I'm not really sure if I feel huge or small
Someone asked me if I was suicidal
I said no
But if I was walking across the street and a car was coming towards me
I don't think I would move
If someone held a gun to my head
I wouldn't beg for my life
I might just laugh and say pull the trigger
And with everything that's happened I guess I'm a little bitter
My hands don't seem to work anymore
I wake up and my head is sore
I reach for a bottle because liquor makes my veins thicker
I reach for a knife because thicker veins bring a little more extra pain
Promises were made
I want to quit my job and run away
But society wants you to feel ashamed if you're not getting paid
Honestly my head is just not in the game
I'm actually very scared
I could really use a wish or a prayer
Maybe even divine intervention
Maybe this is all a lesson
I don't know if I'm weak or strong
I'm at the edge of the cliff hanging by my fingertips
I've been hanging for so long
I think it's do or die
Maybe even tonight
I'm not suicidal
But if I had the opportunity to die I might just take it
Which is sad
So many lives have been taken
And I'm just throwing away my only chance

I stare at a blank piece of paper
And wait for my mind to go numb
I find it hard to believe that my fresh start is in my reach
I'm moving up in life
No one ever thought that was possible
I've reached the top of my metaphorical mountain
One more step I'll plummet to the bottom
The view is nice from up here
Calm and peaceful
My voyage was not easy
But then again I don't think life would be worth it if it was easy
Blessings are everywhere as long as you keep your head level with your heart
I don't like to think people are beneath me
We all began at the same start
It's where we finish that matters
I use to think I was useless without her
I won't give a name
It would take away from the mystery
But would give away the answer to my history
And if I were to say
Would it reveal anything
Or leave you even more blind
The pain is real
I wonder if I drink as much as you do
My pain would drown in the toxic waters
I won't try again though
That would be too easy for you
I think I want to see the world
At least the beautiful parts
So I guess that means the whole world
I used to think everything was in black and white before there was color TV
Some parts of my life are in black and white
Without color they seem to drag on until I eventually forget them
My childhood must of been in black and white
I don't remember any of it
I hope there is a good reason for that
I'm looking at a clock and part of me thinks time is an illusion
Can we really actually measure it
Or do we just give our best guess
And are yawns actually contagious
Or do we just notice someone doing it and then realize how tired we actually are
Because even though we've somehow measured time
No one ever has enough


I now stare at this paper full of words and wonder if anything I ever say makes sense

To tell you the truth
I've run out of things to say
Each dawn brings a new day
Trying to unlock my secrets
That I hid from myself
Secrets only God could unfold
Trying to make wishes into reality
I want something I can hold
But I was told wishes are for suckers
There is no dreaming in this world
Hope is for the weak
The strong just do
And I tried my best to live up to you
Somethings just can't be done
Somethings just can't be won
But I still dream
Dream of a better life
Try to make those dreams into reality
I want something more in this life

I feel like a balloon that just lost its air
I'm left expanded with no real purpose
Nothing tying me down
Nothing inside me
I feel like an almost completed puzzle
If I just had a few more pieces I could be whole
But I'm missing just enough to not know what I'm looking at
Feeling like people can see that I'm not really all there
I feel like an empty can left on the street
Being kicked around with no sense of stability
At any moment something could come along and crush me
At any moment the walls could cave in
I feel as if my identity has left my body
Everything that makes me who I am has vanished
No one understands it
I feel like a magician who doesn't even know the result of my trick
I made myself disappear
Everyone is left confused
And I don't even know where I ended up

I'm afraid to move on from you
I'm afraid that love has come and gone and now it will never come back
If I sit here and hold onto your words then it's like you never left me
1 stupid month feels like an eternity
And why is it that now that you are gone I am finally able to appreciate you
I'm stuck here holding our memories in my hands and I can't let go
I can't drop you
You who were so unbelievably everything that I ever wanted
You who were so unexpected which makes everything so precious
Why did you do this to me?
Why did you do this to your family?
Why would you take it all away without letting me know?
You promised me that if you were leaving you would say something
Don't act like I didn't spend my birthday talking you down off the edge
Don't act like I didn't beg you to stay here even though being here was hell for you
I'm sorry I couldn't love you
We talked about our future like we weren't young and dumb
Like we were grown or something
We talked about our future like we both still weren't stuck in the past
And I don't know if you thought this way too but
Even when we weren't together I could never let go of you
I don't know what that says about me
If somehow you see me writing this please know that my unhappiness was never because of you
If anything it was because of me
If somehow you see me writing this
This was everything I couldn't say
Everything that held me back from fully loving you
And maybe if I had just let go of my past
You would still be apart of my present and possibly my future
I'm typing this on my phone and after I typed future, the word wife popped up
Its funny because we talked about getting married
And it's sad because we talked about getting married
Maybe if I was able to say all of this sooner
These words could have stopped you
I wish I could have stopped you
Did anyone try to stop you?

