Likened to abandoned theme park
Once fond memories cracked like abused porcelain
Affections taken over by invasive species
The fragrance and flavors once beloved, now poisoned and tasteless
My only want was to finally build a real home with you
A sanctuary
To capture a sense of pride and ease within the walls of our first attempt at creating this space together
To build something meaningful
To have a combined sense of accomplishment
What we are going through makes me think we do not bring out the best in one another
That we don't even like each other
That we are starting to become some angry sense of entitlement to our feelings instead of acknowledging the experience and skills we each possess and allowing them to be demonstrated
That incessant reference to one's opinion
Shouting from the rooftops just to be heard, right or wrong
The begging to just be
Respected
Cared for
Supported
Fought for instead of against
Overwhelmed by the demand for control
The chaotic pattern of pain
The bickering
The embittered, defensive replies to the simplest inquiry
The pushback against a simple difference of view
The lack of compromise because the war to be right appears to be more important than being happy
Sick to death of the exhaustion and sleeplessness and isolation
Happiness ruined by blame and selfishness
A creeping death, like a filthy air filter, will eventually have its way
So sick of contemplating a life beyond depression instead of living it
A life without a broken back
Without a broken voice
Without a broken heart
Starting to forget what it used to feel like to walk without the sting of these burdens around my ankles
Pulled into a stairwell of despair and breaking every bone on the way down
The constant ache
The stress from tiptoes on thin ice
The cuts from the shattered glass of the window pane
The threat of never recovering
Imminent with each misstep
Building upon an already cracked foundation
A landscape of burned out Earth, choking on the drought
Homeless dreams in littered streets
Dreams of you
A starving canine with your ribs showing, escaping reality by wandering the street for scraps
as I lie in wait, "slowly killing myself" as you look on
Past me
Through me
Those framed glass shards and their tattered curtains
Might as well be my body, my heart, and my soul
All in a seemingly endless, untenable state of disrepair
Scrubbing at the flaws until my hands bleed with no way to get the stains out
Gasping for breath with the hope of a new day
Stifled by the devastating collapse beneath the mountain of rubble

In the dream, there was a pit in the middle of  the floor of a pitch black, empty room with peeling wallpaper of an indistinguishable color or pattern; charred fragments of paper floated on the hot air.

The pit was a giant, jagged hole in the weathered and blackened floorboards surrounded by smoldering embers. If you dared to look down, you could see traces of a winding staircase seemingly made of ancient, crumbling stone and black ash. The glow from the lava below was very nearly choked out by the ever-present black smoke that covered the walls and the floor...it filled the air in forked black ribbons.

I stared, terrified as my body hovered over the hole as if by some demonic, magical force that kept me suspended in the air about a foot above the floor. I wore nothing but a *****, tattered white gown, turned grey from the soot.

Barefoot and scarred, sunken eyes and a tangled, black mess of hair that met my ****** fingertips. I could literally feel my broken soul and my broken heart. They felt like brittle bones.

I was hovering over a pit of lost reason and lost purpose. I was ready to dive right in.

everything is so great and so perfect, until it isn't.

"Drained by the anger and grief
Fazed by the envy and greed
The secret cries for a release
The lucidity hidden deep in sweet pandemonium..."
- Ville Hermanni Valo, H.I.M.

strings of stars
delicate bones
the length of her locks
kept her chained and at home
trapped in a tower
of silence and stone

tendrils of fantasy
once drew him to her
now cut short with defiance
and wicked laughter
here now is the truth
not the vision you held tight
cruel thorns pierced my heart
and blinded your sight

the innocence of fantasy
long lost in the dark
blonde locks stained black
and scars where there were sparks
think twice the next time
you wish a savior would come
a better way to save yourself
would be to use your legs
and run

"I taste death in every kiss we share
Every sundown seems to be the last we have
Your breath on my skin has the scent of our end
I'm drunk on your tears baby can't you see it's hurting

Every time we touch we get closer to heaven
And at every sunrise our sins are forgiven
You on my skin this must be the end
The only way you can love me is to hurt me again
And again
And again
And again..."
- Ville Hermanni Valo, H.I.M.

