I always want to run

Like a swan
floating so gently through the water
wading through the ripples
but at the first sign of trouble
it leaps from the cool iridescent pool
wings flapping heavily
flying away as fast as it can

I ran away from friendships
hardships
relationships
from my home
my family

I convinced myself
that I was brave
a lioness
ready to fight at the sight of any trouble

but I know myself
I run

Like a child
I leave a note
or say a short farewell
and I run
as fast as I can move
and as far as my legs can carry me

And with you
I wanted to run
Every pore in my body
on fire
wanting to run
anxiety coursing through my veins

I wanted to run

And yet I stayed
grounded
and after a moment passed
I just wanted to be closer

The song
playing in this cafe
is an indie movie cliche
and it makes nothing else matter
besides the empty seat in front of me
and how I wish
there a was a man in it
I could smile at
and maybe
play a little footsie

they crowd around

         "what does it mean?"

         "what does it mean?"

a man steps forward
  
phone from pocket

         "it means this insta pic of my shoes
           will be more than fresh and clean"

Elusive cat eye

in the corner

notebook out

voice absent from the chatter

"she must be an artist"

                   they say

"she must be an artist"

I am gonna smile like I never did,
Scream to the world that I am happy,
After so long and somehow
Love came to me
I am gonna live like I never did,
Love you like there is no tomorrow,
I will hold your hand and you smile with me,
Tonight, I will walk you home
We'll write a song together,
And sing it on the way,
And when you are not around,
I will sing it for my loneliness

There are no descriptions,
    no artist names,
         only pretty pictures
   to keep us entertained

There is little here
in this sun-scaped city
to press a frown onto my face.
I feel free
I've lost ten pounds
my skin is smooth
I bought new fashionable clothes
and I laugh more than ever before,
and that is what people see,
will amber annex buster dani skyla rashid duane kiki chase adrianna
all these new people
who laugh at my funny name
only see this happy smiling girl
who is kind and quick to help
and make jokes
and dance
and offer advice
and yet despite the freedom I feel
it comes with equal parts guilt.
have I ever smiled so much before?
The me people meet now is so new to me
it feels like a lie
it's nice of you to ask me on a date
but how could I tell you the horrors of my past?
with all this smiling
you'd never believe the years of frowns and tears
no one would think to look for the lines where you can see my burn scars
they wouldn't look at my differently
when I trace old bruises
they don't think
to be careful when touching me
they don't have a clue
and it's all I've ever wanted
to have people think nothing is wrong
for me to be like the other girls,
but now that that's what people see,
my smiles though real
make me feel like I'm lying to everyone around me.

Oh how I miss you.
Your sweet brown eyes
The smile you give me when I'm staring at you for to long.
The way you tell me about your day and how it all got better because you got to hear my voice.
I miss how you touch me and everything seems just fine.
Your dimple on the left side of your cheek when I tell you I love you.
The way you hold my hand and kiss me
Just the way I catch you looking at me from the corner of my eye.
God I miss you.

There's that boy
who you know your parents
would absolutely love
cute smile
great hair
athletic
tall
and treats you so sweetly

We could spend dinner
having polite conversation
telling cute stories
discussing global issues
and everything would be fine

but I'm not looking for fine