I am a daughter a sister and a lover but a fighter when needed

I take what I can get but never give up hope that I may one day get more

I am a hopeless romantic and not afraid to admit it I am lost in a sea of dreams and not sure which way I should swim

People say I fall in love to quickly but maybe they don't fall fast enough

I am stubborn and doubtful I try not give into temptations or peer pressure

I am wild and crazy, loud and at times immature I am not afraid to say how I feel but then hesitate to make sure I don't hurt people

I am a friend I am overprotective and can go a little insane I try my best to make the ones I love happy I never fail to intertwine my dreams and my reality So I can one day say I achieved far beyond what was thought of me

I am an artist an athlete and a comedian I write how I feel, play to win and make others smile

I am gay but I don't let it define me I accept it I am proud of it

I am a one track mind with an old soul I am curly hair green eyes and talent that flows threw my bones

I try to be myself at all times I am a dreamer a believer and most of all I am an achiever Hoping that one day I find my place in this world and if I get lost I won't hesitate to stop and ask for directions

I am not afraid to chase my dreams even if they take me to the unknown I am more then what is shown on the outside I am more then you know

If I could I would pocket the sun
Wrap it up and bring you your own piece of bliss
Take the moon in all its forms
So you could keep a close eye on all the beautiful things
Just so you could know that the universe is at your fingertips

You came out of nowhere
You came darting through my blind spot
You definitely caught me off guard
Talking turned into flirting
Flirting turned into I like you
I like you turned into I love you
How did we get there
How did everything fall apart
You said I hurt you
I know I did
My feelings were unclear and I dragged your heart around like it was a rag doll
I understand what I did, believe me
I used to stay awake at night with pains in my chest
It felt like knives but I knew I deserved it
You were crazy
You still are crazy
But I can't say that I was completely sane
And I did love you
But I wasn't ready for the love that you wanted to give me
Now we are on opposite sides of the playing field
You hate me
You wanted to die because of me... well and other people
You thought I was your saviour
I just wanted you to be healthy
Now you text and call my phone explaining how worthless I am
And how much you hate me
You talk about my insecurities like they are yours to tell
I trust you with my secrets and you play them like your favorite song on repeat
You try to get to me
I'm sorry for what I did
I hope you can forgive me
Forgive me so you can focus on yourself
I don't hate you
But I can't save you

How can we communicate
Without dominating the wavelengths
From past dates
I don't even think you get it
Why fall in love when you know you are not into it
Everything I say I try to make legitimate
I'm done with love, you know I'm not having it
Why do I give myself to the people who don't deserve me
Or give chances to the ones who will only hurt me
I give out more than I take in
When will I learn
When will I earn back everything that was taken
I try to walk away but somehow I'm motionless
Every shot I take is seriously just hit or miss
And when I look at you I understand the feeling of a first kiss
But now I see what it means to be heartless
Why do I show warmth when the world is so cold
Or never listen to the advice that I am told
Believe me life is scary
Especially after you jump when you know you can't see
I've realized that it's not you
It's me
I pick the ones that do this to me
I choose her instead of choosing me
And now I see why it's not working out
When you are just like the other one who left me broken down
So here I am at a stand still
Dumping my feelings into a landfill
Don't make the same mistakes twice
I could blame you
Hate you
Degrade you
But all I can do is own up
Face the truth
You're not the one for me and I'm not the one for you

Fight or flight
Flight becomes my instinct
Especially when others want to fight
I take it in
And hold it there until my face turns purple
And my feelings become eternal
You have something against me
Your hatred runs deeper than any pool of water
And I'm drowning now
People are trying to pull me out
But my roots have set in
In this state of mind that somehow is disguised
I bet you feel pretty sneaky
Secret notes and posts
Thinking you are untouchable
Some all powerful being
Who ***** with my emotions and leaves me bleeding
What more do you want
You got the attention from the ones I love
If you reveal yourself
They will mess you up
I'll be leaving soon
And what you've said and done
Will no longer matter
I'll be gone
Come find me dude
Your ignorance is becoming my fire
You won't be anonymous for long

Sun rays
Through my window pane
I'm not myself today
I'm not myself today

I take a breath in and it feels like my last
So I draw another one and let it fill up my chest
I'm hiding away
No one will see me today
I pull out my blade
It's the only outlet for my pain
I write suicide notes
In trying to sink but I float
I'm sprawled out all over the floor
There's blood all over my clothes

I'm not myself today
I'm not myself today

I sit in the car that's taking us on our next adventure and I can't help but look over and smile at you
Everything unfolds so quickly
Everything unravels before you expect it to
And we will never have enough time
But someone like you is truly a 1 in a million find
And we can sing songs that take us back to a time when we didn't know each other
We can hop around from state to state never really having a set destination
Get stuck in stand still traffic for hours
Or we can simply just play guitar late at night
I always thought soulmates where people you fell in love with
Someone you married and spent eternity with
I'm coming to the realization that it's the person you tell everything to
The one who sees your drunk mind turn in circles
The one who knows exactly what you like on your pizza
And knows that you only drink coffee when it doesn't taste like coffee
The person who knows all the songs on your playlist
Your soul mate is the one who calls late at night because they just miss you
The one who couldn't see a world without the other
The one who knows how precious time is and just wants your company
And I know you worry about me but I would never leave you stranded
Life can be so messed up and sometimes I can't stand it
But when I think about our friendship I can't imagine it going differently
We've been to 11 states together
Seen mountains and deserts
Wandered streets and been in rivers together
And even when life made us cold
We never let go of our time
And I know how you see yourself
I know the look on your face when thoughts roam around your brain
I know you are not naive
And I know fate is questionable
But we were once 1,000 miles away
Complete strangers
Trying to find something to hold onto
Trying to keep our feet from lifting off the ground
And I know you look for a gut feeling
Something inside that makes all the pieces fit together
I just want you to know
That fate can be deciding to get out of bed to pack your bag
Fate can be leaving school despite your better judgment
Fate can be running to catch the campus tour
And almost being late because someone just had to wear a pineapple hat
Fate can be choosing the pineapple hat out of dozens
Despite every decision we've made as friends and as strangers
Something brought us together
And somehow I was lucky enough to find my soul mate in the midst of confusion and devastation
And even though we may have limited time together
Nothing would ever make me want to change our fate