I've loved you for 22 years.
You're tattooed into my skin.
You put a black diamond on my ring finger.
And last night,
although you're still alive and breathing,
although I love you more than life,
I became a widow.

I'll never remove this ring.
I'll never remove my R tattoo.
And I'll never be the same.

Love lied to me
About the beauty and the ecstasy
Looked me straight in the eyes and lied,
Now I sit vacant and red-eyed as I watch my heart die inside
Wondering where it all went awry
Love lied straight to my face
Stole away in the night without a trace
Abducted
Left me with nothing but nothingness in its place

In between the raindrops
In the cracks where the ceiling stops
The lost hours that connected the night to the day
Dragged kicking and screaming back to the start
So many unfamiliar faces
Unwelcoming, unyielding traces
All of the off-limits places
I will never, ever let go of
the empty spaces you fill in my heart

Visions of a better life
A better day
A better love without decay
Room to breathe
Soothing relief
Renewed belief
Something to cure this pain
A magic pill or a drink
Time to think
To see clearly what's beyond
The dreary walls
The haunted halls
Cleanse my mind
of the memories
Something to help me, please

Aren't you tired of "getting through it" again and again?

I guess it slipped through my fingers,
Watched it sink into the water and drown
I've got no more fight left in me
Heartbroken, disenchanted, beaten into the ground
Oh, it's such inspiration
This feeling of desperation
Grasping at something I'll never have again
Filled with loss and mourning at the thought of the end
Trapped inside the shell of a broken spirit
Isolated in this silence, and feeling safe within it
"It's You, It's You, It's all for you"... and nothing else
Condemned dreams and broken promises to myself
Eyes wide open in the dark
Wishing there was a way to get back to that spark
I'm just a broken horse, no trace left of that willful girl
My soul is at half-mast
A life lived trying to live up to the past
Dead behind the eyes, reality finally realized
It's gone so far, it feels like there's no way back
Drowning would be such sweet relief,
just want to let it all go black

He pressed forward
beyond the worry
beyond the wonder
endured the pain

He pushed further
past the horror
past the heartache
into the vein

He left his ashes
on the altar
in the alley
near the stone

He cut her name
into the flesh
into the future
into the bone

"Lay in my grave with me my love.
We'll die side by side,
hand in hand.
And our ghosts follow us in the winter,
And the winter is taking us down."

- Chelsea Wolfe

do you ever wonder
what waits around the corner?
that dark smile that bleeds right after
your muse believes in you,
then leaves you while you have laughter
and laughs at you that much harder?
this blessed curse of happiness
the feeling of that shoe about to drop
the one where you can't quite rest easy
the car without brakes to make you stop
and the muse, she keeps on laughing
while you think you're really happy
in those moments when you think your dreams might come true
silly you
do you lose your muse when you're happy?
because i do.

We should be meeting in the middle
It should be like that all the time
But sometimes it hurts more than a little
When the darkness obscures the line
It's a sinking feeling
When all we're doing is clinging to the floor
Lowest of the low
Like there's no fight in me left to fight for
You can only go down so deep
Before you have to come up for air
Now I lay me down to sleep
Whenever I wake I hope you'll be there

True love breaks your heart into pieces like nothing else.

Where are you
I keep looking for you
Even as you tell me "we'll make it through"
I want to believe you like I always do
In this bed as I lie
Strangled by the sheets and the darkness in my eyes
Feeling like I could die
(Sweet relief, such sweet release)
Waiting for you
Watching for you
Wishing I would find you if I looked behind me
But I'm still waiting
"In this bed of spider webs
I think of ways to change myself"
Through these long, dark nights
Alone despite living together
Walking with the same painful limp
Parched lips
All skin and bone
Starving for a little glimpse
of the day you'll finally find your way home

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."

- anais nin.

She said, "You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge."
Sounds so easy to "just do YOU" to someone on the outside.
She told me to be careful, but not fearful.
She told me to be mindful, but not thoughtless.
She thinks I really know how to live, even when I feel like dying.
And now I feel forced into change, because if I don't, it means I'm not trying.

I loathe Tuesdays.

How can this last forever when forever hurts so much?

