that feeling you get when you can't stand something
where you resent every moment of your existence
living misunderstood throughout life
that feeling of resentment towards one whose hurt you deeply
where it feels like your heart has been ripped out
replaced by a knife ever so slowly growing larger as time goes by
like a hand around my heart squeezing until every drop drains away
that feeling of looking in the mirror and hating what you see
the being stuck in your mind with no clear path out
the point where you punch holes in the wall
trying to mimic what its like inside your head
to the point of a pen on paper and text on this screen

This isn't what you wished
Upon that small baby
This isn't what you wished

This isn't the head you kissed
The head of that baby
This isn't what you kissed

This isn't what you held
The weight of that baby
This isn't what you held

This isn't what you smelled
The scent of that baby
This isn't what you smelled

This isn't what you felt
Felt for that baby
This isn't what you felt.

This isn't how it was supposed to be
This isn't what you imagined
This isn't what you meant me to see
The isn't what you'd bargained

This isn't the life you choose to live
This isn't the trust you chose to give
This isn't the love you once entrusted
This isn't the marriage to which you'd come in

This isn't the daughter you once knew
This isn't the love you walked into
This isn't the hope you'd had before
This isn't the love in fairytale's lore

This isn't at all what you expected
This isn't at all what you should have collected
This isn't the right end for an angel
This isn't, as it seems, quite so fatal

But this is me
Imperfect glory
Oh, this is me
With a sad, sad story

This is me
Timeless and dying
This is me
The blood I'm crying

This is me
The failure's jive
This is me
The end of a life

This is me
On sanity's cliff
This is me
Ready to drift

This is me
Desperate and wanting
This is me
Pretending and flaunting

Yes, this is me
Your youngest daughter
And it's not at all what you wanted
My dearest mother

This is me
The smoke, the pain
This is me
For loss, for gain

This is me
This is that baby
This is me
Now a young lady

This is me
Looking for love
This is me
Small and starstruck

This is me
On the wrong path
This is me
Treading on broken glass

This is me
Begging for help
This is me
****** to hell

This is me
Waiting to be saved
This is me
Turning away

This is me
Nearing Death's door
This is me
Saying I can take no more

This is me
With smoke in my lungs
This is me
Absorbing the sun

This is me
With knife in hand
This is me
Enjoying the land

This is me
Pleasing those men
This is me
Washing my hands

And this isn't what you wanted
And this is why you cry
And this isn't what I expected
And this is why I wish to die

Oh, this is why my mind is unclean
This is why you weep
This is why we couldn't foresee
And this is why I can't sleep

This is why the night is frightening
This is the absence of hope
Yet this is why we live
And this is why we cope

And this isn't life
This is unidentified
And this isn't strife
This is why we live and die

Maybe this is a maybe
Maybe this is uncertainty
Maybe this is a per say
Maybe this is you, is me

Yes, maybe this is human
Though this is inhumane
Maybe this is *******
And cannot be contained

Maybe maybe is uncertainty
Maybe maybe is insanity
Maybe maybe is a waste of hope
Maybe maybe is the knife at our throats

This is me
With a ring on my finger
This is me
With a kiss on my lips

This is me
With a love that lingers
This is me
With a sway to my hips

This is my reflection
So pretty, so ugly
This is my reflection
So imperfect, so me

This is life
Tiring and refreshing
This is time
A burden unrelenting

These are my friends
My children, my life
These are my friends
So perfect, so right

And this is pain
And this is gain
And this is love
And this is hate
And this is trust
And this is my place

But first
Foremost

This is me.

Who am I?
Who stands in solitude waiting for the passing of sorrow in a vortex of chaos?
What are these feelings?
That drown out the echo of what once was love, and intensifies an obsession that is not healthy for the mind?
Is there hope?
That should bring forth the darkness within, purifying the heart that once beat your voice?
Why am I sad when I'm near you?

I open my arms to express words that pain my throat.
Swallow the smoke from a cigarette I promised I'd never smoke.
I sink deeper into the darkness;
My soul looks for ascension and purification,
I wonder why we can't become one?

In the morning my eyes open and tears rush out.
It felt like I'd realized the meaning.
Only to once again be surrounded by darkness and deceit.
Is suicide the proof of life?

I hold out my arms to pick up the fragile glass of a broken heart.
Please, give me something that causes pain; something sharp enough to stab a heart.
Your tears won't compensate.
How do we prove our living?

The values of morality begin to look cruel.
I'll sit and embrace the surrounding darkness.
This is a nightmare that won't pass.

I'll set the conditions of my life tomorrow,
I'll take it day by day to find the proof.
Erasing your memory won't change you.
Do you think it will make everything go away?
It's not avoidance, it's cowardice.