Every time I write a poem it ends up being about you
And that worries me
There will come a time when you are no longer in my life for what ever reason
And then what will I write about
Will I write about the emptiness
The void
Will my imagery lack beauty because I won't be describing your smile
Will it lack light because your eyes won't be mentioned
Will I no longer find meaning in love or pain
And I see you in the oceans and the mountains
In morning coffee and late night bonfires
I write about pain
And the way you diminished it
The subtle way you would frustrate me and make laugh simultaneously
And I know I drive you crazy
Lacking understanding of my own abilities
Not grasping my actions and how they affect things
But you're the only thing worth having
I write about you because I want to feel alive and you are life encapsulated into perfect moments
I'm more afraid if I stop writing about you
Nothing has brought me more joy than being in your presence
You make me want to grow
I'm stubborn and slow but I'm changing
This started out as fear and now I find myself forming the strength to turn it into hope
And that's all you

She reminds you of a tiny flame. You look at her and she's small and beautiful and luminous. And in the back of your mind you know she is equally both dangerous and weak. One wrong word or action and she can diminish into nothing but smoke. But if she catches something that makes her feel alive she grows too quickly even for herself to handle. And while you stare into the glow of her soul. Feel the warmth of her body. She begins to burn down everything you hold dear. And you should have seen it coming. You should have paid more attention but that little flame flickered and danced around and you couldn't help but still see it as small and beautiful. And once she absorbed all she needed from you to survive, she vanished. Leaving you in piles of ash and rubble. You saw her as a small flame and she saw you as everything she needed to grow into a fire. Now you carry around buckets of water throwing them at everyone you see. Hoping they won't engulf you into their destruction while you rebuild yourself.

Here I am
At more of a stand still
Than an uphill
Battle of will
I have an ill mind
And I find it hard to not base my life around time
So all I can really do is redirect the way my brain falls in line
I have this shrine of God in my head
But it has nothing to do with religion or my need for saving
I walk below the ground because I'm close to caving
Nothing really is what it seems so I look to dreams more often than reality
In this day and age how can anyone really be satisfied
Just thinking about my future has my anxiety amplified
You really are my comfort zone
Anything outside of what I can say to you is far from being known
I'm in a stage of life that has loads of temporary people
Most of them think they mean something to me
But we're not even on the same playing field
Sometimes I get stopped in my tracks and I'm forced to yield
But I can't help that my mouth works faster than my brain sometimes
My handwriting is sloppy because my hands shake when I'm under pressure
My mind wanders off to my next adventure
If only I could control my stutter
But time is an illusion and we are all going under
I randomly feel my heart in my chest when it's out of rhythm
Maybe I'll go back to the doctor
I locked her out of my veins because dark thoughts can seep through my blood and up to my brain
I've trained myself to feel numb now
This is all off the record
But in Denver I was going to walk into a busy road
At 2a.m. roads should not be busy
Don't people sleep anymore?
I'm definitely torn between living mainstream and living totally free
Because I think society is trying to mold us all into wannabes
I think there's a flaw in my code
I'm more of a social norm stereotype gone rogue
Because I believe in multiple interests and not having a consistent mailing address
Life is a mess
But the good kind
Definitely the good kind

I want to write something for you
But sometimes I feel my words don't do anyone justice
I want to connect with you
But connection for the sake of connection seems unrealistic
But there's nothing unrealistic about the way someone feels
I see you
And you are looking at me
I want to know what you are thinking
But knowing the truth can be a double edged sword
I would take that pain from you
I could endure

I want to look into your eyes
For more than a second
Because making eye contact and then turning away
Doesn't bring me any less pain
And if we could just look
Maybe we would fall in love
And if we found each other
If we found the missing piece
We could both agree to disagree
But life isn't always that easy
So just look at me

I want to show you this
Your feelings might be hit or miss
But I want you to see
Seeing is believing
So believe me when I say
You were the only thing on my mind today
I know its real
When I can write about someone
You aren't just anyone
But being someone to someone can backfire
I can handle being your target for awhile

Friendship is like the glue that holds  a cracked vase together
You know that you will never be perfect again
But that glue will always remain
And in times of need
Friendship is the sun that warms you up
Lifts you up
Keeps the clouds away
And when the bond is strong
Drama nor distance can rip it apart
Strong today
Strong from the start
And when you've hit a bump in the road
Friendship is your tow truck
They always say lift your head up
And at the end of the day you can look back at all the pain
Realize where you are now and smile it away
Friendship is that smile on your face
So appreciate it everyday

