

It was a pleasure to burn
standing over smoldering ash, watching
his face crisp on a glossy 4x6 print

I spit into a heap of blackened memories

I promised myself that this would be
the last piece of me
he would ever consume.
I swore to anyone who would listen, I was through with his twists and ties of lies.  

Yet, I was still tangled in
his grip; beset with spite, my mind muddled
through dark daydreams of revenge. A sudden flash
regained my consciousness as the barn’s worn wooden beam erupted into flames.

I knew I had to split
before I too, crisped into cinders.

to the one i have loved:
How do i put this eloquently?
how could my best friend, my baby,
cast me away so easily?
as if I meant nothing, all along
you smelled out my vulnerability and capitalized,
but your touch and kind words,
how could you fake them?
with such a serious vehemence
in which my intrigue grew to enamor?
I can't bring myself to admit the illusion,
the delusion,
but how else do you explain
the insignificance that brought me this pain?
you may be but i am not
stoic, i am full of nerves like a funny bone or sensitive tooth, and i wear them openly and freely,
you may see this as my weakness but it is my greatest strength,
to let myself feel what i may and know that those emotions are okay
to feel the world the way i see it and let people in

I know i made mistakes, i am human, am i not?
yet here is the delusion: did you expect me to be perfect? visions of a perfect love with understanding and support, tucked in the country side with a dog and someday a little boy or girl?
I had them too. Before you told me you could imagine a life with me.

and I took that to heart.

But never mind the past, it cannot be undone, although intense longing and plea for answers besets, i know this is for the best, i trust that you did me a favor in the long run. I am much too strong of a woman .

So my darling, goodnight and i wish you well
But i want you to know, just my sentient:
you will hold a piece of me no one had touched, even if i was your way of forgetting an even greater love,
i just wish that love could have been me.

Sometimes,
I wish that when my
break cable snapped,
(you know, the one you fixed for me with your falsetto expertise)
in a downpour of slashing rain,
I skid through the stale green light, turning red, like the leaves now on the trees.

I would be unable to stop, because of your spite
(you had it out for me all along)

I can picture it,
slow motion and horror,
gliding across pavement
until I become a physics problem:

"If Sally is riding her bicycle at a velocity of _, and a vehicle strikes her at a speed of _,  
how far will she fly through the air until splatting like an egg?"

I would feel satisfied
as you hung from a noose of guilt
just as you indulge in the power
of squandering the love city we built.

my hair is smoked with diner eggs and bacon
because I was lucky enough to eat this morning
using the change I found in my pocket.

I have plenty of change on me
some of which I used to purchase
beautifying products
to conceal my blemishes-
imperfections that seem so trivial now

I am ashamed
passing by the Cherry Street Coin Begger
eyes casted in different directions, sitting upon a thrifted walker

it seems my compassion is faltering,
maybe it is these salt stained streets or self diagnoses or
layers of grime surfacing under melted snow

but her and I are no different,
trying to avoid the same soot puddles
like land mines hidden
under sidewalks of putty

I will not
give you the satisfaction of my smile
Because I know
my energy, you do not deserve
I am protected
by the unearthly vibrations of my being
And I promise
I am left unshaken by your soullessness

Which way's up
which way's down
what to do with this new Love I've found-
but not that pound-pound heart kind of love
it's just gotta be that sense of
it's gonna be alright
the sun's ashining and I think I just might...

spread these lips into an undeniable grin
radiating the sincerity within
true, we've long been stretched thin
but we're young, we're risky
and the happiest we've ever been

I found a bobbypin in your bed
(but your best friend's in my head)
Usually I'd care
(but I dont pin my hair)

I guess I've given up my pride, in you I confide.
Before you, an avalanche,
broke every branch,
on its way down.

He couldn't see the human in me,
the vulnerability.
My heart was afraid, in the snow
where I laid, looking at the mess I made.

I guess I've lost my sense of doubt, with you about.
When you're near, I find dry land,
you seem to understand,
my wide-eyed heart.

You can see the human in me,
the vulnerability.
My heart had been swayed, in the sand
where we laid, steeping in the love we made.

I know you will be my home, wherever we go.
Together, we will climb,
the tallest of pines,
just to see the sky.

I can see the human in me,
the vulnerability.
My heart I will share, unconditional and bare
relishing in a love so rare.

there's a hawk in the sky
and i'm wondering what
he's doing here
with all that freedom

this is no place for him,
with the rooftops of grey
he's got to be
going hungry

There's a fish in the sea
with arms and with legs
he ain't got no coins
so from me he begs

this is no place for him
with scales that don't shine
he'd rather be
drinkin' red wine

there's a rock in my shoe
who once was a cliff
when I asked him for proof
we got in a tiff

this is no place for him
with laces that tie
he'd rather be
dust to live by

there's a ******* the street
with more than two eyes
she feels more than she sees
that's why she cries

this is no place for her
with souls who are blind
she's got to flee
from such thoughtless grind

today i saw myself as a crepe myrtle blossom

bursting magenta, dripping with life

so full and juicy and lotus-eating

demanding of attention

not only for an earthly beauty,
but for the allure of aliveness

how could i ever feel contempt for a body like this?

so i promise myself-
next time the comparison monsters of my mind try to take control

i will remember myself as a crepe myrtle blossom