I'll tattoo the numbers in my face and seal my fate.
After all, it's everyone's best intention.
Still, there is darkness.

Who gave you the key to my heart?
I swear you've had it, from the start.

Three in the morning finally crawling into bed
Bits and pieces of our favorite love songs rolling through my head
Hummin' a tune cuz I know I'll see you soon
We've only been holding each other since sunset
You sang sweet lullabies with your eyes while I listened intently

Cuz when I see your face, I smile
When I look at you, I smile more
When we talk, my voice is beaming
When I hear you sing, my heart is soaring
And when I get a glimpse of your soul tucked behind your sparkling blue eyes I hold that stare so calmly but inside I'm jumping for joy!
And even when I can't see you
When all I have is the thought of you
Well I'll be ****** if all I let out is a grin

You go beyond butterflies and above pretty blue skies
But you don't even leave the ground cuz we're aimin' for a love so deep that even we can't find the bottom

and I wanna write you a love poem
But I can't find the words
I wanna sing you a love song
But I can't find my voice
I wanna give you a flower
But we trampled them all while we were dancin' in the moonlight

And baby, when all these feelings
All these butterflies, lullabies and gazing deep-ly into your eyes
All this happiness, all this ectasy
All this emotional high that makes me feel so free!

When all this is gone, I will love you still
Because love is a choice fueled by power of will
And we will not be condemned by chasing a thrill
So when the highs become lows and the lows become throes
Of tossing and turning
Of hearts burning from confusion, confliction, and diffusion
Of a feeling we thought to be eternal
I will be reminded that feelings are fickle, let the teardrops trickle
Keep walking forward until my heart decides to catch up
Place one hand in yours and one in God's and sing that same old song

Who gave you the key to my heart?
I swear you've had it, from the start.

Let's write a love poem built out of plaster and garden gnomes
We'll staple it together with our memories of bad weather
And we'll fill it with our hopes and dreams
Between the two of us I think we've got enough so it'll be bursting at the seams
Cuz I've never met someone who's got such a sparkle of life in their eyes
And that's all it's gonna take to put the twinkle in mine
You shine like roses and smell like the stars
I mean whoops!  You've got me stumblin' over my own heart
What I meant to say is you're looking exceptionally pretty today
Not that you weren't pretty yesterday or the day before or that tomorrow you won't blow my mind...even more
You've got a wonderful smile and a fantastic laugh
But even better than that your mind shines like a thousand stars
And your soul beams like a billion rays of sunlight
It spills out so radiant from your eyes
And see that's where I get lost
That's when I get those moments of soaring through the skies
It's not when we lock lips it's when we lock looks and start to read each other like books
Our souls intertwining into a three strand rope
And that rope's been binding up my heart gettin' tighter since the start
Cuz see I've never believed in soul mates but you've got me second guessin'

Let's write a love story stitched out of pain and sorrows
Made of hardships and forgotten souls we borrowed
Let's fill it with joy and glue it together with God
Cuz if it's God's wind in these frail sails then this tiny ship will never fail
And when we reach land He'll help us blaze a trail
Take the long way round so we can bask in the sound
Of our harmonic voices remembering that love is all about the choices
But if we forget that we'll end up voiceless
Drifting further apart as we follow the other noises
And I don't want that I wanna keep makin' choices
Choices to pursue no other woman than you
Through and through that's all I wanna do
Cuz I've never believed in soul mates but you've got me second guessin'

Let's paint a picture of a beautiful rose
One that sits amidst the thorns and thistles
Yet despite all that it flowered and flourished to its fullest potential
Slowly but surely unfolding each and every petal
Exposing all our darkest secrets as we hammer out these hearts of metal
And let these roots grow deeper and thicker in the soil
Remembering that love is all about the choices
And even if we lose our voices we've got our gazes
And when the haze is strong we'll listen to our favorite love song
And if we lose our hearing we'll just hold each other tight
Breathe each others breath all through the night
The rose'll get redder and the stalk'll get thicker as our hearts flicker into one, unified thrum like the beat of a drum and, 'you can wrap your fingers 'round my thumb'

Cuz I've never believed in soul mates but you've got me second guessin'

I feel unhappy I feel so sad
I lost the best friend I ever had
He was my man I loved him so
But it's to late I have let him go
We shared each moment, we shared each day
In love together we thought we'd stay
But soon the world had its evil way
My heart was blinded, my love went astray
It took to long to realize
Still I can hear his last goodbyes
Now all my days are filled with tears
Wish I could go back and change those years

A homeless man asked me if I believed in god
I told him I was agnostic

Looking back, I realize that he was God
because everything turned to **** from there.