It is Thanksgiving, 2012
I'm standing in my grandmother's kitchen
The kitchen I grew up in
Where I did my homework
Ate my snacks
Sat and listened to the adults tell stories using names I couldn't put faces to
I'm standing on the outskirts
Because I know that what I'm about to say will soon make me an outsider
I wait for a moment of silence between my aunts and uncles
Silence has never been so deafening to me before
I clear my throat and mutter
"I have something to tell everyone"
They all look at me except my grandma who keeps her back to me
"I'm gay"
They stare with eyes of confusion
Glances that have only seen a Catholic lifestyle
And why is it that people have to make you feel like it's not okay to be who you are
When growing up we are taught how to make friends by being ourselves
And why is it that all of my straight cousins don't have to tell the family about their sexuality
But here I am condemning myself to the family that has only ever known 1 thing
Perfection
I almost wish that I had stopped myself
That I had stayed this quiet little girl for a little longer
That I obeyed my family and the church and all the people who saw me as wrong
It's hard growing up Catholic
When everything is about tradition
And you are too afraid to question what you were taught
Because they teach you to be scared of sin
I am ******* terrified of sin
Terrified of my own sexuality
My own way of loving someone
It is 2016
And we don't talk about it
Because talking would mean acknowledging the fact that I might not be perfect
That I might be a little different
My grandma likes to brag about her grandkids
Except me
And I don't bring it up because she raised me
And I'm realizing that she only talks about the things she is proud of
"She's going through a faze"
"Your grandma is trying to accept you"
"Jackie cover up your tattoos"
"Don't tell anyone you're gay"
Jackie be normal
Jackie be straight
Jackie be anything other than who you are
Please so I can be proud of you
I sit in my silence and it becomes my new home
Catholics are raised to follow tradition
Our paths are formed the minute we are born
We do not stray
We do not question
I cover up my tattoos so my grandma doesn't get upset
I cover up my sexuality so my grandma doesn't get upset
I cover up myself because tradition is more important than creating my own
And that makes me upset

I hope she sees herself the way I see her
Because I see an amazing woman who has overcome everything
And she doesn't always believe it but she is my everything
I could never be content with anyone else
She lifts me up and helps me see the light
I would fight till I die just to make her mine forever
And if I get the chance to be her forever I swear I will not disappoint
I was always told that good things come to those who wait and all I've ever done is wait
And now she is here and it's real
I would watch movies about great love stories and think that they were full of ****
But now I have my own
How did I go from having nothing to quickly having my whole world right next to me
She is the greatest piece of this universe that I could ever find
I tell her everyday that I'm her's forever
And even after forever I'm still her's
I look at her and the world around me quickly fades into a blur and she is the only clear thing
The only thing that makes total sense in a life that is constantly changing
And when I doubt myself she comes in full force with reassurance and a smile
Because she knows confidence doesn't come easy and we've both been down that road
How can I even explain her properly
She is like walking into the sunlight after being trapped in the shade
She is a night sky full of stars without anything to block it's breathtaking beauty
She is the voice in my head telling me to keep going
She is the finish line after every race I have to run
The winning shot at the buzzer and the crowd cheers but I am the lucky one
The one who gets to look over and know that she is all I want
And how could someone ever ask for more when you are given nothing but perfection
Being happy with you is like finding a golden ticket
You never think it will happen but when it does, it changes your life forever.
I found my golden ticket
My one true love
Amberlyn Walsh

Right now my world has stopped
Everything that kept me standing has somehow dropped
I gave my heart and now it's lost
I'm trying to understand
If you can't be with me at least pretend
I've lost control
Had my foot on the gas but fell asleep at the wheel
I've crashed
I'm not sure I can be saved
When you walked into my life I found my saving grace
Now I'm stuck surrounded by a dark haze
I won't be okay
In the beginning I was scared
And you reassured me
But now look who's running
I wish I could hate you
But when I close my eyes or look at the sky all I think about is how much I want to be next to you
Please figure out what you need
Please let that be me
I can't believe I'm still breathing
This life without you has no meaning
I'm not trying to make you feel bad
But let's face it I'm sad
I punched a wall so I don't cut
But who gives a ****, so what?
Please come back to me
I only have half of me
Like I said you have my heart
But you went and ripped it apart

It's nights like this when I just wanna die
One strike away from suicide
I reach out and get set off to the side
No one knows what goes on in my mind

Dear no one
Because no one answered me
Dear no one
Because I'm wide awake while you are fast asleep
Dear no one
There's nothing left of me

And when I die
Don't come so you can cry
Don't fall to your knees
Or beg or plead

Because you were not there for me

People will say that it's not your fault
They will say that you can't save everyone
And although you nod your head in agreement
You can feel the guilt slowly start to eat away at you
It begins to pick apart your bones and peel away at your skin
And no one will understand that
No one will comprehend the tone of your voice when you tell them how hard you tried
No one will grasp how quickly you fell to the floor as your world imploded
People will say that you just need time
They will say that you need to forgive yourself
But all time does is give you more opportunities to replay your 2 years together
Forgiveness will only make you feel more guilty about leaving when all she ever did was stay
And you can't tell me that I didn't play some kind of role
If you knew her as well as I did, you would know that her whole existence was based around the ones she loved
And all she did was watch one by one
Each of them walking away from her
Until all that she had left was her heartbeat
But even then, a heart can give out
I will never forgive myself for giving out
One heart alone can be strong
But two hearts together
That's invincibility