3:33am
again
screaming nightmares and terrors
telling false tales of the heart and grave errors
wide awake while the world sleeps
my heart pounds and my weary eyes weep
wide-eyed and staring at the white glow of the screen
wondering why and what it all means

When I'm feeling low, I just want to get high.

Dread.
It's usually the same.
Panic and anxious breath and
dread.
     dread.
          dread.
One day, I always say, we will want something better
Something healthier
Absent of accusation and blame and misperception
Something that lifts us up beyond this hurt
Allowing us to remember why I risked everything
Why we thought it was worth what it's worth
And why we hurt people - for years
Just to be together
Fate decided to twist our guts into knots instead of granting us peace and togetherness at last
Replaced by isolation and burning tears
And now Tuesdays are those confrontations with fate
Do we spend the rest of the time we have building walls, favoring hope, or taunting hate?

It was love that you tasted
On the tip of your tongue
Your desire is not wasted
Our oldest bonds are still young
My belonging to you
Is so much more than words
Nothing has ever felt so true
Yours may as well be
The only voice
My heart has ever heard...

The night ahead lays open like a rose
I can already feel the absence of my ecstatic throes
Crushed and forgotten like discarded clothes
Without you, my heart waits in restless repose
My far away eyes trained on distant shadows
Anticipating the warmth of our many tomorrows
How effortless the effort is to be so close
To know you in a way that no one else knows

Church bells on the evening breeze
Heavy hearted, ill at ease
All I want is your precious kiss
Save me, my Love
It's your touch that I miss
Bring the smile back to my face
Escape with me from this tearful place
My emotions are tattered
Mind filled with confusion and scattered
Take away what I need to erase
Give me hope and infinite trust
Tie my wrists with blood and lust
Tell me that you'll never run
Light my way despite the dying sun

I.
Parting is such sweet sorrow
Seems an eternity until tomorrow
Just once I would wish to wake
With total absence of this ache
Time feels like a cruel master
More of it with you is what I am after
My heartbeat slows and is ill at ease
Without love's protection from disease

II.
Give me your last breath
So that nothing goes to waste
Give me your entire self
So that I may know no one else
Give me your last kiss
So that I may know its taste
Give me your soul
So that mine can become whole

Heaven called
Said they were missing you
Said they needed their angel back
Even if he's been dressed in black
But what if I couldn't let go?
What if your love was what made me glow?
How could I resist
The sweetness of your kiss
Knowing now what I've come to know
I could never give that up
Heaven said
They needed more of you than you were willing to give
Said you told them I was your reason to live
Now it's gone
Too late to turn back
Heaven's angel fell into
The arms of a woman he calls "goddess"
A woman who dressed him in black

If ever there were hands
to steal the stars from the sky
Let them be mine
For you, I would try
I would give you the moon
And the trees and the sun
I would black out the night
And hide away with you
From everyone
If the rain fell too hard
or the cold chilled your warm heart
I would be shelter for you, always
And we would never be apart
I have grown in your garden
With our love as my seed
You are my greatest treasure
You are all I need

"Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me
Every day every hour
I wish that I was bulletproof

Wax me
Mould me
Heat the pins and stab them in
You have turned me into this
Just wish that I was bulletproof..."

this house is making me sicker than any virus could.

Just as soon as this blows over
Just as soon as we get back under the covers
Just as soon as we get high
Just as soon as we learn to fly
Just as soon as we take a breath
Just as soon as we learn to accept
Just as soon as we have space
Just as soon as we have our own place
Just as soon as we slow it down
Just as soon as we come around
Just as soon as we allow each other to "be"
Just as soon as we can clear out the clutter and see
Just as soon as I stop burning and worrying
Just as soon as he stops controlling and hurrying
Just as soon as we put it into practice
Just as soon as we get active
Just as soon as our hearts speak louder than our voices
Just as soon as we make better choices


What about now?