I don't know if you see me
Or if you would even want to
I don't know if you could forgive me
But I have to let you go
I let my guilt take over the fact that I wasn't there for you
Which made me believe I was the reason you made such a drastic decision
Even though you never believed it
I do love you whole heartedly
My feelings just could never be expressed the way you wanted them to be
And I wasn't the perfect girlfriend but I seemed to be perfect for you
If that doesn't show your character then I don't know what will
Everything happened so quickly and it kills me that I have this great life without you
Don't think of this as my goodbye because I know I will see you soon
But right now my life is on pause because I lost you
So if I ever loved you
I have to let you go
Even though by doing that I let go of my heart and soul

My habits always happen to follow me
Crossing rivers
Climbing trees
Always inside my dreams
And just when I think I'm free
They turn a corner and end up right next to me
They scare me
They don't know how much control they have yet
But each relapse is massive
The casualties will surely be greater than one
Because I know I've left parts of me with everyone
I'm sorry for causing that kind of pain
I know it never goes away
My will power slowly decays
And I just continue to play in a corner
Hiding behind my humor as my armor
Walking farther from the truth
It's true I'm not very brave
Despite what people might say
Believe me, trees sway in the wind
I fall back on my habits
They keep me sane
Which doesn't make sense because they destroy my brain
And the way I behave
But I do them anyways
And I am a ticking time bomb
I fall in love and add more minutes then they walk away and I'm left standing in my pre-dug grave
What do I say
What do I do to convince myself that I just might be worth it
And that my birth wasn't some big mistake
Mistakes can be great you know
My habits don't want me to know that
I hold back
Two months, what kind of progress is that
Why can't I just clean when I'm upset
Why can't I just stay clean despite what my dad says
And his words leave me restless
No one can win in his mess
My habits feed off of his every breath
He is just mean
Triggers are everything
Triggers leave a big mess to clean

I am my own worst enemy
At times I only see what my demons see
And when it gets hard to breathe
I think about my body six feet deep
And I'm just being honest
Half my life I sliced my skin just so I could feel inside myself
Now you know I needed help
There are no hard feelings
But these are my hard feelings
Remember when I lost that weight?
You all thought I looked so great...
I think my mom only loved the space I filled
Now she doesn't even love that
Sometimes I just can't connect
Why are these feelings harder to express?
There are no hard feelings
But these are my hard feelings

I am a haunted house
Things have died inside me and refuse to leave
They hold onto my bones for stability
And make homes inside my rib cages
The only way out is through my mind
And that's the hardest place to escape

I'm going to have a break down
Right now
In the clouds
My heart is broken
I've spoken enough
This is too rough
I see you with him
And I just want to quit
You don't see that it kills me
When you hold him
And we're just friends
Growing pains
Keeping me awake
And if my heartbreak is pain
Well then its definitely growing
But I can't show how I'm feeling
I just have to keep bleeding
On the inside
My insides are depleting
You give everything meaning
And I'm seeing clearly now
I don't need to be found
I'm safe right where I am
I can stand on my own two feet
I'm no longer deep in heartbreak
This heartbreak helped me right this today
I can see you smile
And not feel pain
And I won't make that mistake
Of feeling love
When I know it will go to waste
I need to give my heart a break
So my heart won't break
I need space
From everybody
I need to take a step back
Forget what I don't have
She may be perfect to my eyes
But I am used to them telling me lies

I let the smoke fill my dim lit room
Too afraid to address how I feel
Too afraid to be used
Out of body
Sometimes it's like I don't have anybody
Why do I need the smoke when I start to feel kind of funny?
And why do you love me?
I'm losing sight of what I'm writing
Why do I bite my tongue?
Why do I choose to go silent?
Here comes the silence
My mind feels altered
Sometimes it feels so good when I start to go under
I miss my colors
Wish I was brighter
Probably should have been loved more as a child
Here comes the silence

She sat across the room from me
Pondering about her life and lost love
I sat there smiling
Because I had found mine
We were only 16
And had nothing figured out
She had given up
But I continued to fight
I wanted her
She was searching for light
And as we sat across from each other
I desperately needed her eyes
Desperately searched for her love
But never found it
And I became stuck between self pity and heartache
And out of the blue
She found love

I've started forming my own army
I've killed myself 6 times in my head already
But I'm actionless
Unemotional
I go through the motions
Holding my hands together
Rocking back and forth
Distorting my senses and breaking from barriers
My fingers dangling my fears like puppets
And I can't control them
My mind cutting the strings loose unleashing my insecurities
I'm reaching for greater meaning but successfully being defeated
And all my hopes and dreams are just waiting to be achieved
The only problem is me
My body says move but my brain says I'm tired
Unmotivated
Scared
Ashamed
Not good enough
I have people in my ear telling me to give it up
So if I jump I might not make it
It's a long way down and I can't fake my way around
I'm only 19 and I can't picture my life 10 years from now
I'm stuck between what's expected of me and what I want for myself
I'm stuck between a decent job and my dreams
And my parents don't see it but every second spent here just makes it harder to breathe
Life outside of where I am now is what I see for me
But the way my mind is wired, I'm just one big ticking time bomb
Fading in and out of reality and make believe
Never having stability because it scares me
And honestly I'm one bad decision away from my own place in the ground and soul in the sky
I don't want to hurt anyone but I always thought I would die at the hands of my demons
Hitting 18 was a big moment for me
Hitting 19 was just lucky
20 in 3 months and I'm just keeping my eyes closed
Holding my breath
This world will ******* up and you just never know
I made a promise
**** I made a hundred promises
And sometimes you just let people down

And once again
I find myself holding onto your last words
As if it's a rope
If I let go
I plummet to the ground
My heart and soul would splatter all over the windows
I looked through them as if I was I looking at you
I pray that God took you in and gave you a home
The home that you searched for
The home that we talked about
The home that would welcome and accept you
The home that you would one day let me into
I tell myself that if I just close my eyes every night
One night will come when I do not open them
Which is why I still choose to go to sleep
Two months has passed and it doesn't even feel like a week
How am I supposed to live the rest of my life
I walk around this house wishing you were here to make it a home
These stairs creak as if they are missing pieces of their being
I creak inside because I'm missing pieces of my being
The pieces that had your name on them
The pieces that I wrapped up and specially gave to you
The pieces that held me together
The pieces that are no longer there
Ah man what am I even doing?
What am I even saying?
My heart and my brain are on opposite sides of the spectrum
My heart holds onto you like my last living breath
My brain pushes you away like you were never really mine
But you're dead
And I can't say that out loud
It pierces my ears and makes my bones shake
I want to say it out loud
If I do then it all becomes real
If I do then I know I will finally believe it
I just can't say it
That would mean giving up on you

I'm walking away from you
With all the scars from what you put me through
Told myself I would never fall for you
But yet I did

Now look at us
Spitting images of our parents
No trust
Told you it would never be like that
We weren't our parents
We were us

Our love was strong
Even though the miles seperated us
We got through it all
Pushed aside our fears
And jumped

But we let insecurites run our lives
Listened to every rumor
Every lie
We just couldn't hold on
Like our parents
Not as strong
As we wanted to be

Now we are both free
But still see our parents
Horrible history

Now that's us
But we tried so hard
To not fall into that catagory

I didn't choose this
I didn't want this
Sometimes we're dealt bad cards
And we have to live with it
Hated for being me
Judged for being me
And all those people, they don't really see
What it takes to say those words
Two little words
With the biggest meaning
I'm gay
Hooray
Look at me I did it
Now I really have to live with it
Whispers in the halls
Prank phone calls
Very mature guys
Watch as another kid takes their life
"It was a joke"
That's the biggest lie
You could have stopped it
Instead you stood there and watched it
Now who's laughing
Yea no one
Now its all your fault
And you'll have to live with it
No more prank phone calls
No more jokes
No more put downs
All because of a few little words
Do you understand now
Two little words
The difference between life and death
This is me
I didn't choose this
I didn't want this
But it's a new day
And I can't change the fact that
**I am gay

People everyday experience hate
Others will never fully understand our pain
And all we want to do is dance in the rain
Like others do
But how am I supposed to react
When someone I don't know
Tries to fight back
Sticks and stones
Even though those words hurt just as bad
And you try so hard to be yourself
But people can never be fully satisfied unless you're someone else
And I didn't even do anything to you
But you felt the need to make a statement
Growing up I was taught to love everyone
But people like you make me want to run
Hatred is a result of what society has put upon us
"Everybody needs to be perfect"
But its still not enough
And what if in my eyes I'm ok
But you have to beat me down until I'm silent
I will never be someone else
Call me ******
Or call me something else
But in my eyes I am beautiful
And you are nothing more then a single lonely pathetic voice
Trying to state an opinion
An opinion that no one wants to hear
An opinion that will make everyone around you turn their backs and close their ears

I believe in love
I believe in second chances
I believe in people
And God

I believe in sunsets on cold nights and walks along the coast
I believe in giving back
I believe in hope
And wisdom

I believe in spaghetti on Christmas
I believe in Taco Tuesday
I believe in grilled cheese when I'm intoxicated
And playing ultimate frisbee even though it's given me two concussions

I believe in soulmates
I believe in true love
I believe in love at first sight
And a broken heart being the worst pain imaginable

I believe in you
I believe in me
I believe in our ability to create a better understanding of each other
And sarcastic conversations over the phone

I believe in everything I've experienced
I believe in pain
I believe in frustration
But more importantly I believe in the potential to define all odds

And to fly even when the world is fighting to keep you grounded

I don't want to change my ways
My ways got me here today
Today could be my final day to achieve all my dreams
Dreaming of a world where dreams are not necessary
Seeing is not believing
And I believe you have stolen too much from me
I walk through life
With my head in the clouds
Refusing to come down
Reality is not as fun as my imagination
My creation
Of what my life should be
And trust me
You are not in it
If I wanted a nightmare I would put you in it
Why pay attention
When my attention is in a different direction
Losing all affection
To the one I called my everything
What's the point of making someone your everything
When they later toss you to the side
Like you never crossed their mind
Or gave you the time
Of day
What day is it
I never really get why I cannot fit
In this time of day
I really just wish I could get away
Or fade into the blackness
Of this last hit
I don't even know where I'm going with this