It appears that I've gone dark again
Same familiar cage, same old cell
Lost inside my personal hell
Light a candle to show me the holes
This is how to deal with it
This is the only way I know
And it's just as well
Running into walls
Putting out fires
The edges of my heart are scorched
Torches lit and flickering at the pyre
Everywhere I turn
It's like a maze and I'm amazed
Should just give in to the burn
Torch it all
Let it all go
Instead of feeling frozen, fan the final flame
A cauterized and sterilized shell of my past
Nothing but embers, ash and shadow
This is the only way I know

I know the world has been cruel to you
I know your heart gets heavy at night
But there is a way to make it through
There is a way to make it all right
Just let your dreams become your hopes
And let your hopes become your reality
Take my heart into those precious hands
And walk with me
Just walk with me

Keep painting my roses with your passionate red
Promise me you'll keep me safe and secure
Even when I'm tied down to your bed
Keep loving me through the darkness
Give me your ugliness and your beauty
And I'll keep your secrets
I'll give you a place to rest your head

I know it all gets crazy
And it doesn't look like it will end
But when you let yourself believe
Your enemy becomes your friend
Just take it as a challenge
Be strong - you know you are
When it all comes crashing
We'll stand there laughing
And counting shooting stars

I know it all seems upside down
And I know there doesn't seem to be a way home
But there is a way to turn it around
You just need a place to rest those weary bones
Just let your reality find a place in me
Let me be whatever you need me to be
Take my heart into those precious hands
And walk with me
Just walk with me

Tell your heart to hold on tight
There's going to be a storm tonight
Nothing can save you
Though you've done no wrong
But you'll drown in the flood
Before too long
Your knees will buckle
And your hands will shake
You'll lose your breath
And your voice will break
Do what you can
Save what you hold dear
But don't fool yourself
You won't be coming back here
It's hurling toward you
Like a bat out of Hell
The feeling inside you
You know all too well
It begins to get dark
As you cling to the last bit of light
It's hope against hope
No one to make it all right
Just go to the window
And look up at the stars
You'll find me there
If you try really hard
It may seem like a dream
But it's all too real
You've laid yourself out
For the vultures to steal
Promises made
Soft words were spoken
What is it they say...?
"Promises were made to be broken"
Disenchanted and frail
Distant gaze and skin so pale
It's almost over now
Just take your last breath
It feels sort of like sleep
But it's actually Death

I want to stop ____, but life has other plans.

(What do you wish you could stop doing, but you can't?)

Disappointment in your eyes
Because my delivery cuts you to the bone
Retreating from the war
In hiding just to be calm
The only safe place is when I'm all alone
Tired of fighting and taking it back
Tired of the fear and wringing my hands
The sickening feelings I feel waiting for the next attack
Displaced and disenchanted
Homeless in my own home

You'll always have your say
You'll eventually have your peace
While I die inside in silence
And choke out my beliefs
Better that I drown
As long as you don't leave
Hanging by a thread
Easier to let it die until it's dead
Anger doesn't even begin
To describe the ****** up state I'm in
Haunted in an attic
Feeling like an addict
Desperate to connect
Even when it feels like there's nothing left
Paint peeling off the walls
Recurring dreams and the engine stalls
Crushed like crumbs beneath your feet of fury
Pushing past my need for time because you're in a hurry
Sick house filled with filthy corners and spiderwebs
Drowning out the voices in my head
All of it (like always)
Would have been better left unsaid
Wasting away like a corpse in this empty bed

It's too hard to rewrite history
And the future remains a mystery
The more we plan
The more we misunderstand
And the more important what we have is to me
Why not take a look through new eyes
Reveal what was once built on lies
Silence the hurt
For all that it's worth
And pay attention to how quickly time flies
There is meaning in all that we do
Even when it's too hard to look at you
So we can't waste this gift
Let the clouds start to lift
And let our reality be the fantasy come true

I know I'm not everything you expected
Maybe you lost hope long ago
I just hope you never regret it
And that you know I love you so
Can't take us back to the beginning
Can't rewind your mind
To those days when we couldn't stop grinning
All the time we lost, left behind
All we have is the now
And sometimes we forget how
To just be
To let it bleed the way we used to
I want to just try
Because for you, I'd bleed myself dry
I'm willing to keep up the struggle and the search
I don't care how much it hurts
If it will help you cut away the weight that drowns you
Instead of cutting the beautiful skin that surrounds you
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Because now that I know what I know
It's too close for comfort
Give it to me if you must
After all, I'm the one you trust
So let me take the pain that you've been buried under