I've gotten to a point where even my heart wants to give up
My heart has kept me here
Kept me aware
Kept me in tune with the people around me
It's kept me selfless
Now I want to be selfish
I can't seem to shake this one
I haven't been this alone since 2am in Colorado
Wine can be dangerous
My mind can leave people devastated
I've been feeling empty
And I think it's because I give a little bit of me to everyone
Especially the ones who don't deserve any
If only she could see me now
I'm starting to think I won't get very far
And that's okay
I don't know who will read this
I don't know if you can tell that I don't know what to say
My mind isn't what it used to be
I won't apologize because I don't belive in saying I'm sorry
I just want to stop feeling like this
I don't have any metaphors or poetic phrases that will make people comment about how beautiful this is
I don't have the energy to write something that will leave people wanting more
I just have what I feel
I just have a bunch of normal words laid out in a normal setting because my feelings can't be expressed properly
If you saw me now you wouldn't recognize me
I've lost my meaning and everything I believe in
I wish I had more to say
I just want to be happy
And that sounds so cliché

If I could paint the world with one stroke
I would take inspiration from poets
Different words
Different emotions
Different culture

If I could change the way people look at the world
I would start with
Life
Liberty
And the pursuit of happiness

Experiences make us
Judgement breaks us
And you can never look at someone and know their full story
Explore the possibility
That you may not have it all figured out
Start from the ground
Let go of doubt

If I could change hate
I would start with myself
Its never to late
To change your fate

I'm gay
But I never wanted to be
I never wanted this permanent thing
That defines me
I was ashamed of myself
I hated myself
I thought the church would turn their backs on me
I thought God didn't want me
Who would want a gay daughter
Nobody
I would pray that I was straight
Yell at the top of my lungs
"Lord take this gayness away!"
I got no reply
That day I almost took my life
Stop the noise
Stop the looks
Stop the hatred
Just make it stop
All that time I couldn't see
That God truly loved me
I missed all the signs
To worried about the pain inside
He wasn't ashamed
He loves me
He loves everybody
God made me this way
Not to suffer
But to inspire
That's what I'm going to do
Express my point of view
God didn't make me this way
Because He hates me
He did it because He loves me

I hope you know
That the sun might set
And darkness may fall
But your smile shines brighter then anything I have ever seen
I hope you know
That when I see you in the halls
I don't just smile
I glow
Because I know
My life just became much more beautiful
I hope you know
That when you are sad
I physically hurt along side of you
I would take all of that pain right off of you
I hope you know
That being your friend
Is all I need
I couldn't ask for anything better
I hope you know
That I will always accept you
Your past does not scare me
It will never define you
I hope you know
That when dudes mistreat you
I want to kick their ***
They don't know your past
They will never understand
I hope you know
That when you can't fall asleep
I'll stay up with you
Even if that means falling asleep in class
Its worth it
I hope you know
That I would make a fool out of myself
If it meant you would laugh
I might look like an idiot
But I got to hear your laugh
I hope you know
That when you feel like giving up
I will be there to hold your hand
I will take your struggle and make it mine
You are one of a kind

So you say that your hearts not ready
Do you believe that mine was steady
And now I hope you figure out
That I'm not coming back
You've missed what we could of had

I'm a fool
For falling for you
Spending all this time
Trying to make you mine
So I set you free
And I'll miss your company
But I'm not waiting anymore
Its time for me to take off and explore

I tried to give you time
But you were practically blind
And I hope you realize
That I'm not waiting around
You can stay lost but I'm waiting to be found

You and I aren't meant to be
So I'll gladly set you free
To be left alone in your company
I can't push till you can't breathe
So its the end to what we could be
I hope you miss my company

I've been thinking about you a lot
I wonder if we would be together if you were here
Life is taking unexpected turns and I wish you were here to direct me
I'm so ******* sorry
Kai I hope you didn't leave hating me
What I did to you just happened to me
I can finally understand why you left
Karma really is a *****
I know I deserved it because I wasn't really worth it
I should have stuck by you
Instead I denied you and ran away
To this day I still think about you
I can't seem to let go
I can't forgive myself
I still wait for you to return
I pray that God gives me a second chance
Kai you were my first love
The only one who was true to me
Why couldn't I save you
Maybe I'll come to you
Wait there
Please
I will be there soon

Sometimes I do too much
Say too much
Feel too much
And when I don't do enough
I feel lost
I saw how my habits effected me
Now I see how they effect others
My negativity being the leading cause of my world crashing in
But I won't let that win
I just can't
I'm rebuilding the demolished wreck that was my life
And the next time someone tries to knock it down
I will put up a fight
I can't keep living like this
I just cant
Thinking that this dude was the cause
When honestly I just gave up
Relied on others to get me through
When all I did was try and bring them down with me too
I'm sorry
I made my best friend question our friendship
Making her think it was a suicide hotline
1-800-SAVE-ME
I'm sorry
That I let my demons come between us
And thankfully you are the realest person in my life
Who took me
And shook me
Telling me to change or she would back away
I understand space
Just know that I love you
And I'm going to improve
After the musical you won't even recognize me
I'll still be as white as can be
With the same personality
But I will be there for you
Just like you've been there for me
I can't even remember what my smile looks like
But it will be returning tonight

Whether I'm black or blue
Whether I'm true to me
Or true to you
I can't help but feel like I'm being used by you
You take and take and give a little but I'm satisfied
Everybody around me not knowing why
Why do my insecurities run my life
And you could give me no attention but I'd still be walking 2 feet behind
You act like you're not good enough
****
I'm a ******* mess with a big heart
That's not enough
If you told me to come over and smoke you up
I'd be there
You don't realize that I'm ******* scared
My demons are just waiting to reappear
And how the **** am I supposed to control myself
Alone by myself
Trying to find pills to **** myself
How come when I need somebody they're all gone
If you called me right now I'd walk through the storm in my brain just to be next to you
If you're not giving me the best of you
Why do I stick around so long
I always find myself giving too much
And then I **** myself up
You're going on a date
So I pour another drink
That makes sense
Why can't I just tell you that it bugs me when you talk about all the guys who don't really see you
I could write a list of all the things I like about you
And if you died right now I'd probably die too
You just want a guy who won't really love you
But I love you
I stand on my own but still want to be next to you
You ignore me when we're apart but smile when I see you
Don't stand too close to me I'll want to be close to you
******* I want to be close to you
Sometimes I feel so connected then I feel unattached from you

I'm drunk and you're sleeping
You're stressed and I'm reaching

If you would open up I could stop the flood
But I'm gone

You always play this game
But I'm not equipped for it
These guys don't even know
When I open up just know I'm real
Sometimes I know how you feel
Other times I'm not sure if it's real
Or you just need to feel something

If I'm fading don't make me wait for you
Stay with me or let me leave
I'm dying quickly

Please recuse me

Why did I want to die?
Why did I want to end my life?
You're taught to be grateful
Every time the sun sets but returns every morning
How the flowers grow then die then grow again
And you understand the circle of life
But want to take matters into your own hands
My hands
Were tools to hurt and bring me down
Closer to the ground
And as I was falling
The sky seemed to become out of my reach
And they don't teach these things
While I was sitting in math
I pondered my own path
In English
I wanted to be finished
And if it was committed
Would I win or would I lose
Could I even choose
Death seemed better then going home
That's when I was alone
And I could scream
As loud as I wanted
Without anyone hearing a peep
I could smile
I could laugh
But that never replaced how I felt at the end of day
Make myself bleed to ignore my other pain
To this day
I'm not the same
Death seemed so easy
Believe me
I wanted to die
So I didn't have to feel
Or know that my life was real
I didn't want to deal
But I'm still here

I love her in a way that stops my whole body
In a way that captures every ounce of the air I breathe in
I love her in a way that makes me head ache
And my joints tense up
She is everything that could make me happy for the rest of my life
And that scares the hell out of me
Love like that can **** you
But I love her in a way that people remember forever
I love her in a way that overpowers all matter and cosmic power
And I would die for that

I need help
There I said it
My first step has been taken
My friends tell me the same thing over and over again
So I guess this time I decided to listen
Cutting can't be my solution
It can't be my antidote
But how can I give up the one thing that coats this pain
I have all my struggles engraved
Every weak moment shown on a canvas that was once flawless
I ran from the word depression only to land in the arms of something I could have prevented
I feed off of stubbornness and pride
"I'm fine"
"You don't have to worry"
When in reality my blood is running down my sleeve
I didn't think it would get this far
A few here a few there
Until my sophomore year
When sleep was not reachable unless pain appeared
1 year without it and it's still my biggest fear
I don't want to
I come to you because you listen
And when I hand you that knife you don't question
You said I need help and I know that
The new scars on my body show that

Time is irrelevant
You've been gone for one year now and that seems almost impossible
How can one year be out of the way when our love is still in my brain
It's almost insane
I thought love lived forever
But forever seems to be nonexistent
How could I let you die when you wouldn't let me die
You jump I jump remember?
You said love could overcome anything
I guess that didn't include demons
My feelings are overwhelming
Come back to me
Since you've left I've only had half of me
I feel my heart slowly being ripped away from my chest
I did my best
But my best wasn't good enough
You deserved better
They always deserve better
I wonder if your parents have come to terms
I bet it still burns
Knowing they turned away when they found out you were gay
You turned to me and I ran away
Dark thoughts can be scary
Especially when the one you love has darker ones
I could have been your light
But I chose to fade away
All you needed was a single glimpse of hope
But it became depleted
You probably felt defeated
And I just left you bleeding
I hate myself
This was not supposed to happen
We should have gotten better together
Kai I love you more than anything
This is my tribute to you
To the girl with long brown hair and green eyes
Tan skin and small thighs
The girl who wanted to grow into a woman
The one who played soccer and the violin
The one who liked pizza more than me and the WWE
The girl with a big smile and bigger heart
The one who loved me from the start
Who craved acceptance
Who got crushed by people's hatred
If only they knew like I did
They would have seen how special you were
They wouldn't have treated you like that
This is for the girl who loved me when I couldn't love myself
This isn't how it's supposed to be
In loving memory